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i got a postcard from nate. and it didn’t take no damn 3 months to get here. so that’s fantastic news lol. seems it took about 2 weeks. i guess i don’t have to plan ahead as much anymore with the stuff i need to send him lol. of course once he’s out in a remote desert villiage, it probably will take longer. what to do, what to do.

anyway. ty didn’t end up coming for dinner cuz he was still in canada. so i went out to lunch with him today, then the mall quickly before taking him back to the airport. work was the same, except with way less customers. it was really dead…dunno what that means. i dunno what crowds are like during weekdays normally, but i thought it was a bad sign for it to be the 2nd day and have no crowd…i guess we had gotten some bad news reports about people waiting so long to get paid and stuff, but what does anyone expect. they put the casino together in a month and a half, and opening night on new years, there’s bound to be some kinks. but whatever.

7-3am tonight. yippie fun wow. nothing else to say.

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i’m trying not to be negative today, trying to start out the new year on a good foot, but i’ve been awake a total of about 8 minutes and it’s already been shot to hell. yesterday was horrible in terms of it being a bad mood crying day. all the year in review crap made me feel like shit. went to dinner with my parents, had to keep from crying the whole time. work was a pleasant distraction. even at midnight i didn’t think too much and get upset. a few twinges of sadness, but not enough to cry in front of 1000s of strangers.

maybe i’m not dealing with things as good as i like to think i am.

work was fine. waited in line for the coat check for 45 minutes lol. a few confusions and the pit manager getting snippy with me once, but otherwise it was fine. we had a much better time than the slot attendants appararently. lots of people didn’t have their gaming licenses yet so they were sent home. so that meant not all the pits were open, and for the slots, there weren’t enough people to get payouts done in a reasonable amount of time. rumor has it customers were waiting 3 hours to get payouts on machines. we didn’t have much to do. i was busy for like, a half hour, entering player ratings when my shift started. but once those were done i sat there and waited for someone to bring me something to do. and since 2 pits weren’t open, even tho we had to send some people home, we had extras so nakita was with me all night…even less for us to do haha. she kept trying to make a case for why i should date this one supervisor that was in our pit last night haha. it’s so funny walking places with her, cuz she’s this cute lil black girl and every single black guy we pass hits on her LOL.

so anyway. ty is supposed to come over for dinner tonight, and i guess he’s gonna go to work with me, but i haven’t heard from him yet. i really need to find bigger pants to wear with my uniform, because the ones i have made my stomach hurt so bad last night. had to suck it in all night 😛

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blogged last night, but blogger ate it. so here we go again.

eric, tiffany and amanda ended up coming over last night, adr came over after the sabres game. i feel bad for tiff, she must think we’re such losers. she’s at my house twice and both times we play games – first time, when parents were in cali, eric tiff nate and i played scattergories…this time, trivial pursuit. now i’m just going to quote amanda: “Evening highlights inculded Saras mom having to say part of “Who Let the Dogs Out” – woof woof woof woof woof. And Eric doing a really bad impression of Popeye which only I(amanda) got.” i won this time, in a sudden death round against eric because we were running out of time to go pick up ty.

ty’s flight was delayed til midnight, but i guess late at night they don’t change the tv screens cuz it still said on time 11:30…so we didn’t know if it really had landed or not, so we just sat there and waited. it was delayed, he got there, we took him to his hotel then adr and i went to dennys cuz we were starving. the airport went ok. i didn’t cry, i just felt like throwing up…stupid stuff like not being able to look at where we had been sitting…blahblahblah. definitely would have cried had i been alone. yay for the inability to cry in front of my friends.

so tonight is the big night. hopefully everything goes smoothly…hopefully i can stand 8 hours in my too small pants. i guess i’m going to dinner out with my parents before hand, but must be home by 7 to go to work. i tried sleeping in a whole lot to get used to the staying up so late, i got up at 1 when my dad came in my room to ask me about dinner. of course it wasn’t a good sleep, still the off and on…and a few times i was on the verge of shaking – my latest medical disorder…since nate left i have this new thing where i’ll wake up cuz i’m shaking…but i don’t know if i’m really shaking or it just feels like i am. it’s hard to explain. the first time it happened was the night after nate left. it’s happened a few times since then. last night a few times it just felt like if i didn’t wake myself up i would start shaking and wake up anyway. it’s a very strange feeling. i know, i’m nuts.

