*sigh*

so yesterday. the kidnapping. picked nate up at 1 and went to the bookstore, and then to the central terminal. i told him it was a surprise, because i knew if i told him he wouldn’t want to go. we managed to find it, and he was like, i’m not going in blah blah blah. it was a pretty bad neighborhood, and he kept saying how there would be homeless inside, and how we’d get arrested, and i could go in but he wasn’t. we drove around to the other side of the building, and there were 2 other groups of people there with cameras too haha. so we got out to take pictures of the outside, and nate was all paranoid about getting arrested (cuz if he gets arrested or even a traffic ticket this last month home he can’t go to africa). he said he didn’t see the attraction in an old run down piece of crap building. but he got over it. there was no place to go inside anyway, the whole perimeter was fenced off. they’ve already started to prepare it for renovation i guess.

so from there, we went to forest lawn cemetery to waste the rest of my film. he likes cemeteries so this was better. walked around there, took pictures, finally found our way out. stopped for mclunch, hit frizbees and walmart, and came back to my house to hang out until eric and tiff were ready to go out. ended up taking a nap again, and then just laying around talking.

eric and tiff came over around 7:30 and nate and i hadn’t had dinner, so the 4 of us went to fridays…or not, since there was over an hour wait, so we went to chilis again. i don’t like chilis for food, but oh well. there was a wait there too, but there was a booth open in smoking so we took that and ate right away. with nothing else to do, we found a liquor store, went to walmart to goof off a bit, and then back to my house, surprise. watched tv, and that’s about it. everything ended about 1, took nate home. blah i was sorta upset. i have no reason to be, but i was. it’s carried over and so now i feel like crap still. yeah, so i had to take nate home since his parents would be all stupid about him staying the night here. i know this, and i understand this, but it still upset me. so taking him home, i barely said 2 words, tried not to cry, dropped him off and he’s like i’ll call you, we’ll party, which is his famous line, and i was like yep. i left his house, and apparently turned too fast onto the main road and immediately got pulled over by a sheriff. i’m like oh fucking great. so he comes to the car and does the whole thing, tells me why he pulled me over, he’s like “it seemed like you were trying to get away from something, or that you were upset, is everything ok?” i’m like yeah. he’s like “you sure?” i’m like, yeah..just upset at my boyfriend, that’s all. he’s like, yeah, you seemed upset the way you turned the corner. i’m like ok. he keeps asking me if i’m alright, which is making me start to cry. i’m like DONT FUCKING CRY OR HE WONT LET YOU GO…people seem to think i can’t drive while i’m crying, but let me tell you, i’m a pro. he’s like are you SURE you’re ok? i nod my head cuz i can’t speak. he’s like, are you going home now? i said yes, he let me go. so then i really start crying, and like gagging. it sucked. got home, cried for like an hour.

i know i won’t see nate today. i’ll be surprised to hear from him unless i call him later. you know, football day… 😛 when he was leaving i couldn’t bring myself to ask him if i’d get to see him today, cuz i’d have started to cry and i really didn’t want to. i really need to talk to him tho, about this whole thing. i gotta do it right away next time i see him, maybe it’ll be easier that way. i know i’ll start crying and he won’t be able to understand what i’m saying but…i have to. i just gotta be like, “look we have to talk about niger.” i don’t even know where to start.

 

hanging by threads of palest silver
i could have stayed that way forever
bad blood and ghosts wrapped tight around me
nothing could ever seem to touch me
i lose what i love most
did you know i was lost until you found me?

a stroke of luck or a gift from god?
the hand of fate or devil’s claws?
from below or saints above?
you came to me
here comes the cold again
i feel it closing in
it’s falling down and all around me
falling
-garbage “a stroke of luck”

well nate’s coming over tonight. don’t know when. he knows why…called him a few hours ago, told him about getting pulled over, and that i needed to talk to him for a few hours if he had no plans. they have dinner out with his aunt. so i said i didn’t care what the hell time it was, it could be 1am for all i cared, but i needed a few hours to talk to him. he sorta freaked when i said hours, so i was like 1 hour, a half hour 15 min whatever. started to cry while on the phone, couldn’t even say goodbye. so he knows what it’s about. it’s going to be bad.

 

he came over unannounced, caught me off guard. he left. there’s nothing else to say. there’s so much to say. i’m not sure enough got said. and a bit too much got said.

didn’t get out of bed til 12 today. i kept kinda half falling asleep, and just didn’t feel like getting up. i love my new bed, even if it doesn’t make me sleep any better, or wake up not in pain (i still wake up with a headache almost every day), i just never want to leave it.

so when i did get up, i was anticipating my mom yelling at me to get a new job, but she didn’t. she made me breakfast haha. she just took in the roll of film with halloween pics on it, so i’ll get those scanned and up before i leave for work probably. if not, later when i get home since i’m sure they’ll let me go around 8 again.

