MJ’s memorial…sad as hell. very well done, nothing at all flashy and gaudy about it (which i was half afraid of). it was a fitting tribute.

my highlights, if a memorial can have highlights. rather cry-lights…

brook shields

jennifer hudson “will you be there”

al sharpton – “i want his 3 children to know, wasn’t nothing strange about your daddy, it was strange what your daddy had to deal with.”

paris’s comment. so freaking sad.

RIP michael.

RIP Michael Jackson. omg.

Michael Jackson 1958 – 2009.

I should say something shouldn’t I? I am not sure I have the right words. There are very few people in my life right now who were around back in the 90s when I became a Michael Jackson fan. There are only a few in my life right now who even know I ever was…so I don’t expect most people reading this to understand what I am feeling upon hearing about his death.

It is hard to express what MJ meant to me, because people have their own thoughts and opinions about him. But he “came into my life” at a time where his music spoke to me, and he had a huge hand in what I have become. People see his controversies and his plastic surgery, but there was much much more to him than that. He made a lot of mistakes with his life and his own PR but I truly believe he was a genius. It is tragic what he had become. But everyone needs to remember what he was, what he did for music and dance, the doors he opened for black performers, his impact on pop culture. He was an immense talent, and his influence can be seen in every dance move by today’s stars like Usher and Britney Spears, and dance troupes like the Jabbawokies and those other dancing tv shows. Any artist who denies that he was an influence is a liar.

I am more upset than I expected to be when this happened, considering I haven’t paid much attention to him in years. It is a shock, for sure. I joked that I didn’t think his London concerts would ever happen, but I didn’t think it would be because he died. I still thought about flying out there for a show every day, but now I have to be content with having had the chance to see him perform twice in 1997.

Despite whatever MJ had become, he was a great artist, a great man, he was a father, and a brother, and a human being. He didn’t seem to have much peace in life, I hope he does in death.

Anyone who has rude cracks to make about him or his death, please don’t talk to me.

MJ auction goodness

sooo….looking through the auction catalogs of michael jackson’s neverland stuff…and this is my list of things i want 🙂 oh man this is so great

caveman ninja upright arcade game – LOL caveman ninja…from 1991
luigi’s corner – some sort of coin op, don’t know what it is but it looks delightfully politically incorrect
“bat jackson”as ty dubbed it – life size statue of michael jackson dressed up in a real batman costume…he also has a 2nd full size batman statue, that is not, however, him. oh he has a life size superman too….aaand spidermans
johnny depp’s hands from edward scissor hands OMG THAT IS SO COOL
random suits of armor
plasma ball – looks like a static electricity generator thing like at spencers, but antique
monumental guilded thrown – so neat hahah

he has some really nice antique pieces but his taste in furniture was fairly boring and not my style, and he apparently didn’t have a thing for weird medical items or things in jars…sad. 🙂 he does have a scary lladro abraham lincoln with children figurine…creepy. and not in a good way.

and completely unrelated, i bought Dr Mario Online for the Wii and I’m addicted. You can play against ppl over intarwebs, so i actually lose sometimes 🙂


dream: someone gave me brian campbell’s phone number. so i thought i’d ring him up and see how he was doing about the trade, and thank him and wish him luck. so i did, and i was expecting just this quick little phone call but he just kept coming up with things to talk about. apparently we weren’t strangers, he knew me from the terminal or something. i could only understand half of what he was saying, he was mumbling. he said something about hanging out with someone i worked with, and i was like, how does he know where i work?

also…michael jackson has defaulted on the neverland ranch, and if he doesn’t pay 24mil or something it’s gonna be auctioned. i dreamed that i went down to sneak on property to see it, and was seriously considering buying it at auction. but then in the auction notes it said you get all the animals too, and i thought, what the hell am i gonna do with all the animals, i can’t run a zoo. haha then i tried to figure out some way for mj fans of the world to pitch in money to buy it and turn it into a mj museum.


