Category Archives: Personal

men are such wimps when they get sick. nate was completely worn out from the cold he got before he left, that wasn’t even bad…my dad slept the entire day yesterday…i guess it’s the whole women childbirth thing…my mom kept saying when she had the puking disease on sunday the next day she baked cookies and was active all day haha

last night adr and danielle came over to watch the game. lost…what else is new.

today is the dress rehearsal, i gotta be there at 1:30. it’s in the mall still. the “teachers” are trying to get us into the real casino to see it before next weekend when we have the preview dates – but they haven’t been inside yet either. you still have to wear hard hats, so it’s kinda hard to get a tour. tonight…who knows. figure the 4 of us will do something since eric gets home today…that kid at work keeps bugging me to come to his bar, so maybe i’ll suggest that if he asks me again today – make him shut up about it.

blah…something feels off today. something just isn’t right and i don’t know what it is. hopefully everyone and everything is ok…

so i was thinking…about my life…i would really like to have some sort of plan – something i want to go for, and start the process of going for it – but at the same time, i don’t want to have a plan, because a plan makes you too settled… i know that as soon as i make a plan for myself and commit to it, some wonderful opportunity will come up and i won’t be able to take it for one reason or the other. like donald trump will come into the casino, see me, and offer me a job running one of his casinos in atlantic city…:)…but i’ll have to say no because i’m in grad school or something…(i’d drop out haha you can always go back to school)…of course, to make a plan i’d need to know what i want to do.

currently, i’m still hanging on nate…seeing where he stands, seeing where we stand, seeing where things stand when he returns in 2 years. this will go away, i know…but at this moment…i’d do basically anything for him (you know, within reason.. he’d never ask me to kill someone, and i wouldn’t do it anyway :P)…like his plan is to do the PC thing and then do the grad school thing….if he quit the PC and went into the grad school thing now, or when he comes home and does the grad thing…he wants to go to mcgill or columbia, and if he asked me to move with him, i would. i hate, hate, hate that i would do this…but i would. in a second. i would have moved to philly for 3 months if he was doing the training there instead of in africa…i would have moved in with joe, he’d have loved it lol. i hate that i’m acting this way, cuz everyone who knows me knows i’m not like this. i don’t put my eggs in other people’s baskets…

this may be tmi, but…is it bad that a certain pair of underwear makes me upset LOL. i guess it’s a good thing i lost so much weight that they don’t fit anymore. *blush*

i should finish getting ready for casino

 

nate’s mom sent me his address in niger. so i can finally send him stuff. gonna wait on the 1003949 things i have to send in a package to see if mail even works first. i guess i’ll do that tomorrow.

so trial casino…who’d i get paired up with? the stupid supervisor…and most of the time, the one who was told to go to me with questions. they both think i should be a supervisor and are gonna put in good words for me. it was ok…no one (bosses, supervisors) knew what was going on really…some didn’t even know the first thing about certain procedures so we had to tell them what they’re jobs were…and now we need clarification on certain things cuz we were told one way to do it, and the bosses were saying it was a different way…yeah. whatever.

now i’m home, and freezing, and hungry. and bored haha

blah.

last sunday after the xmas gathering, my mom got really sick…puking, all that…none of the rest of us got sick, so it wasn’t food poisoning, just…a virus or whatever. last night, my dad got really sick…puking and all that…i guess i’m next. hopefully not tonight, because i gotta work tomorrow afternoon. needless to say, my dad is home from work today. has complete control of the tv…and i have nothing to do with myself. i’m going to have to break down and use the phone to call people…maybe danielle has nothing to do. not like we have anything to do together…i really don’t want to go to the mall…whatever.

