running to stand still

And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was lying still
Said I got to do something
About where we’re going
Step on a steam train
Step out of the driving rain
Maybe run from the darkness in the night

Singing ha la la la de day
Ha la la la de day ha la la de day

Sweet the sin
Bitter the taste in my mouth
I see seven towers
But I only see one way out
You got to cry with out weeping
Talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice
You know I took the poison from the poison stream
Then I floated out of here

Singing ha la la la de day
Ha la la la de day ha la la de day

She runs through the streets
With her eyes painted red
Under a black belly of cloud in the rain
In through a doorway she brings me
White gold and pearls stolen from the sea
She is raging, she is raging
And the storm blows up in her eyes
She will suffer the needle chill
She is running to stand still

the life you didn’t lead

wow…the south park Michael Jackson/Blanket/Framing Rich Black Men episode…dear lord LOL!!!! the “shamons” are classic
“the life you didn’t lead” (unreleased With Teeth song)
From somewhere
To someplace safe

And for once
As you watch
The color of the sunset
As it paints the walls

And you are not living in a memory
You are vital and alive
You are at peace
You are godlike

And you are safe

And that moment will last
In a place
In your mind

There is no pain
And you forget what it feels like
And you can see
How it could be

dream i had last night. my parents had bought tickets for some apparently very classy and exclusive play at sheas – for me, them and their friend. however none of our seats were together, and sheas had a strange reverse seating part where your back was to the stage and you had to watch it on tv screens. that’s where my seat was. there was an opening act for this play, and it was britney spears….wtf. i’m sitting there by myself waiting, and who shows up and happens to have the seat next to me? dan. he apparently came in from minn. to see this play and small world sat next to me. so britney comes on and you hear just a wave of laughter through the crowd. the performance was ridiculous and the whole time i kept thinking about the review i was going to write about it to send to perez hilton. she changed outfits and wigs every song, and wasn’t in shape, still had baby fat, sometimes she was singing because she was in the aisle near us and we could hear her real voice, sometimes she was lip synching. and dan was flabbergasted that i was interested to see the performance, and i was like I DONT LIKE HER I JUST WANT TO BE ON PEREZ!!! these 2 gay guys next to dan then started being all, oooh i love perez, that’s so awesome!! haha. i dunno. weird.

in other news, my scanner is smart enough to know when it’s scanning money, and it tells you you’re not allowed to print it hahahah noreasoniwasscanningmoney

And the trees are stripped bare
Of all they wear
What do I care
And Kingdoms rise
And Kingdoms fall
But you go on…

… and on…

yay welcome to october my fav month.

got the bowie tix YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!


APC is playing toronto in april, on a thursday, YAAAAAAAAY!!!!! trying to find out when tix go on sale, and i found this about APCs rules and regulations…

Prohibited Items and Actions
– Smoking of any type
– Cameras, Audio/Video Recorders
– Lasers, Flash Lights, Fireworks or Glow Sticks
– Knives, Glass, Spikes, or Chains over 12″
– Moshing or Crowd Surfing
– Any item or action deemed to challenge public safety



That explains the nazi security at the london show LOL.

and i just want to say. i’m a cancer. i’m allowed to be moody. you look at any horrorscope, and the first thing it’ll say is that cancers are moody


cuz i’m bored, i was reading on my sun sign (cancer) and sun sign compatibilities, and it just makes me laugh. because some of the things are just SO FREAKING TRUE. i’d c&p but i don’t feel like being so transparent.  which is why i’ve resisted posting tons of song lyrics this week haha.

as i told leighanne, i love to go back and read my cryptic secret message posts, cuz i never know what i was talking about HAHAH. esp the ones from spring senior year. it’s like WTF WAS I TALKING ABOUT. i don’t know what i meant, i don’t know what i was feeling. it’s like someone else wrote the post. so i think it’s funny.

but i’m trying not to do the secret message posts right now hah


i think its funny (odd funny, not haha funny) how much the jacksons all look alike despite all the plastic surgery. these pics of janet at the super bowl. she has the same mouth as mj, and we KNOW it’s plastic LOL. same facial expressions, same, eyes, etc. weird.

