i’m back. i’ve been off line for basically a week, and it took me about 15 minutes to catch up on all i missed… i’m not too sure what that means.

however, i now have a 5 page word document to blog 🙂 i think i’m gonna cut it down a bit….

I’m not sure if there could have been a worse time for my internet to break. It’s been off since Thursday night. I’ve been bored out of my mind without it. I can’t play enough text twist and euchre to entertain myself. Blah. It came back on Friday night long enough for me to check my email, and now it’s been off again since. Soooo a recap I guess.

Thursday night I can’t remember so I must not have done anything.

Friday: mom set up the christmas tree. I couldn’t be in any less of a christmas mood. I made my cards, they’re disappointing this year, so if you don’t get one you’re not missing much. Headed to kinkos to get copies of them made, and to make copies of the pictures of me and nate to send to him eventually. The stupid kinkos guy told me if I had the people behind the counter do the copies they’d be cheaper. Well that’s only if you want more than 10 copies, and I only had 9. So I ended up waiting forever for my copies when I could have done them myself (cuz I did the photos myself) and paid the same price anyway. And I bought my mom a birthday card there even tho her birthday isn’t until june. I gave it to her now, because it won’t be as funny in june. Parents got a kick out of it. Also stopped at best buy and got eric’s xmas gift. It’s great. I got it for 10$ cheaper than I should have because I cheated them hehe. I’m awesome.

So Friday night: adrienne came over to watch the sabres game. AND THEY WON AGAIN. and there was another hattrick (Satan this time) it was against the NY Rangers, 4-1. She chilled here for a bit after the game, and we’re dorks and go to bed early so yeah. boring night.

I did ok on Friday with the whole missing nate thing. I didn’t cry at all. I wanted to a few times, but I managed not to. Like when adrienne called, my mom answered and told her I was feeling blue. So I pick up the phone and she’s like WHY ARE YOU BLUE?! I’m like huh?!?!?! And my mom keeps saying things to try to make me feel better, such as “I feel so bad for you.” thanks. but I swear to god, every tv show I’ve watched this week is about some kind of relationship thing, and people getting back together and crap. And it’s like, ugh, shut up.

Soooo Saturday. I wanted to cry pretty much all day Saturday, and did a few times, but nothing big. I didn’t do anything during the day, but did go out to chippewa with the hard rock girls for birthday celebrations. Kristen got me around 8 and we went out there way early so we could park. Got coffee at spot cuz we weren’t meeting everyone else til 10. Headed to soho to wait for everyone, got drinks. (I swear Jay Mckee was there but who knows for sure, there was a game in town that night, and the time was right that it could have been him but I somehow doubt it) They showed up late of course, had more drinks, and went to mcmonkeys. Stayed on the bar side for a while, then went to the club side. It was great, cuz it was angela’s birthday we got a free bottle of champagne!! Gotta remember that for future birthdays. It was a good time. Surprisingly. And I managed not to cry, and actually talked about nate and the situation a lot. So go me. Angela knows what I’m going through, cuz she just did the same thing this summer, so she always asks me about it all and stuff. She’s the one who made me cry at work. But I was good that night. I wasn’t sure if I would be, esp after I got some alcohol in me. Then me and kristen talked tons in the car both ways about nate, and then about her exhusband and my psycho ex and how they were abusive and shit. It was weird, it was good. Definitely have to all go out again.

Sunday a whole lot of sitting here, watching tv, and doing nothing.

I had weird dreams the past few nights. The one night I dreamed I found a store that sold merrivale mall books and that there were 3 separate series of merrivale mall. Of course I had to buy them, and I ended up spending 47$ on them haha. I had a dream Sunday morning before I got out of bed about nate. Weird stuff about his toilet in his house leaking and so there was water all over the place. And then he wouldn’t let go of me when we were going upstairs to get towels. And my mom was there and thought he was hugging me to make me feel better for peeing on the floor, and I was like no, nate did it. He can’t help it that he has a small bladder. Then I was dreaming that I was sleeping, and nate was there with me and I could like feel him.one of those dreams. I could feel him next to me, and his head was leaning against mine, and I could feel him breathing and stuff. It was weird. It was nice. Monday morning dreamed that I was going to call nate to hang out, cuz it felt like forever since we hung out together. Then I remembered, right, africa

I might have mentioned this, but my mom’s latest kick is that I have diabetes. She thinks since I’m hungry all the time, and that is 1 of many symptoms of diabetes that I have it she wants me to go to the dr and stuff. Well, I weighed myself the other day and now I’ve lost a total of 15 pounds since graduation. I haven’t weighed this little since freshman year before I took the headache meds that made me gain weight. Mom hugged me today, cuz you know, she feels so bad for me, and was like OMG YOU’RE SKIN AND BONES! YOU HAVE DIABETES. ONE OF THE SYMPTOMS IS WEIGHT LOSS.so now she thinks I have it EVEN more. I must say I look pretty disgusting without clothes on my bones stick out again and stuff. I dunno how nate could stand me 😛 I’m just kidding about that last part, he has a thing for ultra skinny girls I think but really. I need to gain some weight, and I obviously don’t know how since I eat 7 times a day still, and end up losing weight.

Hey guess what, Sabres learned how to play hockey. They won saturday night’s game 4-3 against washington. in one week they doubled their wins all season hahaha. How sad. But yay!! We can score goals suddenly, and win games.