i just watched part of MJ’s dangerous concert on vh1…again..watched it yesterday too, as if i haven’t seen it 402895 times already. it makes me sad. it makes me sad for the current mj, and long for the days of old lol. i’ve said this all before, but it just made me realize it once again. he had so much energy, you could tell he was giving the show everything he had. and now, using the 30th anniversary as a comparison, it’s like he’s only blindly going through the motions because he has to, not because he wants to. despite what sandy says about how happy he is now (since she just went and hung out with him 3 more times recently), something is missing. he’s missing the slightly cocky attitude, and the sly little impish smile he used to give back in the day…i dunno. but it makes me sad. for some odd reason, my favourite part of the live show is “beat it” even tho it’s far from being one of my favourite songs. it’s just so energetic, and great, and he’s got such an attitude during it lol. i think i’m going to watch the history show from munich after work to compare to dangerous…just feel like it. i’ll have nothing better to do with my time.

right, last night danielle sent me the directions her dad used to get to her place in indiana. so i wrote them all down etc, and then just checked yahoo to see if they were the same. they’re not. they’re not even close to being the same. danielle used mapquest directions, which is 580 miles and 9.5 hours…yahoo directions are 551 miles and 8.5 hours. so i looked at some other map sites, who all give the mapquest directions, or these really bizarre directions that take you into down town buffalo, and then onto the 90?!?!?. the yahoo directions keep you on the 90 through PA, OH and into IN, then south on state highways…mapquest takes you on the 90 until Ohio, then south through columbus, into Indiana, and then north through Indianapolis to danielle’s…which really doesn’t make ANY sense to me. so i checked them all out on the atlas, and asked my dad what he’d do and i’m going with the shorter yahoo directions. it seems easier to stay on the 90 forever and then go south, than to get off the 90, go south, and then north again…so anticipating that everything goes right, and we leave on time, we should get to danielles around 6pm, giving us the whole night to do whatever. did i mention we’re going to find shannon hoon’s grave? haha cuz we are. it’s in a cemetery in a town 9 miles away.

hehe i get to vote tomorrow, in a REAL voting booth, for the first time…no stupid absentee ballot anymore. yay. yes, this does excite me, shut up.

 

crying, thanks to my mom, who would NOT shut up about nate leaving. i said I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, she keeps going on about how it’s unusual for a relationship to last over 2 years apart, and i say I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, and she says i cant bury my head in the sand about it. AS IF I DONT FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT EVERY GODDAMN DAY. every fucking day i think about it when i wake up in the morning, every fucking day i think about it before i go to bed. not to mention EVERYONE ELSE who CONSTANTLY asks me what’s going to happen when he leaves. I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. then she goes on about how her and my dad think i’m going to become even more of a recluse when he leaves AS IF I DONT THINK ABOUT IT.

WELL I DO. EVERY FUCKING DAY. how can i NOT think about it? how can i NOT think about what i’m going to say to him, to find out what he thinks we should do while he’s gone. how can i NOT think about how i’m going to tell him what *I* want to happen. EVERY DAY. SO DONT FUCKING ASK ME ANYMORE.

 

do i have “ask me about nate” tattooed to my forehead? not one, but 2 other people asked me about him leaving today. i was upset enough as it was, and trying not to cry all the way to work, and then it just got worse.

i get to work and talk to mgr about being scheduled on saturday. she’s like, yeah i got your note. you left it here monday (last monday, not today obviously). i’m like yeah, that’s when i found out i needed off. she’s like, i didn’t get it til yesterday i was on vacation and had premade the schedules. you need to give me longer notice than that etc. she was being completely condescending to me about getting the request in “late”… she never makes the schedules normally until the day before they get posted, so there is one reason i didn’t think it’d be a problem. i also didn’t know she was on vacation and wouldn’t get my note. and as i told her, i left the note as soon as i found out i needed off. she’s like yeah i understand, but blah blah blah it’s a no call no show if you don’t come in. there was no one to take my shift, no one i could call, i couldn’t even call the host, turned retail person cuz he was working too…so she said she’d talk to the other mgrs at the meeting to see if potsmoker could host instead of bussing, and then it would be ok…so now i’m freaking out sorta, since i’m already upset, and pretty much crying again….so after the meeting i go and see if it’s ok so i can call him, and she’s like, we talked it over and we decided we’ll just cancel your shift for saturday because we’re not real busy BUT you have to get requests in earlier. LIKE I DO THIS ALL THE TIME OR SOMETHING. she’s like, i know you don’t do this alot, and don’t bother me all of a sudden saying you need off, but blah blah blah… it was just so seemingly rude and condescending, i was really irritated. i don’t take advantage of them and their kindness…she’s like, i try to give you hours since you have open availability blah blah blah, like i’m inconveniencing them by needing saturday off, and taking advantage of them… whatever.

so while the mgrs were in the meeting, and my saturday was in limbo, i go to talk to the retail girl and she goes “so what are you gonna do?” i’m like, oh god please don’t let this be what i think it’s gonna be about…so i ask her, about what, and she goes “nate leaving.” so i fucking start crying again. i’m like I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. and she’s like yeah, i know how it feels (cuz she was just in the same sort of situation), and then she realized i was crying so she’s apologizing and trying to change the subject, and i’m apologizing for crying and saying how i’m only upset cuz my mom had brought it up earlier. so i had to go get some air, cuz i was all crying again, and i had to seat someone and blah it sucked. but i got control of myself again and was fine the rest of the night. i was fine even when the 2nd person asked me about nate.

so anyway. the casino job thing still might be in the works. turns out one of the bartenders just got hired to deal because she knows the pit boss. so i’m like, u gonna help me out? haha so she gave me her name to put on the application, and is gonna call the guy and tell him to get my application out tomorrow, after i go re-apply. so cross your fingers again. i need to get out of hard rock.

