i wish it could have been any other way…

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*sigh* today was crap. turns out i wasn’t a 10pm start today, so i was an hour and a half late to work. they made me a 10 start so that i wouldn’t get any points, and still got out as 4 as always with the late starts. sucked but turned out ok. i am a 10 tomorrow however. fine. and i am a 10 NEXT friday. none of this makes me look good anymore. not sure i mentioned it, but u2 detroit is in jeopardy. we have mandatory customer service training at work, and of course my scheduled day is the 24th, the day of the show. i had requested the 23/24 off 2 months ago but they won’t give it to me because of this training. shift manager talked to me on tuesday about why i needed it off, which i lied of course, family reunion was my excuse and that my parents are making me go even though i don’t want to. he said he’d see what he could do, but i wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t switch my day. and i don’t know what that means for me. hopefully i find out if they can or cannot switch my day, and if i’ll get fired for not showing up so i can sell my ticket, or kate can take both and go with someone else, or something. i could use 300$ from selling the ticket but kate will be devastated.

and today was crap cuz i was just really depressed. i think the drugs have been working for the most part. none of the reasons behind my mood have gone away, they just aren’t bothering me anymore, and i’m not thinking about them constantly. which is part of my whole problem with the field of psychology and why i decided not to continue to phd level. i do have my first appt with the shrink on wednesday however. today was just…blah. another day wasted with me doing nothing, me getting upset and crying for the first time in a while. just thinking about things again and yuck.

and i’m completely freaking out with the probability of meeting trent reznor at one of the next 5 shows. because it is going to happen, and i will friggen make a total fool of myself and it’ll be awful. i’ll be able to die with my life complete, but i’ll still probably throw up.

i always wanted a craftmatic adjustable bed when i was a kid. i only just recently realized that it’s basically a hospital bed.

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i have just completed my first 40 hour week this summer, if not the entire year. i forced myself to do it. it was tough yesterday and today to not leave early, but i made it. we’ll see how my paycheck compares to my supervising pay checks. i really wanted to come home and keep going through my pictures today. i realize that i really need film. i’m going to have to try to make it out to color tech to buy some, as it’s the only place that sells my TMAX!!! film around here. the overpriced camera shop that was near me closed a few months ago.

i gotta dye the hair back to black tomorrow, so if/when i get the extensions tues they match. i haven’t seen the girl all weekend to get her address and stuff, so hopefully i see her at work tomorrow. or i’ll just have my short hair. blah. and laundry.

one thing that exploring today kept reminding me of was the book “atlas shrugged”. i finally finished it last week. i had only been reading it since march. overall i really liked it. there are times when it got way too repetitive, as did “fountainhead”, with ayn rand’s philosophy. i actually had to skip almost an entire chapter towards the end – john galt’s speech – because i just couldn’t take it anymore. it was a frightening book in many ways. but i don’t really buy into her philosophy. the book was very anti communist in a way. ANYWAY. exploring reminded me of it because one chapter sends dagny and hank to the 21st century motor car factory – which had been closed and abandoned. they go through the factory looking for records, and find “the motor”. that’s what i kept thinking about today, there were lots of motors and machines around.

i’m now reading “catcher in the rye”. a classic apparently. and although i honestly am enjoying it, i don’t quite see the point as there is no plot. i don’t get why it’s such a classic, when it’s just a teenage boy telling stories. it’s as if my stupid meaningless random posts from 5 years of having a blog were condensed into a book. i’m half through and yeah, no plot. not getting the “classic”ness. whatever. i do like it.

i found out about a bar that i’d probably like in buffalo. club diablo. focuses on punk, goth and industrial. i’m totally gonna check it out. man i need friends to go out with me haha. from the small picture in the magazine i saw it in, it was reminiscent of lux in rochester which i thought was the coolest bar i’d ever been to. looks way more swanky and trendy than the continental. the cont is such a dive haha. and apparently from their website, clubldiablo.com, ron jeremy hangs out there when he’s in town. lovely. i decided i MUST go there, because they have a specialty drink called jim jones kool-aid hahaha that thrills me. no cover on wednesdays, specializing in synthpop and ebm. adr2, you are SO going with me when we get back from vacation.

i feel like i have lot to do in the next 2 and a half days, but i’m sure i’ll sit here all day tomorrow and play snood.

