emo crap

i’m over it. really. however i am not over the rest of the depression and issues it triggered.

here is what it comes down to. i don’t want a relationship. issues really prevent that. i want a companion. or companions. what has depressed me the most in the last month is the realization i have every so often that i have no close friends. correction, my close friends, the people who truly understand me, the people who are like me, the people who share my interests – none of them live here.

i’m always reminded of that after seeing the Foos. i’ve known the Foos more than half my life, and they are people i met on the internet, and rarely see. but they “get” me, and we get along without having to spend time together. my other best friends, they’re around they country. the people here that i’m forced to spend time with, none of them get me, i know they think i’m strange for my hobbies and musical taste and other interests. it’s always nice to hear a friend say that another person is strange or weird, when i know that i’m like that other person. so what do they think of me? what do they say about me to others when i walk by? i don’t think there is anyone i hang out with from work that i am completely comfortable, or “myself” around. because they just don’t get me, and they are not the kind of people who ever will. the friends that do live here who get me, like adr2 and bliss and lei and alex, i almost never see.

so there are these people who tell me how awesome i am, like the boy, and this other guy at work who for some reason bought me a very extravagant christmas gift. but the boy doesn’t get me, even if he thinks i’m awesome, and he certainly is not into what i’m into, so he never would really get me. these other people who’ve said it to me have all been married, and wifes usually frown upon husbands having a chick friend.

i just want friends. friends i am comfortable with. friends to travel with. friends to just hang out with, even if it’s sitting and reading a book.

and what am i supposed to do? join a group. please. i’ve never been a joiner, and what kind of group meets on weekday afternoons. go back to college? cuz i have tons in common with a bunch of 18 year olds. put myself up on a dating site when i have no interest in dating? not gonna happen. should i go to all the gallery openings to hang out with artistic people? i don’t like artists, they are pretentious and flighty. should i go to see local bands every week and be the weird old lady hanging around a bunch of 15 year old scene-ster kids? i don’t fit in anywhere.

so here i sit. myself and my cat.

time to take the xmas lights down while it’s almost 50 out.

rammstein – air canada center, toronto, ontario

Adrienne2, Bliss and I headed up to Toronto to see Rammstein on their first time back to North America since…oh, Family Values in 1999. They are huge fans, me…I like them, they are fun, but being in German and all, I can’t say that I can sing along, or know any song titles or any of that. And the non english thing hinders my ability to really connect with the music. But it was still super fun and entertaining, and the music and show were great.

Opening band was Combichrist, who we saw with KMFDM and then again a few years ago on their own tour with Julien K. I’m only familiar with them through the shows, and they are a pretty good industrial band. They started right when doors open, so even though we got there at exactly 8pm, we missed a little bit.

Rammstein probably played a good 2 hours with, as expected, a great pyro show. Lots of plumes of fire, hand held shooters, face mask flame throwers, arm bands of fire, wings on fire, fire works, explosions, setting people on fire, a canon that shot foam (use your imagination haha). Yeah. Pyro. I was going to say it’s the best pyro show I’ve ever seen, but thinking about it, it may be the only pyro show I’ve seen. Regardless, it had to be the best one. Those Germans are crazy! I don’t know the setlist, and can’t find one. Good show, good music, very entertaining. Glad I got the chance to see them since they’ll probably never be back again.

urbex haiku

an article in artvoice about the election concludes with an appropriate analogy…that this election is the prom king and queen star football player and head cheerleader vs the skinny guy and the nerd (something like that), and implies that america will vote for the prom couple. the analogy sorta gives me hope, because our prom queen was brooke…who was not a cheerleader, who was not in the “popular” crowd, who was validictorian…oh who am i kidding…

BCT on ghosthunters NEXT WEDNESDAY! don’t forget. don’t let me forget and watch 90210 instead 🙂

my uncle who writes haiku sent some of my last photos from detroit with david to a friend grant hackett, who wrote haikus about them…

To keep my hands in idleness and decay :: the piano is wrecked

An old friend says :: your name will be left in the air

Stuffed with echoes :: some day it will rain through the roof

You can see untitled stars through the holes in their eyes

i promise to take some house pics soon.