i had a wicked cool, but at one point scary, dream last night…somehow i was at some place where u2 was, under some big tent in someones back yard. actually, only bono was there, and lots of employees. i ended up applying for a job with them. for some reason, one of the other employees was coaching me on how to fill it out so that i’d get the job, and for some reason the fact that i know johnny from econoline crush was important, and i should write it on there. then i got to meet bono, cuz he was doing something under this tent. i had to tell him something about his shoes. then at one point he was leaning against something and he had taken his glasses off and he looked like psycho exbf. i was like wtf. he looks so awful he should never take his glasses off. then i was really confused because i had seen pictures in the past of bono without glasses on and he never looked like that. so i guess i was just halucinating.

 

icenine.org presents: sara’s year in review…by sara. (and i started doing this before i saw that amanda did haha)
january:…most of the time was christmas break at home working at mcds. returned to school and a very bad situation.
february:…bad situation got worse. academic probation. housemate moved out. things settled down.
march:…more school. break. met up with ty and heather in toronto.
april:…more school. earthquake.
may:…end of school. graduation. vegas.
june:…new orleans. got a new job at hard rock cafe.
july:…work. met nate.
august:…work. started dating nate. bowie. hedwig.
september:…work slows down. less hours. sept 11th 2002.
october:…parents on vacation. hockey. halloween.
november:…parents on vacation again. preparing for nate’s departure. indiana. quit my job.
december:…nate leaves. start new job. christmas in michigan.

things i learned in 2002:
1. be careful what you say.
2. real friends can overlook past mistakes.
3. what my friends do is not my problem. all i need to do is be there for them when things fall apart.
4. i am not completely dysfunctional.
5. there is no point in emotionally isolating yourself from other people in fear of getting hurt. you’re just cheating yourself of the opposite. and to live life you have to have both.
6. there is nothing, yet so much, to be scared of.

what happens now?
2003 looks to be the most mysterious year yet…the first year that isn’t completely scheduled for me already. every other year i just went to school. not much changes when you’re in school for 16 years. the entier year will depend on what i decide to do now…new job, new life…grad school? open my restaurant? where things stand with nate and i?
i feel like some things are slipping away…i guess i should just let them go. all this shit in my head. i guess we’ll just wait and see, right?

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grrr add another blog to the list of ones i can’t read because they now have a girlfriend which they are sooooooo inlove with and must talk about all the time. anyway…

ok how true is this? senior year in high school one of the popular girls got pregnant. she had the baby in the spring some time, so she got preg in the summer i guess. she claimed that she didn’t know she was pregnant because she continued to get her period. then there was this girl, a friend of julie’s was dating her, who was sorta chubby. she got pregnant, and claims she didn’t know because she never really showed, and continued to get her period. does that actually happen?!?! the 2nd girl was a bit of a manipulative bitch, so we both thought she just lied about it to “catch” the boy who wanted to break up with her…and the 1st girl could have just been trying to save her ass, since she was all popular and stuff. but if that really can happen, that’s really scary. for more than one reason. what if ur preg and don’t know, and go on a drinking binge or something. u’ll have a fetal alcohol syndrome baby…all cuz u didn’t know. weird stuff.

speaking of babies. my cousin is 8 months pregnant, and apparently her son only has one kidney 🙁

to do list for today:
– pay health insurance
– play game
– pick up ty.

oh wow just remembered i had another dream about psycho ex…that’s disturbing. i had one at my grandmas too, that was really scary. wtf. i’ve stopped dreaming of nate and now dream about him…ug. no wait. i had a sorta nate dream. dreamed that he called and my dad didn’t tell me because he thought i was sleeping at 10pm. he left a note for me which i found in the morning, and i was pissed cuz why wouldn’t he just wake me up, and cuz i hadn’t been sleeping. hopefully at 10pm our time, nate is sleeping under his mosquito net 😛

i remembered a funny thing about michigan too. i didn’t experience it, but my aunt told me. she said when she got there, my grandma kept talking about eminem and how she wanted to see 8 mile hahah.

