the guy in front of me at aldi was buying 12 gallons of bleach. what does someone do with 12 gallons of bleach except try to wash blood stains out of the floor? man i watch WAY too much forensic files haha. i should have told him not to bother, the detectives will find blood traces anyway hehehe
long long day. drove down to olean to pick up sarah who we met at the nin erie and cleveland shows, and her girlfriend katia, to do some splorin up in buffalo. the terminal of course đŸ™‚ i also had a meeting there at 3 so it worked out. and opex kids decided to stop by. also stopped by cargill for a bit, before my house and back to olean. the drive back was through the most ridiculous storms and rain. lightning everywhere, monsoon rains, craziness. the whole time i was trying to remember what you’re supposed to do if your car gets hit by lightning – stay inside and not open the door, because it acts as a hollow ball and keeps the current on the outside of the car, or if it was fine to get out because of the rubber tires…and settled on just calling 911 and finding out what to do from them. until i wondered maybe you shouldn’t use a cell phone while in a car that was struck by lightning hahah. luckily it didn’t matter. made it to olean, where it wasn’t raining. got gas and food and made my way back.
i have soooo much cleaning to do before dan gets here tomorrow night. (who apparently RSVPed for me to go to the opex banquet LOL thanks for telling me) i apologize in advance if my house smells and is all muggy, it’s way humid and i have no air circulation in here.
also, godhead’s last album is terrible. wtf happened to that band. while they may never have been excellent they certainly weren’t sell out radio friendly modern rock crap.
booo
looks like i’m gonna lose intstitutionalgreen.com because someone keeps outbidding me on the domain auction. unless leighanne logs in and repurchases it. which will cost like 80$ or something. fantastic.
a perfect circle’s “mer des noms” is brilliant.
i have this strange feeling someone is going to ask me to go to tori amos at sheas in october hahaha lucky for them it’s on a day off
i feel the need to clarify a previous post.
i’m not upset and depressed about not having someone to share my life with. because in thinking about it, i honestly am not looking for “that someone”, and i’m not at this point interested in having “that someone”. i am really uninterested for a number of reasons.
what is upsetting me is the fact that i’m *thinking* that i *should* want that. it upsets me that i have this lump in the back of my head saying “you should be at ____ point in your life, you should be married, you should have a kid” when i know that i don’t HAVE to be at that point now, or ever. i am my own person, and what i do with my life is not ruled by the so called conventions of society – marriage, family, career.
but more so than lately i keep thinking i *should* be at such and such a point, and i should be doing X, when i used to not think about any of that at all. and that’s the problem.
ue
another rainy morning turned into a good exploring day. ian and i hit up concrete central with intent to climb, but it is unclimbable for us novices with no upper body strength. or ladders. just one ladder to go up one story is needed. when they cut the stairs out of that elevator, they actually cut out the entire stair structure – unlike cargill. so after the typical walk through we headed to the marine-a elevator, which i hadn’t been back to since early 2004. it’s rather unimpressive, and quite small in comparison to concrete central and cargill, but it has the coolest echoes. for whatever reason the owners cut off the bottom of the silos. so you can see all the way up, just massive space, that sounds so cool with any tiny little noise. it’s really the only thing that makes it interesting. that and the praying mantis we found on a rusted barrel. and the weird half painted over mural that included an airplane that i SWEAR says “capital g” on it. also, the stacks still have stairs! woo. for some reason it felt more dangerous to be using those stairs than climbing cargill’s lack of stairs. the roof top level was very different from cargills, very small, not as many different roof levels. somewhat anti climatic after trying to get up there, but still cool to see. interesting view from up there, but i don’t see making a return trip in my future though. i do need to find a ladder of some sort to take to concrete…
got dinner at amy’s so i could finally get the falafel haha. drove around a bit, couldn’t find anything else. need some new places to visit for next time. suggestions welcome haha.
my hair is driving me nuts and i’ve been too lazy to make an appt with nancy so i’m going to risk my head at supercuts tomorrow. and if i wake up with enough time, dye it black before the show. i really want to wear my too short london skirt to the show but with the wicked bruises on my leg…they just look so awful. blah.