and from my mom re: janets boob:

It sure is gross. It looks fake. MOM

ROFL my mom is funny sometimes


i’m listening to “still”…the really beautiful but incredibly depressing at times…cd from nin. the last new stuff he released. and i just HAVE to post lyrics, cuz i forget sometimes how much this is my theme song…

She shines
In a world of ugliness
She matters
When everything is meaningless

She doesn’t see her beauty
She tries to get away
It’s just that nothing seems worth saving
I can’t watch her slip away

I wont let you fall apart

She reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by
Hoping someone can see
If I could fix myself I’d –
But it’s too late for me

I wont let you fall apart

We’ll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide
I’ll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side
…but they keep waiting
…and picking…

It’s something I have to do
I was there, too
Before everything else

I was like you

i am really amazed at my current utter contentment. i haven’t really felt this way since october 2001 – the post sept 11th, u2 induced delirium. i keep listening to songs, and no matter what song by what artist, i keep finding lines that feel so applicable for some reason. i’m resisting the urge to post tons of lyrics here haha. we’ll see how that works. the way i felt when nate was around was always laced with anxiety and insecurity over what was to happen with us. this is nothing like that. i get it, but at the same time, i don’t. and i don’t know what to do about the part that i get. but i’m not thinking/worrying about it. because i am enjoying how i feel.

if i wasn’t so tired lol.

i kept zoning out at work, day dreaming, and almost falling over cuz i’m so tired. but work was slow and boring, and when it was getting exciting i got moved hahah. was able to leave an hour early, which was nice. not like i’m going to get to bed any earlier however.

my dresser did not arrive on friday due to the weather, so they are bringing it today. which means they will call me 5 times this morning, like they did yesterday. and they better not do that, and not show up til 7pm like i’m expecting. oh well.

i want to say that i love all the friends i have right now. thank you for making my life wonderful as of late.

jenn comes home tomorrow finally. it’ll be good to see her again, and i need to talk to her about stuff. haha


orgy’s new website is finally up. they have all the lyrics from the new album posted. these are by far their best songs lyrically. and i just HAVE to post this hah

You couldn’t make me
Anymore crazy
Than I could stand to be

So won’t you just sympathize with me
And all the things I do to make you angry with me
What’s wrong with me today
You say, I leave you all alone
Every time you call me
As if you needed reason to fall down
I know this must be hard for you to understand
And all this waiting takes too long for me
Make up your mind

You don’t even know, what’s good for you
You better keep your eyes on me
Maybe you’re oblivious inside
And it’s scary that you don’t know
Your chances fade away
Fade away sometimes
Maybe you’re oblivious inside

No you can’t deny me
And I don’t want to see you go away


i can’t wait to see them live again. apparently bobby rejoined after leaving snake river conspiracy. all the new pictures include him, which is really rad. yay exciting.

went out with nate. started off at wild wings for the big beer, then duffs for some food, then to jt wheatfields. there could not have been any alcohol in my drink there…cran vodka with no vodka 😛 even tho i didn’t see anyone from my high school class, there were NT kids there. wait no i lie, i did see people from my class, just no one i really knew. mr martin, my 6th and 11th grade art teacher was there. which is just…weird. didn’t talk to anyone. yeah…

not going urban exploring tomorrow/today, going a different day. dunno when tho. i might go take pictures somewhere else. i’ve been meaning to take pictures of the grafitti that is at the end of the lasalle expressway, but never bring my camera to work. i need to finish my roll of film, it’s got the horrid wax statues from the falls on it lol. wait til u see them lol.


there is something slightly unsettling and slightly comforting at the same time, to turn the radio on (103.3), just as they were beginning their sept 11th moment of silence at 8:44, and have it followed by u2’s “one”…

damn garbage men at 7, damn mom being noisy as she left at 7:30 and damn recycling truck at 8, damn whatever truck is outside now playing howard stern.

something strange about today being such a beautiful day again, just like last year.


i breifly caught the beginning of this news article and i have to post it. because i think the forced poetry of it is absurd: “Silence fell on ground zero Wednesday morning, precisely a year from the moment when a terrorist-guided jetliner sliced through a crystal blue sky and murdered multitudes.”