dream: i was watching some show on tv that apparently was about grammy performances. that and really slutty costumes. they were showing britney spears doing some song that i guess i knew, and had this really slutty outfit on, but it really just looked like a bathing suit with a garter belt and stockings. so she finishes and suddenly i’m AT the show. backstage. so i see her come off the stage, and then next up to perform was michael jackson. he was doing “childhood” but as i’m trying to watch from the side lines, and from behind these sheer curtains so i could only sort of see, i totally didn’t recognize the song at all. i thought, wow it has been a long long time since i listened to this. so i’m trying to watch him, and britney is so excited about him performing that she goes back onstage behind him and starts dancing around. the light guys put a spotlight on her, and mj is pretty much in the dark. so i think, oh no he’s going to be soooo pissed that someone stole the spotlight from him. but britney doesn’t stay long, and mj finishes the song, and there are 3 children on stage with him. he leaves the stage and goes wherever…to the special jackson waiting area, but he forgot one of the kids, a baby. apparently HIS baby, blanket. so i pick him up and i’m carrying him around trying to figure out how to get him to one of the jacksons. i’m talking to some people back stage, and they all said i had no chance of even getting near the jackson waiting area cuz they had so much security. but what else am i gonna do with this baby? so i walk back toward their waiting area, and i walk right in, there is no security anywhere. i see janet walking toward me so i tell her i have blanket cuz mj left him on stage when he left. so she takes the baby from me, and i walk back into the heart of the waiting area and all the jackson brothers are there. the walls are all decorated with their albums and gold records etc. i take a quick look and say hi and i go to leave through this sort of lobby area to their waiting area, and janet and michael are sitting on this couch and janet is holding the baby. so i say hi and go to leave and mj grabs me and pulls me toward him sorta violently. he says “you’re not going to tell anyone you were back here right? it’s not going to end up on some nine inch nails website is it?” and he’s all sinister and his eyes are sort of small and all i can think of is “yeah he totally got his eyes done, cuz now they are way bigger” – since this was a tv show i was watching of past grammy performances, i guess i had travelled back in time to be backstage during this show. mj has abnormally hairy arms. so i tell him that i promise i wont tell anyone, and he let me go and i left.


haha yeah i just got pulled over by an NT cop…speeding and going through stop signs. did i get a ticket? of course not. i don’t know how i manage not to get tickets but i’m not questioning it. he asked how fast i was going, and i said i didn’t know (cuz i don’t think i was speeding…probably was, but haha…and the stop signs, yeah…haha i go through them every night). then he asked if i thought i was going fast, and i said no LOL so he said, let’s try this again, were you going fast, YES YES I WAS! I WAS GOING SO FAST! so he said not to let him catch me again. good thing it wasn’t nathan or i’d be dead. funny thing was, on the way home i was thinking about how if i got a ticket i’d have to get off work to go to traffic court, and all this…and then i get pulled over. that’s why i gotta stop thinking bad things about people, they’re gonna start happening.

another funny thing…i am surprised at how not upset i get being pulled over. i mean…when i got pulled over leaving nate’s a few months ago, i had been upset and crying. then i get pulled over and i’m perfectly calm and fine…same with tonight. wasn’t nervous, no tears…haha. weird.


the mj show…running commentary.
– count of the use of the word disturbing by bashir: 2… i lost track and stopped listening for it.
– i should be counting the number of times MJ says “magic”…
– holy crap is his face ever horrifying. at first it looked ok…end of the tree segment…i’m gonna have nightmares.
– he’s got some interesting paintings on his walls. wow.
– i wonder what he thinks about when watching performances in the jackson 5
– i want his big jolly green giant statue
– everyone was making a big deal about how he went shopping in vegas and just pointed at things to buy without looking at the price tags. well when you’re rich and have millions of dollars, how much things cost doesn’t really matter. plus the fact that he had taken bashir into the store to show him what he already bought…so he pointed at things and said, i bought that. who knows what really happened when he was there buying them. yes he pointed at a few extra things and said he wanted them without the price, but again. if i had 300 million dollars i wouldn’t be worrying about prices either.
– ROFL he spells out “fuck” haha best moment of the interview
– holy mother…the paparazzi at the berlin zoo. unbelievable. i couldn’t live like that.
– he has flamingos!!
– throughout this whole thing, it hasn’t been that big of a deal. until this part…about children. and now bashir is a dick. first off, this is supposed to be a documentary…his opinions are not necessary. he doesn’t need to be mentioning how uncomfortable he is, and how he HAS to confront MJ about his “obsession with children”…that’s bullshit.
– ok so it didn’t tape the whole interview. i wonder if my parents fucked it up or if it went over…there’s still tape left (it’s general hospital from last may) arg pissed off now. cuz this was the real controversial part.

