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work…another party that people asked why i wasn’t at. thanks for informing me of it the day after. mike asked me out again. i spent approximately 3 and a half hours doing nothing. seriously nothing. i was breaker, so i sat around in the abandoned pit with my sups and talked. they kicked me and mike out to have a meeting, so we went upstairs and watched tv. some people would do anything for my job – getting paid to do nothing, and all i wanted to do was go home. it’s such a waste of time. that was my only 8-4 shift this week tho. so it’s nice.

got up at 2 today cuz i thought i heard someone talking. i did, adr on the answering machine. i didn’t hear the phone ring tho, which was odd. so i got up, watched ozzy on mtv for 3 hrs. adr came over to pay me and give me the cd player. hung out for a while, and she left cuz i gotta go to work now

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haha yeah i just got pulled over by an NT cop…speeding and going through stop signs. did i get a ticket? of course not. i don’t know how i manage not to get tickets but i’m not questioning it. he asked how fast i was going, and i said i didn’t know (cuz i don’t think i was speeding…probably was, but haha…and the stop signs, yeah…haha i go through them every night). then he asked if i thought i was going fast, and i said no LOL so he said, let’s try this again, were you going fast, YES YES I WAS! I WAS GOING SO FAST! so he said not to let him catch me again. good thing it wasn’t nathan or i’d be dead. funny thing was, on the way home i was thinking about how if i got a ticket i’d have to get off work to go to traffic court, and all this…and then i get pulled over. that’s why i gotta stop thinking bad things about people, they’re gonna start happening.

another funny thing…i am surprised at how not upset i get being pulled over. i mean…when i got pulled over leaving nate’s a few months ago, i had been upset and crying. then i get pulled over and i’m perfectly calm and fine…same with tonight. wasn’t nervous, no tears…haha. weird.

 

the mj show…running commentary.
– count of the use of the word disturbing by bashir: 2… i lost track and stopped listening for it.
– i should be counting the number of times MJ says “magic”…
– holy crap is his face ever horrifying. at first it looked ok…end of the tree segment…i’m gonna have nightmares.
– he’s got some interesting paintings on his walls. wow.
– i wonder what he thinks about when watching performances in the jackson 5
– i want his big jolly green giant statue
– everyone was making a big deal about how he went shopping in vegas and just pointed at things to buy without looking at the price tags. well when you’re rich and have millions of dollars, how much things cost doesn’t really matter. plus the fact that he had taken bashir into the store to show him what he already bought…so he pointed at things and said, i bought that. who knows what really happened when he was there buying them. yes he pointed at a few extra things and said he wanted them without the price, but again. if i had 300 million dollars i wouldn’t be worrying about prices either.
– ROFL he spells out “fuck” haha best moment of the interview
– holy mother…the paparazzi at the berlin zoo. unbelievable. i couldn’t live like that.
– he has flamingos!!
– throughout this whole thing, it hasn’t been that big of a deal. until this part…about children. and now bashir is a dick. first off, this is supposed to be a documentary…his opinions are not necessary. he doesn’t need to be mentioning how uncomfortable he is, and how he HAS to confront MJ about his “obsession with children”…that’s bullshit.
– ok so it didn’t tape the whole interview. i wonder if my parents fucked it up or if it went over…there’s still tape left (it’s general hospital from last may) arg pissed off now. cuz this was the real controversial part.

ok so from what i’ve seen, i don’t get what the big deal was about all this. it’s no more weird or sad or whatever from every other MJ interview. that’s MJ…he’s eccentric. get over it. bashir wasn’t all that much of a dickhead until the end. yeah his opinions throughout the show were really unnecessary, but whatever. it’s obvious that he was highly biased as to MJ going into the interview, far from being an objective reporter. he asked leading questions in order to get sensational answers…but i think we all know, that’s what investigative journalism does…i’m surprised i don’t have more of an opinion on all this. i still think sandy’s the mother of #3 haha.

gotta find this online so i can see the end.

on another note, there is just something really funny about this headline “Rolling Stones Give Free Concert — No One Killed” haha

 

i just want to say that i still get really upset about everything that happened this time last year. like…i was thinking about it the other day, and i started crying. and YES i know i cry like every day, i haven’t cried that much this week, but i cried thinking about all the shit.

secondly. i’m going blind. my right eye. i need to see an eye doctor, like, a real one…not someone who just gives u glasses. do you need a referral to see one?

thirdly, and this is not new information. i hate my life. i hate everything about it. and i’m sorry for taking it out on everyone else. my first friday off in forever, and i spent it in a way i did not want to AT all. i should have made plans to go to geneseo like i was considering, but i didn’t. and after a week of feeling ok, i’m miserable again.

i think i need to remove myself from everything. everything i do and everything i say causes more trouble. and it’s not worth it.

