just want to say

you are such a manipulative, liar, fake, user. i don’t know how you live with yourself. anyone who believes a word you say deserves to find out the hard way how much you’ve fooled them. i feel bad for them. i hope they wake up sooner rather than later. enjoy your delusions while they last.

the end.

ok so i called him. he didnt say anything about being mad at me or anything. he wanted to go see saw 2 tonight but it’s snowing and cold and i’m anti social and don’t feel like leaving the house again so we’re going to go tomorrow. he was sorta blah when i said i didn’t want to leave the house tonight. i still think it’s over. but i think we’ll be able to be friends. we’ll see i guess. i honestly don’t care.

my shrink suggested i try to join some clubs, or take some fun classes at a college, and stuff to try to replace my old friends with new ones. i complain that i don’t know and don’t meet anyone new who understands at all what i like to do, and what i’m interested in, let alone being interested in the same things too. so he figures if i take a photog class or something i’ll meet other people who have the same interest. which is all fine and good except that i’m not a joiner, and even when i take classes i don’t meet people cuz i don’t talk to anyone. 4 years in college and the only friends i had there were the people i lived with over the 4 years. i don’t think he understands that i have a fundamental problem being too shy to talk to people, and that i’m anti social and don’t LIKE to talk to people. if i was able to talk to people and be friendly, i meet people all the time at work – i’d have tons of friends. but that plus the fact that i don’t have anything in common with most people my age creates a serious problem when trying to fill the empty holes people made and left in my life.

but i’m going to try. i probably will look into what CEPA is offering, and maybe take something at NCCC next semester. jeff ingersoll sent me a thing about the center for inquiry open house on saturday, so i might go to that. see what kind of other skeptics and athiest people i can meet. they do alot of interesting stuff (like haunted house investigations and paranormal stuff), so it’ll be neat. everyone there will probably be older than me too but oh well. i’ll probably sleep all day anyway and miss it. other than that though i don’t have a clue on what kind of things to look for and join. someone else suggested internet stuff, that they meet alot of people with the same interests on the net. and that’s true, i used to LIVE on irc because it was the only place i could find people who were mjfans too. but living in a chatroom is something i’m not too particularly interested in doing anymore, no matter how long i sit on my computer, and not very fulfilling since i still don’t have anyone to just like…go to dinner with or anything. there are tons of urbexers out there, and i’ve met some good people, but i’ve also met alot of ridiculously socially inept people from the boards too haha. this hobby doesn’t really appeal to the normal talkative outgoing type usually. and most of the buffalo explorers are retards so – not interested.

my shit schedule doesn’t really help much either.

i need to email jerry. i miss him.

and all that could have been

so. i think me and tommy are caput. for real this time. i think he’s grown tired of me and my issues finally. haven’t seen him since before halloween, didn’t talk to him at all during my vacation. i called him on friday, and even after 10 days without talking to him we had nothing to say to eachother. he asked how the trip was, and i said, “i don’t know what to tell you since you don’t like the band.” and he was like “your right”. so. had nothing to say. and he doesn’t do anything but stay home and play xbox since he can’t drive, so he had nothing to say to me either. i didn’t feel like going over there, so i stayed home. he called saturday to go to lunch but i was at my parents getting my tires changed. and i haven’t heard from him since. i don’t know. maybe he’ll call tomorrow since it’s my day off. i don’t really care, cuz it’s not like i’m happy. and it’s not like it hasn’t been down hill since…july. and it’s not like we didn’t break up 3 times in august. it’s not like i approve of him starting to drink again, even if it is just socially. there are issues, and have been since the start. so i’m not upset. but i kinda don’t like this ending, if this is how it’s going to be – just him not calling me, and me not calling him. there’s no real resolution there. and also no try at being friends. when we kept breaking up a few months ago, we were going to be friends. it was a problem for him since he’s in love with me. i can’t be anything more than a friend to him, and i would like to do so. i don’t know. if we are just going to stop talking, i really have no one to hang out with anymore, and no friends. ah well. such is life. i’m actually sort of scared to talk to him about this, cuz i can envision him being really pissed off, and saying alot of hurtful things that he doesn’t really mean. and that right there is probably yet another reason that this should be over.

it was strange/funny…for some reason i was talking about him in toronto before the show, and how we have nothing in common and nothing to talk about, and that he doesn’t like music at all. vanessa, one of the french girls we met, just said “break up with him!!!” haha. it was funny, and appropriate. because really…i think i really need to be with someone who at least shares SOME common interest with me. i don’t have many things in my life that are important, but my music, and going to shows, and urbex…they are important to me. i realize i have strange interests at times, but there are people out there that i have more in common with. my relationship with him will never work. we are just not on the same level, don’t like the same things, and the things we do like just aren’t enough. so again. i don’t feel bad. i’d just like this to officially end different. on a high note let’s say.

