blah

I’m depressed again. The summer of George Sara is coming to an end. We’ve been called back to work. Short training a week from today, then presumably back on the schedule, though there is nothing official yet. That’s not the only reason why I’m depressed again, but there is no specific identifiable reason.

I have not yet heard anything about the Terminal job, and my attempts to reach out and ask about a timeline have not been answered. I know how they work though, things move slow, and that’s ok. I don’t have an immediate need for the job (I haven’t gone back, freaked out, and thrown my badge yet haha) I just want an idea of when they might start interviewing etc.

Searching for another job is depressing. I am not stupid, I can do ANYTHING, I can train in anything and then do the job well. I just don’t know how to get hired. Not that there are any other jobs, other than the Terminal, that I actually want just….I want something else to do with my life. But I don’t know how to read XYZ job listing, make myself appear to satisfy the requirements enough to get an interview, and then prove that I am the best choice. And there is the same problem I faced 20 years ago, exiting college, where every listing wants experience. Take all these jobs related to processing mortgages. There are A LOT of them, and I could do that. Teach me how, and I can do that. How do I get into processing mortgages when every job listing requires at least 1 year experience in processing mortgages? How do I find the job that gives me that 1 year?

And then there is the salary issues. I am in a position to take a pay cut, and I know that I am going to. That’s fine. But there is a limit! I understand an entry level job, say in mortgage processing, is going to start at the bottom end of the salary spectrum. But holy crap those bottom ends are soooo low. Everyone wants advanced education, experience, etc, but then doesn’t want to pay for it.

I know all these things I’m saying have been said by millions of others. It’s just where I am at right now. Facing the inevitability of staying in my current job because I can’t get anything else that will allow me to financially survive in my life. And while I have been looking at online job listings, I haven’t applied for anything, because of all this pessimism. I want a new job, but I’m depressed about my options, so I can’t get the motivation to apply for the ones that seemed do-able. 🙁

It feels like the end of Summer Vacation, when it’s time to go back to school, a feeling I haven’t had in a long time. The last 2 weeks of freedom, and looking back at all I haven’t accomplished in my 3 months off. All the hikes and outdoor activities I wanted to do but haven’t, parks I wanted to visit but didn’t, crafts I have but not yet attempted and now I won’t because I’m going to go back to the work, sleep, wait to go to work cycle. And as things start to open back up, I’ll be pushed back into being social and attending events I don’t want to attend, and having no “completely free” time because there is always someplace I am being forced to go.

And all this is not to mention the fact that going back to work is exposing me to the virus. No matter how much we clean, or if experts are right and it seems that covid doesn’t spread much on surfaces, I will still be in an environment that is too full of (shitty inconsiderate) people spending too much time too close together in recirculated air. Of course, people are going to fight the mask wearing, wear it wrong, etc. I am having none of it. I will not be silent. No mask, no action. Simple. I’ll end up getting fired for lack of customer service and then I will NEED a job haha.

*edit* Denied an interview for the Terminal position. I did not meet the requirements. Great. I will just return to my dungeon of despair and collect a paycheck for eternity.

Quarantine Revelations

I had a revelation the last few days. I am not depressed for the first time in my adult life. I’ve been off work for 2 months now, and while I was worried about being bored, I am still NOT BORED. I am not necessarily doing anything productive, but aside from a few nights where once it got late, I thought, might as well go to sleep, I have not found myself sitting here saying, I wish I had to work.

This “freedom” to do anything, despite not being able to do much due to virus LOL, has just been so great. With the steroids for the headache I haven’t been sleeping, and I do feel really tired, but I slept 4 hours yesterday, got up ate an amazing piece of toast (what?! It was amazing again today and I’m going to eat the whole loaf), cut the grass, went for a walk, scrubbed the basement bathroom, and got inspired to make baked beans. I never am that productive EVER. In my pre-virus life, I sleep for 9 hours, lay in bed for another hour, move onto the couch for a few hours until I have to go to work and then start over. Is this what it is like to not be depressed? Is the lack of obligation that freeing? The requirement to do something or be somewhere that restricting? Because I am realizing in my usual life, I tended not to do anything on work days, cuz…I was just waiting around to go to work.