 

i’m trying not to think. cuz if i do i could very easily get myself into a really not good mood right now. for what reason? i’m not sure…no, i know exactly what has triggered this…i just got back from the mall with danielle. she wanted to get out of the house. but now i’m here, and if i think about the things i have been thinking about lately i’ll start crying really hard, and not be able to stop for the rest of the night. and i’ve been doing pretty good lately…well…that’s debateable but whatever. i was at the point where i wasn’t crying while it was light out, and i seemed to have pretty much stopped dreaming about him – especially the really nice dreams. blah.

anyway.

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i left the house today! yaaay!!! took adr out shopping. attempted to buy stuff on my list below, but as you can see, it didn’t go that good. out of my book, darleen wasn’t there to get discount anyway so didn’t buy nate’s gifts…didn’t find black pants (also didn’t look all that hard). got a calendar of vintage photos of NYC for half off.

so i’m pretty sure i saw nate’s sister at the mall. since i never met her, i don’t really know. adr wanted to go in victoria secrets, and we’re in there for a while when i remembered she worked there. i didn’t know if she was working now, or not, or even home, or left for luxembourg yet…but there was this girl there, a bit taller than me, blond hair, blue eyes who i thought might be her. the more i looked at her, and pointed her out to adr, the more i’m pretty damn sure it was her. she had the family facial structure. adr agreed she totally looked like she belonged in nate’s family. they don’t have nametags tho so i didn’t know if it was her, and i looked too much like crap, and it was too busy to go an ask her if her name was emily haha. i didn’t want to go and be like, hi are you emily? i dated your brother. i don’t think she has any idea what i look like…it would have been weird.

i don’t know where my parents are, so i dunno what’s going on for dinner. they were gonna go to the casino tonight, but i think they decided not to. they’re too cheap to spend the 10$ each that goes to charity for 1000$ in play money. but whatever. i feel really sick suddenly. i need to try out my game! make me some rock bands!

 

sometimes i think that if i hear one more thing about love – from people i know, from tv, from songs, whatever – i’m going to scream at the top of my lungs until everyone is deaf. sometimes it really drives me nuts. and if i hear anything else about people missing other people, i’m going to stab them in the eye. because you know what. MY WHATEVERBOYFRIEND IS IN AFRICA! so shut the fuck up. thanks. these are the reasons i feel like isolating myself. not that i want complete sympathy from everyone all the time – because i do NOT at all want that. but some consideration is nice. i really have no interest in hearing about anyone elses relationships right now, and i’m sorry if that’s selfish.

anyway. going to the airport tomorrow to pick up ty, who is coming up on sorta spur of the moment. sorta, because he had the ticket and forgot about it haha. adr is going to go with me. it occured to me that going to the airport is going to be really, really bad for me. adr said she’d go with me if i want her to, which now seems like a fantastic idea, because it’ll keep me from crying (hopefully). i hate crying around people, so i should be ok, even tho just thinking about the last half hour or so at the airport with nate makes me cry.

i should have talked to nate’s sister at the mall. oh well.

i think i’m having a heart attack. so if i disappear, that’s why.

on a happier note, my game is way rad.

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i need to buy a bunch of stuff, but i keep forgetting what. i need to make a list. but i have no money. ok i do, i deposited it all tho, so i don’t have cash. the cash i had i spent yesterday on my dvd and watch. i hate going to the atm, makes me feel like i’m spending too much. i got paid yesterday tho…80 bux minus taxes whatever that equals…i should not be lazy.
the list:
– buy nate’s lil gifts from barnes and nobles
– buy “blood and gold”
– buy rock manager game
– pay health insurance
– pay car insurance once i find out what it is now
– pay ahead on student loans??
– get file cabinet in my room
– buy black pants? pair #137 😛
– um…is that it? i dunno…
– buy dickies donuts at public auction and open soup restaurant.

ed norton is so cute.
robin williams is so funny.