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the computer system went down at work, so for the last 5 hours i did nothing. i couldn’t take it any longer so i asked to go home early. and here i am. turns out 2 of my fav pit bosses left for the grave yard shift. wtf?!?! now who is gonna cure my headaches?! besides work being so utterly boring, i spent my night getting poked constantly by one of the floor sups. i guess he thinks it’s fun to torment me. and then shit went down in my department, so i got to be informed about that. it was good.

i’m waiting for all kinds of mail, which i apparently didn’t get today. ug. stuff should be here by tomorrow.

oh, and i love “candyass”. that cd rocked my world the past few days. esp “revival” for some reason.

 

ug…i’m so ashamed. justin timberlake is really sexy in the “cry me a river” video…esp after he video tapes himself fooling around with the dark haired chick to show “britney”…yeah. ug. what’s wrong with me.

getting the prints of my dads pics made. yay. they’ll be done friday. i might get some framed if they look good. i don’t like not being able to print them myself. but it’d be way too much of a hassle to set up the dark room in the basement.

i watched this show on vh1 yesterday called “My night with…” and it profiled fans and their experiences with bands…it was…interesting. my favourite one had to be the guy who got backstage passes to a Madonna show…he was a big fat hog, and was gorging himself on the food backstage when he heard a voice say “You are a disgusting pig” and it was Madonna. so she sat down with him and gave him diet tips blah blah blah and now he lost all the weight, and thinks he’s so hot and can get all kinds of women. lol. he was not exactly what i’d call skinny, nor attractive. but he’s got a way good story about how he lost weight lol. there were regular groupie stories…one was this girl who was interviewing blink 182 for a zine she ran, and it ended up turning into her and her boyfriend having sex in the back of the tourbus while Mark and Tom watched. the other really cool one was a girl who got pulled on stage to play guitar with U2 in Vegas. they had really good bootlegged clips of it, and it was really funny. bono started singing about her, and how she had sandles on and liked edge better haha.

i also watched General Hospital for the first time in over a year yesterday. it prompted me to have a weird trent/nate GH dream. i don’t really get why when i dream about trent or nate they morph into each other. it started off with it being trent and ended with it being nate. and it was bizzare. lol. anyway.

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ug. did not sleep well at all last night. just like every monday, it took 4 hours for me to fall asleep cuz i sleep in too much from working on sunday. at least i didn’t make myself all upset and cry for the whole 4 hours like the past few mondays. but i still couldn’t sleep. slept for 2 hours when the wind woke me up, and i realized my arm was completely numb. rearranged myself, my arm never became completely un-numb, while at the same time my other arm went numb. i got up to pee, and get the blood flowing only to have half my face and neck go numb. so that worried me a bit. couldn’t get back to sleep cuz of the wind. finally did, slept for a few more hours and now i’m up…from the wind…again. i had a really nice dream before i woke up tho. i can’t post it because it would be rude. it wasn’t about nate. haha. i’m kinda all fucked up from it now tho, cuz it turns out just to be a dream.

anyway…i gotta pay bills today…basically 700$ worth of bills. yeaaaaaaah sucks. 6 months of car insurance, health insurance, school loan, credit card bill. gotta go to kinkos to photo copy the pictures nate and i took before he left because he requested i send them to him. gotta find black construction paper to fake out the scanner and scan the terminal negatives. then i have to figure out how to make semi decent print outs of those to send to nate to show him what we’re missing by not going inside lol. maybe i can get them for real printed at the place that developed my b&w film..hmm….they’re such a weird size film tho, they might have to send them to kodak and then it’d be real expensive. blah. then i work at 8 tonight for nakita. friday off instead.

and not moving the fab four site to woopop.com. i realized it wouldn’t make any difference in my space, cuz all the photos are cross linked from delirious anyway…which means none (or few) would be getting deleted…blah. i got 21mb open now, which SHOULD last me for a while. the photos i uploaded from my dad last night took up 2mb, so the rest of the terminal pics shouldn’t be that much more.