ok so from what i’ve seen, i don’t get what the big deal was about all this. it’s no more weird or sad or whatever from every other MJ interview. that’s MJ…he’s eccentric. get over it. bashir wasn’t all that much of a dickhead until the end. yeah his opinions throughout the show were really unnecessary, but whatever. it’s obvious that he was highly biased as to MJ going into the interview, far from being an objective reporter. he asked leading questions in order to get sensational answers…but i think we all know, that’s what investigative journalism does…i’m surprised i don’t have more of an opinion on all this. i still think sandy’s the mother of #3 haha.

gotta find this online so i can see the end.

on another note, there is just something really funny about this headline “Rolling Stones Give Free Concert — No One Killed” haha


i just want to say that i still get really upset about everything that happened this time last year. like…i was thinking about it the other day, and i started crying. and YES i know i cry like every day, i haven’t cried that much this week, but i cried thinking about all the shit.

secondly. i’m going blind. my right eye. i need to see an eye doctor, like, a real one…not someone who just gives u glasses. do you need a referral to see one?

thirdly, and this is not new information. i hate my life. i hate everything about it. and i’m sorry for taking it out on everyone else. my first friday off in forever, and i spent it in a way i did not want to AT all. i should have made plans to go to geneseo like i was considering, but i didn’t. and after a week of feeling ok, i’m miserable again.

i think i need to remove myself from everything. everything i do and everything i say causes more trouble. and it’s not worth it.

didn’t get out of bed til 12 today. i kept kinda half falling asleep, and just didn’t feel like getting up. i love my new bed, even if it doesn’t make me sleep any better, or wake up not in pain (i still wake up with a headache almost every day), i just never want to leave it.

so when i did get up, i was anticipating my mom yelling at me to get a new job, but she didn’t. she made me breakfast haha. she just took in the roll of film with halloween pics on it, so i’ll get those scanned and up before i leave for work probably. if not, later when i get home since i’m sure they’ll let me go around 8 again.

i just watched part of MJ’s dangerous concert on vh1…again..watched it yesterday too, as if i haven’t seen it 402895 times already. it makes me sad. it makes me sad for the current mj, and long for the days of old lol. i’ve said this all before, but it just made me realize it once again. he had so much energy, you could tell he was giving the show everything he had. and now, using the 30th anniversary as a comparison, it’s like he’s only blindly going through the motions because he has to, not because he wants to. despite what sandy says about how happy he is now (since she just went and hung out with him 3 more times recently), something is missing. he’s missing the slightly cocky attitude, and the sly little impish smile he used to give back in the day…i dunno. but it makes me sad. for some odd reason, my favourite part of the live show is “beat it” even tho it’s far from being one of my favourite songs. it’s just so energetic, and great, and he’s got such an attitude during it lol. i think i’m going to watch the history show from munich after work to compare to dangerous…just feel like it. i’ll have nothing better to do with my time.

right, last night danielle sent me the directions her dad used to get to her place in indiana. so i wrote them all down etc, and then just checked yahoo to see if they were the same. they’re not. they’re not even close to being the same. danielle used mapquest directions, which is 580 miles and 9.5 hours…yahoo directions are 551 miles and 8.5 hours. so i looked at some other map sites, who all give the mapquest directions, or these really bizarre directions that take you into down town buffalo, and then onto the 90?!?!?. the yahoo directions keep you on the 90 through PA, OH and into IN, then south on state highways…mapquest takes you on the 90 until Ohio, then south through columbus, into Indiana, and then north through Indianapolis to danielle’s…which really doesn’t make ANY sense to me. so i checked them all out on the atlas, and asked my dad what he’d do and i’m going with the shorter yahoo directions. it seems easier to stay on the 90 forever and then go south, than to get off the 90, go south, and then north again…so anticipating that everything goes right, and we leave on time, we should get to danielles around 6pm, giving us the whole night to do whatever. did i mention we’re going to find shannon hoon’s grave? haha cuz we are. it’s in a cemetery in a town 9 miles away.

