Category Archives: Personal

1. just talked to nate’s mom. i want to cry. i’m not sure why but i just do. they haven’t talked to him, like talk talk, no phone at all. she said they’ve gotten a couple letters from him, and it seems things are so far so good. now she thinks he’s off being assigned to even more remote of a place. they sent him a few boxes of stuff, but doesn’t know if he got them or not. i want to hear from him so badly. i am so tired of crying.

2. i am such a retard on the phone. actually, just now i was ok. but i told carolyn about the retarded message i left for nate’s parents, then adr called yesterday to talk and it’s just so ackward. the moments of silence are 100 times worse than moments of silence in person. ug. i hate it. i don’t know what to say, i don’t know how to respond on the phone. how did i used to spend hours at a time on the phone?

3. i had amy and sarah read my grad essay and they said the beginning is choppy, so i gotta look that over and submit it today. i don’t know if i should number my answers, since it was 4 numbered questions to answer…or do it in a real essay form with intro and conclusion. i don’t think i can possibly write an intro and conclusion for it. so forget it. whatever.

4. i need to write nate a letter. god i wish i knew if he got my first 2 things, i just want to hear from him. what is wrong with him that he can’t take 2 min to scribble me a quick letter!!! grrrrrr a long long time ago i got mad at a penpal i had because she’d write to me once a year…i couldn’t understand how she could have been so busy that she couldn’t take 5 minutes to write me something. same thing with some people now and email. you can’t tell me you don’t have an extra 5-10 minutes to drop a quick note to say hi. well that went off in an unexpected direction…

had a rough few days. my days off are always bad it seems. monday night when i went to bed was the worst. not getting into it. i’m hoping it’s mostly hormonal and that it goes away. if it’s not, than i got some shit to think about.

wednesday i had my echocardiogram. i didn’t get to watch it, which is a shame. i only got to see one thing quickly when i had to lay on my back. i think it was one of my valves…maybe the one that exits the heart. it was really cool so i wish i had gotten to see the rest. the lady doing the test said not to expect any bad news. so i have to go on…um…i dunno what day next week back to the reg doctor to get the results from the blood test and the heart test. the pain sorta keeps coming back so…they need to do something. i know they’re gonna be like, oh nothing is wrong, we don’t know why you lost 20 pounds and we don’t know why your heart hurts. which is exactly why i hate doctors, they’ve never ever fixed anything that has been wrong with me.

i might have another web project to do. unpaid to start. i don’t really know. my dad said something about guys at work starting a business and the one guy doesn’t like the aestethics of the page the other guy is making. so i gotta put together a portfolio of sorts to show what i’ve done, and maybe they’ll “hire” me. who knows. i guess the last project i thought i was doing i’m not since i never heard anything back about it. whatever. i don’t care.

i wrote my grad school essay. i think i finally have enough written thanks to cyndi’s help yesterday. now i gotta have some people read it and see if it’s enough and if it sounds un-retarded. but no one is ever around when i am. oh well. maybe i’ll just submit it as is.

finally called nate’s house too. i left a really retarded message because i get nervous calling there. forgot to give them my phone number so hopefully they kept it, or at least my name and address so they can look it up in the phone book. whatever.

i swear the casino has aged me 10 years. all the smoke. i get wrinkles under my eyes by the end of the night. i want to look old enough so people don’t think i’m a teenager, but i don’t want to have wrinkles. i used to get smile lines really bad with nate. especially if we were drinking. it’s like the alcohol made my skin lose elasticity, because i’d look in the mirror and have tons of wrinkles around my mouth. it was annoying.

my mom has a strange compulsion to hammer things at 7am. she did it again. 7:30, pounding brazil nuts. i told her to seek professional help.

we went to junction for lunch. exciting. i’m not driving out to get my uniform pants today because i’m sure they’re not the right size still. i have the guys cell phone number so i could call and ask, but that’s just really weird. they don’t have a phone at the mall to call directly. he’ll be like, uh how do you have my phone number? lol.