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got to see inside the casino!!! omg it’s so nice. it’s 100 times nicer than the canadian one across the river. i had never been inside the building when it was a convention center, but i hear the before and after comparison is amazing. i think they should have water going down the big cement walls inside tho…esp by the restaurant which is called thunderfalls. but i guess that’s not gonna happen haha. there is a 2nd restaurant/pub called moreys place which is super nice. totally reminded me of the little restaurants that were in the casinos in vegas. then the floor has the bar in the center, which will have a band on top of it every day from 8am-4am or something…all the table games are in the middle in a T shape, and the rest of the floor is slots. there are these rad colored flags above the slots, which are actually color coded so you know how much the machines below are…it looks so nice. exciting!!

tonight is preview day #1 and i work 5:30-10:30. i gotta try my uniform on to make sure it fits. lol. last minute eh? should be interesting. we still don’t really know how things are going to work, of course.

anyway…last night did the gift thing with the gang. we weren’t sure if it was gonna happen cuz no one could find danielle, but i drove by her house on my way home and they had just gotten home. so did the gift thing, got nice stuff, played trivial pursuit, and watched tv. typical night haha.

herb ritts died…he was only 50. he’s one of the people i wanted to be lol. i wonder if he had aids, cuz the article said died of complications from pnemonia…and…that seems kinda weird, if he was only 50 and healthy i don’t think he would have died. but whatever. he was brilliant. :-/

 

i realized no one got the u2 dvd for me for xmas, so i went and bought it. and a watch since i can’t wear the motley crue watch that eric bought me to work haha. now i need a new tv. mine is such crap. all the text on this dvd is barely readable…grr. then i realized no one bought me my comp game either, so i’m gonna have to buy that too. i get paid today! i forgot!! yay. my uniform doesn’t fit. way too tight. can barely sit down. going to have to go early to go to the mall and complain, then to the parking lot to get the shuttle to the casino. so annoying.

i love bono.

 

funfunfun at the casino. there were way too many people everywhere…employees i mean. they didn’t open all the pits, which we didn’t know about, so we were trippled or quadrupled up the whole night. and since we weren’t doing anything, with 4 of us at a terminal we were doing even less haha. and of course there was confusion, and some of the supervisors were like, freaking out. and i’m thinking, chill out duh. this is not a big deal. they take their job way too seriously. i learned, from my management time at mcds, it’s just not worth it to get upset and freak out about things. things could always be worse. just chill….til the next episode haha.

so anyway. i’m off until tuesday. i think i might try to go buy black pants i can wear to work tomorrow, so i don’t have to wear these way too tight ones. probably not haha.

on the way home, there was a car parked at the water intakes…which draws enough attention as it is, being it’s 11:00…but the people inside have the car light on, illuminating….their love…for all people driving by LOL. i really don’t know what was going on in the car, cuz i was passing another car and actually had to pay attention to driving….but from the looks of it, there was no one in the front seat, and 2 people in the backseat, and i could see the back of a guys head…sooo….yeah. they should learn not to turn the inside light on, or they’re sure to get caught. haha. and choose a more secluded spot than the water intakes. and no i do not know this from experience. seriously.

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over and done with for another year. home early today so i can go to work later. now i’m just waiting for the house to warm up so i can take a shower. i feel so dirty.

so a recap i guess. nothing extremely interesting or funny happened this year really…disappointing.

christmas eve headed to detroit…got there about 2:30. i seriously think the drive through canada from here to sarnia is one of the most boring drives ever. it is more boring than the drive to indiana. at least on the way to indiana there was some sort of change of seanery (sp i know) every now and then. even when you get to michigan, it’s the same canadian wasteland until you get closer to where my grandparents live. anyway…
carol and eric were already at the grandparents house when we got there, and almost immediately i left with them to go to walgreens, just like last year. ed and laurice came over for dinner. like i said, nothing all that interesting happened. at dinner grandpa said that when his kids get older he’s going to tell them all about his and grandma’s love life…so then when everyone expressed their disgust and asked for barf bags he was like “what, do you think you happened cuz i was looking at her?” yeah…sick. then later during the gift unwrapping fiasco that is christmas eve at their house, my uncle gave him one of those stress ball things. he said it would be good for him since he had the stroke years ago blah blah blah. grandpa says “i used to get this kind of exercise all the time when i was single.” *insert more puking here*….mom was in a snit cuz carol and ed both bought him some kind of alcohol…grandpa actually didn’t have a fit, he started to get into a mini fit when carol and eric were leaving cuz it had started snowing, and he was telling them how to drive. oh, and i heard the story about my grandma shitting her pants and the flies following her again, just like last year. the other poop stories were left out this time around…

