wow i had a bad night last night. everything started monday i think. had gone to mcds to eat and talked to christa. she asked if i still had the same boyfriend, so i said well he’s in africa so we had to break up when he left. she said she was sorry, and i got all weird and choked up and had to leave. then the crying in eckerd. yesterday i was doing some writing in hopes of gaining some catharsis and getting shit out of my system. of course the song this layout is based on had to come on too, so that just made me cry even more than i already had been. got over it. then missy was over for dinner. missy is one of those people who you can interrupt mid story and she’ll come right back to it in exactly the same spot when you’re done interrupting. slightly rain-man like, she’ll then repeat the end a few times. so i go down for dinner and she says she heard nate sent me a postcard. she said that was nice of him to send me something. (oddly, someone else mentioned to me that it was nice he wanted me to know where he was…apparently lots of people thought i’d never speak to him again…) then she kept saying how it was nice because most people just leave and cut ties, most people leave and you don’t hear from them ever again. so i’m sitting at the table about to cry, so i’m just like, how about we talk about something else now. went to bed last night at 12:30 or whenever, couldn’t sleep cuz i’m all screwed up from work. ended up staring at the ceiling for a good two hours and thinking entirely too much. cried for a good hour. wtf.

everytime i think i’m actually done with all this i have a really bad episode. everything i think and feel is so condtradictory i don’t know how to interpret what stage i’m in. because i feel over him. like i don’t think about him constantly, i hadn’t been crying every day anymore, my thinking has changed to where i can see myself with other people again…shit like that. i’m actually feeling as tho i’m forgetting him…i see the pictures of us and it’s like i don’t recognize the people in them. and that really scares me. but at the same time, i have all these other feelings about how i still want to be with him, and i want so bad for him to love me.

but i’m not delusional. i don’t have serious hopes that anything i want will ever happen with us. because i know it won’t.

ug need to stop crying.

ug i dont want to go to work. i’m in no emotional position to sit there for 8 hours with nothing to do but think. i’m going to cry and it’s going to be awful. mary’s comment below made me cry too. but like she said, it’s ok. crying now.

i feel sick all the time again. like i can’t eat cuz i just gag. mom keeps making me steak which is the absolute last thing i want to be eating. cut into one piece today, had a giant red vein running through it. almost threw up right there, didn’t eat it. in middle school i almost became a vegetarian when i realized that i was eating veins in meat and chicken etc. it just totally grossed me out. i can usually ignore it unless i see them, like tonight.

i thought i had gained some weight since i eat nothing but ice cream and cereal at work, then come home and have yogurt before going to bed. but no, i lost more. now i really can’t give blood, unlike last week when i just lied and told them i didn’t weigh enough. i still did, but just barely. now…nope. this has got to stop or there will be nothing left of me.

i’m contemplating going to africa. seriously. not anytime soon…maybe later this year. maybe could work it out to go before nate comes home, fly home together or something. gotta see more how things are over there with him and stuff. i probably won’t do it but…we’ll see. my parents are buying a bmw. i said that a while ago, but now it’s for sure, it’s been ordered and everything. i guess april is when they’re going to germany to pick it up and drive it around. it’s a station wagon. yeah. a bmw station wagon. seems to me to defeat the purpose of getting a bmw. but apparently it’s really a turbo wagon, and that it’s fast enough for my dad to take to the track to race. lol a racing station wagon.