“Researchers: Gay sheep brains different” OMG there are such things as homosexual SHEEP!? i didn’t realize the animal world would have homosexual animals… LOL

today’s to do list
1. see if my check was direct deposited into my account. i think i was too late for this week to have been deposited. but i figure i better check before driving my ass to the falls, since i have no gas.
2. if above was not deposited, go to work, get money.
3. get gas
4. go to the post office.
5. was invited to rumors tonight with eric, amanda, and adr and whoever else, but i don’t think i’m up to it. we’ll see how i feel later.

parents are leaving tonight, so i think i’m fending for myself as far as dinner is concerned. super. it’s too hot to cook, and i can’t cook. mcdonalds.

 

1. check wasn’t deposited
2. got a great parking space to go pick up my check. why can’t i get great parking spaces when i actually have to work? ran in and out, got my check – it was pretty nice this time around.
3. got gas for 1.53 then the station a block over had it for 1.51 arg.
4. post office was the post office
5. went to the library too. the NT library is a giant waste of time. but it brought back memories of my childhood when i’d participate in the summer reading program. every year they had a theme, and in the childrens department there would be some kind of play structure to go along with the theme. this year was a circus theme, and they had a little circus tent set up. i remember going to the library and playing in whatever was set up, and getting out the same books to read every year – cuz even back then i was lazy and cheated. hehe. i would out and out lie on my list of books i read. i would read the beginning and write it down. god i’m horrible. how did i get this way?
6. there was a spider in my car when i was stuck at the construction on river road. good thing i was stopped or i would have freaked out more than i did. i had the time to take my shoe off and try to kill it. try – is the key word. tried 3 times, and don’t think i ever killed it. so needless to say, since i didn’t know where it went to, i was incredibly jumpy the rest of the ride to hard rock. i just wanted out of the car lol.

so anyway. i finally got the “don’t invite that boy to our house on saturday – he might get the wrong idea” comment from my mom this morning. i’ve been waiting for it. haha. not like it matters, his parents are going to be gone as well lol. i think i’m going to go to media play later, to find the mick rock books. i really wish the stupid library would have had them, because i do not want to buy them. i just want to borrow them and look through them and scan stuff. blah.

since my mom had suggested that i buy a house the other day, i was thinking about how i would paint and decorate a house if i actually bought one. i remembered that eric and i saw THE coolest BRIGHT red couch at salvation army last weekend. it was so friggen rad. it looked in good condition too, but there was no price so i figured someone had bought it. but if i could get that couch, i’d do my living room with black walls, the bright red couch and then like zebra print things – pillows and stuff. and some cool trendy lamps. it’d rock. that’s the only room i thought about tho haha.

i’ve forgotten to mention why Lestat is the best Anne Rice character…in “lestat” he turns his mom into a vampire. in “queen of the damned” he’s a friggen rock star for christs sake. in “body theif” he has sex with a nun, and later causes her to get stigmata. and in “memnoch” he feeds off jesus. lol.

 

woo hoo. dad said i can drive his miata this weekend. i would have anyway 🙂 and now i don’t have to use my own gas that i just put in. lovely lovely. i suck at driving his car so bad. it’s awful to shift, but i get the hang of it after a few miles. hehe. so who wants to go for a ride?

secondly, i just remembered this utterly pointless thing that kate and i did yesterday. that awful britney spears song (i mean, the most awful one)…not a girl not yet a woman…was on the tvs. at the same time we both expressed our hatred for her and that song, and proceeded to squish her head a la “kids in the hall” LOL. kate tried to flick her off that damn cliff she’s standing on in the video. we’re so stupid. we both bitched about stupid kylie minogue too…about her non dress (that nick loves so much i might add. he tells everyone to be quiet cuz kylie is singing to him when she comes on haha..which leads to allstar and i commenting about how she looks like a rat). that reminds me, allstar got moved into retail so now we don’t have to deal with him much anymore. it’s nice haha.

i’m so bored. i feel myself slipping into the kind of mood i was in the other day, purely cuz i’m bored and thinking too much. but trying not to.

 

talking about my insecurities does not make me feel any better.

the day deteriorated in more than one way. my personal mood went down the shitter for a while, and is now hovering slightly over the bowl. i need to get out of the house, yet i don’t want to spend my night at a dance club. i’ll end up sitting here wallowing in my own…whatever….secondly, the weather is crap now. it wants to rain, but isn’t yet. so i can’t go drive real fast to drown out my thoughts in the convertible. which is something i’d really like to do right now. it’s cooled down SLIGHTLY, but is more humid than ever so i just feel disgusting.

i think i’ll hit the stores tonight, probably with eric, before they go out. keep myself occupied. i was going to watch hedwig today, but i don’t think that would do me much good, so i might watch fight club if nothing is on tv. maybe i’ll try to figure out something to do with my hair, since it’s going to be in this half mullet stage for a long time if i really leave it to grow out.