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craziness at the casino tonight. but i can’t talk about it. ug. i hate this confidentiality thing. it seems so unimportant in this “career” but whatever.

i DID find out that everything has changed regarding dealer school. the guy i talked to last week saw me today and said i could go to the school now. but…i work nights, school is at nights, so i can’t. i have to wait for a day class to start, and he said it should be soon. i don’t know what game the class is for, and i don’t know how long it goes, but i should be becoming a dealer in the next few months. happy about that. since there were rumblings of a supervisor position opening up, i thought maybe i wouldn’t transfer. but i asked one of my sups what they would do, and about pay and stuff, and i’m going for the dealer instead. my sups only make 100 more than i do right now, and dealers are bringing home more than that cuz of tips…then in the summer, they’re gonna be making tons more. so yeah. dealer.

i guess there was an after hours thing on thurs night, cuz yesterday some floor sups kept asking me why i wasn’t there. i was like um well if u noticed i wasn’t there, and wished i was there, maybe you should INVITE me next time lol. the one said it was this other persons job to do the inviting, and another said that he didn’t go either, but just wanted to know if i went…ok. haha. i can’t just show up, u have to be invited to these things, since it’s illegal hahaha.

anyway…

 

so my mom knows more about what’s going on with nate than i do. apparently mrs royal told her all kinds of stuff which she didn’t think neccessary to tell me. like that he’s living with a family with 8 kids before he get’s his assignment, and that the food isn’t as bad as he was expecting it to be. good to know. thanks for telling me. now i’m just in this pissed off stage. i’m really tired of all this. it was fine not getting anything from him until i found out that everyone else is…i guess i’m the special one who gets to never hear from him. whatever. fuck it.

i got a letter from him today.

 

i had to do some website pruning. i’m out of host space. so sites had to go byebye. my orgy photo capture site is now gone, freed up 10mb of space LOL. adrienne’s store site is gone. i asked the people i host to see if there are things they can get rid of. hoping to move the fab four site to woopop.com. just waiting for eric to get back to me on that one. already told my dad months ago to stop uploading pictures to his directory. his directory, and of course, delirious, are my main space hogs. but it’s MY site, so i can use all the space *I* pay for lol.

so now the question is, why did i need more space. because of this: paydirt.

a boy from cheektowaga IMed me today because he found my pictures of Buffalo Central Terminal. it inspired me to finally ask my dad where his pictures of the terminal might be. so we dug through shit in his basement room, found all kinds of his old photos, and 2 books of negatives. of course, all but 2 of the terminal pics were never printed, so my project is now to scan the negatives. but besides that, i scanned a bunch of other pictures my dad took in the 70s to add to my photography site. which is why i needed the space.

so…take a tour of photos my father took and his terminal pics. he also had made prints from old glass plate negatives he bought, which you can look at here. i gotta work on scanning the negatives – which is going to be a challenge because they are on weird sized film. i gotta create a mask thing to fake out the scanner…yay a project.

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why buffalo is great: you never get bored with the weather.

i love buffalo weather. seriously. we have THE strangest weather. the summer is pretty normal…it’s hot, thunderstorms, hail, the occasional tornado. winter is more interesting…first of course, you get the lake effect snow…blizzards…7 feet at a time. can’t beat that. then you get lightning with the snow, like before nate left. then, like the past 2 nights, you get fog. yes, that’s right…it’s 5 below zero and it’s foggy. and this isn’t normal fog, this is like…frozen fog. i’m surprised it doesn’t just freeze into a big wall. it coats everything with a thin layer of ice, which is hard to scrape off your car. wednesday night was just sorta creepy. it wasn’t that bad, it was sorta patchy and it made the lights from the factories, and on grand island look really eerie. then on river road i was sorta driving under the fog, so it was like a ceiling. then tonight, it was REALLY foggy. i stepped off the bus and it was like fog made of ice crystals. it just hit me, it was strange. then driving home, until the water intakes on the robert moses, it was so foggy i couldn’t see 5 feet in front of the car. it was the worst fog i’ve ever seen and it was really scary. i actually was going 30. i never go 30!! i drove in the middle of the road so i could see 2 white lines in front of me at all times and not go off the road…and then just like that, it ended.

how can you get bored with that?!?! lol.

anyway. had a good night at work. made fun of people, didn’t eat my lunch by myself, all good.

turns out MJ’s interview/reality tv/documentary thing is gonna be shown on US tv after all. feb 7th. i’ll have to tape it unless nakita switches days off with me like she’s supposed to. not like i wouldn’t tape it anyway. this is some heavy duty big deal stuff.

 

why i love buffalo part 2: it’s 40 out and people stopped wearing coats.

i need to hurry up and learn how to play bass so i can audition for a perfect circle. apparently paz left to join zwan full time. so..maynard has like 3 projects he’s in, and troy has like 5…josh has been doing all kinds of things for others, but paz can’t seem to handle being in 2 bands at once. ok. whatever. new stuff expected in the fall i hear. can’t wait!

for some reason i dreamed about 30 seconds to mars playing at the casino. and jared leto was waaaay hot. he kept looking at me. it was nice haha. strange tho cuz i’ve never seen them and know zero songs by them.