dream: using barbie dolls to reenact scenes and looks of britney spears and christina aguilera ha

popmart dvd. it comes complete with pop up edge. fantastic. and a great quote: “…the emergence of the quartet for the encore, alighting from the spangling Lemon like gay-acting robots from a space capsule (lol), to launch into the riff-munching big beat hoolie that is Discotheque. Knowing homage to Spinal Tap, inspired stroke of laugh-out-loud silliness, and simply gobsmacking the coup de theatre all rolled into one. “The Lemon” has entered the history of rock show gimcrackery alongside Black Sabbath’s Stonehenge (lol) and The Stones’ inflatable penis, and knocked them all into a cocked hat. And if you’d ever wondered where that Lemon is now, Edge has some breaking news… “Our manager has been handling the Lemon issue, ” he tells me. “At one point I believe he was trying to sell it to the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. That would have been perfect. As a vehicle I’m afraid it has its limitations – it probably wouldn’t get you to work and back. But it could make someone a fantastic cocktail bar.

i’m nervous about scamming to fix my phone…looking into sending in to just get repaired. i don’t want to get arrested or anything haha. bestbuy was the only place that had the phone, $300, don’t really want to be out that much money if they refuse my return etc…ug. what to do what to do

any locals want to check out st mary’s manor with me this week? chris & alex – it’s the place we tried to go, that was all boarded up. i have a key now 🙂 david – don’t drive 7 hrs for this one, it’s apparently not as exciting as it should be. but anyone anyone? come with!!

our air conditioning turned on. it’s so freakin cold in here now. my window is open to help heat the place back up. it’s not THAT hot outside, we don’t need AC yet. i wish we had controls for this damn place. arg. annoying.

depeche mode dvd comes out may 27th. i’ll be in chicago/vegas. carolyn said she’s gonna buy it for me for my bday lol. er rather, she insinuated that she will. it’s got 2nd disc bonus stuff, martin gore singing a song in his dressing room. hah.

went to their official site and was like WOAH crucifixion imagery.

then i realized it wasn’t a picture of someone being crucified…and it changes each time u reload the page. i just happened to get the religious one. hahah

so anyway. sabres lost tonight. not like it matters. might have been rob ray’s last home game, so that’s kinda sad. would have been better to win, but he was star #1. isn’t that sweet? going to rit to do the cd thing tomorrow morning. no other plans for the weekend.


ah the weekend. yay. classes were boring today, of course. got exam back in poli sci. 96. 1 q i got wrong was so retarded, i picked the wrong one even tho i knew the answer. not like it matters lol. and i somehow managed to get full 6 points on the one question about neo-liberal institutionalist perspective on internationa organizations LOL. i said like 2 things that weren’t even exactly right. not complaining.

then met for research. asked the proffs about my letters of reference. one didn’t think i needed it until after graduation (?!?) the other just forgot, thought that they wrote it. so both are doing it by monday for me so i can pay another 4 dollars to have them sent out to UofR again. still, i don’t know why i’m bothering, when I don’t want the job. now i really feel almost obligated to take it if i get it, because i’m not going to have health insurance after graduation, and my parents are all freaking out about it. well a giant chunk of the country doesn’t have health insurance cuz the US is retarded in that regard…i think i could manage. but of course, it’ll be my first day without health insurance and my brain aneurism will finally erupt enough to cause me to need emergency medical treatment, or i’ll get in a car accident or something. figures.

i was in clinical and randomly thought of part of a dream i had last night. well first off i dreamed i had really nice long hair, it was beautiful. and i wanted to dye the bottom underneath layer bright red. but then i was like, no i can’t because everyone’s going to think i’m copying Ozzy. so I was going to dye it blue, but then i was like no i don’t even like blue i want to do it red. then there was some other dream about me transfering colleges twice in 2 days with a month left til graduation. and then some other part of a dream where i was telling someone about how great life in New Orleans is and how I’m going to move down there…because of the heat, the pace of life is slower, and that i’m tired of the fast paced life of the north east. that i was completely done with the north east and going to move down south….maybe that’s a psychic prediction. i’m almost sorta scared that i’ll really adore New Orleans and want to move down there…because it’s SO hot. I’d have to adapt.

in regards to my dream about my hair. i sorta do want to grow it long again. i dunno why. but in my dream i had beautiful hair, and i know it wouldn’t look like that in real life cuz my hair is too thick. in the dream it layed down all nicely, and was just really great. like shampoo commercial good hair. but i have too much hair, so if i did grow it out long again, like how it was before sophomore year, it’d just be dumb and puffy again. don’t like that.