that and i have relationship issues at the moment, and i don’t want to be with anyone. i don’t even want to think about being with someone. i’ve gotten a strange phobia about all this. i’m not going to go any more into it than that.

he probably thinks i cheated on him or something, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

you can say i’m lame, or cliche or whatever – but i really learned alot about what i want from life on the mini tour. almost always started thinking about it during “right where it belongs” because the visuals projected on the curtain during the song are basically everything i DON’T want out of my life. i don’t want the republican white picket fence of suburbia and 2.5 children, and a boring, repetitive, monotonous, perscription drug filled life. so maybe i do get married, and i do have kids, i still don’t want to become settled and boring. and i don’t want what i have now, but i realize i’m such a hypocrit, and that i’m completely scared to do anything to change my life. so there’s no need to point it out.

i don’t know. this went somewhere it wasn’t supposed to go. i’ll just stop now.

in other news. i’ve decided to give my u2 buffalo tickets to kate, incase for some reason i don’t come home from california. she can still go to the show, and sell my ticket. i figure i will be here for the show, but in the off chance that someone on the tour decides to give me passes to the kroq almost acoustic christmas in LA, i’m so totally going to it. fuck u2 i am going to see nin acoustic. of course, as i said, i doubt this will happen. gotta have a contingency plan though, just in case.

and i started plastic sealing up my windows. the one office window went well, the other i’ve done twice now and it won’t stick. stupid painted window sill. a friend at work mentioned that someone she knows who makes more than me got aid to pay for heating bills from the government, so she’s going to get me the info. it would be nice not to have to pay a 200$ gas bill by myself.

and i’m sick again. still in the “getting” sick stage, but definitely getting worse by the hour. i go to the shrink tomorrow. i feel like taking him nin lyrics and being like “this is me.” but i won’t. unless he asks me to. and i’m cutting my hair off on thursday.

*edit* THIS IS ABSOULTELY NOT ABOUT ANY OF YOU READING*/edit*

i finished reading the fannie flagg book “standing in the rainbow”….it was good, cute, a very “her” book, but not as good as “daisy fay” or “fried green tomatoes”.

leighanne said i had to read a salinger book next, but it was not readily available when i realized i needed something to read before bed the other night. so i started this book called “the autobiography of vivian.” it’s about a college grad who moves to nyc on a whim.

this is a book that i would have written. it’s funny because in the prologue, she says you’ll feel like you’re reading about yourself. and i swear this book is about me LOL. if i thought i was interesting enough to warrant having an autobiography, this is what i’d write….it’s like my blog, but more interesting, complete with comments in parenthesis in the middle of a sentence, and quotes from 80s movies….

and then the scary part…

it’s also complete with the abusive relationship, and thus continuing relationship issues part. for those of you who might not know this about me, i was in a sort of abusive relationship in high school. it was never physically abusive, but it was quite a bit emotionally abusive in that “it’s all your fault, you are useless, no one will ever love you, sort of way.” and this book kind of hit me, because it really made me wonder if i am really scarred as deeply as i suddenly realized i may be….she’s on a job interview and is looking in the mirror and suddenly hears her ex’s voice telling her that she’s worthless, and just a piece of ass, and no one will ever love her or respect her.

and while i can’t say that i consciously think about “psycho” and definitely do not hear him telling me that no one will ever love me like he did, and that when i’m with some guy who hits me i’ll think of him and how good he treated me (he did tell me that), i really wonder if there is residue from that relationship that makes me let people walk all over me. i really wonder if he’s the reason why i think that i’ll never find someone who is going to love me, and the reason why i grasp at any straw offered in hope that i will, and that i’ll find happiness somehow. the reason why i let myself be a complete idiot a year ago. the reason why i don’t ever want to rock the boat, and avoid confrontation at all costs. the reason communication and talking and feeling anything is bad. the reason why i can’t stand up for myself and say no, i deserve better than this, no matter what this may be (work, home, life, relationships).

i should just delete this. it’s going to be massively misinterpreted. to clarify, i’m not thinking about any one thing, or event, or person in this rant. i’m not talking about you, or about my life right now. just in general.

regrets, regrets…i still don’t have any. i like to tell myself that everything i’ve done, every choice i’ve made, every thing that’s happened to me has made me who i am today. that my relationship with “psycho” made me stronger. it’s just that i suddenly realized that i’m not. i used to think that being with him made me realize what it is that i want, and what i don’t want, and what i won’t tolerate, and how i deserve to be treated. but then i realized that i don’t act that way, and i don’t demand respect, and i let myself be taken advantage of.