i had the weirdest dreams last night…one about jerry seinfeld and elaine..something about wanting to have a 3 some with me…one about the simpsons nuclear bombing springfield, and lisa was a communist, and maggie was so small you could hold her in the palm of your hand…it was really long, weird stuff…started having a really super one about nate, that we were laying on my bed, and he told me he was going to have to shed a few tears – he’d been keeping them in too long, and what happens to him when he’s in love, and he was going to say he was in love with me…but i was waking up, realized it was a dream, and put a stop to it…something else about racing matchbox cars…having a 102 fever…

i’m reading this book, and it says there is a chinese restaurant in toronto called Phat Ho’s…have to ask carolyn about it. and speaking of toronto, the new frame-by-frame digitally restored version of Metropolis is being released in january…it will be playing in toronto for a week, so i’m going to try to get up there on a monday or something to go see it…just the images from the movie on the restoration site are incredible.

oh yeah. something kind of freaky…a 16 year old girl was murdered in niagara falls – 50 stab wounds apparently. she was found on a pedestrian overpass above robert moses (that i drive to work every day). so needless to say, mom freaked out, and was going on and on about how i need to be careful blahblahblah. they found the 2 kids (classmates) who murdered her, so it’s all good. the freaky thing is…the pedestrian overpass is where i parked my car to take pictures of the grafitti and was harassed and threatened to be shot by kids on the overpass…

i guess my mom decided i’m not destraught enough to be nice to me anymore…she’s back to her normal self of telling me i look awful, my hair sucks, etc…the past 2 days…my hair makes me look like a wigger. thanks mom. love you too.

again, feel awful about nate…it’s like an every other day thing i guess. yesterday i was fine, today..not fine. really miss him. really wish i could see him…

i guess i’m gonna wrap gifts today, even tho 2 haven’t arrived yet. i have nothing else to do.

 

1. added pictures of the snow
2. wrapped gifts, except the 2 i’m still waiting to arrive
3. went to training class…so.much.fun. 😛 so much sitting there being bored…so much purposely not paying attention during “role play” since no one else knows what they’re doing, and end up just confusing everyone…got to sit next to the stone stupid supervisor when we went on the comps…”teacher” made me give her my comp since i don’t need practice…SHE’S SO DUMB!!! SO SO SO DUMB!!!! i am having big issues taking instruction from her. ug.
4. i’m freezing.
5. i’m bored to death.
6. heard from an old friend today…she has been MIA for about a year, since she was last visiting another friend in utah…turns out she was really sick and finally got bad enough that she checked herself into ER…and stayed there for 2.5 months, had open heart surgery and a valve replaced…!!!! she’s all better, and settling down, is in a house and stuff now (she was the nomad girl who’s been a bohemian the past few years…hopping trains and squating in warehouses and stuff)…so good for her.
7. i want to start writing again…but i have this problem where i never have plot, and never gain plot…i set up characters then have nothing to do with them, so it always just turns into a romance novel…i think i had an idea for something to start writing, but i forgot it…i forgot what it even could have been about, which makes me think i dreamed it…it also could have been some sort of autobiographical based story…but i still don’t remember what it was…all my stories end up being semi-autobiographical in some way. at least in character set up, not the actual non-plot lol.
8. freddie prinze jr is so unattractive.

i really really really really like my hair like this…especially when it’s wet. when it’s dry, not as much, but i still like it. maybe i’ll keep it this way for a while, and not fully grow it out like my plan.

anyway…headache…

i keep joking around about how my night shifts are going to prevent me from trying to start a life…can’t really go out and meet people when you get out at 2, 3 or 4 AM…or on mon and tues nights…someone said that i’ll meet alot of people at the casino…yeah alot of people with gambling problems! anyone who would be a frequent enough customer that *I* would know who they are, must have a gambling problem. i don’t really deal with customers there…

it reminds me of how when my parents first met nate they adored him, they figured there must be something wrong with him so they kept trying to figure out what his fault was…the one day nate came to pick me up, and we were going to canada to the casino, so my dad was like AH HA! he’s a gambler!! THAT’S what’s wrong with him! lol. not quite. but it was funny.

