I had a baby, and I did not care about it AT ALL. I had no attachment to it whatever, I wasn’t even sure it was alive because it didn’t cry or make and noise, or move really. I left it with someone to go on vacation, and came back and hadn’t missed it at all (“it” lol, it was a boy). I picked it up to try to act like a real mom, and burp it, and it finally started moving and stuff. I had no equipment for a baby, like a crib or changing table, or diapers or anything. I was holding it and I realized that it was going to turn into a crazy serial killer, or possessed demon like the kid in the Omen, because of a lack of parental attachment. And as I was holding it, it started turning red and shaking, the eyes turned red, and steam was coming out of it’s ears and I was like, yep, I was right, it’s already a demon, I should kill it. Suddenly it got really small, and fit in my hand like an action figure, so I figured I could just squeeze it to death and I did, and popped it’s arms and legs off. Problem solved.
dream
I had this amazing Harry Potter dream. I was at Hogwarts, but it was in the 1920s, and I was part of a group who basically started the Daily Prophet and created all these changes at the school. We started the Prophet on thin pieces of wood, and each one was hand etched by this one kid. I couldn’t believe how much work it was, and I kept saying, we’re wizards, we should be able to create something to make this easier. Then there were weird things about the school, like there were no bathrooms. There was also some kind of time travel portal a girl accidentally found, which took her to a department store in the 1970s. She was trying on make up and a guy walked by her all glammed up, and she asked him if he was sick, and he want off on her for being judgmental about how he dressed, that he must be sick or gay, and she was like, I’m just asking cuz you have blue eye lids (he had bright blue eye shadow on), and then he was totally ok, because she was into how he dressed and she liked David Bowie (although she’s from 1920 and wouldn’t know him). She got a bunch of stuff from the store and was going to go back through the portal, but security came and thought she was stealing, so they chased her around and they ended up back in the castle somehow, and we all had to hide from security. So I ended up hiding on top of a very steep roof with another student from the Prophet. I was trying to convince him, again, that we could do the paper easier than hand etching each one, and that we saw the muggle world in the 70s could mass produce stuff, so we should invent it now in the 20s.
I don’t remember much, but omg it was such an awesome dream. There was loads more I forgot while I kept sleeping.
Prince
So, Prince died. That was a surprise. I can’t say it’s affected me at all, as I was never a Prince fan. I didn’t dislike him, I liked all the big hits, but for whatever reason he never appealed to me the way other pop stars from that era did, and I didn’t pay much attention to him. He was a great musician, and he’ll be missed.
dream
My job was taken over by a cult. Specifically it was the Meyerism cult from the new show on Hulu, The Path, which also seems pretty much based on Scientology. We were on a compound but somehow were still a casino, and my manager Jerry came back from disability and was like, what the hellll happened here? So basically, he was the only person at work who wasn’t in the cult, and he was astounded to see me participating in all the cult things, prayers and whatever. Of course we couldn’t talk freely so I had to get him a message that we’d talk later, and I was able to tell him that I was just pretending to be in the cult, so I could keep my job. But he was like, I’m not in the cult and I still have my job. He just couldn’t get over me being in the cult, because he knew how much of a non-believer in anything I was. I kept insisting I was just pretending, faking it, but apparently I was doing a pretty good job because I guess I was pretty high up and respected in the cult. I was able to fall right into their schemes, and was good at manipulating people’s feelings and get them to join in.
Then periods of waking up and other dreams, then back to the cult.
I don’t remember much but it was something about, like,…a vampire jesus baby savior feeding on the leader to become the new savior/leader.
Sigh…
I don’t want to only post about how much my head hurts, but my head hurts. It makes me super depressed. Super hopeless. It’s been over a week. I thought I was over the hump of this particular headache yesterday, because it wasn’t very bothersome until late before I went to bed. But woke up with it back strong. On my days off. Again. With plans to see Avenue Q with a bunch of people from work tomorrow. I’m so tired of it.
