Author Archives: Elegant

holy jesus i hate mailing things. everything should be done electronically. we should all have “beam me up scotty” machines in our houses, so things can just materialize places.

so wrote nate a letter finally, last night before i went to bed. then kept remembering more stuff to say, so kept getting up to put PSs on it. got the package together – the sushi kit, the grass kit, caligraphy book, cross word puzzles, random ads and articles cut out of magazines, superbowl article, and lots of candy. and photographs. and the valentines day card.

took it and another package to the post office. i asked the guy what the difference was between registered, certified and insurance…he didn’t do a good job explaining them to me. but whatever. so i got prices and stuff. airmail to niger would have been (at cheapest) 25$. 7$ more to certify/register/whatever. ok yeah the stuff i’m sending him this time is worth about 10 bux lol. sooo i went with the 4-6 weeks shipping method, and it was 12$, no insurance or any of that this time. i’ll save my money and insure the cd player, and even airmail (maybe). so then, package to toronto…7 freaking dollars. why does sending mail to canada cost me 7 dollars?! and it’s airmail. you know DAMN well they’re not flying my package to toronto. i should have just taken 3 hours of my day to freaking drive it there myself. ug. so now i’m broke. i just went to the bank too, thank god.

so at the postoffice i’m asking him about the prices and insurance and all that crap and this woman next to me speaks up. turns out she’s my old french teacher, and down the street neighbor. she goes “where you sending it to? nigeria?!” haha so i go “actually, niger” lol. she’s like, “wow i was just kidding” lol. so then she asked me why i was sending it, and so i told her exbf in peace corps blahblahblah. she’s like “he picked africa over you?!” LOL so i go “well he picked africa before he met me, if he hadn’t, of course he’d have picked me” hahah. weird thing was, when i turned to look at her, i thought it was nate’s mom LOL. this is the 3rd person i thought was nate’s mom. the woman at the library reminds me of her, and this woman who deals roulette at work reminds me of her. and now apparently, my neighbor as well. but then i was like, why would she be at a post office off the island? and then i realized it was my neighbor. and i realized i have no idea what nate’s mom’s name is…maybe she told my mom on the phone the other day.

and i just bought this. reefer madness, cocaine fiends, and sex madness all on dvd. i only knew about reefer madness. can’t wait to see the other 2. cocaine fiends sounds like the same plot of reefer madness, but just on dope lol. and sex madness…gah it’s gonna be great.

there’s nothing wrong with me. isn’t that super? i guess my heart just hurts, and doesn’t beat right, and i lost 20 pounds for no reason. i guess my body will just naturally maintain itself at 110 and if i go over that, i’ll just lose the weight again. no sorry, she told me i must be sick, or whatever, because i work nights. some study came out saying people who work nights are more suseptible to illness because they don’t sleep right. i’m so frustrated because once again this just reaffirms that i don’t go to the doctor because they don’t fix what’s wrong with me. i’m supposed to try to get proper sleep. i feel like i’m in fight club. *chews valerian root*

she did give me the name of a new neurologist, cuz i asked, and she agreed that my current one has a bad attitude. so i guess i’m gonna make an appt with the new one, hopefully get on some new drugs or get a brain scan to proove/disproove my theory that i have an aneurism.

so now why am i crying again?

how do you spell proove? prove? no. it must be proove. that looks so wrong.

had a very bad day. trying desperately not to throw away everything i have left in my life. if i go off on you, ignore me.

it really, really disturbs me that a certain person i know peripherly has had sex. like…i am so completely disturbed. mainly because she’s one of the most hideous people on the planet. more hideous than the 2 let’s-plan-to-have-our-babies-at-the-same-time-white-trash-girls from high school who we saw at canal fest. i know there is someone out there for everyone, and that the people fucking these…waste-oids…are people i wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole…but still. *shudder*

why aren’t boys lined up to date me now that i’m single? 😛 it’s like, once again, there are 2 categories of people. the white trash people mentioned above, and the ultra-super-hot-never in a million years in my league people. where are the middle-of-the-road people? i’ve basically wondered this my whole life. i’m not trying to be a snob or egotistical here, but…really. i’m not ugly. from what i’ve been told recently, i’m a “really hot girl” with a “really great personality”…i don’t get it. neither did nate. aside from nate i can only attract white trash, unintelligent…idiots…with no future. great.

my parents taped the superbowl so they could later fast foward through it to see the commercials.

work seemed dead, it seemed like i didn’t have much to do, but at the end i had so many rating cards i had entered they barely fit in the box. weird. they had a superbowl party, so once the game ended more people came down to gamble.