hehe i get to vote tomorrow, in a REAL voting booth, for the first time…no stupid absentee ballot anymore. yay. yes, this does excite me, shut up.


crying, thanks to my mom, who would NOT shut up about nate leaving. i said I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, she keeps going on about how it’s unusual for a relationship to last over 2 years apart, and i say I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, and she says i cant bury my head in the sand about it. AS IF I DONT FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT EVERY GODDAMN DAY. every fucking day i think about it when i wake up in the morning, every fucking day i think about it before i go to bed. not to mention EVERYONE ELSE who CONSTANTLY asks me what’s going to happen when he leaves. I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. then she goes on about how her and my dad think i’m going to become even more of a recluse when he leaves AS IF I DONT THINK ABOUT IT.

WELL I DO. EVERY FUCKING DAY. how can i NOT think about it? how can i NOT think about what i’m going to say to him, to find out what he thinks we should do while he’s gone. how can i NOT think about how i’m going to tell him what *I* want to happen. EVERY DAY. SO DONT FUCKING ASK ME ANYMORE.


do i have “ask me about nate” tattooed to my forehead? not one, but 2 other people asked me about him leaving today. i was upset enough as it was, and trying not to cry all the way to work, and then it just got worse.

i get to work and talk to mgr about being scheduled on saturday. she’s like, yeah i got your note. you left it here monday (last monday, not today obviously). i’m like yeah, that’s when i found out i needed off. she’s like, i didn’t get it til yesterday i was on vacation and had premade the schedules. you need to give me longer notice than that etc. she was being completely condescending to me about getting the request in “late”… she never makes the schedules normally until the day before they get posted, so there is one reason i didn’t think it’d be a problem. i also didn’t know she was on vacation and wouldn’t get my note. and as i told her, i left the note as soon as i found out i needed off. she’s like yeah i understand, but blah blah blah it’s a no call no show if you don’t come in. there was no one to take my shift, no one i could call, i couldn’t even call the host, turned retail person cuz he was working too…so she said she’d talk to the other mgrs at the meeting to see if potsmoker could host instead of bussing, and then it would be ok…so now i’m freaking out sorta, since i’m already upset, and pretty much crying again….so after the meeting i go and see if it’s ok so i can call him, and she’s like, we talked it over and we decided we’ll just cancel your shift for saturday because we’re not real busy BUT you have to get requests in earlier. LIKE I DO THIS ALL THE TIME OR SOMETHING. she’s like, i know you don’t do this alot, and don’t bother me all of a sudden saying you need off, but blah blah blah… it was just so seemingly rude and condescending, i was really irritated. i don’t take advantage of them and their kindness…she’s like, i try to give you hours since you have open availability blah blah blah, like i’m inconveniencing them by needing saturday off, and taking advantage of them… whatever.

so while the mgrs were in the meeting, and my saturday was in limbo, i go to talk to the retail girl and she goes “so what are you gonna do?” i’m like, oh god please don’t let this be what i think it’s gonna be about…so i ask her, about what, and she goes “nate leaving.” so i fucking start crying again. i’m like I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. and she’s like yeah, i know how it feels (cuz she was just in the same sort of situation), and then she realized i was crying so she’s apologizing and trying to change the subject, and i’m apologizing for crying and saying how i’m only upset cuz my mom had brought it up earlier. so i had to go get some air, cuz i was all crying again, and i had to seat someone and blah it sucked. but i got control of myself again and was fine the rest of the night. i was fine even when the 2nd person asked me about nate.

so anyway. the casino job thing still might be in the works. turns out one of the bartenders just got hired to deal because she knows the pit boss. so i’m like, u gonna help me out? haha so she gave me her name to put on the application, and is gonna call the guy and tell him to get my application out tomorrow, after i go re-apply. so cross your fingers again. i need to get out of hard rock.

