i’ve felt it necessary to write something lately. not sure why. i don’t really have anything to say.

I’ve been getting a lot of mental flashbacks this week. i put “a perfect circle” in the stereo, and it’s been giving me really strong flashbacks to last summer. particularly, rose and orestes. it reminds me of rain. It rained today. the combination of APC and the rain has been giving me even more flashbacks. one of them was driving in the car with Eric one day during the summer. must have been a weekend, because it was the after noon. we were on transit someplace, we went to dibellas for lunch (where i got food poisoning that night), then media play. i bought the Judith import single so we could snag some free posters (so then they’re not free, i know). it was raining really hard. It was hot too, so we had to have the windows up in the car so we wouldn’t get wet. It was really muggy. that’s how I feel right now. It poured all morning, now it’s muggy. yesterday it was sunny and warm, rose came on, and it gave me a flashback to sitting in my room last summer, listening to APC, and doing something on my computer. it’s strange. I’ve felt weird all week. maybe it’s the weather.

I’ve been thinking a lot about death this week too. Not my own death, other people’s deaths…3 people in particular. One of them emailed me yesterday. I haven’t heard from them in about 7 months. kinda weird.

ive been tossing around a new novel idea in my head the past few days. i have a beginning, not written, but not much else to say. Maybe i’ll get it out of my system this weekend. Adrienne and Danielle want me to continue “our story” but it’s so silly i can’t bear myself to do it. i would also need to do some major reworking of it due to situations beyond our control (haha, i laff because you have no idea what i’m talking about)

i hate muggy weather. makes me feel gross. ive been having issues sleeping again. It’s really weird, because i can be reading in the middle of the afternoon, get so tired i can’t keep my eyes open, and fall asleep in 2 seconds. at night it takes me at least an hour to fall asleep, even if i read before i go to bed, even if i don’t take a nap during the day. i don’t understand. i wish i could sleep good. i wish i could remember my dreams again, I’ve been having issues with that as well…i wake up, know i dreamed about something, but i have no idea what. It’s annoying, because i love my dreams.

i also came across a site that eased my apprehension about why I’m so obsessive about music. i had been thinking earlier in the week, about why i always get so obsessive over bands i like. Maybe obsessive is the wrong word, but it’s the word that my mother uses to describe me. i was thinking that i really do waste a lot of time and money on the bands i like. It makes me happy though, so that’s really all that matters. It doesn’t interfere with my life or anyone elses life. so it’s ok that I’m like this. but i was still questioning why i am. while i may make comments about wanting to date or whatever, people in the bands i like, i also have a VERY firm grip on reality, that i never will. i have also realized that i really don’t want to know the guys in the bands i like. they’re really not the kind of people i’d want to be friends with in “real life”. it’s cool to meet and talk to the guys in the bands i like, but in all seriousness, i would not want to know them in real life.

i am also not deluded in the belief they know or care about me because I’ve met them. more and more i come in contact with fans who’ve met so-and-so and suddenly think they are important parts of their lives. reality check: they don’t think of you when you’re not there. you are really not important to them, if they never talked to you again, i really doubt they’d give a shit. now, i really don’t care what people think. they can go ahead and think they are some thing important to so-and-so, or have some relationship, friendship or sexual, to so-and-so. But i can’t understand why these people don’t realize they are being really stupid and naive (side note: in order to spell naive i have to spell Evian backwards). it seems obvious to me. even for people that have met so-and-so many times, you still don’t have a relationship with them.

i think it becomes a problem when you start believing you’re important in so-and-so’s life, that you mean something to them. i have no relationship, nor ever will, with any rock star i like. I’m fine with this. While i still think it would be cool to know a few of them in real life, i realize this isn’t going to happen no matter how many times i hang out after shows to meet them.

what spurred this revelation on, that I’m really not messed up because of my “obsession” with bands, is the site of course, you have to take the testimonials of groupies with a grain of salt, this is the internet after all. But assuming they happened, these girls talk about their encounters with rockstars as if they were disappointed they were only a one night stand. HELLO! are you completely retarded? did you REALLY think you’re going to be of some importance to them after you have sex? certain people wrote about encounters with rockstars where so-and-so was a jerk to me afterwards, was too fast, was selfish. well what the hell do you expect?? they’re a jerk to you afterwards because all they wanted was a good fuck. They’re too fast because they have 10 more women to be with by the morning. They’re selfish because ALL THEY WANT IS SEX!

now assuming that had some kind of sexual encounter with a rockstar, i would NEVER, EVER in a million years expect them to care about me afterwards, to treat me good after, to…care anything about me, basically. They’re rockstars. They want to have sex. i would doubt that any serious relationship ever came from a groupie encounter with a rockstar. chances are slim to none.

So I’m ok. I’m relatively normal. I’m not deluded that I’m going to ever be involved with a rockstar, and never going to mean anything to them. this has led to me not even wanting to bother with meeting them. They’re really not people I’d like. besides, I’m not cool enough for them anyway. I’m a fan, i like the music, i collect cds and memorabilia. That’s about it.

as jon davis from korn so nicely put it on MTV regarding groupies/fans “fans like your music, they wanna meet you, get your autograph and shit. groupies want to get to know you better.”

I’m a fan. I’m happy with that.


how we got to that ramble from starting with me feeling weird and experiencing flashbacks from the APC cd and weather, i do not know. haha