i bid on a portable cd player to send to nate on ebay. 7 hrs left, 9.99 for a 75$ cd player…which now seems kinda odd. but…oh well. it’s PANASONIC SL-SX289V. cd, am/fm tuner, anti skip, cdr/cdrw…auction says it is 100% functional except the headphones might not work. no big deal. i have 0982086 pairs of headphones. they break all the time. haha. even if it’s 10 bucks shipping it’s cheaper than anything i can find on sale around here that has cdr capabilities. hopefully it works and everything. suddenly i’ve become real skeptical about buying things on ebay. i don’t know why. i’ve never been burned. one thing was lost in the mail (or never sent) and i got my money back. another thing the guy never got my check, and it was never cashed, so i didn’t lose out on any money. he did say he’d still send the thing to me (nin closure vhs) but didn’t. but that’s ok. lol. i signed up for paypal cuz this auction only took paypal. so now i want to go buy a bunch of stuff with it. cuz i can afford it. *update* i hate ebay…was overbid, now bid more than i want to pay just cuz i wanted to push the price up for the other person lol. 2 hrs left.

who wants to go to vegas with me? maybe in the fall? no wait, i might be in school then…hmm…i dunno. nevermind.

lost the auction. didn’t want to spend more than 21$ cuz i didn’t know what shipping was. did nothing tonight. continued to read more irc logs. i found this.

Mystify: HAHA you know what he wished for me in the wishing game?? For me to be a paraplegic by the time I’m 21

now i don’t remember what the wishing game was, but that was about psycho. i don’t remember being told he wished that of me, and i don’t know why i’d know that since the log was from a year after we broke up…but he was still stalking me at this point. well too bad for him, i’m not a parapalegic.

now i MUST must must start/write my grad school essay tomorrow. and get my uniform unless i go early wednesday (i might), have nachos. now i need something to eat.

work was long and boring again. i hate my job. everyone was in a bad mood yesterday. got invited to the next after work party though…whenever that is, they don’t know yet. i got real depressed for about an hour or so, when i had nothing to do, about how discontent i am about my life. had to keep from crying, it was bad. i got some stuff to do and did it reeeeeaaal slow so i could stretch it for as long as possible. going slow and talking to sups for a half hour or so i stretched it into 2 hours. wow. 😛 did i mention they’re probably phasing my position out? they’re getting these computers installed on every 2nd table so that the floor supervisors can enter player ratings right on the computers. so that means all i’d be doing is getting paid to sit there and get fill requests, which you get maybe 5 a night on a normal night, and marker requests if you get some high roller in your pit. and that stuff the pit boss could easily do themselves. the other night when i was doing 2 pits, the other pit needed fills and the guy did them cuz he knew i was busy. so why do they even need us? that place is so inefficient. they have too many levels of employees. especially in the finance dept (which is technically the dept i’m in). and especially in pit clerks. we have nothing to do, the supervisors don’t do anything, and apparently all our manager does is check all the rating cards we enter. they pay us all to do nothing. but hey, it’s not my business, i don’t care if they’re losing money.

talked to some girl in the caf last night…we traded scary bug in drink stories haha.

anyway. gotta get off my ass and write the grad school essay tomorrow.

went to the doctor. i hate doctors. they make me feel stupid. they never believe me and they never fix shit. i’ve never had a doctor fix anything that was wrong with me. anyway…she thinks i have what my dad has, mitral valve prolapse (which adr suggested i had months ago i might add, go adr!), so i have to have an electrocardiogram on wednesday. and then she sent me for blood tests to check my thyroid cuz of the whole always hungry lost 20 pounds thing. so i went over to the place on meadow across from the highschool (amanda: haha yeah i laughed) and got that done. then i have to go back to see the doctor in 2 weeks after the test is all done and stuff. mom just thinks i had a panic attack.

but my alarm didn’t go off today, cuz it screwed up. i set it for 10:15, i checked it, it changed itself to 11:15. didn’t get up til mom screamed my name at 11, appt was at 11:30. this is the 108397th time it’s done that. i swear if it hadn’t gone off at the right time the day nate left i’d have killed someone. i need to find my old alarm clock. there was nothing wrong with it except the button fell off, but you just had to put it back on again and it worked. it worked without the button but then you couldn’t change the alarm or time or turn it on or off haha.

the rest of the day… i really should get unlazy and do this grad school essay. but i still have 2 weeks haha. and i should start burning off these 93 songs i have for nate. comp gave me weird “you have no memory left” messages the other day even tho i have 4 gb free still blahblahblah.

