*edit* THIS IS ABSOULTELY NOT ABOUT ANY OF YOU READING*/edit*
i finished reading the fannie flagg book “standing in the rainbow”….it was good, cute, a very “her” book, but not as good as “daisy fay” or “fried green tomatoes”.
leighanne said i had to read a salinger book next, but it was not readily available when i realized i needed something to read before bed the other night. so i started this book called “the autobiography of vivian.” it’s about a college grad who moves to nyc on a whim.
this is a book that i would have written. it’s funny because in the prologue, she says you’ll feel like you’re reading about yourself. and i swear this book is about me LOL. if i thought i was interesting enough to warrant having an autobiography, this is what i’d write….it’s like my blog, but more interesting, complete with comments in parenthesis in the middle of a sentence, and quotes from 80s movies….
and then the scary part…
it’s also complete with the abusive relationship, and thus continuing relationship issues part. for those of you who might not know this about me, i was in a sort of abusive relationship in high school. it was never physically abusive, but it was quite a bit emotionally abusive in that “it’s all your fault, you are useless, no one will ever love you, sort of way.” and this book kind of hit me, because it really made me wonder if i am really scarred as deeply as i suddenly realized i may be….she’s on a job interview and is looking in the mirror and suddenly hears her ex’s voice telling her that she’s worthless, and just a piece of ass, and no one will ever love her or respect her.
and while i can’t say that i consciously think about “psycho” and definitely do not hear him telling me that no one will ever love me like he did, and that when i’m with some guy who hits me i’ll think of him and how good he treated me (he did tell me that), i really wonder if there is residue from that relationship that makes me let people walk all over me. i really wonder if he’s the reason why i think that i’ll never find someone who is going to love me, and the reason why i grasp at any straw offered in hope that i will, and that i’ll find happiness somehow. the reason why i let myself be a complete idiot a year ago. the reason why i don’t ever want to rock the boat, and avoid confrontation at all costs. the reason communication and talking and feeling anything is bad. the reason why i can’t stand up for myself and say no, i deserve better than this, no matter what this may be (work, home, life, relationships).
i should just delete this. it’s going to be massively misinterpreted. to clarify, i’m not thinking about any one thing, or event, or person in this rant. i’m not talking about you, or about my life right now. just in general.
regrets, regrets…i still don’t have any. i like to tell myself that everything i’ve done, every choice i’ve made, every thing that’s happened to me has made me who i am today. that my relationship with “psycho” made me stronger. it’s just that i suddenly realized that i’m not. i used to think that being with him made me realize what it is that i want, and what i don’t want, and what i won’t tolerate, and how i deserve to be treated. but then i realized that i don’t act that way, and i don’t demand respect, and i let myself be taken advantage of.
it’s just that all i want is to be happy. i’m a good person, i’ve been a good person all my life, i’ve never done anything wrong/bad. i think i deserve to be happy.
and what song do i have in my head right now? “i knew you were waiting for me” – george michael and aretha franklin….
i really should delete this.
part of me wants to run into psycho and tell him i’m a lesbian (a different, but amusing story), the other part of me wants to just prove him wrong. but i know if/when i see him again i’ll just want to throw up (like that last time i saw him with his 2 kids…gah that could have been me!). i was thrilled to no end when nate and i ran into his mother (who hated me, yet called out to me when we saw her) at the mall before nate left. i got to be smug and think, hi i’m really happy and i have a great life not to mention this incredibly hot boyfriend, and all you have is your white trash psychotic abusive son with his wife and 2 kids. ha it’s funny, cuz after we walked away i asked nate if i looked good, i wanted to make sure she went home to tell him i looked hot and had a hot boyfriend. ha.
but vivian is the coolest…she ran into bono in an elevator at vh1 and she invented a word i must find a way into my everyday vocabulary: tanorexic