i have to go down there today to talk to the day time casino shift manager about getting into dealer school. apparently it starts…today. i don’t know really. one person said today, one said wednesday. either way i probably won’t get into it this time. and someone said it was for outside applicants only, not in house. someone said it was only for craps dealing. no one really knows for sure. but i figure i’ll go down, find out what i need to do as an in house applicant, and hope to get into the next school. i really don’t care what i deal, although i could deal black jack now, and i know nothing about craps. i had one of my sups ask the IT guy if they were hiring last night, cuz i’d be on break when the IT guy showed up, and she said IT isn’t hiring. but i figure i’ll still contact them and tell them to hire me. even tho i want to deal, IT dept would be better in the long run cuz i could still work and go to school as long as i could be doing my homework in the IT office.

speaking of school, some guy from UB called today to tell me they only had 1 letter of ref in my file, and they can’t process my app until they have at least 2. i’m like, yeah they should all be on their way. i know it was sorta short notice that i told my proffs i needed letters, but it was still more than 3 weeks. one was sent out last week, and i had email that one was sent out today. that’s cutting it a bit close. but whatever. they’re all on break, what else do they have to do that it took them so long to get them done. not that i’m ungrateful or anything…yes all professors do is go to class. they have no lives and no families that take up their time. it’s all school. haha

i spent more time driving to work, taking the shuttle to the casino, and going back to the lot than i did actually talking to the guy i went to see. i think i spent less than 2 min in his office. can’t transfer departments for 6 months. so next class in april, i could get into, and by the time class is over, it’ll be june and i can transfer. ug. not sure i can take this for 5 more months.

went to the mall afterwards to take back thing for my mom, sought out the comforts of target, and went home. there are all kinds of rereleases of toys from my childhood…like fashion polly, strawberry shortcake, care bears…what’s next? popples?

i think i was supposed to write to nate today. i mean, on my list of things to do, that was one of them. i decided to wait til after the superbowl so i could talk about it. not like i know anything about it. i printed out article from buffalo news for him. but now i’m procrastinating writing to him. still hoping i’ll hear from him soon. fuck it.

doctor tomorrow.

1. just talked to nate’s mom. i want to cry. i’m not sure why but i just do. they haven’t talked to him, like talk talk, no phone at all. she said they’ve gotten a couple letters from him, and it seems things are so far so good. now she thinks he’s off being assigned to even more remote of a place. they sent him a few boxes of stuff, but doesn’t know if he got them or not. i want to hear from him so badly. i am so tired of crying.

2. i am such a retard on the phone. actually, just now i was ok. but i told carolyn about the retarded message i left for nate’s parents, then adr called yesterday to talk and it’s just so ackward. the moments of silence are 100 times worse than moments of silence in person. ug. i hate it. i don’t know what to say, i don’t know how to respond on the phone. how did i used to spend hours at a time on the phone?

3. i had amy and sarah read my grad essay and they said the beginning is choppy, so i gotta look that over and submit it today. i don’t know if i should number my answers, since it was 4 numbered questions to answer…or do it in a real essay form with intro and conclusion. i don’t think i can possibly write an intro and conclusion for it. so forget it. whatever.

4. i need to write nate a letter. god i wish i knew if he got my first 2 things, i just want to hear from him. what is wrong with him that he can’t take 2 min to scribble me a quick letter!!! grrrrrr a long long time ago i got mad at a penpal i had because she’d write to me once a year…i couldn’t understand how she could have been so busy that she couldn’t take 5 minutes to write me something. same thing with some people now and email. you can’t tell me you don’t have an extra 5-10 minutes to drop a quick note to say hi. well that went off in an unexpected direction…

had a rough few days. my days off are always bad it seems. monday night when i went to bed was the worst. not getting into it. i’m hoping it’s mostly hormonal and that it goes away. if it’s not, than i got some shit to think about.

wednesday i had my echocardiogram. i didn’t get to watch it, which is a shame. i only got to see one thing quickly when i had to lay on my back. i think it was one of my valves…maybe the one that exits the heart. it was really cool so i wish i had gotten to see the rest. the lady doing the test said not to expect any bad news. so i have to go on…um…i dunno what day next week back to the reg doctor to get the results from the blood test and the heart test. the pain sorta keeps coming back so…they need to do something. i know they’re gonna be like, oh nothing is wrong, we don’t know why you lost 20 pounds and we don’t know why your heart hurts. which is exactly why i hate doctors, they’ve never ever fixed anything that has been wrong with me.

i might have another web project to do. unpaid to start. i don’t really know. my dad said something about guys at work starting a business and the one guy doesn’t like the aestethics of the page the other guy is making. so i gotta put together a portfolio of sorts to show what i’ve done, and maybe they’ll “hire” me. who knows. i guess the last project i thought i was doing i’m not since i never heard anything back about it. whatever. i don’t care.