wow i had a bad night last night. everything started monday i think. had gone to mcds to eat and talked to christa. she asked if i still had the same boyfriend, so i said well he’s in africa so we had to break up when he left. she said she was sorry, and i got all weird and choked up and had to leave. then the crying in eckerd. yesterday i was doing some writing in hopes of gaining some catharsis and getting shit out of my system. of course the song this layout is based on had to come on too, so that just made me cry even more than i already had been. got over it. then missy was over for dinner. missy is one of those people who you can interrupt mid story and she’ll come right back to it in exactly the same spot when you’re done interrupting. slightly rain-man like, she’ll then repeat the end a few times. so i go down for dinner and she says she heard nate sent me a postcard. she said that was nice of him to send me something. (oddly, someone else mentioned to me that it was nice he wanted me to know where he was…apparently lots of people thought i’d never speak to him again…) then she kept saying how it was nice because most people just leave and cut ties, most people leave and you don’t hear from them ever again. so i’m sitting at the table about to cry, so i’m just like, how about we talk about something else now. went to bed last night at 12:30 or whenever, couldn’t sleep cuz i’m all screwed up from work. ended up staring at the ceiling for a good two hours and thinking entirely too much. cried for a good hour. wtf.

everytime i think i’m actually done with all this i have a really bad episode. everything i think and feel is so condtradictory i don’t know how to interpret what stage i’m in. because i feel over him. like i don’t think about him constantly, i hadn’t been crying every day anymore, my thinking has changed to where i can see myself with other people again…shit like that. i’m actually feeling as tho i’m forgetting him…i see the pictures of us and it’s like i don’t recognize the people in them. and that really scares me. but at the same time, i have all these other feelings about how i still want to be with him, and i want so bad for him to love me.

but i’m not delusional. i don’t have serious hopes that anything i want will ever happen with us. because i know it won’t.

ug need to stop crying.

ug i dont want to go to work. i’m in no emotional position to sit there for 8 hours with nothing to do but think. i’m going to cry and it’s going to be awful. mary’s comment below made me cry too. but like she said, it’s ok. crying now.

i feel sick all the time again. like i can’t eat cuz i just gag. mom keeps making me steak which is the absolute last thing i want to be eating. cut into one piece today, had a giant red vein running through it. almost threw up right there, didn’t eat it. in middle school i almost became a vegetarian when i realized that i was eating veins in meat and chicken etc. it just totally grossed me out. i can usually ignore it unless i see them, like tonight.

i thought i had gained some weight since i eat nothing but ice cream and cereal at work, then come home and have yogurt before going to bed. but no, i lost more. now i really can’t give blood, unlike last week when i just lied and told them i didn’t weigh enough. i still did, but just barely. now…nope. this has got to stop or there will be nothing left of me.

i’m contemplating going to africa. seriously. not anytime soon…maybe later this year. maybe could work it out to go before nate comes home, fly home together or something. gotta see more how things are over there with him and stuff. i probably won’t do it but…we’ll see. my parents are buying a bmw. i said that a while ago, but now it’s for sure, it’s been ordered and everything. i guess april is when they’re going to germany to pick it up and drive it around. it’s a station wagon. yeah. a bmw station wagon. seems to me to defeat the purpose of getting a bmw. but apparently it’s really a turbo wagon, and that it’s fast enough for my dad to take to the track to race. lol a racing station wagon.

i love eric. orgy, chicago, vapor transmission tour. best bootleg i’ve ever heard (quality wise). gah!! so great!!

well the miracle vegas headache cure worked for 5 days. got one last night cuz i was hungry and sat in front of my comp too long and didn’t go away last night. so i took 1 excedrin this morning (all i had left) and had breakfast so hopefully it’ll leave soon. i can’t do the miracle cure on myself real good. i can’t do it hard enough or long enough for it to work. i need to hire someone just to stab me in the back of my head every now and then lol.

gotta go to the postoffice to send danielle the orgy bootleg and dr allen stuff for the letter. he finally got back to me about it. he’s got 2 weeks to get it done now. then i gotta go to aldi for mom. super fun wow. i gotta call nate’s parents soon to see if they have anything they want to send along in my package. i was going to call this week but his sister might still be there, and home during the day, so i’d have to talk to her when all i really want to do is just leave a message on the machine haha. i’m so anti-social. actually i’d rather talk to nate’s sister and have her leave a message than his brothers. haha.

