I hate my head. It hurts all the time. I get no relief from any medicine I have taken, so I’m joining a drug trial. I can’t talk about it on “social media”, so that’s all I say (plus I don’t know anything else about it to say). On one hand, I hope it works. On the other, I hope it doesn’t because once the trial is over I won’t be able to get it anymore, or once it’s released it’ll be too expensive for me to get. Fucking US health insurance. (Of course, once President Trump makes me move to Canada, I’ll be able to get whatever I want).
Should I ever find a “cure” for my headaches, I feel like my life would change. I can’t enjoy anything. I had to leave where we were and go home to bed Wed night because my head hurt so bad. It was fine until I went for my run, then it started pounding at the end and never stopped. So now I’m scared to run again. I’m scared to do anything. It’s always there in the back of my mind, making me worry that I’m going to get a headache any time I do anything – concert, road trip, vacation, work, whatever. Headache free, I could take over the world!! Or at least enjoy life.
But on the other side of the coin, my headaches are so much a part of who I am, if they were gone I don’t know who I’d be. And if I’m honest, they are an easy excuse for me to not participate in things I don’t want to do because I’m an introvert. If I don’t want to go to a party, I can just say I have a headache, and I am probably not lying.
Today I skipped out on the St Patrick’s Day parade with J because 1. I didn’t want to go. 2. I have been so tired lately. 3. Wednesday’s headache is still hanging around, I can feel it waiting to pounce. I probably would have made myself go if not for #3, to be a good girlfriend and a good sport, pretend I’m fun and personable, but I so much don’t want to risk feeling like I’m going to die the entire day, and then at work til 5am.
I hate it. Add it into my general depression and unhappiness lately.