i’m awesome, just so awesome, no one can handle the awesomeness so i am alone.
i’m over it. really. however i am not over the rest of the depression and issues it triggered.
here is what it comes down to. i don’t want a relationship. issues really prevent that. i want a companion. or companions. what has depressed me the most in the last month is the realization i have every so often that i have no close friends. correction, my close friends, the people who truly understand me, the people who are like me, the people who share my interests – none of them live here.
i’m always reminded of that after seeing the Foos. i’ve known the Foos more than half my life, and they are people i met on the internet, and rarely see. but they “get” me, and we get along without having to spend time together. my other best friends, they’re around they country. the people here that i’m forced to spend time with, none of them get me, i know they think i’m strange for my hobbies and musical taste and other interests. it’s always nice to hear a friend say that another person is strange or weird, when i know that i’m like that other person. so what do they think of me? what do they say about me to others when i walk by? i don’t think there is anyone i hang out with from work that i am completely comfortable, or “myself” around. because they just don’t get me, and they are not the kind of people who ever will. the friends that do live here who get me, like adr2 and bliss and lei and alex, i almost never see.
so there are these people who tell me how awesome i am, like the boy, and this other guy at work who for some reason bought me a very extravagant christmas gift. but the boy doesn’t get me, even if he thinks i’m awesome, and he certainly is not into what i’m into, so he never would really get me. these other people who’ve said it to me have all been married, and wifes usually frown upon husbands having a chick friend.
i just want friends. friends i am comfortable with. friends to travel with. friends to just hang out with, even if it’s sitting and reading a book.
and what am i supposed to do? join a group. please. i’ve never been a joiner, and what kind of group meets on weekday afternoons. go back to college? cuz i have tons in common with a bunch of 18 year olds. put myself up on a dating site when i have no interest in dating? not gonna happen. should i go to all the gallery openings to hang out with artistic people? i don’t like artists, they are pretentious and flighty. should i go to see local bands every week and be the weird old lady hanging around a bunch of 15 year old scene-ster kids? i don’t fit in anywhere.
so here i sit. myself and my cat.
time to take the xmas lights down while it’s almost 50 out.
so many things that i should feel but can’t
really tired of it now
i’m on the verge of being such a cliche
i really wish i was normal
i feel the need to clarify a previous post.
i’m not upset and depressed about not having someone to share my life with. because in thinking about it, i honestly am not looking for “that someone”, and i’m not at this point interested in having “that someone”. i am really uninterested for a number of reasons.
what is upsetting me is the fact that i’m *thinking* that i *should* want that. it upsets me that i have this lump in the back of my head saying “you should be at ____ point in your life, you should be married, you should have a kid” when i know that i don’t HAVE to be at that point now, or ever. i am my own person, and what i do with my life is not ruled by the so called conventions of society – marriage, family, career.
but more so than lately i keep thinking i *should* be at such and such a point, and i should be doing X, when i used to not think about any of that at all. and that’s the problem.
my hair is driving me nuts and i’ve been too lazy to make an appt with nancy so i’m going to risk my head at supercuts tomorrow. and if i wake up with enough time, dye it black before the show. i really want to wear my too short london skirt to the show but with the wicked bruises on my leg…they just look so awful. blah.
i finished reading “ordinary people”, one of the “classics” i got on my bookmooch spree. it ended up being better than i thought it would be. you really get to hate the mom by the end of the book. and it’s a happy and unhappy ending wrapped up in one. i enjoyed it. i’m now reading the pentagon papers. time for some scholarly reading so my brain doesn’t go to mush.
other than that i’ve been feeling pretty crap. no, that’s not really the term. i’ve been thinking of a way to describe it and it’s a cross between ambivalence and unsatisfied. just alot of thinking about life, where i am, what i’ve done, who’s been there….just spurred on by certain dreams, and running head first into the past. and depressed that despite my professions of being happy about being alone at 27 i’m starting to think i’m not happy, and that this isn’t what i want. i hate to say that i “should” be dating/engaged at this age, it sits there in the back of my mind that there is something wrong with where my life has gone. that i should be somewhere other than this. that i should be finishing grad school, or be in some other more “worthwhile” career path.
there is nothing i’m willing to do with my career path because i have no interest in going back to school at this point. and i can’t quit my job because there is nothing else that will pay me what i get now as an entry level employee. the best i could hope for would be $10/hr at a phone bank or something. not interested. the only potential for a new job is wrapped up in a possible restoration related job. which i shouldn’t even get hopes up about since there is so much at stake with that, and absolutely no guarantees, and is a bit in the future if at all.
the alone thing…i don’t meet anyone worth my time. sounds mean but it’s true. i spend my days with degenerate gamblers. not interested. and i have this thing where if i don’t like someone “romantically”, i don’t like them, and spending more time with them is not going to make me suddenly realize i’m in love with them. that is what happened with tommy. i just didn’t like him enough. so then what’s the point. now Boy X at work is actually single, at the decision of the crazy baby mama, so it’s true and for real. and so he mentions hanging out. and i can only see things ending up 2 ways. me being used (most likely), or the above, not liking him enough for it to be worth it. pessimistic me can’t even begin to entertain the thought that things might work out. they just won’t. and because i already know that, what’s the point of trying.
not happy with my photography, and apparently it’s not interesting anyone else either. i’ve gotten no comments on any recent images posted to my deviantart account and i typically get quite a few from the people who “watch me”. but this is the least important of my recent thoughs.
even when i’m not actively thinking of any of this i’ve just felt like i’m in a weird place. music is not helping, i can’t find anything to listen to to satisfy. i tried going the quiet route with the “still” ep, and i tried going the loud angry route…nothing worked.