“Researchers: Gay sheep brains different” OMG there are such things as homosexual SHEEP!? i didn’t realize the animal world would have homosexual animals… LOL

feet hurt. longass day. it was our last “busy” day of the year, and busy it was. we were waiting on tables until 11:45…we close at 12. me and jack had to both stay til close, then i won rock-paper-scissors so i got to leave before him. he was going to have to wait til the restaurant cleared, and it was still more than half full. kristen didn’t leave until 11. it was insane. so glad i have tomorrow off.

so incase for some reason adrienne reads this before i see her, this is my schedule this week: wed 10:30-6, friday 12-?, saturday i forget, but i think 11-6 and sunday i forget, but i think 11-6. wednesday planning on going out with nate, kristen and mike, and friday is joe’s birthday thing.

driving down payne avenue is like driving through an obstacle course. and when you’re sorta upset and driving carelessly, it’s really not good. almost hit one of those flashing light things they have over the manholes on the way to work. but i didn’t and that’s all that matters.

i believe i had more to say, but i don’t remember. i’m beat. i hope i sleep past 8am. and i don’t think this is going to publish cuz i think my host is down…


gah i hate clothes and i hate shoes and i hate all these 70s fashions. they were ugly in the 70s they’re still ugly. obviously, i went shopping today. me and adr started at frisbees, cuz i wanted to see if they had a promo for the new u2 song (no luck there). got the MJ promo of “you rock my world” for a buck… i have friends who paid 20+ for it on ebay ROFLMAO. that’s great. she bought pretty hate machine 🙂 i’m a bad influence hehe. then we missed the onramp for the 198 (scajaquada) so did a bit of a detour down elmwood and back up delaware. of course, since i hadn’t talked to her since wednesday, i had info to update her on so it was all good. ended up at the galleria. i bought jeans! lol. they were onsale 2 for 40 at Lerners, so we both got a pair. they’re the low rise boot cut kind. so now i have a baggy pair from last year, and these new ones. that should be good. i hate all shirts out now tho… all this frilly crap, and the peasant shirts which were SO middle school. barf. and NO ONE has a red “leather” jacket for me. i must find one. everyone has the kind i want in black or brown, but i want burgundy. looked for shoes, all shoes are crap. if i liked sneakers there was this cool pair of sketcher sneakers that were all glittery and stuff. but i hate sneakers. except for my 15$ adidas that i forget that i own. anyway, went to target after that, nothing good there either.

we might go for a ride through getzville in the miata tonight. we’ve been planning on driving through getzville for like 2 years now and it hasn’t happened yet. and we have nothing else to do. i just gotta make sure i can get that car, dunno what my parents are doing. so yeah. that’s about it.


since i bought the MJ promo today i figured i’d throw in invincible…the songs are so long its almost painful. i already had a headache and it’s making it worse. there is no reason that “unbreakable” needs to be 6 and a half minutes long. and then to have 3 songs that are so alike in a row. omg. can’t deal. maybe i can put it on random. lol. i’m sorry mj, i still love you. you need to hire me to do something for you, i could help! my god this album is hysterically funny… hearing mj say things like “he can’t do you like me” and “i just wanna make love” roflmao omg…gotta remember to put this in when i need a good laugh. omg “break of dawn” too fucking hilarious hahaha but yeah…”heaven can wait” is actually a really good song…as far as mj-love songs go…it’s good. there are better, like “i can’t help it” or “it’s the falling in love” (which “butterflies” still reminds me of) from off the wall…when it was still possible that mj was a tiny bit sexual. “heaven can wait” is pretty good tho. i still can’t get over how good his voice sounds on this album. imagine how much better dangerous would sound if his voice was this calibur on that record…lol. and “cry” still sounds unbelievably like “on the line” from “get on the bus” movie, and it’s still one of the stronger songs on this record….and “speechless” still sounds like “you are not alone” for the first 3 seconds. and it still sucks. LOL. and gah, “whatever happens” is so fantastic. it’s like, the only song on here that mj is semi-emotional on. gah i miss the mj who had feelings LOL. and facial expressions 🙂 this is what mj needed… more songs like “whatever happens” he’s 44 years old, he needs a more mature sound like that – not all the arcade game crap from the beginning of the album…and none of this sappy “lost children” crap.

and speaking of MJ – apparently Sandy is at neverland right now…i dont know how she does it.