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bearing all catastrophe, tonight was my last night flooring. i looked at my schedule for next week and i am back on the dealers schedule. i also apparently forgot to request off for oktoberfest…so i need to find someone to pick saturday up for me or i’ll be using my last sick day for it…and i like to have a buffer day. ah well. i was afraid that everyone in upper management was mad at me…no one said 2 words to me all day today. finally the shift manager, around 2, mentioned me having one day left til the switch, and he was fairly cheerful and didn’t seem mad. so that’s good, cuz i didn’t want to deal with immaturity.

ok and friday did it, i’m totally in love with bono again. the 3 shows this tour haven’t given me the feeling that hamilton did, i’m not sure anything can, but yeah. in love with bono again. but that mother fucker played discotheque at tonights show. I KNEW THAT WOULD HAPPEN. and apparently eddie vedder dropped by.

the boot of wednesday night sounds great. real good quality. friday hasn’t appeared yet, hope it does.

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i am still right here

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i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and i don’t even know if the shift manager is going to accept my resignation. i gave it to the assistant shift today, started to cry immediately upon entering the office. he said he didn’t understand, asked if there was a problem with someone there, i said no, and he asked if i needed help from HR or the employee assistance program. i said no that i’d be ok. the shift manager will be in tomorrow afternoon so he’ll find out at that time, and the decision has to be made by him. if they don’t let me i don’t know what to do. cuz i can’t go on like this. dealing today alone made things so much better already. i have a feeling they’ll ask me to stay on through october because of the things going on all month, and i will as long as i get in writing that november 1st i return to dealing full time.

how did it get to be 4:50am?

i got a flyer in my door today for an open house at the quarry on the 17th. i am SO going, since i’ve wanted to go illegally since i moved here. it says “bring your family and learn about your neighborhood quarry” as if every neighborhood has a quarry. ha it just amused me.

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i am trying to resign my position at work and return to full time dealing. planning on doing it tomorrow when our shift manager returns from his days off. i’ve just had enough. i know it’s not something i can speak about without getting very upset, so i wrote it all down in a formal letter to give to management.

mike is resigning from the ctrc, and i am not far behind. i had actually been planning on doing so this week, without any knowledge of mike’s decision. i am going to try to hold off, but we’ll see how things go. i can’t handle the way things have been there this year.

i go to the doctor tomorrow for my depression. hopefully that, plus these other steps, will begin to make things better for me.

u2 in toronto this week. board meeting thursday *dreading*. everything is falling apart.

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when i go to the casino, if i win 20 bucks i’m more than happy. if i double my money i’m thrilled. someone at work tonight bought in on a craps game. they didn’t double their money, they didn’t even triple it. they made 1,000 times what they bought in for. no lie. and they gave it all back IDIOT! experienced casino-ites were discussing it, and they said it’s the biggest percentage win they’d ever seen. AND THE PERSON GAVE IT ALL BACK!

tunick art installation tomorrow. should be interesting.

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holy bowie….

tonight was my first night on baccarat since new years eve when i got promoted. i didn’t think i’d remember what to do. it was a normal night…spent the first 4 hours sitting there talking with the other 2 dealers. geneseo housemate bill, who now lives in tonawanda, stopped in and talked to me for a while. it was nice to see him again. blahblahblah. midnight we get a game going. normal game…until the last hour. it was the most amazing hour i’ve ever dealt. i don’t even know what to say (plus i can’t really say why). but WOW….yeah. friggen great night…

remember how i said i haven’t been involved in drama in a real long time. well that streak ended…it’s not a big deal, but i’m gonna get told off on tuesday, and i really can’t wait. i can’t wait for her to yell at me and call me names and whatever else she decides to spit at me, so i can go “are you done? k, bye” and walk away. it’ll be fantastic. it’s all to do with tom, and how me and him are friends, and a text message that went to her instead of me. whatever. it’s gonna be good for tom in the long run, since this is really ending whatever they had that wasn’t quite ended. it’ll be interesting.

and the sabres beat toronto’s ass!