 

vh1 has a new documentary series called “i love the 80s”…last night they had on the wacky wall walker, which i totally forgot about til i saw it. i used to love it…that prompted me to go on an 80s toy searching spree. there are some fab sites out there with pics of 80s toys i forgot about long ago…

i tried describing these action figures stacey and i used to have. they were girls, with jems in their stomachs, wearing slutty battle gear. carolyn said it was she-ra so we found she-ra sites…i did have she-ra but that wasn’t what i was thinking of. well I FOUND THEM! they’re called golden girls…..they’re so great. i want some. omg i so want them LOL i’m such a dork. they have bunches on ebay from 10-20$. this is so fantastic.

 

tonight was more of the same…leading group review…answering everyone elses questions…being bored to death. the kid in my class wanted me to come to the bar he works at for drinks tonight… i was like um. we’ll see. he was like, you’re not gonna come and i’ll be all disappointed. i’m like, yeah i probably won’t come, but we’ll see. haha. i put in a request to be changed to day shift once people start quitting and everything. that or promote me haha. jk.

sooo…yeah. nothing else to say.

i am so bored. the more bored i am the more i think about nate and the more that makes me sad. i was ok when i woke up..had a bunch of dreams about him last night, some weird, some normal…i had an insanely bad headache that woke me up at 7 this morning. it was really unbareable. i had to get up and take some drugs, and try to sleep it off – thankfully it worked. cuz i wouldn’t have been able to function if it hadn’t gone away. but i need something to do. i hate that this is going to continue since i’m going to be working nights…i’ll have my days full of nothing to do with myself, with no one around (if i even had any friends – they seriously will all be gone after the xmas breaks). i keep joking that it doesn’t matter if i have night shifts, i have no friends to hang out with at night anyway. it’d suck if they were here, cuz i’d never see them. or if nate was here…i’d get to see him 2 nights a week, since assuming he’d have a normal job, he’d be working days. if he was still here something would have to be done with my work schedule…anyway…

i downloaded the game Risk and i can’t win to save my life. i get screwed right from the start and can’t recover. stupid game.

 

i’m a bit…confused and slightly irritated.

the people i’m going to have to work with are…less than bright. maybe they’re just normal, but i’m kinda doubting there intelligence is at an average level. mainly because our job is SO easy, and people still don’t get it.

to top it off…apparently some of us were hired from the get go to be supervisors. there are 2 women in my training class, who have no experience with the rest of us, but are going to be supervisors when we open. ok fine. the one woman, i found out today, used to work at wilson farms…maybe she was a manager, but SO WAS I!!!!!….she claimed to be good at computers, so last week she was using the computer that was being projected onto the screen…AND HAD NO CLUE WHAT SHE WAS DOING! didn’t know where keys were, didn’t know what keys to press. today, she still isn’t clear on some procedures we have to do…and she’s going to be supervising me?…the 2nd lady. she is stone dumb. she asks questions about things we’ve been covering every day since we started…she still doesn’t get that all we do is TYPE! DATA. ENTRY! we don’t touch money, we don’t fill out forms, all we do is type in the info on the forms that are given to us by the floor supervisor. that’s it. and i guess she FINALLY realized this today. but then she didn’t know where we get the info to type onto the computer from…i felt like turning around and smacking her. really. there is something wrong with her that she can’t grasp this stuff. IT’S BEYOND EASY! and she’s going to be a supervisor…

and then, get this…first of all i was singled out today to lead group review kind of things with the “teachers”…great, they realize i’m more than capable of doing this job….but then, there was a 3rd “teacher” in with us today. the teachers are just the people who are going to be supervisors who already know this stuff cuz they worked in casinos before…this 3rd teacher worked some place else, but just got hired now so she hasn’t gone through any of the training. she’ll be working swing shifts, with me…and so our teacher tells this new supervisor to come to ME with any questions and problems, and for ME to teach her stuff. AND SHE’S GOING TO BE A SUPERVISOR AND I’M NOT! WHAT THE HELL!!!! how does that work?! they can plainly see i’m capable of doing the job, and capable of being a supervisor if i’m supposed to be teaching her….

all i know is i better get promoted real soon…i’ll give it the 90 day probation period until i ask to be promoted. there is no reason why i shouldn’t be first in line to move up…that’s all i gotta say.