So the main revelation, other than the depression, is I think I’m going to quit my job. Not immediately. I’ll go back when called. But I think it is beyond time to move on and I want to do it by 2021. I don’t even need to find a good job, or a job with equitable pay, I just need *something else*.

Sitting here as parts of the country try to reopen, I’m feeling the dread creep in. That dread that I recently realized I have lost. I don’t hate my job, I may dislike my current boss a bit, but I don’t hate him I would just rather him not be there. It would not be the end of the world to go back for another 10 years. But thinking about getting called back…next month, the month after, whenever…I do not want to return to that dark dungeon of miserable people and continue my “work” (I do nothing).

I’ve always had delusions of being able to create a side hustle business out of something I can make…photography, crafts, whatever. You know, live that artisan dream. I know it’s unlikely to happen, or happen on a scale to live on, but these 2 months off of stitching, and surfing pinterest for crafts… I think I need to do something creative, even if that is just working in an arts and crafts store. At this moment, I could see myself perfectly happy stocking shelves at Michael’s, even if it’s around annoying shoppers and children. Just because it is something that is not a dark dungeon of despair.

Does this mean once I go back I won’t fall right back into the easy money, the lack of responsibility my job brings, and this mindset falls aside again? Honestly, I probably will. But I’m going to TRY to remain in this head space and move forward.

All that said….before the shut down the CTRC had posted a job listing for, basically, a community outreach organizer. It’s sort of a fancy official title for a whole ton of the things I used to do there for free. It was exciting and I had thought about applying. Enter the imposter syndrome – I don’t necessarily meet their qualifications, I don’t have experience in X, etc. I need my feminist friends to remind me that this doesn’t stop mediocre white men from applying to jobs, and to just do it! I had pysched myself up to apply, though I had a ton of concerns. Regardless of the pay cut, a job for a non profit seems like maybe not a smart financial decision in the long term. If it’s a contract job, is it a year? 2? Then what, I have to start over again. What if funding runs out? Then everything shut down, financial crisis, makes it seem like an even worse financial decision to make.

Well they re-posted the job yesterday amidst my revelation. Seems like a sign. So I am 100% going to apply. And those concerns? Well of course they are still there, but I am worried less about them. Oh man, in my shower fantasies, I can see myself in the job, doing great meaningful things. I can give the perfect interview, and get hired on the spot, and set up my office in the dirty dusty non climate controlled Central Terminal and be a happy camper.

So off to work on a cover letter. It’s been a while since I applied externally for a new position.

covid-19 etc

It’s been over a year since I last posted, and that was a dream. And before that it was books I read. As I’ve aged, I just have nothing to say here. And with facebook (and other social media that I don’t use like twitter) there isn’t so much need for personal blogs. You just put your single quick thought on another platform for everyone to like and comment on, because you know you have an “audience”. My attempt to return here to do the same never happened. But my hatred runs high for facebook right now, and while I haven’t been able to cut the cord, maybe I’ll end up back here in the end.

Anyway. I/we have been out of work for 4 (or is it 5?) weeks now due to non essential businesses being shut down for the covid-19 virus. I thought it would be a good time to come back and write here, about my “quarantine” experience, but like I already said, I don’t have anything to say. Initially our shut down was set for 2 weeks. Then 3, and now indefinite. When there was an initial report that we’d be shut til April 20 I had a moment where I thought WTF am I going to do for a month? I’m gonna need to go get a job at walmart for something to do. But the 20th is 2 days away and it looks like NY is shut down at least until May 14th now…another month. And…I am not sad. Or bored.

Previously, when I forgot I had scheduled vacations with no plans, and I just sat home for 9 days with nothing to do, it was a struggle. But honestly, I am not having many issues here. I have crafts to work on, books to read, tv to watch. I have fallen into a routine where I don’t turn the TV on until around dinner, or even after, and I read in the afternoon. Night time brings tv, crafts, movies (watching all the Marvel movies in chronological order). There is no where to go except the grocery store, so we’ve gone in the car to drive around and play pokemon/wizards unite. When the weather was getting nicer (before this week where it decided to snow every day!) I was going for walks, looking forward to being in the garden. I haven’t been “forced” to go to bars, and listen to shit music I can’t stand, and be social with people I don’t like. And of course, I haven’t had to go to work. I keep saying, that I am living my best introvert life right now.