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brian and james came over to hang for a few hours. played nintendo, talked about blow jobs, you know – the usual. good times.

work again 9-5 tonight, hopefully i’ll get to leave at 4 like last night. floored roulette for the first time. it was crazy busy until midnight, then it sorta died, so it was all good. and i was on break during the roll. tony and i had a funny moment putting our coats away, but i’m not sure if i’m allowed to talk about it. that whole casino confidentiality thing. whatever.

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floored tonight. started off with intentions to open and supervise 2 carribean stud tables. nixed that, and they put me in the 3card poker section for about 20 minutes while they waited for the person to show up. 3card is considered the 2nd hardest section to floor in the casino, so i was relieved when they sent me to roulette , but that got changed. had to find shawn who said i was going to mini bacc.

my favourite phrase of late is “holy crap”. shawn said i was going to mini bacc, i said “holy crap”. i asked if he was serious. the mini bacc section is regarded as the hardest section to supervise in the whole casino. i seriously was like, stunned, that they were sending me there.  got there, and i kept saying i couldn’t believe they put me there, on my 3rd night of flooring. robert said it was his idea, that he had faith in me.

turned out to be not so bad. i tried to keep up with things as much as possible, so that it would be easy for me to roll at 2. shawn came back to help me during the roll, and everything went pretty good. i had to “scold” players and they actually listened to me. so things were cool.

brendan gave me a break one of the times, and my one dealer danielle came up on break when i was on break too. she was like, you need to get down there right now, i’m going to rip brendan’s eyes out. i was like ?!?!? she said brendan chastised her for dealing too slow. she was really pissed, because she was doing 1 hour shoes, and that’s a really decent pace for mini bacc. she was livid. i was like, tell him to fuck off, he’s just being an ass cuz your a lesbian and won’t sleep with him. hahah it was funny.

massive headache now tho. hah. oh well.

i’m kinda freaked out, because i came home and both door locks were locked. i never lock my 2nd lock. i thought maybe my parents had come in, but nothing is different in my apt…they didnt bring anything, no notes. maybe the landlord, but i’d expect him to leave a note too. so i’m sorta freaked. gah.

hanging out with bri sometime tomorrow. so tired now, need sleep.

 

it’s the end of the world. it has to be. there’s just no other explanation.

our denny’s closed!!!!!!!!!!!

me and brian just drove by and it’s dark, all the signs are gone…

what are we going to do now?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! i swear it was open on friday.

*whine* i don’t want to find another denny’s….it’s tradition, scummit dennys..

this is like, the last page in the final chapter of our youth. the fab four is over, we’re all spread out, we never see eachother anymore and now our denny’s is closed.

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slept til 4, went back to work LOL. we had 2 hours of dual rate training, got manuals, super speedily went through them, and started our shift. spent about an hour and a half on pai gow, and then i got to shadow the supervisor in roulette for the rest of the night. ended up flooring 2 games, doing the player ratings, and stuff, closing a table. the end of the night roll, to switch from swing to grave shift…ug. i don’t get it. so that’s gonna be the really only hard part, that’s gonna take some getting used to. but it was cool.

i feel like crap though. i felt like i was getting sick the past few days, sneezing alot. felt like crap yesterday, almost didn’t go to the party. anthony gave me cold meds before the party that made me feel better. today my head doesn’t feel as stuffed up but, it’s still all wacky and blah. i hurt all weird in my head and mouth. i don’t get it.

apparently the party got really rowdy with fights, and throwing chairs off the balcony and people getting fired. sucks ppl ruin stuff for everyone by acting like idiots. it’s like, hello…you are still at work, and you are still representing the casino with your actions. people are asses.

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