i woke up today and decided to be industrious and get alot accomplished today. i did a load of laundry since the only pair of pants i wear were dirty from running through the rain last night. i was going to wash my car but it keeps looking like rain so i might wait til tomorrow. i was going to send resumes to job placement companies. i need to use the film in my camera. and now it’s 11 and i’ve lost all motivation to do any of it.

i think i’m going to fuck with my webhost, and switch accounts to the better cheaper plan if i can. so if things go wrong and sites don’t work, that’d be why. but knowing me, i won’t do it today, so no worries.


ok i tried my hardest not to make a big deal out of today’s date, but my friend carrie (u2 carrie not high school carrie) sent this to me, and it’s really great so i have to post it. it’s a u2 thing…



DATELINE: New York City. Tuesday. 8:45 AM EST
FORECAST: Sunny and mild. 76 degrees. A clear and
cloudless morning.

It was a beautiful day…

the street sounds like a symphony…

in the towers of steel
belief goes on and on …

baby’s got blue skies up ahead …

in the locust wind, comes a rattle and hum …

across the field, you see the sky ripped open …

shards of glass, splinters like rain …

see the face of fear, running scared in the
valley below
bullet the blue sky, bullet the blue …

see the flames, higher and higher …

as the orange sky was screaming …

voices on the cellphone
voices from home
voices of the hard sell
voices down a stairwell
in New York

don’t think, don’t worry
everything’s just fine
just fine, just fine …

In a little while
I’ll be home, love …

can’t see for the smoke …

don’t whisper
don’t talk
don’t run if you can walk …

don’t connect

it takes a second to say goodbye
say goodbye

such a nice day,
to throw your life away …

this bomb-blast lightning waltz
no spoken words, just a scream…

is there a time to run for cover?

streets capsizing
spilling over and down the drain

like a star exploding in the night
falling to the city in broad daylight …

the dust, a smoke screen all around…

don’t hope for too much
don’t breathe…

I can’t believe the news today.
I can’t close my eyes and make it go away.

bodies strewn across a dead end street…

I see the dust cloud disappear without a trace…

the sun so bright it leaves no shadows
only scars carved into stone on the face of earth

sad eyes, crooked crosses
in God’s country…

the crowd is gathered, in black and white
arms entwined, the chosen few
the newspapers say it’s true

and mothers, children, brothers, sisters torn

it was a dirty day
a dirty day.

in cracked streets, trampled underfoot
sidestep, sidewalk
I see you stare into the space…

you stumble out of a hole in the ground…

three o’clock in the morning
it’s quiet and there’s no one around
just the bang and the clatter…

there’s an old church bell
it’s no longer ringing…

the high street never looked so low…

intransigence is all around… military is still
in town

they’re reading names out over the radio
all the folks the rest of us won’t get to know

different names you’re finding hard to spell

night hangs like a prisoner
stretched over black and blue

and today the millions cry

through the rain we see their tears…

see their tears in the rainfall

we’re wounded by fear, injured in doubt

don’t travel by train…
don’t eat …
don’t spill …

don’t fill out any forms
don’t compensate…
don’t cower, don’t crawl…

don’t take it on board…
don’t fall on your sword…

and I can see those fighter planes
I can see those fighter planes.

lookin’ for to save my soul
lookin’ in the places where no flowers grow
lookin’ for to fill that God shaped hole…

lookin’ for the father of my two little girls…

I won’t rest until you’re found.

and this battle’s just begun,
there’s many lost, but tell me who has won?

Jesus, Jesus help me
I’m alone in this world
and a fucked up world it is too

this desparation.