Monday I ran some errands, mailed christmas cards, and went to the library to check my email and stuff. Then tonight was the first night of training for the casino. Omg it is so unbelievably easy. It’s going to be very painful to spend another 2 nights on the computers learning it, when I learned it in 5 minutes. We have an evaluation on Thursday, and they’re calling everyone on Saturday to tell them if they have the job or not. The way they’re going to be scheduling sucks. Apparently people who want graveyard or swing shift will definitely get them, and everyone else is going to be scheduled by lottery to day or night shifts. Arg. I don’t want to be doing night shifts.

Tuesday .had a major headache when I woke up. Went to this new discount bookstore in the wurlizter building with my mom. Bought a few things for nate a calligraphy book (lol he took a class on it in college) and a cross word puzzle book to keep him entertained.got carolyn a present, got myself a present lol. There were tons more things I would have bought but I didn’t have any money as it is (I had exactly enough to pay for what I bought). I’ll wait til after xmas to get anything else. Went to the library to check my email and to teds for lunch with mom. Then back home to nap cuz I felt like shit.

2nd night of training. I so do not want to go back wednesday, because it’s another 3 hours of doing the exact same thing. Me and this kid who I sat with today both went through the exercises twice and some people hadn’t finished the 1 person doing them. We’re like ok can we leave now? It was a waste of time. Cuz it’s so not hard.

Anyway it’s been a week since nate left. It’s kind of hard to believe, it went so fast (despite having no internet and being bored to death). I’m taking that as a good thing. Because if it felt like years, the next 2 years would be hell haha. nate’s father called tonight and left a message telling me nate got to niger ok. They got notification from the peace corps that he arrived and stuff it seemed like they haven’t talked to nate though. I wonder if nate’s dad called on his own, or cuz they got my xmas card telling them to call me even tho I only sent it yesterday. I realize grand island is a whole 10 minutes away, but I still didn’t think it’d get there in one day. I’ll call his family next week to see if they’ve talked to him in person and if they have an address for him yet.

I mentioned above, I worked with this boy at training today. It made me really sad. First of all he was wearing cologne and a leather jacket that made him smell like nate. Second having to talk to him even the littlest bit made me realize how easy it was when nate and I met. I didn’t have to try to talk to nate, I just did. It was so simple, it was so comfortable. And it’s not like that for me with anyone. I don’t meet people and click like that, and feel comfortable enough to carry on conversations. And it scares me that I won’t get that again, that it’ll never be as easy as it was the night nate and I met. It was so abnormal the fact that I went to the bar with him that night when he invited me. if this kid had invited me for drinks tonight, I would have turned him down in a second. Blah. This whole thing with nate makes me so sad, and scared, that I’ll never have it again. I know it was only 3 months, and I’m not saying we’re meant to be together or any of that crap but it was just so good, and so easy for me to handle, and even tho he wasn’t what I thought I wanted, he ended up having everything I want. And I’m afraid I won’t find someone else who “lives up to my standards” that I now seem to have because of nate. Like, he’s smart, and he’s going to be successful no matter what he ends up doing. he’s attractive, fit, funny, tall, great personality, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t do drugs treated me good, WASN’T PSYCHO lol great smile,friendly, gives great massages and stuff hahahe’s so nice *sigh*

I’m trying really hard to get rid of this hope that I have that me and nate will have something else in the future. I know time will take care of it. But thinking about it at all makes me cry. Cuz right now, he is all I want. He is all I could ever want. And right now he’s something I can’t have. And something I probably will never have again.

I’m sorry. I know I sound so stupid. I sound like the people I didn’t understand before. I’m pissed off at myself for being this way, and thinking these kinds of things. But don’t worry  I’m not about to turn out like a certain someone we know down in philladelphia. I’m no where near his level, and I STILL don’t understand where he is coming from. Lol.

On a lighter note, we have new tv channels. We now carry MTV hits and VH1 mega hits. MTV hits is billed as a channel focusing on the younger demographic by playing pop hits tell me how that’s different than MTV and MTV 2?VH1 mega hits is billed as a channel focusing on hits from the 90s .i guess picking up where VH1 classic left off. So we now have 5 mtv channels (mtv, mtv2, mtv jams, mtv espanol, and mtv hits) 4 vh1 channels (vh1, vh1 classic, vh1 country, vh1 mega hits) and much music. And there is still never anything I like on. Mtv needs to bring back mtvx.

wednesday…today…got my hair cut. it’s too short. it’s not short, but since i wanted it to grow out and just wanted to be de-mullet-ed it’s shorter than i’d have liked. it’s short in the back, goes long in the front. i’ll take some pictures of myself and post them. i gotta figure out how to do it the way i want it tho. the cable guy came to fix our internet, buried a new cable wire, gave us a new modem and here i am! finally! 3rd day of training as well…took me about 7 minutes to do the exercise tonight, and then i sat there while everyone else finished. and the supervisor told me to help people if they needed help hahaha. we went over the questions in the back of our workbook and then we could go, so i got home around quarter to 8. good thing, cuz it’s raining/sleeting/icing and i didn’t want to drive home on a sheet of ice. tomorrow is our evaluation, i’ll have to “study” haha.

tomorrow’s plan…xmas shopping. get carolyn’s other gift, get dad’s gift, find something for mom and adrienne…maybe something different for danielle, but then i dunno what to do with danielle’s gift i already have for her. i thought of something else *I* want…death to smoochy dvd.