I’m also even more tired of the election than before. Primary next Tuesday, and NY actually matters as neither nomination has been decided. I still don’t really know who to vote for. I change my mind constantly. I’m angry about it all, all the time. Maybe that’s why my head hurts. haha Trump is coming to Buffalo on Monday, and I really want to go see the shit show, but I’m not willing to call in sick for it. I may go photograph the crowds/protest before work. My mind is still constantly getting blown when I find out people I had respect for, or at least thought were marginally intelligent, are Trump supporters. It makes me sad.
So it goes….
So it turns out I did not “qualify” for the drug trial. My contact couldn’t figure out why because I clearly fit what they needed, with 26 out of 36 days with a headache. I’m really bummed about it. I am never going to get better.
She said there is another different trial coming up in May to try for. If that doesn’t work I’m just going to go to illegal drugs. There is nothing else for me to do.
Blaaaah
I hate my head. It hurts all the time. I get no relief from any medicine I have taken, so I’m joining a drug trial. I can’t talk about it on “social media”, so that’s all I say (plus I don’t know anything else about it to say). On one hand, I hope it works. On the other, I hope it doesn’t because once the trial is over I won’t be able to get it anymore, or once it’s released it’ll be too expensive for me to get. Fucking US health insurance. (Of course, once President Trump makes me move to Canada, I’ll be able to get whatever I want).
Should I ever find a “cure” for my headaches, I feel like my life would change. I can’t enjoy anything. I had to leave where we were and go home to bed Wed night because my head hurt so bad. It was fine until I went for my run, then it started pounding at the end and never stopped. So now I’m scared to run again. I’m scared to do anything. It’s always there in the back of my mind, making me worry that I’m going to get a headache any time I do anything – concert, road trip, vacation, work, whatever. Headache free, I could take over the world!! Or at least enjoy life.
But on the other side of the coin, my headaches are so much a part of who I am, if they were gone I don’t know who I’d be. And if I’m honest, they are an easy excuse for me to not participate in things I don’t want to do because I’m an introvert. If I don’t want to go to a party, I can just say I have a headache, and I am probably not lying.
Today I skipped out on the St Patrick’s Day parade with J because 1. I didn’t want to go. 2. I have been so tired lately. 3. Wednesday’s headache is still hanging around, I can feel it waiting to pounce. I probably would have made myself go if not for #3, to be a good girlfriend and a good sport, pretend I’m fun and personable, but I so much don’t want to risk feeling like I’m going to die the entire day, and then at work til 5am.
I hate it. Add it into my general depression and unhappiness lately.
Adult fun
The political stuff just keeps getting worse. I can’t even.
So, lots of activities lately. Went to an Escape Room experience with J, Phil and his sister, and Winkleman…it was…HARRY POTTER THEMED! When I saw it existed I knew Phil and I had to go. You didn’t actually need to know anything about Harry Potter to play, but it did kinda make it more fun for us. The room was decorated super nice, in the theme, so it was neat. It was kinda hard to get started, we had some issues, got a bit annoyed at each other, but once we got going it was fine and we “escaped”. We want to do some more, and there are lots of places like this popping up.
Buffalo Bloody Mary fest finally came yaaaaay! I was excited. Jeff managed to find a ticket on fb, so he came with J and me. 10 bars provided samples, and there were some food samples (maybe could have used more food). It was a good time. Full write up on Bloody Queen City. We went to Left Bank after for brunch, since we didn’t really eat at the fest. It was good, hadn’t been there before, but by that point we were bloody mary-ed out, so I didn’t try theirs.
Adam and Jory came up for me and Adam to go exploring. That was a giant fail though, but I think that deserves another whiny post. Got dinner, hung out at my house, no big deal but it was a good time.
Coming up J and I are going to see the BPO play Bowie. My mom thinks it’d be lame, I think it’ll be interesting. And we got the tickets on their leap day sale so it was way cheaper (not sure I’d have paid full price). The next day will be our last Sabres game of the year with Phil, and Porter and his fiance, since the Sabres are once again not making the playoffs (as expected…but next year, watch out. The way Eichel and Reinhart are gelling right now, so awesome).
And I’m trying to get a group from work together to go see Avenue Q. Got about 10 people interested, we’ll see who actually pays. I’m bad at getting groups together.