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this is unbelievable. so i’ve mentioned the bands that play at the casino. there’s this one, called the Marinos, which i consider to be the worst. they’re the worst, but they’re so damn entertaining cuz they suck so bad. i seriously get the hugest kick out of the fact they’re not embarrassed. when i’m in a pit that faces the “stage” i can’t take my eyes off them, i wait in anticipation for the next stupid looking thing they do. basically, we call them the glorified kareoke band. (there’s other kareoke bands who play too, like last night, the woman who thinks she sounds like tina turner). anyway… they have a website, and apparently they’re hella popular. they have merchandise, and we’re talking heavy duty merch…not just some crappy silk screened t-shirts, or cafe-press store crap…we’re talking embroidered satin and denim jackets. they play atlantic city all the time. they are AWFUL. i suggest you check them out. http://www.marinosband.com/index.htm. i also suggest you take a listen to their demo…the “get this party started” cover is great. you can find them under “photos” cuz that makes so much sense. hey this “fantasy” demo is pretty damn um..good..too. it’s not mariah carey lol. oh lord the screeching at the end. maybe it IS mariah…haha. “hero” is mariah.

maybe i should offer them my web services. i don’t usually see them leave the stage to go accost them however…hmm. maybe i’ll email them. yeah. sounds good. of course i’d have to delete all these posts about how much they suck tho 🙂 and the best news of all, they’ll be playing throughout february!! i can’t wait!

mom made me an appt at the new neurologist march 3rd. it was kinda funny, cuz the receptionist asked her when my last MRI was and my mom said never haha.

my room and my car are black holes. things go in them and then are stuck there. my car is the worst. inside are happy meal toys from god knows when…a head band…the NIN fixed shirt from eric…nothing ever leaves my car. except people. then my room. i just noticed there is a book of matches on my table from vegas…i went to vegas in may. they’ve been sitting there untouched for the last 7 months lol.

dude terry buchwald (elvis) doesn’t have a website. i could offer my services to him too. that’s it. i just gotta pimp myself out to the bands at work. joanne would love me cuz i’d know elvis haha. hmm..does what’s his name have a site?…lance diamond? no apparently not. he hasn’t played at work in a while tho…i dunno what the name of the tina turner kareoke girl band is…

i’m gonna go practice dealing blackjack now. bye

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holy jesus i hate mailing things. everything should be done electronically. we should all have “beam me up scotty” machines in our houses, so things can just materialize places.

so wrote nate a letter finally, last night before i went to bed. then kept remembering more stuff to say, so kept getting up to put PSs on it. got the package together – the sushi kit, the grass kit, caligraphy book, cross word puzzles, random ads and articles cut out of magazines, superbowl article, and lots of candy. and photographs. and the valentines day card.

took it and another package to the post office. i asked the guy what the difference was between registered, certified and insurance…he didn’t do a good job explaining them to me. but whatever. so i got prices and stuff. airmail to niger would have been (at cheapest) 25$. 7$ more to certify/register/whatever. ok yeah the stuff i’m sending him this time is worth about 10 bux lol. sooo i went with the 4-6 weeks shipping method, and it was 12$, no insurance or any of that this time. i’ll save my money and insure the cd player, and even airmail (maybe). so then, package to toronto…7 freaking dollars. why does sending mail to canada cost me 7 dollars?! and it’s airmail. you know DAMN well they’re not flying my package to toronto. i should have just taken 3 hours of my day to freaking drive it there myself. ug. so now i’m broke. i just went to the bank too, thank god.

so at the postoffice i’m asking him about the prices and insurance and all that crap and this woman next to me speaks up. turns out she’s my old french teacher, and down the street neighbor. she goes “where you sending it to? nigeria?!” haha so i go “actually, niger” lol. she’s like, “wow i was just kidding” lol. so then she asked me why i was sending it, and so i told her exbf in peace corps blahblahblah. she’s like “he picked africa over you?!” LOL so i go “well he picked africa before he met me, if he hadn’t, of course he’d have picked me” hahah. weird thing was, when i turned to look at her, i thought it was nate’s mom LOL. this is the 3rd person i thought was nate’s mom. the woman at the library reminds me of her, and this woman who deals roulette at work reminds me of her. and now apparently, my neighbor as well. but then i was like, why would she be at a post office off the island? and then i realized it was my neighbor. and i realized i have no idea what nate’s mom’s name is…maybe she told my mom on the phone the other day.

and i just bought this. reefer madness, cocaine fiends, and sex madness all on dvd. i only knew about reefer madness. can’t wait to see the other 2. cocaine fiends sounds like the same plot of reefer madness, but just on dope lol. and sex madness…gah it’s gonna be great.