This week wasn’t particularly great though. I’ve been on these new injectibles for migraine treatment for about a year, and I’d say they’ve been more successful that previous treatments. But not this week. I’ve had this current headache for 6 days now, which hasn’t happened in a long time. And that brings annoyances and irritation. Like J’s constant coughing/throat clearing/human noises like breathing and chewing. Driving me nuts. And interactions with my mom bring me nothing by aggravation. And I know I’m being an asshole but I can’t stop. I am so annoyed by everything, and given that there is no where to escape to, there is no where to be alone. And J hit a parked car with my car. Great. Right bumper and side panel is fucked, and it should not be driven cuz there is a bad noise of something rubbing against the tire. So even if I wanted to escape in my car while he is using his (since now he has to), I can’t, until HE gets it fixed.

All this weirdness has opened up new ways to stay in touch. Not to say I haven’t stayed in touch with Eric, Adr and Mary, we have a group chat through FB, but we have used a video chat app to have drinks “together” and play online trivia, which has been fun. A few people I haven’t talked to in ages…I mean, 20+ years…have reached out, which is weird but also nice.

And since, for the most part, I am not having issues with this isolation I have started to worry that going back to “normal” life, whatever that ends up looking like, is going to stress me out.

A few things I do “miss” though…I desperately want to get my hair cut, but I can’t. And I can’t wait to be able to go to a sit down restaurant, be waited on, be served hot food (not take out!), and have dishes be taken away to be done. (I did put my foot down regarding household chores, I refuse to do any more dishes. That is J’s job now. If I’m going to be the one doing all the cooking, and cleaning, yard work and laundry I absolutely am not doing anymore dishes or putting the laundry away, and I’d rather like to not cut the grass either.)

And the internet is horrible. Facebook is horrible. It’s just full of everyone’s stupid opinions, political shit, and everyone is getting even meaner than normal. Quarantine stress? I guess but….wtf. It’s awful. It is not helping.

I guess that’s it. Maybe it won’t be a year til I have something to say again.

Hillary Mother Fucking Clinton

Hillary wrote a book, and she came to Buffalo to do a signing. !! All you had to do was preorder the book from Talking Leaves, so I sent J to do it for me since he was closer and I was scared it would sell out right away when it started last month. He got the new book, and her children’s book, and that got you a ticket to the signing where she’d sign both books. The signing was yesterday at Larkin Square, inside The Filling Station (little cafe).

1000 tickets were available, so I went fairly early to make sure I wasn’t at the end of the line, and I was in the first 300. Old neighbor Jenny was there, from Boston, with her father so I met up with them when I got there, and then again after it was all done. The Buffalo News interviewed me and took my photo for twitter but thankfully I never saw anything get posted. Phew. I had Adr’s mom add some purple satin to one of my suit jackets, like Hillary’s concession jacket, and I wore that over my Nasty Woman shirt, with my Notorious RGB dissent collar necklace. There were all kinds of “girl power” tshirts, people with campaign pins, and other related garb.

There were a few protestors…a guy with a really nicely made sign saying to stop blaming others for her loss blah blah blah. Then a guy in fatigues showed up with a little flag and just kept yelling about Benghazi. And when we left, a 3rd guy had shown up with a cardboard sign I didn’t understand, something like “your pied piper didn’t succeed”…shrug.

Anyway, they let about 50 people at a time in through security, and into the Filling Station, where she was at a table signing books. They took all our books ahead of time so she could start signing before people were being let in to say hi, and then you picked them up after you went through. Once you were in, no cameras so I only got a photo from far away, but that’s ok. Everyone got to go up and say something and shake hands. I never know what to say, so when I got there she was signing a book and it went something like this:

HRC: And how are you today?

Me: I’m good how are you?

HRC: I’m good, thank you for coming.

Me: We really shouldn’t be here right now

HRC: *eye roll* I know.

Me: Thank you for everything. *hand shake, walk away*

HRC: I like the purple lapels.

!!!! YAAAY she noticed and liked the jacket. No one else had noticed until one of her assistants at the front of the line noticed.

So it was a cool experience to get to meet her, and see Jenny again. We grabbed lunch after and talked travel and politics etc. Awesome.

W the lovable goof.