 

nobody has “blood and glitter”. nobody has any mick rock books of any kind. eric and i went to barnes and nobles, media play, and borders. negative at each one. now i’m never going to get to see this book. i looked under photography and music books, negative. ug. i’m so not buying it!!! make sure i don’t buy it.

anyway, it was sorta sprinkling but sorta not, so we said fuck it and put the top down. i love driving with the top down, especially when the sun isn’t cooking your head lol. my dad doesn’t have much gas in his car tho, so i don’t know if i should take it to work tomorrow or not. esp since we’re leaving for dinner right after work. i wish we had more solid plans so i knew what to wear and shit. i’m gonna end up bringing like 3 different things to change into. god i feel like such a stupid girl LOL. i’m also not sure i should drive my dads car to work cuz kate’s got broken into the other day and she only drives a saturn…lol.

early on in the summer, you might remember, i almost totally screwed up my website by cancelling my account, and re-ordering an account, but then cancelling it all and asking them to put it back to the way it was hehe. well they still seem to think i cancelled my account and i got an email from them to fill out a survey about why i left the company, and then they offered me the “please come back” special price packages. I WANT THE DAMN SPECIAL PACKAGES. right now i pay 9.95 a month for 200mb, 6gb transfer, 50 pop accounts, no subdomains or ftp accounts. with their special “Come back” packages i could pay 5.95 a month for 200mb, 6gb transfer, 50 pop accounts, 25 subdomains and 3 ftp accounts (among everything else i get now)….I WANT THE DAMN SPECIAL PACKAGE. so i might end up canceling my account, and signing up for the special price one LOL. but of course i’d have to re-download my entire site, because i deleted all the files once i realized i didn’t need to re-upload them to the new account. confusing i know. but if there is any down time in the site, that’s why. if i do it i’m changing my primary domain to icenine.org instead of pc.com, and using pc.com as the parked domain….it’ll facilitate the transfer NEXT august better if i do it that way.

i should do it to keep my mind occupied…

random: lately i really wish i’d have stuck with playing piano, and taking french lessons. i think it would be really great if i could be someplace with a piano and just start playing. i think of it every time Billy Joel’s “piano man” comes on at work – cuz in new orleans at our group dinner, one of the men in the other large party played part of that song for everyone. i think it would be awesome if i could do that. but i can’t. and the french thing… don’t know where that came from at all. i just really had the desire to do an entire blog post in french, but i don’t remember any of it. i remember some
ou est la boeff?
ou est la salle de bain?
quelle heure et il? (which reminds me, nick said that to me and i was like, yeah i know french, and said my famous ou est la boeff line, and he got a big kick out of that…:P)
c’est combien?
ok so i mainly just know questions LOL. i know other stuff…

 

i know i’m blogging alot of self-pitying crap lately but deal with it. that’s what blogs are about. i’m not really sure why i’m feeling this way all of a sudden. it’s alot more than just shit with relationships. but i don’t know what it is.

earlier i was reading a random blog and the person was talking about a childhood friend. i was suddenly yearning something awful to be a kid again. i don’t usually get that kind of feeling. my childhood was fine, i played with my friends, but usually it’s not something i want to go back to. i don’t like the naiveity of it all. but after reading their blog i wanted it so bad. i wanted everything to go back in time when it was easy…when you looked forward to growing up because you didn’t know what it’d actually be like. all you had to worry about was not being “it” in hide and go seek…(which reminds me, i had been thinking about how the neighborhood used to play this game called Spud…but i had no idea how you played it. nick randomly mentioned playing spud the other day. i was like OMG how the hell do you play it, cuz i’ve been trying to remember!! it was bizzare)…

i want to go back to when i just walked in my next door neighbors house, and find them to play with…their mom would make us sandwiches for lunch that were cut in triangles, and give us tropical punch koolaid in little dixie cups, and iced animal cookies for dessert. i want to go back to trying to play hopscotch in the driveway in the dark, trying to see the lines in the little bit of light from the street lamps. i want to go back to playing paddle ball across the street, also in the dark. playing “spins” on the front lawn….kick the can…nightly neighborhood softball under the power lines…asking parents if so-and-so could sleep over…running through the sprinkler…asking permission to ride bikes around the “big block” of pioneer and fairmont….swimming at wurlitzer pool…sleeping in a tent in the back yard….sand boxes…snow tunnels…riding bikes to wurlitzer pharmacy to buy 5 cent candy….mosquito bites.

i want to go back to when i didn’t have to worry about paying off my loans. when i didn’t have to worry about finding a job…when i didn’t have to worry about disappointing everyone who’s ever met me because i’m not living up to my potential…when i didn’t have to worry about relationships or lack of or anything to do with that…when the extent of worrying about my friends was giving them a hug if they fell off their bike…when there were few expectations of how i should be, or how i should act and what i should feel…when the biggest drama of our lives was when one of us ran home because we were being “left out”….when the only soap opera was in Barbie land.

it’s the heat. i think it’s the heat. it’s making everyone crazy. so many people i know are in these funks…it’s like things seem ok one day, and the next it’s like…everything falls apart again. it’s reverse seasonal affect disorder – instead of being depressed in the winter because of lack of sun, it’s being depressed in the summer cuz the heat makes you insane.