top mj songs ever
1. give into me
2. dangerous
3. is it scary
4. man in the mirror
5. dirty diana
6. liberian girl
7. in the closet
8. who is it
9. billie jean
10. smooth criminal

twas a good day. very good day. work was great, lots of fun. we were completely dead, so me, nate and kate played simon someone left there, and goofed off the whole night. adr, eric and amanda came in for a while so that was cool. i ended up leaving at 11 and went to the bar with a girl from retail and met up with kate and mike. nate showed up when he got out. hung out there for a while, then me, nate, mike and kate went to the scummit dennys cuz we were starving. then the girl from retail ended up showing up too. it was a good time. found out even more TMI about kate and mike, but it’s all good. and nate called me his girlfriend today so….it was so funny, because we’re at work and the retail girl calls me on the phone system and is like, “you guys are all cozy over there, what’s going on?” and then later one of the servers comes over and is like, “So what’s up with you two?” haha everyone is so nosy. and of course, we get to dennys and me and kate go to the bathroom, and she’s like “So whats going on with you two?” wanting to know details lol. girl talk in the bathroom haha. she said she felt like a 3rd wheel at work today haha. it wasn’t that bad 😛

there was a spider in my car when i left dennys. totally ended up driving on the wrong side of the road, dunno where the spider went. ug.

must sleep now.



*ahem* anyway…wake up time today: 7am ARGGGGG!!!!!!


a thought occured to me which i found pretty freaky. it’s been exactly 3 years since i’ve dated anyone. and i mean EXACTLY. ian and i started officially dating august 20 1999. why do i remember that still, not entirely sure. but yah…kinda weird.

anyway. back to michael jackson. the rumor is that ex-wife debbie rowe had this 3rd baby too…i wonder what it’s like to be michael jackson’s baby factory…hahah. pop em out and hand em over. i’m sure she doesn’t ever see them. you never hear about custody or any of that crap. i’m really surprised that this baby thing has been kept a secert since apparently 6 months ago. Sandy, who is an MJ elite, and “in the know”, said she knew about it in March…but there was not even a single inkling in the tabloids or anything…strange. but it’s michael jackson, what ISN’T strange. i still love you mj, don’t worry 🙂 i’ve actually been on an MJ kick lately. it’s all cuz kate keeps mentioning how much she loves him. i was trying to get her to do the thriller dance for me again, she said she’s gonna go home and make sure she still remembers it, since she has the HIStory videos. it makes my day. hehe

the weather is all crappy today, so no doubt i’m going to get rained on at some point today. the storms are supposed to come in the afternoon, right when i have to go to work. which reminds me, didn’t get to switch my shift friday. it was so dead yesterday that when i got there, there was only 1 host on and it was jack, not nicky – so i couldn’t ask her to switch with me. arg. it’s not THAT big a deal. nate still wants to go out when i get cut, and maybe tonight too since i’ll be first cut but i dunno.

aunt trudy gets here today. i guess not until 11, so if i’m home in time, and not going out with nate i’ll probably go to the airport with my mom to pick her up. my dad comes back home today too, but i dunno what time.


i am so tired. i think this whole not sleeping thing is getting to me. i had to go sit down at work for a lil bit cuz i felt like shit. the night was pretty boring. it was dead until 6ish, then picked up more than it did yesterday. there was one moment that made my night tho. larry was like, “so i hear you and nate are boinging?” so i was like, “where’d you hear that?” he said jenn told him. jenn is the girl who always sexually harasses nate. i guess this is how it went:
jenn: hey there’s my other boyfriend.
larry: right, i know you like nate.
jenn: he’s cheating on me
larry: with who?
jenn: with sara.
hahah that made my night. why? i’m not too sure…it’s just funny, since i was given permission by nate to take her out back and smack her around for him…the fact that she noticed something is going on with me and him is amusing to me. so maybe she’ll leave him alone now. i don’t want to have to threaten her with an ass kicking, since she’s short but twice my size and would hurt me pretty badly. hahaha. mike said that him and kate had a really good time last night with us and want to go out again sometime…so that’s cool.

i wanted to go home early since it was slow, so james said i could go if i went onstage during the YMCA so…yeah. i forced myself. and then he wasn’t going to let me go, but he did. so i left at 9:30. i called nate to see what was up when i got out, but he wasn’t home, so i might go to the airport with my parents. they probably will be leaving soon.