it’s just that all i want is to be happy. i’m a good person, i’ve been a good person all my life, i’ve never done anything wrong/bad. i think i deserve to be happy.

and what song do i have in my head right now? “i knew you were waiting for me” – george michael and aretha franklin….

i really should delete this.

part of me wants to run into psycho and tell him i’m a lesbian (a different, but amusing story), the other part of me wants to just prove him wrong. but i know if/when i see him again i’ll just want to throw up (like that last time i saw him with his 2 kids…gah that could have been me!). i was thrilled to no end when nate and i ran into his mother (who hated me, yet called out to me when we saw her) at the mall before nate left. i got to be smug and think, hi i’m really happy and i have a great life not to mention this incredibly hot boyfriend, and all you have is your white trash psychotic abusive son with his wife and 2 kids. ha it’s funny, cuz after we walked away i asked nate if i looked good, i wanted to make sure she went home to tell him i looked hot and had a hot boyfriend. ha.

but vivian is the coolest…she ran into bono in an elevator at vh1 and she invented a word i must find a way into my everyday vocabulary: tanorexic

 

 

i hate me. i hate you. and you and you and you. and i hate it. and i hate them. and i hate us. and i hate me. and i hate my head. and i hate my heart. and i hate you. and i hate everything.

trying very very hard not to do what i think i need to do, because that’s not how i want things to be. but i can’t take this anymore.

awiepjru salfija w;oeiur as;oiefuj wa;oeiur as;odfi jalsdfj

i’ll be fine. i’m always fine.

i dreamed i was at a hockey game, way up in the 300 level. at one point during the game they turned a spotlight on and highlighted a person sitting in the very last row. it was wayne gretzky. and duran duran was standing around him singing to him. wayne was not happy. simon lebon was like, you’re wayne gretzky why are you sitting up in the 300s. wayne said it was because he didn’t want to be noticed by anyone, and now here were duran duran singing to him. so he was pissed. i was like, hello, you’re wayne gretzky and you’re at a hockey game, as if no one is going to recognize you.

 

 

 

i don’t know where this ramble is going to go, i’m feeling very emotional and full of selfpity at the moment, so bear with me. or don’t read it, i could care less.

but just a reminder. i’m still on vacation til monday night, so if anyone needs a companion the next 3 days, even if just for stupid mundane errands, or if anyone needs to be entertained or to do entertaining, i’m here.

this is spurred on by a number of things, one being the article about introverts.

on monday james told me i’m not as mysterious as i think i am. i try to be mysterious but i don’t feel that i succeed because i have nothing to be mysterious about. my life is an open book, i have nothing to hide. anything you want to know about me you can either ask, or read the archives i’m sure it’s in there somewhere. of course there are things i don’t readily talk about but i will if you ask. i don’t talk about when i was 16 much, it’s not something i like to think about. plain and simple.

my attempt at being mysterious is for my own benefit. because whenever i get too close to people, or people know too much about me, they use it against me. i always get hurt. i always get screwed over. so it’s a defense mechanism. you know, you get tired of being screwed over after a while.

but like i said, i have nothing to be mysterious about. which is why i think my screen name is so appropriate. vacant enigma. a mystery that when you get down to the center, is completely empty. best way i can think of to describe me.

but maybe my apparent lack of convincing mystery is due to the people telling me i’m not mysterious. i’ve tried to shape myself and shape my life in such a way…a way i can’t put into words, but i’ve done what i’ve done to make myself into the person i want to be. and i’m mostly happy with who i am. moreso i am happy with who i appear to be. that didn’t come out right.

i’m happy that the people that are in my life now see me for who i really am. these people who say i’m a bitch because i’m an introvert and don’t talk to them, or many people at work. they know nothing about me. they can’t see who i really am. and i don’t want them in my life for that reason. i don’t have alot of friends, mostly because the people i meet, i have no desire to be friends with. the people i want to be friends with…it feels like we’ve been friends for ages. like it was supposed to happen or be that way. i’m friends with people who can see through me.

maybe i’m not mysterious because i’ve let you see me. i’ve let you see me cuz i know you already can. i can think of 4 people, all male, who can see me and appreciate me for who i am. people i haven’t had to explain myself to for the most part, because they can already see it. – but maybe i’m completely wrong about all of this. maybe they don’t see me. the most important part…. (i think) they appreciate me for who i am. and that means the world to me, because that’s all i’ve ever wanted. i’m thrilled, in a way, to hear them describe me in the exact way i’ve always wished to be percieved.

i think part of this is why i get along with significantly older people more than with people my own age. older adults “get me” where as most people my age completely don’t. i don’t go out and party and sleep around and do the things so called “normal” people in their 20s do. it absolutely does not interest me in the slightest. i tell older adults the things i do and they are captivated by it. they think i’m interesting. people my age think i’m weird. i get asked about my photography, and i explain what i do, and what i like, and i get blank stares. at least older adults have perfect the art of feigning interest, if they don’t “get me”.

maybe i’m completely wrong about all of this. maybe no one does see me. maybe i remain the angst filled misunderstood person that i think i always was.

i don’t know. i don’t know anything anymore.