there is very little reason for me to be feeling this way, because my life is fine. despite the money/loan problems…things could be 4000 times worse than they are. i don’t know why i feel like complaining all the time, and why i feel so…awful. i really really need a change in my life. i need to get out of here. i wish i could defer my loans for like, psychological reasons… like, to save my sanity i need to go on an extended vacation someplace else – like cross country, or europe – and when i return, and am still sane, then i’ll pay my loans back. but nooooo you can only get them deferred if you’re still a student. i think i can sign up for ECC until the day classes start. probably even after classes start. haha.

everyone says you find yourself in college. i didn’t find a damn thing. i still need to find myself. i need to figure out who i am, and what the hell i want. for years i’ve felt like i’m on the edge…where one really bad thing could completely push me over, but so far i’ve managed to be pretty lucky in the “bad thing” department. i had my bad thing 5 years ago with psycho, and i did go over the edge, i had my breakdown…and i was fine. still on the edge, but fine. i want to be really far from the edge though…i don’t see that happening.

i feel like i’m turning into everything i never wanted to be, and everything i hate in other people. but i can’t stop it. god i feel like i should delete this whole post, because this is the kind of thing that i’d read and be like, shut the fuck up, you’re life is fine…fuck.

i’m sorry.

wow i hate geneseo. haven’t been back even 2 hours yet…

info on the mysterious letter that needs to be given to me personally… “Please stop by within any of those times and I will give you your letter. This letter is from the Dean of Students office, so it is important that you get it as soon as possible.”

STILL HAVE NO CLUE WHAT IT COULD BE!!!!!!!!!….and in other news. yeah i guess they finally turned my phone pin number off for not paying my phone bill :)…tried to call my house, yeah, didn’t work – used my cell instead. so i guess i’ll go pay it tomorrow. i think its a 10$ fee to get it turned back on. so forget that, i don’t need it. i’ll just use my cell. i’m forced to keep buying minutes for it, might as well use them, right? yeah that’s what i’m saying. maybe the letter from the dean is “you will not graduate cuz you haven’t paid your phone bill” lol

so i’m all unpacked now. everything is set up. need to go put my name on all my food tho………yeah. danielle and i went to denny’s…. yeah lovely geneseo dennys and their tiny miniscule servings.. blah. BUT they have a menu that I don’t have yet!….it’s so pretty! and it’s not the latest one that David took for me either. MUST OWN!

well rachel baldwin just called again. the dean contacted her about getting the letter to me so she’s bringing it over now… great. expect another frantic post soon…

 

have i mentioned how much i fucking HATE geneseo, and how much i fucking HATE everyone here, and EVERYONE that i’ve EVER talked to on campus.

 

i want to say i love my friends…all 6 of them. and the rest of you, i hate.

to my friends. i love you all so much. i hope you know that.

GQ: When you jump into the crowd, does anyone ever try to grab your cock?
Bono: Sometimes, yeah. Quite often you’ll feel a hand getting a hold down there.
GQ: What do you think when that happens?
Bono: Oh, mad shit. I try to lift myself out of it like Blake’s angel.
It’s not that I don’t want sex to be part of the equation, but I’m trying
to elevate it to something higher. Our job – or our mission if we decided to
accept it – was to try not to feel as if we were above sex but to make it
more than cock-rock. There’s an instict for transcendence, but there’s also
an instinct for baseness. I think the two can happily co-exist. Spirit and cock

 

“If i am close to the music, and you are close to the music, then we are close to each other.” – Bono, 2001

 

“When those people get up at the Grammys and say, ‘I thank God,’ I always imagine God going, ‘Oh, don’t- please don’t thank me for that one. Please, oh that’s an awful one! Don’t thank me for that!'” – Bono at the Grammys 2001

 

MAX: So have you actually played guitar on this album (pop)?

Bono: I’ve played guitar, some of the guitar solos are mine.

MAX: Wow.

Bono: No, they are not. At Passengers I’ve played the guitar a bit at the end of Blue Room. There is a bit of my guitar playing, but honestly it’s sad.

Larry: It is. But Bono looks great with it.

 

 

 

question. this is serious. i have this really bad feeling lately.. not of impending doom or anything. i feel as if tension is building in every one of my relationships lately (sans a few, you know who you are)…and it makes me wonder, am i really that unreasonable that things can’t be discussed with me? am i so intimidating that people don’t want to confront me with problems they may be having with me? i’m feeling very self-consious right now. i feel like i have to walk on egg shells with just about everyone around me. i don’t want to say something that can be taken the wrong way. this happens all the time, and i don’t know what it is. if there is a problem, i would expect someone to come and tell me about it. maybe i’m making all this up, and no tension exists at all…but it happens all the time. i get this feeling, and no one confronts me about anything, and then it keeps going on without being discussed until it blows up and is too late. it happened 2 years ago, and instead of confronting me about problems they took it out on danielle. and even after they took it out on danielle, they STILL didn’t mention it to me. and while this isn’t the same situation, it feels the same way.

i need to get out of here. i need to get out of her SO badly.