well last night’s post was lost cuz blogger was messed up. so first, a recap…

my parents have no faith in my ability to sometimes get where i’m supposed to be without getting lost. they thought i had better scope out the federal building where the INS test was being conducted, so that i don’t get lost. dad made me go down town with him, past the building – which if they had just told me where it was, i would have found it just fine…cuz i haven’t been by there 2983497 times. so from there, we stopped at a few stores to find my mom an xmas gift. i had to fight not to cry the entire time i was out with my dad. it was awful.

at night, we went to paul’s for the xmas thing with missy. again, had to fight not to cry the entire time. mom was like, oh here’s some pics of sara and her boyfriend who’s in africa now. which of course led to the 20 questions about nate, and africa, and us…i was asked if we were still together, or if we called it all off. i said it was off, and i think that was the first time my parents knew that we’re not staying together through this. not like i went and told them, “me and nate broke up since he’ll be gone for 2 years.” that led mom to saying how much she hopes we’ll get back together when he comes home but how we’ll be 2 different people by then…and once again, mom brought up how if we had wanted to get married before he left, she would have given us a big party. so that sucked. thankfully the subject didn’t stay there for too long. i was on the verge of asking for a subject change though.

after that, i spent the night sitting here. ended up going through old 3, 4, 5th grade projects, my 6th grade language arts journal, and a notebook me and my exbestfriend kept in high school. we had 2, she has the 10th grade one, i have the 9th grade one. in the journal i said something about my aunt visiting because she “had to get a d&c, god knows what that is” ROFL. i have no memory of writing that, or knowing she was getting it done…i didn’t even know what that was until last year, carolyn told me haha. but yeah. i wonder what my teacher thought. and for anyone reading this, my aunt had cancer, not an abortion LOL. leah scanned 3 pics of me and nate from geneseo…not gonna post them tho, i look like crap and he looks weird cuz he has a hat on. it’s really weird, it’s as if it’s not him.

it snowed about 4 inches last night. it’s the light, but heavy wet kind of snow that sticks to everything. so all the trees are completely covered and weighed down by the snow. it’s so beautiful. i wish i was eloquent and could explain how everything looks, but i can’t. i think i’m going to go photographing if the digicam has batteries.

i can’t sleep anymore. the past week has been awful. i don’t fall asleep til around 3, up at 7 with my parents, and then i spend the next 4 hours trying to go back to sleep and only succeeding for minutes at a time. this morning i had to get up early for the INS test, but of course i was up even earlier cuz i was serenaded by snowblowers. once i start my job for real, and i’m working nights, i might have to invest in sleeping pills to get myself on track. nate said they work really good.

anyway…INS test…it was a test. logical reasoning stuff. not difficult really. apparently my dad is away on business the next few days…good to know, thanks for telling me. i hope my mom doesn’t feel the need to bond with me or anything while i’m away…and like bring up subjects i don’t want to talk about. finally got my mom a gift so i’m done with the xmas shopping. i ended up spending about 30$ on everyone…except my parents LOL

 

i went looking through more elementary school projects trying to find the simple machines one. it appears that it’s the only one i don’t have…also the weather project, but i think i threw that out. it was the last project we did in 5th grade, most people never got it back. i went in on my own to see what my grade was. but anyway… i found a few things i want to share. i wrote stories all the time, on my own time, when i was a kid. one of these is my own, one was a school project. i was a strange kid.

1.My New Holiday
My new holiday is called Elvis day because Elvis was the king of rock n roll. Elvis day is celebrated July 16th to honor Elvis Presley. Everybody loves Elvis’s music. You want to know how it is celebrated, you have balloons that say Elvis! Elvis, you hang up banners that say Happy Birthday to Elvis. You through confttie, you have pictures of Elvis hung all over, and this is what you have been waiting for, someone that looks like Elvis, someone that plays music like Elvis but is not Elvis. If you do not like Elvis you are weird. To sign up for an Elvis fan club call *my phone number*. You can not call between 9:00AM and 3:30PM. Why? Because I am at school.