I try to stand up but I can’t find my feet.

don’t know if I can hold on
don’t know if I’m that strong
don’t know if I can wait that long…

who heals the wounds,
who heals the scars?

and if God will send his angels
would everything be alright?

when you look at the world, what it is that you

is it getting better? or do you feel the same?
will it make it easier on you
now you got someone to blame?

then will there be no time of sorrow?
then will there be no time for shame?

is there a time for keeping your distance?
a time to turn your eyes away?
is there a time for keeping your head down?
for getting on with your day?

and though I can’t say why
I know I’ve got to believe…

and I know it aches
how your heart, it breaks
you can only take so much …


though torn in two, we can be one…

because grace makes goodness
out of ugly things.

what you don’t have you don’t need it now
what you don’t know you can feel somehow

this is the moment that we share for always
turn each song into a prayer (always)
now and forever, for always.

in the stillness of the evening
when the sun has had its day
I heard your voice whispering,
come away, come away

in New York.
New York, New York.

I don’t want to see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye.

I will be with you again.


i keep getting the weirdest memory flashbacks today. and they aren’t like the ones i’ve been having about my childhood. earlier i got a flash back to sitting in a restaurant in vegas after i ate the raw pizza at the golden nugget. then i just had one about new orleans…so quick that i don’t know what the flash back was about, just that it was new orleans.

so i ended up not being productive. of course it is only 4:30 so i have tons of time, i can still do the resume thing tonight. but i hate doing stuff after i’d normally be “out of school”…lol. and i hate doing things when my parents are home, or at least my dad, cuz then they ask me what i’m doing. lol.

i did go try to waste film, took a whole 3 pictures, and they’re lame. one is in love canal, which isn’t as fun anymore now that most of the abandoned houses have been torn down (like the mushroom house)…one was the grafitti on lasalle expressway, but i almost got murdered. i pulled over on the side of the highway and walked under the underpass. there were 3 hoodlums on the pedestrian overpass asking me what was wrong with my car, but i couldn’t hear them. so they screamed WHATS WRONG WITH YOUR CAR. and so i turned around and was like IT’S OK! and then the girl yelled something about shooting me cuz she had a 9mm or something. lol. and i wasn’t even in the falls yet really. whatever. it was lame. then i took a picture of my odometer, cuz it was 11111 hahah. that one probably won’t turn out. so i guess now i can bring the camera to lunch on friday like carolyn asked, i still have 11 pictures left.


so in my non-productive day i burned a bunch of cds. copied some for carolyn, and burned almost all my mp3s as files onto cds. my drive is so empty now lol.

adrienne came over for a bit. we had to go buy auto parts for her car (a new antenna), then came back and chilled here before going to dennys. chatted, girl talk, etc. she said i’ve changed this summer. like, she can’t believe that she told me this one thing she did last week, and i was like why? she said she thought i’d freak out if she told me, cuz that’s the impression i gave, but now i’ve changed. lol. i know i’ve blogged about everything changing already, but apparently it’s me that’s changed lol. we were talking at dennys about current stuff, and i was saying how leah is so excited that i met a boy and stuff, how she’s never seen me smile like i am in the pictures etc…and adr was like, yeah you don’t see yourself haha. i don’t know what to think about it all. half of me is happy about all this, but there’s the part of me that almost wishes it wasn’t happening because of what is going to happen later on…but as i keep saying, i’m not thinking about that and i’m just going with things now and enjoying it all. yeah. and i’ve said this before, but i’m saying it again. it’s unbelievable how fast i pick up other people’s mannerisms if i’m with them long enough. i catch myself doing very nate-like things – even if no one else realizes it, i do. and it makes me laugh, cuz i’m like wtf am i doing, this isn’t me lol.

so my mom is still being funny. i got home 5 min ago, come up stairs and she goes “i hate to tell you this but….nate called while you were gone.” i’m like LOL ok is that like a tragedy, i wasn’t home for his call?!?! she makes me laff.

going to geneseo on saturday for the bbq – nate gets to get educated on good music 🙂

found a girl online who has gotten into the buffalo psych center. i’m soooooo jealous!! they found a way in one night, and gah i wanna do it! her pics are so cool. they took video footage too, she said there was some creepy ass stuff going on that they hope they got on film. mtv should tape a fear episode there…and of course, let me be on it 🙂

rolling stone is such a waste of a magazine. i was letting my subscription run out. got the new one today, which is all about 40 pages long. i’m like, this is such a waste of paper, cuz there is CRAP in it. my mom goes, then why do you keep resubscribing? and i’m like I’m NOT i’m waiting for it to expire…she’s like oh well i resubscribed for you for xmas LOL…i haven’t paid for it in years, she keeps resubscribing for me.