 

 

so i just remembered something my mom said to me this summer. well when i started hanging out with joe, of course the next logical question was “are you going out with him?”…and i said no. cuz we’re not dating. so then one day we were driving somewhere and i was talking about him, or something about the next EC show we were going to or whatever…she’s like, you aren’t going out with him? and i’m like NO! and shes like oh… do you think you ever could date him?. and i’m like WTF… you haven’t even MET the kid and you want to pawn me off on him?!?!…she never likes the guys i like…she liked Scott, and well that turned out lovely ..and she thought Tim was hot, but me and tim never had a relationship….so now she hasn’t even met joe, and she wants me to date him…trying to get rid of me or something mother?…that just kinda irritated me all of a sudden.

September 11 2001

(This is a collection of all my posts after September 11th)

september 11, 2001

what is there to say? where do i even begin? i can’t organize my thoughts into a complete sentence. i’m going to talk in numbered items. it seems to work better that way.
1. i was sitting in my 8:30am class trying not to fall asleep. suddenly i started thinking about airplanes, and how there seems to have been an increase in the number of crashes lately…aaliyah, other small air craft crashing into farms…and i was thinking that airlines really need to start doing something to make people confident to fly, or they’re going to lose alot of business…
2. i’m being totally serious about point #1. that was my thought process around quarter after 9.
3. after class i went to the health center, and one of the nurses said that two planes crashed at the World Trade Center. I thought, oh into each other near the towers…then she said, an act of terrorism and I realized she meant they hit the towers. they had the news on, so while i waited i sat there. i got called into a room, and sat there while the towers collapsed. i left around 10:30 headed back to my house where they told me the tower had collapsed. i was in complete disbelief.
4. when i saw the footage of the 2nd plane hitting the tower it was totally surreal. the impact, the explosion was right out of a movie. and i also thought ok, this is really terrible but they can repair the buildings. the fires will get put out and they’ll have to rebuild the tops of the towers.
5. if the situation seemed like a movie with the plane hitting it, the collapse was even more movie like. i spent about 10 hours watching tv, and the continuous footage from amateur cameras coming in was unbelievable. shots from different angles of the collapse, as if an arial view wasn’t unbelieveable enough. the ground views of chunks of wall falling down…people running from the dust cloud. it looked like hollywood. it’s still hard for me to comprehend that two huge towers can just collapse like they did. 12 hours ago there were two beautiful structures standing in manhattan, and now there is nothing there. i just can’t understand it. i mean i can, it’s just….really hard to imagine. i don’t know. i’m not making sense.
6. i wrote before in a different entry about how i look back at history and wanted to live in that time, and experience those things. i said that i was bored with the era of history i live in, that nothing happens. well i’m wrong. my kids are going to look at this, and i’ll be able to tell them i remember. they’re going to feel the same way i did until now, that the past was for more interesting than the present.
7. i just now realized my cousin elizabeth and her husband live in the city. he works in finance…
8. a bunch of my friends were in the city this weekend for the michael jackson concerts, and no word yet on if they are all ok.
current mood: confused
listening to: nothing

 

september 12, 2001

i still don’t know what to say. i had thought of some things before, but they have since escaped me.
anthony, sandy and laura are ok, thank god. anthony emailed us late last night, and he called Sandy who was back in PA. laura emailed us this morning as well.
anthony came out of the subway 4 blocks away after the planes hit, saw 1 of them collapse.
email from laura: “hi guys.. im okay.. i live like 3 blocks from the towers and was practically knocked out of my bed when the impact occured. one of the windows in my apartment blew out and we had to lay face down on the floor with wet t-shirts over our faces because the dust and smoke was so thick. when we could, we ran like 6 blocks to the south street seaport and got on a ferry to staten island. im at my parents house in staten island now with all of my roomates.
my father, who works for the mayors office of emergency management in the world trade center was trapped for a while. many of his friends, parteners and co workers are dead. but he is okay and is back in manhattan digging through the rubble. over 200 fire fighters are dead and thousands of civilians. my friend jeff is a marine and he has been activated for duty. we are deffintely headed for war. the entire downtown area is covered with about 5 inches of dust. there are shoes, briefcases, pocketbooks, ties, etc strewn around abandoned by people running for their lives. it looks like pictures i have seen of war torn bosnia.

please tell those who you love that you love them. never until yesterday have i feared for my life. it has changed me forever and made me realize that all that matters is life and the people whom you love.

god bless
Laura”

everything/one on campus has been really supportive it seems. alot of activities have been planned, ex) blood drive. i had 3 classes today. class#1 proff was very upset, almost started to cry. spent about 20 min discussing concerns/feelings. then we continued class in her act of defiance, that we’re not going to put our lives on hold. class#2 proff discussed how he was having a problem going on, when compared to what happened, what his lecture was supposed to be, and what he has to say is trivial. took about 15 minutes to decide what we were going to do, and stuff. class#3 proff said if anyone is having issues, to go talk to a counselor the school has provided. that was all he said. that reminds me that i was approached by a counselor yesterday in the union when we went to find out about giving blood. they were walking around and talked to people. the red cross was set up at a table, and had forms to fill out if you were looking for someone who is missing. the response, and everything, on campus was so quick i was really surprised.

i still don’t know what i feel or how to feel. me, the least patriotic person around is having issues dealing with this. well i don’t know if i’d use the term issues. it’s still so unreal. i could blab on about how the essential foundations of america have been shaken/shattered with the attack on the towers…that the towers were symbols for america. but i’m not sure i feel that way. every politician is going to say that, because it sounds good.