When I re-did this site and re-read most of my old blog posts from the last 15ish years, it never occurred to me that I would also revisit my opinion of George W Bush and his 8 years in office. In Obama’s first few years, a certain friend joined a FB group called something like, Let History Be The Judge of George W Bush. He also “liked” pages for Bobby Jindal after his speech rebuttal. I couldn’t fathom this person being a republican, but I can’t fathom that a lot. I laughed at the “history judging” W, because it seemed so clear that he was terrible, and created terrible policies.

And then came Trump.

And I’m forced to admit that Bush (and Cheney) are moderate! That I long for those 8 years, when the world may have hated us, we were still respected. Bush seems like just a lovable goofball, fighting with is poncho at the inauguration, talking about being a pet portrait painter. That I wouldn’t mind getting a beer with him (or a hot dog, if you’re Stephen Colbert). That I actually respect his opinion on the current administration (!!!). Dick Cheney is a voice of reason. That I’d rather see Karl “Ham” Rove over Kellyanne Conway. Because at least their lies and distortion weren’t so blatantly obvious, so it seemed reasonable that people believed them. WTF has happened?!?

Trump.

I can’t keep up with my outrage over the administration’s first 100 days. I can’t keep up with the horrible cabinet picks, and terrible legislation regarding the environment, and terrible travel bans. I just hope the Russia ties turn into a big thing and the whole lot of them get pushed out.

An Open Letter

So it happened. Donald Trump was inaugurated as the 45th President. I did not watch it, but it wasn’t exactly a form of protest, as 1. I was sleeping and 2. I think I’ve only ever watched Obama’s first. God did not smite him down when he placed his tiny hand on the bible (unfortunately) and there was not immediate nuclear war. So far so good!

Yesterday was the Women’s March on Washington, and sister marches across the country (and world, even Antarctica!), including one in Buffalo. I tossed the idea of going around in my head for a while, even thinking about last minute driving to DC but in the end I did not attend. I am so proud and happy for my many friends who did go. And I’m extremely disappointed in one friend, who “liked” on fb, a photo of the Women’s march, with the Wonka meme saying “Tell me again how many women’s rights were taken away by Trump in his first 24 hours”. Sigh. I so badly want to send her a message, but I feel like I shouldn’t. But I can’t get it out of my head, so here we go.

You’re my friend, and even thought we don’t see each other often, it’s good we are friends. But I absolutely cannot understand your politics, and the political things you “like” on fb. Being a Trump supporter aside, which I also cannot understand, I just cannot fathom you’re dismissal of the Women’s March, and women’s rights. YOU are a woman! YOU have a DAUGHTER! How can you think that more rights for women is a bad thing? How can you not want to ensure she can get whatever she needs? How can you not support efforts to make sure she is treated the same as everyone else?

I hope to god she is not overlooked for a job or promotion because she’s a woman. I hope to god she doesn’t have a boss with a “grab them by the pussy” attitude. I hope to god she doesn’t go on a date with someone who forces themselves on her. I hope to god she doesn’t experience a sexual assault only to see the perpetrator walk free. I hope to god she never has a medical issue that she can’t get treated, because of governmental rules.

I understand someone being a republican, or a conservative. I can understand having different beliefs regarding economic theories. But I cannot understand a woman being against women’s rights. I can’t understand supporting people and ideas that will make your daughter’s life harder, as she’s the one who will bear the brunt of any policies that are passed, not us.

That was fun

I started reading Oliver Sachs’ book, Migraine. He wrote it in the 60s I believe, with an update in the 90s, so I’m not sure how outdated it might be, but…it mentions all the different types of aura’s people may have, and I realize I’m quite lucky with mine being rather rare, and fairly normal and unobtrusive in comparison. But as if reading it put thoughts in my head, I had a sort of new type of aura while I slept last night. I was woken up at 8:30 by the fact that my entire face and lips were numb/tingling as if they had fallen asleep. I’ve had those types of feelings before, but not my entire face, and not while I slept. So I got up and took some frova and tried to sleep again but I felt like that sensation lasted much longer than any other numbness sensation I’ve had before. It worried me, but nothing else seemed impaired, as if I had a stroke. While I slept for a few more hours I did have pain in the right half of my head, but upon getting out of bed I was mostly fine. I drank coffee in hope of it helping, but after that I felt super dizzy and shaky, and I don’t know if it was the caffeine or the migraine, or what. I feel very not well.

r879ijhgfdstrdfygh

I absolutely cannot stand the thought that we’re going to have to hear from the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES in one line posts on Twitter for the foreseeable future. I can’t stand that that is how he chooses to communicate. I can’t stand it I can’t stand it I can’t stand it.

