i’m over it. really. however i am not over the rest of the depression and issues it triggered.
here is what it comes down to. i don’t want a relationship. issues really prevent that. i want a companion. or companions. what has depressed me the most in the last month is the realization i have every so often that i have no close friends. correction, my close friends, the people who truly understand me, the people who are like me, the people who share my interests – none of them live here.
i’m always reminded of that after seeing the Foos. i’ve known the Foos more than half my life, and they are people i met on the internet, and rarely see. but they “get” me, and we get along without having to spend time together. my other best friends, they’re around they country. the people here that i’m forced to spend time with, none of them get me, i know they think i’m strange for my hobbies and musical taste and other interests. it’s always nice to hear a friend say that another person is strange or weird, when i know that i’m like that other person. so what do they think of me? what do they say about me to others when i walk by? i don’t think there is anyone i hang out with from work that i am completely comfortable, or “myself” around. because they just don’t get me, and they are not the kind of people who ever will. the friends that do live here who get me, like adr2 and bliss and lei and alex, i almost never see.
so there are these people who tell me how awesome i am, like the boy, and this other guy at work who for some reason bought me a very extravagant christmas gift. but the boy doesn’t get me, even if he thinks i’m awesome, and he certainly is not into what i’m into, so he never would really get me. these other people who’ve said it to me have all been married, and wifes usually frown upon husbands having a chick friend.
i just want friends. friends i am comfortable with. friends to travel with. friends to just hang out with, even if it’s sitting and reading a book.
and what am i supposed to do? join a group. please. i’ve never been a joiner, and what kind of group meets on weekday afternoons. go back to college? cuz i have tons in common with a bunch of 18 year olds. put myself up on a dating site when i have no interest in dating? not gonna happen. should i go to all the gallery openings to hang out with artistic people? i don’t like artists, they are pretentious and flighty. should i go to see local bands every week and be the weird old lady hanging around a bunch of 15 year old scene-ster kids? i don’t fit in anywhere.
so here i sit. myself and my cat.
time to take the xmas lights down while it’s almost 50 out.