we can’t, as a nation, and i can’t as an individual become paranoid because of what has happened. i’m not going to stop flying, i’m not going to be scared to enter a building. we can’t start living our lives in a perpetual state of paranoia. yes this was absolutely horrifying, beyond belief, but we cannot become paralyzed by fear.

i don’t know what to say. i need to go look at my old airplane crash dreams. one of them, the airplane crashed into a sky scraper.

current mood: still confused
listening to: nothing

 

i had this thought that so many other people have had i’m sure. our country is partially paralyzed by the attacks on tuesday…what better time to hit us again than now? i’m not being paranoid, really. it was just a thought. a thought that i wouldnt be surprised if it happened.

i had a dream last night about trains. it was on the train track on river road, lots of people were standing around. a train went by slowly, and then from down the street, a train with 2 cars went and got onto the tracks. there was no device to get on the tracks like you need for trains, it just went on, and got the wheels lined up and went. the other train came by a few times, one time going off the tracks.

why am i mentioning this here and not on my dream site…this morning cnn reported that 2 trains crashed and derailed in Utah. I AM NOT SAYING IM PSYCHIC….it’s just weird. and with the random thoughts about airplanes in the middle of my morning class tuesday around the time of the attacks….just, very bizzare.

i went to a forum in the union regarding tuesday. i left feeling worse than i have since tuesday. people really irritate me. i don’t want to go into details, but people need to be informed about what the US government has done in the past to alienate so many countries, and to cause such hatred for Americans. People talking about being a target purely because were a democracy and a free and open society need to take a history course. The extreme amount of patriotic rhetoric being repeated from various political speeches is irritating, because this has NOTHING to do with the fact that we’re a free society. This isn’t the fucking cold war, where communists are fighting the capitalist way of life. Patriotism and standing behind Bush isn’t going to do anything.

i don’t know what my point is.

current mood: upset
listening to: nothing

 

september 13, 2001

danielle’s mom said Buffalo News is running a photo of the towers billowing smoke upon manhattan and you can, apparantly, clearly see the traditional image of satan in the smoke. haven’t seen it yet, can’t find it on buffalonews.com. if true, very creepy. could be more of a roreshak test type of thing, *wiggles fingers mysteriously* what do you see in the ink blot…going home tomorrow, and while we don’t get the news paper, neighbors do. will see what i can find.

i’m so completely drained and exhausted

current mood: see above

 

september 18, 2001

What is Jihad? The term is familar to me, we spoke about it breifly in Global Studies in 10th grade. Needless to say I don’t know much about it. I think it was something to do with Iran… I mean I know it’s an Islam thing, but we discussed it in relavence to Iran.

Yahoo news today had an article about the Taliban declaring Jihad on the US. That it is an Islamic holy war. Ok, if so, what exactly does that mean for those of us in the US. Does that mean more airliners crashing into various buildings?…is that foot soldiers invading towns and making you pledge allegiance to Allah?…While this is probably being discussed in history classrooms, there is no place for me to go to find out what exactly Jihad is.

And then there is another problem of our Western thought, and biases painting a picture of Jihad as being a really bad thing. Just like Islam has been painted as being a really bad religion. I am smart enough to think for myself and draw my own conclusions. I realize that the terrorists who attacked the US last week claim to be Islamic but that does not mean their actions were condoned by the rest of the Islamic world. Just like all Christians wouldn’t condone Crusades.

So I traveled to a few websites about Jihad. The contradictions in the various sites blew my mind. Of course I realize interpretations of scripture in any religion can vary and be seen as completely contradictory. But for example, one site said that Jihad is a holy war, and it took the stand that Jihad is used to force complete submission to Allah on unbelievers or infidels, and that those who do not submit have a choice to either pay taxes or be killed. Another site said that Jihad is not a holy war, but a war against an unjust regime. It said that in peace and war that Islam prohibits terrorism, kidnapping, hijacking when it involves civilians, and that it prohibits the destruction of civilian constructions. Anyone who kills civilians are murderers and should be punished. The killing of civilian women, children, elderly and religious men is prohibited. So right there, the terrorists broke every Islam belief about Jihad, if that site is true.

I did find a site that provided, what I thought to be, a more logical and uncontradictory view. It was at submission.org. While I still don’t understand what Jihad is or what it would entail the site provided more light on the concept.

I still need someone to explain to me Jihad, what it is, what would happen if there is a Jihad…etc. Maybe a history major who has some knowledge of previous Jihads. So if this is you, if you can help me at all EMAIL ME!