 

 

 

dunno what’s going on tonight. brian mentioned going to jasens. i told him to let me know what was going on, haven’t heard from him. it is so grossly humid out now. blah i feel sticky and gross.

going to clean now cuz the landlord is showing someone my apartment tomorrow. and i can go get the new apt keys tomorrow too yay.

i think i need to fall off the radar for a while. disappear. my vacation can’t come soon enough. i need to get away from my life, and my head, and my stupidity, and my job, and everything in between.

what i need is for people to stop fucking with me. i’m so tired of it. i’m tired of being in pain all the time, i’m tired of being upset, i’m tired of crying. i’m just tired.

i feel like i’m caught up in one giant tornado of a lie. my own, and everyone elses.

no i’m not ok. i haven’t been “ok” for a while now. but i do a pretty good job of hiding it, wouldn’t you think? i’ve perfected the art of “hiding it”.

oh and don’t worry about me. i’ll be fine. sara is always fine. just self destructive tendancies, that’s all. i can’t possibly let myself be happy for too long. it’s just not me.

god i’m just so tired of it all.

but if you’re a long time friend/reader you’ll know my disapearances never last very long. i’m sure i’ll be around in a day or two…hell i could be back later today.

last thoughts: cut….the….shit. please, i beg.

this week last year was one of the worst weeks in my life. the week when my heart was torn out and trampled on. i want to read my entries from last year but i can’t, it still hurts too much. i keep trying not to think about it, but it keeps popping up. i can remember every heart breaking moment of what occurred. and it still hurts. and i hate it.

i try to remember what john said to me when he made me cry at work asking me about nate. that it was his mistake, he lost me and can never have me back. i try to think that way. it doesn’t work very well.

apparently philly did get hit with the storm, all kinds of stuff delayed and cancelled. i went to the airport site, and there are 2 flights to paris today, both at 5:20 and both on time still. so that seems like a good sign that nate will get to leave today. i’ll have to check later to see for sure. i’ll really really laugh if it gets cancelled. *update* as of 4:26pm, whatever flight he is on, is still on schedule. he’s probably at the airport now. (after the fiasco on tuesday, i’d hope he got there way early this time)…and i remembered he had hoped philly wouldn’t be as cold as it was in buffalo, cuz all he had on was a hoodie sweatshirt and wind breaker…why bring a winter leather jacket to the sahara? poor freezing nate.

so…i had orientation at the casino today. typical orientation stuff – filling out lots of forms, tax stuff, fitted for uniforms (interesting fact…since i’m not a dork and i don’t wear my pants around my “real” waist, i buy pants for myself that are usually around a size 8, but if i wanted to wear pants “correctly” i wear a size 4…), got fingerprinted, had drug test…the finger printer state trooper guy was hard core flirting with me. apparently he was near 40 years old, but you’d never have known. this whole thing should be pretty interesting. exciting even. i signed a confidentiality statement, so i can’t talk about any of it 🙂

hmm…what else. i was doing ok with the crying stuff until i got home and checked my email. everyone’s been so supportive to me, people i haven’t talked to in forever, and it’s touching. it makes me cry. i think i’m handling all this way better than anyone (even myself) anticipated. because i’m not really upset. over emotional still, yes… (anything is setting me off)…but i wouldn’t consider myself depressed or anything…just sad. i can think about nate, and what he’s doing, and even what we’d done together the last 3 months and be fine. it’s really only when i think of losing touch with him, and thinking about my own future (job, relationships, etc) that i get sorta upset and start to cry. because i’m really fucking scared.

i think my parents were expecting me to go off the deep end with this, and i’m very far from the edge. i’ve felt closer to the edge other times in my life, but not now. i have this tendency to be a bit self destructive when things start to go bad – where i wouldn’t mind if bad things happened to me, and think it would be better if i…say…got into a car accident…and i’m not really having that now. i did a little bit. i had the urge to destroy things. i had the urge to isolate myself from everyone. but like i said, i wouldn’t even consider myself depressed. both my parents apparently thought i’d become a giant hermit and never leave my room. i’m not sure how that is any different than i always am…but…whatever. i think they should be happy i’m doing as well as i am. alot of people would have freaked out way more.

