my hair is driving me nuts and i’ve been too lazy to make an appt with nancy so i’m going to risk my head at supercuts tomorrow. and if i wake up with enough time, dye it black before the show. i really want to wear my too short london skirt to the show but with the wicked bruises on my leg…they just look so awful. blah.

i finished reading “ordinary people”, one of the “classics” i got on my bookmooch spree. it ended up being better than i thought it would be. you really get to hate the mom by the end of the book. and it’s a happy and unhappy ending wrapped up in one. i enjoyed it. i’m now reading the pentagon papers. time for some scholarly reading so my brain doesn’t go to mush.

other than that i’ve been feeling pretty crap. no, that’s not really the term. i’ve been thinking of a way to describe it and it’s a cross between ambivalence and unsatisfied. just alot of thinking about life, where i am, what i’ve done, who’s been there….just spurred on by certain dreams, and running head first into the past. and depressed that despite my professions of being happy about being alone at 27 i’m starting to think i’m not happy, and that this isn’t what i want. i hate to say that i “should” be dating/engaged at this age, it sits there in the back of my mind that there is something wrong with where my life has gone. that i should be somewhere other than this. that i should be finishing grad school, or be in some other more “worthwhile” career path.

there is nothing i’m willing to do with my career path because i have no interest in going back to school at this point. and i can’t quit my job because there is nothing else that will pay me what i get now as an entry level employee. the best i could hope for would be $10/hr at a phone bank or something. not interested. the only potential for a new job is wrapped up in a possible restoration related job. which i shouldn’t even get hopes up about since there is so much at stake with that, and absolutely no guarantees, and is a bit in the future if at all.

the alone thing…i don’t meet anyone worth my time. sounds mean but it’s true. i spend my days with degenerate gamblers. not interested. and i have this thing where if i don’t like someone “romantically”, i don’t like them, and spending more time with them is not going to make me suddenly realize i’m in love with them. that is what happened with tommy. i just didn’t like him enough. so then what’s the point. now Boy X at work is actually single, at the decision of the crazy baby mama, so it’s true and for real. and so he mentions hanging out. and i can only see things ending up 2 ways. me being used (most likely), or the above, not liking him enough for it to be worth it. pessimistic me can’t even begin to entertain the thought that things might work out. they just won’t. and because i already know that, what’s the point of trying.

not happy with my photography, and apparently it’s not interesting anyone else either. i’ve gotten no comments on any recent images posted to my deviantart account and i typically get quite a few from the people who “watch me”. but this is the least important of my recent thoughs.

even when i’m not actively thinking of any of this i’ve just felt like i’m in a weird place. music is not helping, i can’t find anything to listen to to satisfy. i tried going the quiet route with the “still” ep, and i tried going the loud angry route…nothing worked.

eh. whatever.
breeze still carries the sound
maybe i’ll disappear
tracks will fade in the snow
you won’t find me here

ice is starting to form
ending what had begun
i am locked in my head
with what i’ve done
i know you tried to rescue me
didn’t let anyone get in
left with a trace of all that was
and all that could have been

please
take this
and run far away
far away from me
i am
tainted
the two of us
were never meant to be
all these
pieces
and promises and left behinds
if only i could see
in my
nothing
you meant everything
everything to me
gone fading everything
and all that could have been

please
take this
and run far away
far as you can see
i am
tainted
and happiness and peace of mind
were never meant for me
all these
pieces
and promises and left behinds
if only i could see
in my
nothing
you meant everything
everything to me