christmas day…spent the morning with the grandparents before going to marianne and gary’s house for dinner. i think this is when my mom showed him all the pictures from wisconsin, california, and me and nate. so he’s looking at the pictures of me and nate and the conversation went something like this.
g-pa: so what’s his name?
mom: nate
g-pa: i had a buddy at work named nathan. *proceeded to keep calling nate, nathan. so i thought it would be harmless to correct him and tell him nate’s name actually was nathaniel*
me: his name is really nathaniel
g-pa: what is it?
me: nathaniel
g-pa: macdaniel? what is it?
me and mom yell: NA-THAN-IEL
g-pa: what? mcdaniels? mcdanthels? i have a hard enough time with seth (he says it “seff”) and now you expect me to learn mcdaniel? i’ll just call him dan.
me and mom yell: NA-THAN-IEL!!!
mom: NATE!! NATE!! THEY CALL HIM NATE!!!
g-pa: i had a buddy at work named nathan. he was a colored but he was still a good guy.
*hand slaps forehead*
since none of the friends i have now have met my grandparents it’s really hard to grasp quite how…frustrating…it is sometimes to deal with them. but it makes for good stories at times…later grandpa decided to tell me the state of americans this day and age. and i might be offended by it, but we’re war mongerers… LOL. yeah cuz that offended me so much….anyway…
off to marianne and gary’s around 3:30, her sons and families came over. got to see my 2 little cousins (2nd cousins i guess)…they’re cute, for kids. lol. i can sorta see how it might be nice to have one or two once your married and settled down…but still…i don’t want to touch them. warren is 3 and a half, and brenna (stupid name) is 15 months i guess. so they were tolerable. spent the whole night in their furnished basement cuz that’s where the bar is. nothing really eventful happens with that family…we forgot to do the annual shot of jager…OOH i do have a story from that night though. so every year my aunt makes this gross german cake that i don’t know how to spell the name of…binenstitch or something. anyway…she was cutting it and my uncle comments something about how we don’t want to know the origin of the knife she was using. of course, i wanted to know, since he is an ex-cop. turns out the knife used to be evidence cuz it was used to stab someone like 50 times LOL. he brought it home to show her one day, and she liked it so much (cuz it was a good knife if it cut through human) and it hasn’t left the house since. i don’t know how long ago this happened, but i thought it was a good story. but i’m weird like that…

today…left grandparents real early, 9 am, to come home for work…so nothing happened. grandpa was still sleeping.

soo…this year was the year of pajamas…got another pair from grandma bringing the total up to 5, and a pair of pj pants from marianne…i guess the plan is to completely dump out my entire 2 drawers of pjs i have now, and just have these. at least winter pjs, i will keep my boxers and stuff that i wear in the summer…carol had this mirror specially made for me…some local artisan kind of deal. it’s nice…it’s a round mirror with these decorations on it and it says “fairest of them all”…it’s nice. but i don’t know what to do with it. i’m not hanging it in my room. when i have a place of my own it’ll be a nice decoration but until then??…it’ll stay in the box i guess. got some clothes from target…yes my grandma actually shopped at target this year (grandpa forbids it, he’s a k-mart man)…so it’s decent clothes that might have to be taken back cuz they won’t fit, not because they’re hideous. umm…that’s basically it. christmas has scaled down since i was a kid. we used to pack the car to go home full of all the toys i got, and i would have to sit on packages. not so much anymore LOL. that is all on my cousins now. the 2 kids got so many gifts…i never got that many gifts when i was a kid.

overall it wasn’t that bad…wasn’t exactly fun and exciting either. the whole being upset about nate thing was under control most of the time. no one really knew much about it except carol, since i cried on the phone the day nate left when she called. so she said something about she was so happy for me about the casino job, but sad for me about nate. yeah almost cried there…i got a few of the “if it was meant to be…” comments…esp from marianne, which led into the whole aunt trudy/uncle kirk spiel and their 5 year long distance relationship…and mom feels the need to tell everyone that i’m really bummed about nate being gone. as if that wasn’t a logical conclusion. i didn’t get asked anything that i didn’t want to talk about tho, so that was good. i got asked about the job alot. and both my parents felt the need to tell everyone i’m going to get a job with immigration…but whatever.

hmm…what else…that’s about it i think. i can shower now, and call adr about tonight, and rest til work. got a massive headache once again. i think i might try to go to a new neurologist soon.