i wrote my grad school essay. i think i finally have enough written thanks to cyndi’s help yesterday. now i gotta have some people read it and see if it’s enough and if it sounds un-retarded. but no one is ever around when i am. oh well. maybe i’ll just submit it as is.

finally called nate’s house too. i left a really retarded message because i get nervous calling there. forgot to give them my phone number so hopefully they kept it, or at least my name and address so they can look it up in the phone book. whatever.

i swear the casino has aged me 10 years. all the smoke. i get wrinkles under my eyes by the end of the night. i want to look old enough so people don’t think i’m a teenager, but i don’t want to have wrinkles. i used to get smile lines really bad with nate. especially if we were drinking. it’s like the alcohol made my skin lose elasticity, because i’d look in the mirror and have tons of wrinkles around my mouth. it was annoying.

my mom has a strange compulsion to hammer things at 7am. she did it again. 7:30, pounding brazil nuts. i told her to seek professional help.

we went to junction for lunch. exciting. i’m not driving out to get my uniform pants today because i’m sure they’re not the right size still. i have the guys cell phone number so i could call and ask, but that’s just really weird. they don’t have a phone at the mall to call directly. he’ll be like, uh how do you have my phone number? lol.

i bid on a portable cd player to send to nate on ebay. 7 hrs left, 9.99 for a 75$ cd player…which now seems kinda odd. but…oh well. it’s PANASONIC SL-SX289V. cd, am/fm tuner, anti skip, cdr/cdrw…auction says it is 100% functional except the headphones might not work. no big deal. i have 0982086 pairs of headphones. they break all the time. haha. even if it’s 10 bucks shipping it’s cheaper than anything i can find on sale around here that has cdr capabilities. hopefully it works and everything. suddenly i’ve become real skeptical about buying things on ebay. i don’t know why. i’ve never been burned. one thing was lost in the mail (or never sent) and i got my money back. another thing the guy never got my check, and it was never cashed, so i didn’t lose out on any money. he did say he’d still send the thing to me (nin closure vhs) but didn’t. but that’s ok. lol. i signed up for paypal cuz this auction only took paypal. so now i want to go buy a bunch of stuff with it. cuz i can afford it. *update* i hate ebay…was overbid, now bid more than i want to pay just cuz i wanted to push the price up for the other person lol. 2 hrs left.

who wants to go to vegas with me? maybe in the fall? no wait, i might be in school then…hmm…i dunno. nevermind.

lost the auction. didn’t want to spend more than 21$ cuz i didn’t know what shipping was. did nothing tonight. continued to read more irc logs. i found this.

Mystify: HAHA you know what he wished for me in the wishing game?? For me to be a paraplegic by the time I’m 21

now i don’t remember what the wishing game was, but that was about psycho. i don’t remember being told he wished that of me, and i don’t know why i’d know that since the log was from a year after we broke up…but he was still stalking me at this point. well too bad for him, i’m not a parapalegic.

now i MUST must must start/write my grad school essay tomorrow. and get my uniform unless i go early wednesday (i might), have nachos. now i need something to eat.

work was long and boring again. i hate my job. everyone was in a bad mood yesterday. got invited to the next after work party though…whenever that is, they don’t know yet. i got real depressed for about an hour or so, when i had nothing to do, about how discontent i am about my life. had to keep from crying, it was bad. i got some stuff to do and did it reeeeeaaal slow so i could stretch it for as long as possible. going slow and talking to sups for a half hour or so i stretched it into 2 hours. wow. 😛 did i mention they’re probably phasing my position out? they’re getting these computers installed on every 2nd table so that the floor supervisors can enter player ratings right on the computers. so that means all i’d be doing is getting paid to sit there and get fill requests, which you get maybe 5 a night on a normal night, and marker requests if you get some high roller in your pit. and that stuff the pit boss could easily do themselves. the other night when i was doing 2 pits, the other pit needed fills and the guy did them cuz he knew i was busy. so why do they even need us? that place is so inefficient. they have too many levels of employees. especially in the finance dept (which is technically the dept i’m in). and especially in pit clerks. we have nothing to do, the supervisors don’t do anything, and apparently all our manager does is check all the rating cards we enter. they pay us all to do nothing. but hey, it’s not my business, i don’t care if they’re losing money.

talked to some girl in the caf last night…we traded scary bug in drink stories haha.

anyway. gotta get off my ass and write the grad school essay tomorrow.