2.The Great Story
Once apon a time there was a little girl named Jenny. She made a story and tryed to publish it. It was a very good story, and I do not know why it did not get published. She was going to give it to her friend Andrea for Valentine’s Day. The story was about her and Andrea going to the park one summer day. She talked about what they did and they had fun. They went on the swings and went on the water slide. Then they went to Andreas house and had dinner. They had Macroni and cheese with straberry milk. Then Jenny asked if Andrea could sleepover. The next day they went to the plaza and went to hills. They bought the same pair of roller skates. They were 15$ a piece. When they got home they roller skated around the block 2 times. It was so cold Andrea got sick. Finally the book got published and she gave the first copy to Andrea. Andrea liked the book. The doctor said that she would not get well. She would die in a few days. Jenny said that they would always be best friends. Jenny said that if Andrea died she would die with her and if Jenny did not die with her nothing would be the same. Jenny I know that you would find another best friend.

WTF WAS THAT?!?! This had to be around 4th grade…and i was writing about best friends dying?!?!? and how they’d die without eachother?!?!?!? i don’t even know what to say about Elvis…

my mom constantly contradicts herself…years went by without my mom saying anything about my mental state…like…recently she has said she thinks i’m depressed (and i mean past year, not past few weeks) and that I should see someone about it…so i told her shes about 8 years too late with that, that i consider myself to have been depressed most of my life…so she’ll say i was a happy child, and they let me do whatever i wanted blah blah blah. well today, looking through old stuff, i found something that said “I am happy when _______” and i wrote “when it rains because i can play in my basement”…to which my mom replies how i was such a weird kid and she always knew something was “wrong with me”…that i never had friends, and never called people to play with, that i was always a loner…how i was so weird to be a kid that liked when it rained. then reading my 2nd grade journal, every entry was about calling my friend over to play after school, having hot chocolate parties with my friends (?!?! mom doesn’t remember this either haha), etc…so then mom says i just didn’t ever keep friends…that i never made friends for very long, i hopped around from friend to friend, and i was always standoffish and stuff…so to all of this, i said, well you should have gotten me help back when i was 7. she said that if i ever freak out and go looney to a psychiatrist she can take all this elementary school stuff to show them that i was a happy kid and had a good childhood…

i have to go scan some stuff…digicam battery is charging. probably won’t be able to get any pictures, i’m sure it won’t be as pretty tomorrow.

 

ended up scanning my photographs of forest lawn cemetery and buffalo central terminal, from the day i kidnapped nate. they are up on my photography site…i’m on a quest now to find my father’s pictures of the terminal…from the 80s i believe, when it was still open. there are some amazing pics on the terminal’s official site…so jealous. i want to get in so bad. dad has no clue where his pictures are, i looked through the photo albums by the futon in the basement but no luck there…there are so many other pics on the other side of the basement, it’s going to be a chore to say the least…and knowing him, they’re probably on slides, and then that’s another bunch of boxes to have to look through. ug.

training again tonight. i start getting paid on wednesday. have training until thursday, then saturday afternoon is a dress rehearsal for 4 hours at the mall. i have to call the manager tomorrow to see if i have to work the 26th or not.

i took a bunch of pics outside tonight, but i can’t get them off the camera. dad doesn’t have it set up yet on his comp. i looked at them on the lcd tho…since it’s point and shoot, you can’t really do nite time no flash pics,…which is what i wanted. i tried to cover the flash, but it would just come out as black. i got a few good ones with the flash though. eventually they’ll be up. i love snow. people in warm climates really don’t know what they’re missing. it was so beautiful out tonight. i walked around the block, it wasn’t that cold, no wind…so the snow was just lightly falling, and it’s all sparkly and pretty. gorgeous.

something about the rainbow mall gives me such a headache. i can barely see straight, and my head is killing me again. blah.