I’ve been trying to get into running. I reached that point in my weight where I always said would make me start doing something about it, like going to the gym. Only I’m lazy, and even though I have access to the gym at work for free, I don’t want to drive there mid afternoon to go, and I don’t want to stay after work at 4am to go…so running. No real equipment needed, and no need to go anywhere to do it. So I started a Couch to 5k app in the fall. I didn’t think I’d be able to do it, AT ALL, since I was never active and always shuffle walked in gym class LOL. It ended up going pretty well – until it got cold. I never need a big excuse to not be active, so the cold worked well haha. But now it’s getting nice again and I’m trying to restart it. I’ve managed to run 22 minutes straight, but I am not matching the distance I’m supposed to be at in those 22 minutes (2.25 miles). Whatever. J says I’ve got good form, so that’s good. Just going to keep at it (but not today LOL).
Been thinking a lot lately about how I miss the old internet. Might write a thing about it later.
Super Tuesday
It’s Super Tuesday. Not exactly meaningful to me in NY as our primary is not for a few more weeks, but hugely important to the country. This election is…gross. It’s truly making me want to throw up when I really think about it. How is this possibly happening that Donald Trump (Drumpf! lol) is the GOP front runner? I know that the GOP themselves are asking the same question, and imploding around what’s happening but…seriously…A racist, sexist buffoon could be the AMERICAN PRESIDENT! Now I am not the most patriotic person in the country, but it still is AMERICA! And this is how a large group of people want to represent the country to the world??
I know the late night shows have been loving this election, and I’ve laughed along with their bits, but the underlying truth that they expose is scary, and it’s not funny anymore.
People keep saying there is no way Trump could win the general election, but then he keeps winning primaries…and by A LOT! Whaaaaat??? The words that come out of his mouth should make everyone cringe, not nod in agreement. It shouldn’t be ok to act the way he acts. I’ll start to agree, he could never win, and then I hear more and more people support him, and I get scared that we are really underestimating the ignorance of the US population. I think that there is no way any educated person, GOP or Democrat could vote for Trump, and then I remember how many uneducated people there are out there. It’s terrifying.
To look at the other side, I honestly don’t know who to vote for in the Democratic primary. I feel like I need to vote strategically, rather than with what my actual beliefs might be. Who will win over the GOP nominee/Trump? There is such inexplicable virulent hatred for Hillary Clinton (like, not normal hatred, extreme uncalled for hatred, like she killed your dog and drank it’s blood hatred) that I think middle of the road, independent, whatever you want to call it voters might actually vote for Trump over her. And then Bernie Sanders being labeled a socialist, when people don’t even really know what that means, will scare too many people away….but into the arms of Trump? I just don’t know. Then my dad adds in the historic perspective – this happened previously in my parents life with Carter vs Reagan. Reagan was able to earn a lot of Democratic votes by playing the “make America great again” card just like Trump, including my Democratic pro-union grandfather. The US looked weak over the Iran hostages, and he pledged to “make America great again”, and won. Could that really happen again with Trump vs whoever? Could people really be that swayed by nonsensical rhetoric with no action plan behind it? Can educated people look past the racism, classism, sexism, and general grossness, can they get past the cognitive dissonance they feel, and actually vote for him?
Ugh.
I miss Sarah Palin. And Dubya. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
dream
I was with people from work, and some old MJ friends, and somehow we had pissed off Voldemort. He was giving us an hour to do something (like the end of Harry Potter!) or he was going to kill all of us. There was pretty much nothing we could do, he was going to kill us, so we were like oh well. Somehow it turned into a going away party for one of my coworkers, held in my parents back yard. I was showing everyone my garden, and even though it wasn’t summer yet, it was already growing because of the warmish winter. I already had small tomatoes, some already turning red. Then under my old swing set tower were things I had left growing through the winter, and I had giant GIANT watermelons. Then I realized I didn’t plant watermelons, they must be giant watermelon sized cucumbers. So people were laying on the dirt with the watermelons to take pictures with some scale. The more we wandered the back yard the more the garden grew, I had tons and tons of stuff growing.