Now…a week has gone by. This time last week I was sitting on Katie’s bed with Leah and her friend staring at the clips of the plane hitting the tower and the towers collapsing, over and over again. A few things have cemented in my mind regarding the whole thing.
1) While I was unsure of my feelings on the outpouring of patriotism the past week, I am sure now that it disturbs me greatly. For one, most of the people who are claiming total support of Bush, and total faith in our government have absolutely no idea about anything to do with our government or our history. Many of these same people are spouting on about how it was an attack on democracy, and it was because we are a free and open society (hmm…yes I hear Dubya coming out of your mouth…”the brightest beacon of freedom…” gag me) when this has NOTHING to do with it. Logical thought processes will lead you away from that idea at the speed of light. I realize there are alot of people in the US who are patriotic to begin with, and I realize there are people who are patriotic and may not show it, but this sudden patriotism from almost everybody around….i don’t want to say it annoys me, or irritates me…it just doesn’t sit right with me.
2) I definitely don’t like the use of the word “evil” in describing the attacks. There was nothing evil about it. Sure it was absolutely horrifying and terrible and should never happen again. But evil is not the word to describe that. The attack was pure genius, you have to give them that, whether or not you think it was justified, or whatever. Very few people could have conceptualized it not to mention pulled it off.
3) I think we’re headed for a really bad place in the future. If we go into war, this new war as they call it, whatever that means…I’m not sure it’s one we can win. For one thing, bombing Afghanistan is not going to make a difference, since the country looks like the surface of the moon to begin with. No one is explaining what this “new war” is…just that we have to find the people responsible and see that justice is served…spectacular. Of course something needs to be done in response to what happened, but nothing we can do short of exterminate every human on earth, will prevent something like this from happening again. Anyone who honestly believes that extra security on airplanes, and not letting any kind of knife, even plastic, on an airplane is going to prevent this kind of attack is wrong. Sure there might never be another hijacking of an airplane again, and maybe there will never be another crash of an airplane into a building…but they’ll just find some other way. Killing the leaders of terrorists groups will do nothing, because there will always be a new leader, there will always be new groups who dislike other groups. So what the hell is the point of even trying?

I have no idea where I’m going with this. I’m going to stop now. Well one more thing, I’m slightly disturbed by the fact that life, around here at least, has gone back to complete normalcy. While I don’t expect the world to mourn forever, and I recognize the benefits of returning to normalcy as soon as possible, without prompting on my part, no one has spoken a word about what happened since Saturday night when I got back from home. While I am slightly tired of talking about the attack itself, there are so many other implications that can be and should be discussed. My emotional reaction to what happened is gone, and I’m glad, because I need to have my mental state back to normal for me to function….but there are so many new issues that have come up that should be discussed, the fact that they’re not is disturbing. The fact that people are still so completely uninformed that they go around with their flags, yay USA, we are the best, is terribly irritating. I want to smack them and say WHY DONT YOU USE YOUR OWN MIND!

september 16, 2001

i think my secondary reaction to what happened tuesday has come and gone. thursday was, by far, the worst day for me. everyone said it would start to sink in to people at different times, and it was going to get harder before it got easier. they were all right. but i’m ok now. aside from the feeling of impending doom i have every now and then, i’ve pretty much gotten a handle on everything, and i can now start to catch up on all the work i didn’t do this week. this feeling of impending doom is weird, cuz it tends to only happen in the dark. and i don’t know why, because while the future of the US, and the world, is at stake depending on what Dubya does with his “war”, i’m not that scared. if i really, really think about it, i realize what a full scale war could do to the US (since afterall this “war” started in a rather bizarre way, what’s to guarantee that more of these kamikaze type bombings wouldn’t occur). it is a scary thought to think that the only way a war could be waged on the US by a terrorist group would be the continuous slamming of airplanes into important buildings. but ANYWAY, back to my original train of thought, i’m not scared. i’m not scared of going on an airplane or any of that stuff. so this impending doom…don’t quite understand it. i’ve been ok today so far tho.
went home yesterday, watched 2 bizarre movies with my parents, and of course, discussed what happened. my dad said that for a minute wednesday morning, when he woke up, he thought it had all been a dream. then he remembered that it hadn’t been. when i was driving home an airplane had just taken off from the Buffalo airport as i drove by. it was very strange. it’s hard to look at an airplane in the sky and not see it smashing into the tower. my dad said the same thing. since i have reoccuring dreams about plane crashes to begin with, i tend to stare at airplanes, especially low flying ones, to see if they’re going to crash. i’m weird, i know.

anyway, i got a hold of the article with “satan” in the smoke. I scanned it, 3 times. it’s hard to scan news print. will post them tomorrow, i’m tired now. and i don’t feel like typing in the html code. and i also have to resize them lol. so tomorrow. i showed it to some people already, it is kinda creepy whether or not you think its god or satan or just a face. it’s still creepy.

september 20, 2001

i find it extremely irritating and unnecessary that all these people are being so incredibly cautious regarding what happened last week….bands are changing videos, song lyrics, album art because of things that slightly maybe resemble a small piece of something that might have happened during the attacks. radio stations are editing playlists to omit songs that may be offensive because of one word that implies terrorism….or an airplane!!….ooooh cant play “leaving on a jet plane” anymore… that’s bad. we gotta go and change entire scenes in movies cuz in the background of a shot there is a picture of the towers….
thats fucking ridiculous. you can’t go tip toeing around about all this. ITS BEING SHOVED IN OUR FACES EVERY TIME WE TURN ON THE TV. You can’t watch tv for 5 minutes without seeing the plane smash into tower 2…i think that images has been imprinted on every person in the world with a TV’s brain. So what the hell does it matter if a song by the band Bush has 2 words in some song on their new album that says “terrorist within” or whatever…

retards…everyone.