so cuz of all this, i don’t really know how i feel anymore. sometimes i start to feel bad that i’m handling this as well as i am. i think maybe i should be more upset. but it has been the same throughout my life, i can get over things, and forget feelings fairly quickly. i’m not saying i’m over him, or anything like that…but just that i’m not going to let what i feel bother me (or try not to). even if i’m doing this, and handling things this way, just so that nate doesn’t have to worry about me. i’ll be better off in the long run.

i think i’d be handling all this much worse if we had broken up in a different way…like if he decided he didn’t like me anymore, and here i am still in love with him… i’d be much more distraught than having to break up cuz he’ll be gone for 2 years. like i said in my other post, i know how he feels about me. and knowing that makes it slightly easier.

something that i think is weird though is…i’m a big music fan as everyone knows, and it’s really easy for me to attach certain songs to certain people. and it’s weird that i don’t really have any attachments between nate and music. i do if i think about it…but i dont have anything that when i hear it i automatically think of him. i don’t know if this is good or bad. with psycho i had really violently bad reactions to certain songs because it would bring back bad memories. i’d feel physically sick listening to U2’s pop cd because of him – until last summer. same with U2’s “one” – couldn’t listen to it for years after i dated him without feeling sick. but i have none of this with nate. i could have attachments between U2’s achtung baby and nate (weird that it’s all u2 stuff), but i don’t unless i think about it. i know the associations between the cd and nate, but it’s not this automatic reaction like i used to get with stuff and psycho. maybe it’s only cuz with psycho things were awful. i’d like to have happy memories with songs tho…

despite all that, there are some songs that are seriously getting to me lately…like Pearl Jam/Aaron Lewis “black”…god i can’t even think about that song without crying…econoline crush “close”…”razorblades and bandaids”…that sugarcult song a bit…and despite how i think i’m handling this well, and doing ok… i am highly emotionally unstable, and the littlest things…like fucking homer simpson telling marge he loves her…really get to me. any kind of display of affection or talk about love or any of that…really getting to me. any show of support from my friends makes me cry… my mom saying anything supportive makes me cry…it’s very strange. i want it to go away LOL…i hate crying.

i’ve cried more in the past year than i think i have my entire life…between shit at geneseo last january, my weird reaction to graduation, shit with nate, shit with my friends upsetting me (until i realized its not my problem)…yeah. it’s been a strange year.

it’s over. done.

i managed to get an extra 3 hours with nate – he missed his flight. i got there way before they did, and the line for USAir was super insanely long. so when he got there, he tried to do curbside check in. we waited in the 0 degree air, and they wouldn’t let him check in there. so we went into the inside line, he tried to do e-check in but he was too late to do that. so 7:20 came and went and we were still at the end of the line. even if we had made it to the front, the security check line was out to both walls of the airport.

so he was put on standby for the 11:30 flight but it’s 5 people overbooked so it’s unlikely he’ll get that flight either. he’s got a definite seat on the 3:15 flight – but that means he’ll be 4 hours late for peace corps check in stuff. not much that can be done though.

waited around in the restaurant with him and his parents for a while. his mom left to go to work, then his dad left and it was just the two of us. i stayed with him until he decided to go through security and go to the gate. i hate that you can’t go to the gate with people anymore – i would have stayed there all day until he got onto the plane…anyway. he said he had to go because it was getting way too hard for him to stay there with me. i was good with the crying until both his parents left. but even then, i was good. way better than i expected. not so good anymore though. everything is really final now. fucking africa…it’s hard to wrap my mind around that. he’s going to africa for 2 years. it’s sinking in that in 2 years i’ll be doing all kinds of stuff, and he won’t be here to share it with me, or for me to tell him about it – even in a friend capacity. that is what is making it hard for me now.

i don’t know what else to say. i do want to thank everyone who has expressed their concern for me, or offered their help/support/whatever. i appreciate it.

 

i got out of the house for a while after my aunt called and i cried more. i took my b&w film to get developed, and went to the grocery store for my mom. came back home, she got home later. cried more. scanned the above pictures, and got adrienne to go pick up my film with me. except it wasn’t finished – they’re retards. it’ll be done tomorrow by 5. we stopped at party city to buy xmas cards and came back here and sat around. i managed not to cry while she was here. wanted to a few times, but was able to avoid it. watched the osbournes, wanted to cry. took adr home after osbournes, and here i am.