i don’t want to spend today crying but that’s where i feel like i’m headed. i wish i could stop dreaming, because then i always wake up. i should get out of the house but i have no where to go. i should call danielle but i probably won’t. 6:30 have to go for early xmas exchange with parents and aunt darleen and kids…at least that’s something for me to do. i don’t think the kids know much if anything about nate, so hopefully they won’t bring him up. i don’t want to cry in a large group of people. i think if i see danielle today i’ll cry. so maybe that’s not a good idea…i have the INS exam tomorrow morning, i keep forgetting about it. i have to figure out how to get to the federal building…i would really like to isolate myself from everyone. which i know, is the worst thing i could do.

got the job. days off are mondays and tuesdays. working nights tho which is crap…shifts start at 6, 7 or 8 pm…suuuuuuck. arg. i mean i have no life as it is…but if i wanted to have one, i can’t…arg.

so i’m applying to grad school at UB and probably NU…and if i don’t get accepted, well then i’m screwed. no school for me. not looking forward to writing these crap essays… the UB one is about career goals, why i want to do the program, experience with adolescents, experience counseling, and other skills they should consider…i could PROBABLY bullshit that one good enough. the NU one asks about my theory on education, which i have no idea what that even should be about. and they ask about my professional goats…yes goats. haha i filled out all of the UB application already, and just requested info from NU. blah. i think if i do this i won’t be able to work. i’ll want to do it full time and get it done with. i wonder if i’d be able to get back on parents health insurance if i wasn’t working cuz of school…blaaaaaaaaah.

ok i was gonna go shopping today. i should go do that. it’s gonna be hell.

 

I
HATE
christmas
shopping.

holy jesus was the mall packed. i went in um… 3 stores. complete waste of time. got adr something else but i don’t like it. oh well. that buffalo boxer guy…baby joe mesi (is that is name?) was at the mall…i didn’t bother to meet him/get autograph. i couldn’t think of anyone who pays attention to boxing that would be impressed to have that as a gift…not like he won’t be there every other weekend the rest of this month haha. sabres are gonna be at the sports card store place tomorrow…rob ray, jp dumont and i think eric boulton. i should tell danielle. she can go meet jp and he can fall in love with her etc etc etc.

i feel like wrapping gifts already…but at the same time, i don’t want to do it. oh well.

stupid dreams. i woke up from my mom making tons of noise as always, and i realized i hadn’t dreamed about nate. first night since he left that i haven’t. went back to sleep, dreamed about nate. of course. it was weird. i called his house to see if he wanted to hang out. his dad answered, so i asked for nate and he told me to hold on. then he said he got the message i left yesterday thanking them for letting me know nate got to africa ok. then i was like…wait…nate’s in africa. why did i call his house? and why did his dad say he was there? so i was like, wait a second, i feel stupid, nate’s in africa. his dad is like yeah, that’s why i’m wondering why you’re calling for him. lol. i felt dumb.

had a dream i was playing with korn. i was at sound check with them, and for some reason i had to fill in for fieldy so i was on stage playing bass with the band. then i had to fill in for jon and sing. so i sang “here to stay”.

my dad asked me if i had any important email from the last week. i said no, mostly junk, and a bunch from people who thought i killed myself haha.

 

blah. got carolyns 2nd gift, got dad’s gift…still nothing for mom. still need something else for adr. still need something for danielle cuz i’m incredibly unhappy with what i bought this summer for her. but then the things i thought to get her are too expensive. got something else for eric too, but it was only a dollar haha. i saw these 2 things i want to get for nate once i have an address for him. barnes and nobles has these little kit things…i’m not really sure what to call them, there are all different kinds. one is like, handbook for love letters, and there’s one about chinese food…aromatherapy ones…well they have this one, it’s a little triangle and it’s a grass growing kit. so you can grow this little triangular patch of grass to improve your living space and be all zen and stuff. i figure, he can try to grow some grass in the desert. the other is a sushi kit. it has these little sushi utensils and i guess it’s to practice rolling perfect sushi roles or something. haha i think it’d be funny. so that’s my plan, after xmas, go buy those. i’m gonna have so much shit to send him by the time i actually have a working address.

*edit* ok, yay for half.com got adr and danielle gifts…still think i need something else for adr. and danielle better not get a duplicate of my gift cuz you can’t return mine haha. now all that’s left is my mom…blah.