Sometimes I start to feel like we have all over reacted, and things won’t be so bad, but then I am quickly reminded about all the horrible things happening…and I don’t meet racism/discrimination being “acceptable” now…I mean the people he is appointing to important positions, and why he’s appointing them – business favors. The thought that he could approve laws and get rid of laws that will benefit himself, his businesses, his business friends…I am constantly disgusted.

This is not America 2

It’s been a few days now since Donald Fucking Trump got elected President. A few days to think, a few days closer to him not being President, if you try to be optimistic.

I’m very happy I had 2 days off before having to be around the public, and around potentially gloating Trump supporters. It felt like someone had died. I never expected any election to cause such emotion. We saw Katheryn on Thursday, and she said, what she’ll remember most is walking into the bar and seeing me opening crying in public, and she thought AMERICA LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE, YOU’VE MADE SARA CRY! haha it’s funny, but yeah.

Government gets very little done, when it doesn’t want to. So while republicans control every part, the dems can refuse to work just like the repubs did with Obama. And Trump is not as conservative as people think, plus there still has to be some intelligent and cool headed repubs that don’t support him, perhaps things won’t get out of hand. (Trying to be optimistic here!) But what I’m more scared of is the legitimacy his election gives to the types of things he’s said, how he treats minorities and women…it’s already coming out – anti Semitic graffiti, verbal abuse of Muslims and Hispanics, including children. It’s gross. Teaching children that sexually abusing women is ok…teaching them it’s ok to bully and taunt other children that happen to not be white. Bringing out the very worst thoughts and feelings, and making it seem ok to do so.

Honestly, I don’t think he’ll make a full term, and not because someone is going to assassinate him. I think once he takes office and fully realizes what he has bitten off, he’ll pull a Palin and just resign. Or, he’ll be convicted on one of his upcoming trials, and he’ll quit before Congress can “fire” him, that way he saves face. But then we’ll be left with Mike Pence, who is truly awful and more frightening. Pence is his assassination insurance.

Ugh. It still makes me sad, and it can still bring up tears, but it’s getting better. The mourning, and stages of grief are coming to an end. Life goes on. We do what we can to make things better in the face of all this shit.

This is not America

It happened. Donald Trump is the President elect. Donald Fucking Trump. That orange reality show ass clown.

I was never confident in how this was going to play out. For months I had said he was going to win because the majority of our population is uneducated and you can’t underestimate them. Yes, it is looking like Hillary won the popular vote (like Gore), so you can’t blame the uneducated, but yes I still can. After Brexit passed in the UK, I knew, Trump was going to win.

I honestly thought the “grab them by the pussy” tape was a game changer, that it really did push undecided voters over the edge to Hillary, but apparently it did not. I saw some stat that 51% of white women voted for him. How? How does that even happen? How can you hate yourself that much to allow that kind of behavior towards women?

I don’t even have the words. We spent the evening at Founding Fathers, which was packed, and the atmosphere was great. People were counting down each poll closing, cheering for NY being called for Hillary…and then it just burst. The bottom fell out, there were tears (myself included), we left around 1, before any concession speech, while there was still a shred of hope. I went to bed knowing, but not knowing for sure, that it was over. I finished my evening, literally, in the fetal position on my bed, sobbing.

It’s not about Hillary. It’s not that I was her biggest fan, and can’t stand to see her lose, and not be the first woman president. It’s all about Trump. I’m terrified. I’m scared for my minority – in whatever way – friends. My gay, trans, non white friends. As a whole, I’ll be fine. Economy not withstanding, my life won’t change much. I’m a privileged white person, with a full time job, with health insurance (as crap as it might be). So many people I know that rely on government programs are in trouble. Women as a whole, are in trouble. We are just all in trouble. I’m scared of what his cabinet will be, who his advisers will be, who he’ll appoint to the Supreme Court, and everything they’ll be able to change because it’s all Republican run.

I don’t know this country. I honestly just cannot wrap my mind around anyone’s belief in this man’s ability to run the most powerful country on Earth.