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i got my grade back from the immigration test. they said 6-8 weeks until you would get the grade…or a week, whatever. haha it’s kinda funny. i got a 99. haha. 70 is passing. i’m assuming it’s out of 100. hahaha.

ran errands today…post office – which oddly enough had absolutely no line, a few weeks ago it was out the door…walmart, the traffic to walmart made up for the lack of a line at the post office…and back home. joanne came over to do the xmas thing, and now i wait until training class. i have such an exciting life.

 

well training class was a complete waste. talked about real stuff for about 20 min, spent the other 3 hours doing nothing. no idea what we’re going to do on thursday. i left early tonight, so i won’t get a whole 4$. we got free seneca niagara casino sweatshirts, and got my uniform today. apparently we were supposed to park in the employee parking lot and get shuttled over to the mall today, instead of parking in the ramp, but i was not informed of this and parked in the ramp anyway. they still validated me, so i had no idea…whatever.

came home and did the xmas thing with my parents. but some clothes, 2 more pairs of pajamas…trivial pursuit 20th anniversary or whatever…a little fridge…sheets, and a new quilt that my mom is going to take back because she hates it lol…underwear. haha. a file cabinet…random crap. yeah. now everyone is gonna have to play trivial pursuit with me 🙂 em in utah sent me a xmas gift…i was scared to open it in front of my mom, since last time she sent me something, 2 years ago, it was finger condoms LOL. i thought it was funny as hell but none of my stupid suitemates seemed to find it amusing. but it was safe, it was a grow a boyfriend – like those dinosaurs you’d get in cereal and put in a pop bottle filled with water and they’d grow…gotta do that when i get home.

i guess, the gang is gonna do the gift thing thursday night, unless i hear back from adr that it’s a no go. she’s in charge of calling danielle since i’ll be gone.

i guess that’s it. off to michigan tomorrow morning. be back thursday afternoon sometime so i can go to work. until then, merry christmas.

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went out around town with eric after dinner. hit frisbees, thrift store, walmart and target. i needed to find a clear purse, found a cool makeup bag with silver edging at walmart for 5$. it was that or the mary kate and ashley olson makeup bag thing, which i was so totally against buying cuz they endorse it hah. i’m so petty…went back to eric’s house to watch the 3rd period of the awful sabres game, then headed to dennys with adr and amanda. that was fun..sat there for an hr and a half, shooting the shit and what not. we talked very loudly about sex and STDs haha. good times good times….then went to buffalo wild wings cuz we didn’t want to go home. had to pay a 2$ cover cuz there was a band playing…a dave matthews cover band…who also played u2 and pearl jam (that’s what the sign said lol)…well they sucked. it wasn’t even that they were playing DM covers…but when you can’t tell that a song is “running to stand still” til the middle, when the guy is sorta trying to do bono’s “hooo hooos”, and you have 2 u2 fans sitting at the table, it must be bad. so yeah, they sucked. they only played 1 u2 song…or only 1 that i realized WAS u2 haha…didn’t stay there very long, and headed home.

ended up getting adr and danielle another xmas gift…cheap things, but now i gotta wrap more, blah.

 

boring day. wrote nate his letter, washed my sheets and put them back on the bed, played games the rest of the day. missy came over tonight for the whole xmas thing. she got me new pajamas. she gets me new pajamas every year haha. i’m not sure she realizes it though. all good. i have a wicked bad headache now. it’s sorta been there all day.

i guess tomorrow is a whole lot of nothing, then class, then family xmas. i’m not sure it could feel any less like christmas. michigan is going to suck so hard core. bad enough i’m always miserable, i’ll probably end up crying a whole bunch of times this year. it’s really too bad we didn’t get to skip it cuz of my job, but noooo we just get to come home really early on thurs so i can go to work at 5:30.

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