but anyway, there were 2 good parts to this magazine. the readers and critics poll where U2 wins just about everything….readers pics: artist of the year, best male performer (Bono…MJ came in 2nd??? lol), best band, best album, #2 and #3 best singles (beautiful day, walk on) #2 and #3 best video (elevation, beautiful day), best tour, best album cover, best rock artist, #2 best welcome comback (MJ was #1?!?!?), best online fan site…critics pics: #3 single (stuck in a moment), #2 artist of the year, best band, best male performer (bono), best tour….and there is this pic of the band i’ve never seen before but i can’t figure out when it’s from. cuz bono’s got short hair…so i originally thought it was a Pop era photo…but he’s got that rosary on that he got from the pope, and his hair isn’t AS short as Pop days…but i think it’s funny that either way, it’s an old photo.

then the other good part was the amazing 4 star review of the live NIN disc…. once again…as if i wasn’t excited enough for it. they gave the EP last year a bad review, so this is good! hehe.

and there was also a big ad for the NIN disc and U2’s rattle and hum on dvd LOL…it’s sad when some of the best parts of a mag are the ads…


as if i couldn’t wait enough for the nin dvd and live cd….then we get the lyrics of “and all that could have been”

trent you are a god

*breeze still carries the sound
maybe i’ll disappear
tracks will fade in the snow
you won’t find me here

ice is starting to form
ending what had begun
i am locked in my head
with what i’ve done
I know you tried to rescue me
didn’t let anyone get in
left with a trace of all that was
and all that could have been

take this
and run far away
far away from me
I am
the two of us
were never meant to be
all these
and promises and left behinds
if only I could see
in my
you meant everything
everything to me
gone fading everything
and all that could have been

take this
and run far away
far as you can see
I am
and happiness and peace of mind
were never meant for me
all these
and promises and left behinds
if only I could see
in my
you meant everything
everything to me*


i got a whole 15 hrs at work this week. i stayed an extra 2 today cuz christa got sick. she didn’t go home however. she sat in the office off the clock for 4 hrs. was afraid to call her dad or something. whatever. so there is this kid gary at work, he’s like 17. he reminds me alot of psycho…i think it’s his eyes, and facial structure. well christa comes up to me in the morning and is like Gary thinks your hot. she said “hot” with THE worst buffalo accent i’ve ever heard LOL. i’m like, whatever. christa is the same girl who told me fat black lesbian sherry wanted me all summer, and that sherry wanted to rape me basically (since i would SO not be willing lol). lol. sherry doesn’t work at our store anymore, i wonder what happened to her. NOT LIKE I CARE! lol just curious.

so after i got home and cleaned up i went to the post office. and this guy held the door for me, whatever. so i’m in line behind him and he goes, nice weather we have today. and i’m like, yeah, it’s sunny. then silence. then he goes, I’m brian. LOL holds out his hand. so i’m like, sara. he’s like nice meeting you. i’m like yeah. so i’m standing there trying to look other directions in hopes he won’t talk to me anymore. he’s like, i noticed you walking up to the building. i’m like, oh. he’s like, yah with your shades on, they’re cool. LOL i’m like, yeah, they’re all scratched i need new ones. i thought i lost these but i found them. he’s like, yeah i wear regular glasses and i lose them all the time and they’re more expensive. and i’m like yeah, these were 10 bucks. so then silence again. and he’s like, nice talking to you. LOL. so he went to do his post office stuff, and went to leave. he held the door for some woman, and then came back in the post office while i was doing my thing. so i’m like wtf he better not be waiting for me or something LOL. so he was looking at something, and i booked out of there as fast as i could. scary.

then i went to budway’s to buy cake mix. i haven’t been in budways in YEARS. it’s so trashy LOL. and then i saw psycho’s mom there. LOL. she’s like *smile* hi sara… i’m like hi, how are you…i didn’t know what else to say to her, not like she liked me when i was with psycho….even if i was the best thing he could ever get. and i’m not being vain and egotistical there, not my fault it’s true.