breeze still carries the sound
maybe i’ll disappear
tracks will fade in the snow
you won’t find me here
ice is starting to form
ending what had begun
i am locked in my head
with what i’ve done
i know you tried to rescue me
didn’t let anyone get in
left with a trace of all that was
and all that could have been
and run far away
far away from me
the two of us
were never meant to be
and promises and left behinds
if only i could see
you meant everything
everything to me
gone fading everything
and all that could have been
and run far away
far as you can see
and happiness and peace of mind
were never meant for me
and promises and left behinds
if only i could see
you meant everything
everything to me
i realized on my way to work that i don’t have a soundtrack for “angry”…tho some people would think that everything i listen to is angry, i don’t feel the same. nin has alot of emotions but in general, it’s not really anger. and neither is most of the rest of stuff i own…i needed something angry and the closest i had was korn. suggest to me angry stuff to have on hand for when it’s needed. 🙂
time for some cryptic
you make me sick. and i’m really quite surprised that you provoked such a violently sick to my stomach reaction. it was really unexpected, but maybe that’s because i don’t express my true feelings about you to anyone. repression is fun! tho it’s possible i didn’t quite know what those feelings were until this very moment. maybe realizing how utterly worthless you are is what gave me the sick feeling. or realizing what a joke you are. or hypocrite. or fake. or shallow. i could go on, but for what reason? it, and you, are really a giant waste of my time. i feel bad for those around you, because i know how things will end up.
i may forgive but i never forget.
(reading this in 2015, apparently I have forgotten, because I have no idea what this is about)
During one of the concerts in Europe I made the decision that come my doctors appointment in August I was going to ask to be weened off my prescriptions. Don’t ask why this revelation came in the middle of a NIN show cuz I don’t really feel like saying. But the decision was made. I think they served me quite well, I didn’t kill myself, I stopped crying all the time. For those who’ve never been depressed and have never been on antidepressants – they’re not happy pills. You don’t wake up with a new personality, and suddenly you’re all happy and bubbly and obnoxious. Or even optimistic. I don’t think my behavior or personality changed at all with the drugs, somehow they just made me not think/obsess about some of the things affecting my depression. I was my same pessimistic cynical self – I just didn’t want to die anymore. And that’s good. And August will be almost 2 years on them, and I’ve decided that it’s time to try to do without, and to end the side effects that go along with the benefits. The major side effect is that I really don’t feel anything at all. No, I take that back. I don’t feel stupid happy, I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel anything about anything, I don’t have alot of interest in things – but it’s a different sort than the lack of interest you have when suffering from depression – I don’t feel affection, in most cases (though not lately) I lack sympathy. The one thing that I can still really feel is irritated and annoyed – absolutely no patience. Which is no different than me off drugs haha. More or less I have a cold black heart (or is it grey? 😉 haha) And that is only slightly different than when i’m not on drugs haha. Maybe on the drugs my heart is black, and off the drugs it’s grey. Ok I’ve worn out that reference now haha. Anyway, it’s very hard to explain, everything is still there but just on mute, taken down a few notches, and I am now at the point where I don’t think I’m experiencing things in the same way, or in the best way, that I was before. And so I’m going to try it. And maybe I go suicidal, and then I’ll take them again forever. Or maybe I don’t, and maybe I’ve adjusted now and can go on for awhile on my own (though actually, I quite doubt that).
That leaves another question though. I actually am on 2 different anti-depressants, the 2nd to treat my headaches. Do I try to stop that one as well? I tried to, tried to ween myself off of them…3 summers ago, in the “james bullshit era”…and was completely off of them for about a month and a half. I couldn’t take it. And not because of headaches – because I don’t think my body ever came out of the withdrawl, maybe I didn’t go long enough, but I felt physically terrible constantly. And I stopped sleeping. I couldn’t fall asleep, when I did I woke up every hour on the hour, and when I did sleep had alot of dreams where I woke myself up from trying to move, or because I thought I was falling out of bed. One thing I did realize is how much more vivid my dreams are when I’m not on the drugs. I had forgotten that, since most people still think I have insanely detailed dreams now. You don’t even know how muted they are in comparison now haha. I started taking them again and have been since, and I stopped feeling run over, and I slept again. So I don’t know what to do there, but one at a time I guess.
Something else today that reminded me of this, is this boy X at work who tells me and everyone else that he loves me. I guess he had told someone else about it, and that person took it upon himself to let me know that boy X really respects me and is a good guy and that I should give boy X a chance. And even in a perfect situation where he didn’t have a kid and wasn’t forcing himself to be with babymomma in order to be a good dad – I just have no interest. I should, boy X is great, but I just don’t. And I think half of that – not all, just half – is because of the way I feel on the drugs. Even once off the drugs I’ll have no interest in relationships but it would be for different reasons.
Ha mentioning pessimism just reminded me of driving with adr2 to watertown on our way to the cancelled NIN show in ottawa and our discussion of a pessmist club after seeing an adopt-a-highway sign sponsored by a local optimists club. hahahah omg it was so funny. had to be there, not gonna explain it. hahah that is all. i should try to sleep now seeing as its six am, but i am not tired thanks to sleeping until 4 the last few days. blah
without getting into too much detail here, what i’m talking about can easily be guessed with the proper attention to details.
why is it that people feel the need to right the wrongs they have done during the christmas season? happened last year, happening again this year. why doesn’t this happen say, mid june, instead of during this arbitrary time of year associated with the birth of christ? why do these “wrongs” happen at all, why can’t you just be a man and own up to your mistakes when they happen, or not let them happen at all to begin with. i always expected more of you than that.
and i’m not going to be some back up friend, asked around when it’s convenient to you, and available for you to be used when you need to clear your conscience. fuck your conscience. if you can’t live with yourself and your behavior – and i can’t understand how you possibly could – it’s not my problem and i just simply don’t care.