i finished reading “ordinary people”, one of the “classics” i got on my bookmooch spree. it ended up being better than i thought it would be. you really get to hate the mom by the end of the book. and it’s a happy and unhappy ending wrapped up in one. i enjoyed it. i’m now reading the pentagon papers. time for some scholarly reading so my brain doesn’t go to mush.
other than that i’ve been feeling pretty crap. no, that’s not really the term. i’ve been thinking of a way to describe it and it’s a cross between ambivalence and unsatisfied. just alot of thinking about life, where i am, what i’ve done, who’s been there….just spurred on by certain dreams, and running head first into the past. and depressed that despite my professions of being happy about being alone at 27 i’m starting to think i’m not happy, and that this isn’t what i want. i hate to say that i “should” be dating/engaged at this age, it sits there in the back of my mind that there is something wrong with where my life has gone. that i should be somewhere other than this. that i should be finishing grad school, or be in some other more “worthwhile” career path.
there is nothing i’m willing to do with my career path because i have no interest in going back to school at this point. and i can’t quit my job because there is nothing else that will pay me what i get now as an entry level employee. the best i could hope for would be $10/hr at a phone bank or something. not interested. the only potential for a new job is wrapped up in a possible restoration related job. which i shouldn’t even get hopes up about since there is so much at stake with that, and absolutely no guarantees, and is a bit in the future if at all.
the alone thing…i don’t meet anyone worth my time. sounds mean but it’s true. i spend my days with degenerate gamblers. not interested. and i have this thing where if i don’t like someone “romantically”, i don’t like them, and spending more time with them is not going to make me suddenly realize i’m in love with them. that is what happened with tommy. i just didn’t like him enough. so then what’s the point. now Boy X at work is actually single, at the decision of the crazy baby mama, so it’s true and for real. and so he mentions hanging out. and i can only see things ending up 2 ways. me being used (most likely), or the above, not liking him enough for it to be worth it. pessimistic me can’t even begin to entertain the thought that things might work out. they just won’t. and because i already know that, what’s the point of trying.
not happy with my photography, and apparently it’s not interesting anyone else either. i’ve gotten no comments on any recent images posted to my deviantart account and i typically get quite a few from the people who “watch me”. but this is the least important of my recent thoughs.
even when i’m not actively thinking of any of this i’ve just felt like i’m in a weird place. music is not helping, i can’t find anything to listen to to satisfy. i tried going the quiet route with the “still” ep, and i tried going the loud angry route…nothing worked.
eh. whatever.
breeze still carries the sound
maybe i’ll disappear
tracks will fade in the snow
you won’t find me here
ice is starting to form
ending what had begun
i am locked in my head
with what i’ve done
i know you tried to rescue me
didn’t let anyone get in
left with a trace of all that was
and all that could have been
please
take this
and run far away
far away from me
i am
tainted
the two of us
were never meant to be
all these
pieces
and promises and left behinds
if only i could see
in my
nothing
you meant everything
everything to me
gone fading everything
and all that could have been
please
take this
and run far away
far as you can see
i am
tainted
and happiness and peace of mind
were never meant for me
all these
pieces
and promises and left behinds
if only i could see
in my
nothing
you meant everything
everything to me
and he answered, an hour later…i had tried to trump myself up, mentioning being on the CTRC board (since he was with me the first time i ever saw it) and the photographer thing etc…
“Yeah, I heard as much.
When I got back I assumed much of the work there at the terminal had been done by you or with you.
The traveling came from peace corps mostly, then I worked in Japan right after that for a year or so. My girlfriend and I just checked out our respective schools for next year. I’ll be looking to get a PhD this next year.
Right now I’m working at praxair and am living in East Buffalo near the galleria”
i invited him to the terminal saturday during the car show. i’ll drop dead if he shows up.
he actually answered me….
“Well Well Well indeed,
Back at you. Africa, Japan, thailand, etc were well. I lived, at least.
And how is Sara Etten? Dealing among indians still?”
urbex injuries
my injured arm is about 7 different colors. every color of the rainbow is represented on my arm. if i could take a photo i would but it’d in a weird spot, and it’d be very difficult hah. you’ll just have to take my word for it.