went to the doctor. i hate doctors. they make me feel stupid. they never believe me and they never fix shit. i’ve never had a doctor fix anything that was wrong with me. anyway…she thinks i have what my dad has, mitral valve prolapse (which adr suggested i had months ago i might add, go adr!), so i have to have an electrocardiogram on wednesday. and then she sent me for blood tests to check my thyroid cuz of the whole always hungry lost 20 pounds thing. so i went over to the place on meadow across from the highschool (amanda: haha yeah i laughed) and got that done. then i have to go back to see the doctor in 2 weeks after the test is all done and stuff. mom just thinks i had a panic attack.

but my alarm didn’t go off today, cuz it screwed up. i set it for 10:15, i checked it, it changed itself to 11:15. didn’t get up til mom screamed my name at 11, appt was at 11:30. this is the 108397th time it’s done that. i swear if it hadn’t gone off at the right time the day nate left i’d have killed someone. i need to find my old alarm clock. there was nothing wrong with it except the button fell off, but you just had to put it back on again and it worked. it worked without the button but then you couldn’t change the alarm or time or turn it on or off haha.

the rest of the day… i really should get unlazy and do this grad school essay. but i still have 2 weeks haha. and i should start burning off these 93 songs i have for nate. comp gave me weird “you have no memory left” messages the other day even tho i have 4 gb free still blahblahblah.

wow i had a bad night last night. everything started monday i think. had gone to mcds to eat and talked to christa. she asked if i still had the same boyfriend, so i said well he’s in africa so we had to break up when he left. she said she was sorry, and i got all weird and choked up and had to leave. then the crying in eckerd. yesterday i was doing some writing in hopes of gaining some catharsis and getting shit out of my system. of course the song this layout is based on had to come on too, so that just made me cry even more than i already had been. got over it. then missy was over for dinner. missy is one of those people who you can interrupt mid story and she’ll come right back to it in exactly the same spot when you’re done interrupting. slightly rain-man like, she’ll then repeat the end a few times. so i go down for dinner and she says she heard nate sent me a postcard. she said that was nice of him to send me something. (oddly, someone else mentioned to me that it was nice he wanted me to know where he was…apparently lots of people thought i’d never speak to him again…) then she kept saying how it was nice because most people just leave and cut ties, most people leave and you don’t hear from them ever again. so i’m sitting at the table about to cry, so i’m just like, how about we talk about something else now. went to bed last night at 12:30 or whenever, couldn’t sleep cuz i’m all screwed up from work. ended up staring at the ceiling for a good two hours and thinking entirely too much. cried for a good hour. wtf.

everytime i think i’m actually done with all this i have a really bad episode. everything i think and feel is so condtradictory i don’t know how to interpret what stage i’m in. because i feel over him. like i don’t think about him constantly, i hadn’t been crying every day anymore, my thinking has changed to where i can see myself with other people again…shit like that. i’m actually feeling as tho i’m forgetting him…i see the pictures of us and it’s like i don’t recognize the people in them. and that really scares me. but at the same time, i have all these other feelings about how i still want to be with him, and i want so bad for him to love me.

but i’m not delusional. i don’t have serious hopes that anything i want will ever happen with us. because i know it won’t.

ug need to stop crying.

ug i dont want to go to work. i’m in no emotional position to sit there for 8 hours with nothing to do but think. i’m going to cry and it’s going to be awful. mary’s comment below made me cry too. but like she said, it’s ok. crying now.

i feel sick all the time again. like i can’t eat cuz i just gag. mom keeps making me steak which is the absolute last thing i want to be eating. cut into one piece today, had a giant red vein running through it. almost threw up right there, didn’t eat it. in middle school i almost became a vegetarian when i realized that i was eating veins in meat and chicken etc. it just totally grossed me out. i can usually ignore it unless i see them, like tonight.

i thought i had gained some weight since i eat nothing but ice cream and cereal at work, then come home and have yogurt before going to bed. but no, i lost more. now i really can’t give blood, unlike last week when i just lied and told them i didn’t weigh enough. i still did, but just barely. now…nope. this has got to stop or there will be nothing left of me.

i’m contemplating going to africa. seriously. not anytime soon…maybe later this year. maybe could work it out to go before nate comes home, fly home together or something. gotta see more how things are over there with him and stuff. i probably won’t do it but…we’ll see. my parents are buying a bmw. i said that a while ago, but now it’s for sure, it’s been ordered and everything. i guess april is when they’re going to germany to pick it up and drive it around. it’s a station wagon. yeah. a bmw station wagon. seems to me to defeat the purpose of getting a bmw. but apparently it’s really a turbo wagon, and that it’s fast enough for my dad to take to the track to race. lol a racing station wagon.