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there’s nothing wrong with me. isn’t that super? i guess my heart just hurts, and doesn’t beat right, and i lost 20 pounds for no reason. i guess my body will just naturally maintain itself at 110 and if i go over that, i’ll just lose the weight again. no sorry, she told me i must be sick, or whatever, because i work nights. some study came out saying people who work nights are more suseptible to illness because they don’t sleep right. i’m so frustrated because once again this just reaffirms that i don’t go to the doctor because they don’t fix what’s wrong with me. i’m supposed to try to get proper sleep. i feel like i’m in fight club. *chews valerian root*

she did give me the name of a new neurologist, cuz i asked, and she agreed that my current one has a bad attitude. so i guess i’m gonna make an appt with the new one, hopefully get on some new drugs or get a brain scan to proove/disproove my theory that i have an aneurism.

so now why am i crying again?

how do you spell proove? prove? no. it must be proove. that looks so wrong.

 

had a very bad day. trying desperately not to throw away everything i have left in my life. if i go off on you, ignore me.

it really, really disturbs me that a certain person i know peripherly has had sex. like…i am so completely disturbed. mainly because she’s one of the most hideous people on the planet. more hideous than the 2 let’s-plan-to-have-our-babies-at-the-same-time-white-trash-girls from high school who we saw at canal fest. i know there is someone out there for everyone, and that the people fucking these…waste-oids…are people i wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole…but still. *shudder*

why aren’t boys lined up to date me now that i’m single? 😛 it’s like, once again, there are 2 categories of people. the white trash people mentioned above, and the ultra-super-hot-never in a million years in my league people. where are the middle-of-the-road people? i’ve basically wondered this my whole life. i’m not trying to be a snob or egotistical here, but…really. i’m not ugly. from what i’ve been told recently, i’m a “really hot girl” with a “really great personality”…i don’t get it. neither did nate. aside from nate i can only attract white trash, unintelligent…idiots…with no future. great.

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my parents taped the superbowl so they could later fast foward through it to see the commercials.

work seemed dead, it seemed like i didn’t have much to do, but at the end i had so many rating cards i had entered they barely fit in the box. weird. they had a superbowl party, so once the game ended more people came down to gamble.

i have to go down there today to talk to the day time casino shift manager about getting into dealer school. apparently it starts…today. i don’t know really. one person said today, one said wednesday. either way i probably won’t get into it this time. and someone said it was for outside applicants only, not in house. someone said it was only for craps dealing. no one really knows for sure. but i figure i’ll go down, find out what i need to do as an in house applicant, and hope to get into the next school. i really don’t care what i deal, although i could deal black jack now, and i know nothing about craps. i had one of my sups ask the IT guy if they were hiring last night, cuz i’d be on break when the IT guy showed up, and she said IT isn’t hiring. but i figure i’ll still contact them and tell them to hire me. even tho i want to deal, IT dept would be better in the long run cuz i could still work and go to school as long as i could be doing my homework in the IT office.

speaking of school, some guy from UB called today to tell me they only had 1 letter of ref in my file, and they can’t process my app until they have at least 2. i’m like, yeah they should all be on their way. i know it was sorta short notice that i told my proffs i needed letters, but it was still more than 3 weeks. one was sent out last week, and i had email that one was sent out today. that’s cutting it a bit close. but whatever. they’re all on break, what else do they have to do that it took them so long to get them done. not that i’m ungrateful or anything…yes all professors do is go to class. they have no lives and no families that take up their time. it’s all school. haha

 

i spent more time driving to work, taking the shuttle to the casino, and going back to the lot than i did actually talking to the guy i went to see. i think i spent less than 2 min in his office. can’t transfer departments for 6 months. so next class in april, i could get into, and by the time class is over, it’ll be june and i can transfer. ug. not sure i can take this for 5 more months.

went to the mall afterwards to take back thing for my mom, sought out the comforts of target, and went home. there are all kinds of rereleases of toys from my childhood…like fashion polly, strawberry shortcake, care bears…what’s next? popples?

i think i was supposed to write to nate today. i mean, on my list of things to do, that was one of them. i decided to wait til after the superbowl so i could talk about it. not like i know anything about it. i printed out article from buffalo news for him. but now i’m procrastinating writing to him. still hoping i’ll hear from him soon. fuck it.

doctor tomorrow.

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