ren and stimpy is so ridiculously disgustingly great haha. and omg this steven lynch song “altar boy”…rofl holy shit it’s so bad hahah. it’s about exactly what you think it’s about lol…

i’ve been checking the weather where nate is…right now (er 11 pm their time) it’s 82 and widespread dust. that’s not a forcast you’d ever see here haha.

fred durst is dating britney spears hahahaha

i’m such a loser. started crying in eckerd. stupid valentines day cards. there was this one i miss you/valentines day card. stupid card. totally would have gotten that one to send to nate if we were actually trying to stay together while he was gone. but since we’re not, i got this other one. one that didn’t make me cry, but is still probably too mushy. it’s not mushy at all, but i’m paranoid about the message i’m sending to him by getting all this stuff to send him and everything. whatever. he can deal with it. he has no choice. got him those necco conversation hearts and nerds. the conversation hearts are so lame now that they have “email me” and “fax me” and crap on them. how romantic. and they taste disgusting, but that’s an entirely different story.

went and got 2 more uniform shirts and a vest. no pants still since they ordered them for me last week. too bad i couldnt scam bigger shirts tho. oh well.

to whoever keeps getting magazines sent to me. if you want to resubscribe to rolling stone for me, feel free. i wasn’t going to do it myself, now that it finally ran out, but i kinda miss getting it and not looking at it haha.

i’m getting a bit carried away with this music for nate thing. i just couldn’t resist the urge to put every song i like onto the cds LOL. now it’s definitely mostly songs i like ROFL. ug. first it was going to be just a few songs i like for filler, but now…haha. i’ve gotten songs off cds i haven’t listened to in over a year. and now i’m starting to get into the real subliminal message songs haha it’s gonna be the weirdest collection of shit ever. oddly, there is no u2 on these cds.

weird thing…i mentioned that they play “Everybody was kungfu fighting” at work…yesterday i was looking for it to download for nate’s cd – like i said, most bizzare collection of shit ever – and i didn’t know who originally sang it. then on the bus to work the driver had oldies 104 on, and they said up next was the song that made elvis want to learn kung fu by so and so…and it was the song…then at work, they played the song. it was a kung fu day apparently. i laugh every time i hear the song – cuz of the hamster, and cuz of waynes world. it’s great.

haha i have 5 hours worth of music for nate, not including the steven lynch stuff or o brother where art thou soundtrack.
odd stuff:
– vanilla ice – ninja rap
– kung fu fighting
– theme from mission impossible
– la tour – people are still having sex
– ymca – i had to haha
– tenacious d – tribute

haha he’s gonna be like w.t.f.

it hasn’t stopped snowing in the last 30 hours. we got at least another 6 inches while i was at work. and apparently niagara falls does not own snow plows. none of the streets in the falls were plowed even in the slightest. getting into wheatfield at least the main roads were plowed. lancelot and my street however, so not plowed.

work was nice and smooth and fantastic until we shut down pit 6 (where i was) and i got put in pit 5 to do the roll. i just totally don’t get it. and it’s really frustrating me because i am smart and i should be able to do it. i’m hoping that when i see tony tomorrow i can have him explain it to me, so i understand it. cuz i’m so confused about certain things i have to take into consideration when i’m doing it. i can watch anyone else do it, and follow what they’re doing, and it works. but when i do it, it doesn’t work and i end up with like 3000 extra dollars in the computer.  if i ask other dual rates who’ve been doing it since may (like tony) theyre like, oh it’s easy, blahblahblahblah. yeah it’s easy now, 7 months later. arg.

doing a photo shoot with brian tomorrow. as in like, i’m the focus. i hate having my picture taken, but this was really my idea. here’s hoping i look decent lol.

so brian came over around 1 and took a crap load of pictures of me. i will maintain that i hate pictures of me, and i hate my profile. but it was cool. we left to go to goat island only to see that it’s closed…so we drove back here the long way, though the factories, and played in the snow. made snowmen, and climbed the snow hill in the parkinglot next door. fun stuff. i love snow. yay

metropolis viewing party, january 28th, 8 pm.