i was scheduled in the high roller pit ..that just doesn’t happen. the times i’ve been in there, i’ve been reassigned there. but it lasted 20 min. 20 min of me being on break, cuz i was supposed to be relief. then spent the next hour on break…i was sent to the slums, pit 6, to be relief on 2 tables that weren’t open yet. hense 3 more breaks. spent the night cleaning up after the new dealers i was tapping out. it was fun. i was in the zone lol. brendan was supposed to be my sup on 2 of the tables, but it got changed around. he cracks me up. he was asking about my photography stuff, and i was telling him about the terminal. he’s like, yeah i used to go up top as a kid. i was like OMG you know what i’m talking about. no one ever knows what i’m talking about haha. i got jenn all interested now too, she wants to go with me on one of the tours. but brendan, gah, he just won’t stop flirting with me lol. it was bad today. not as bad as john always was, but still bad.

anyway. i totally gotta do something to my hair. i guess i’ll just dye it again. i really want to cut it off short tho too. if i do that, i’d dye it black again, but…i do still wanna try to keep growing it out, so i guess red it is, again. and i want to get something pierced. we’ll see.

gonna get all the rest of my pics from last weekend up tomorrow. i’ll post highlights when the time comes.

i got a letter from nate. i almost wish i hadn’t. at least i know he’s alive. why the hell am i crying? i hate this. it’s so frustrating. he has gotten all my stuff, my packages, my letters, but didn’t write back til june. i wrote in his letters about the stuff with john, and he writes that he’s seeing some 27 year old girl, where things went south, but it doesn’t mean they’re not sleeping together – and that makes me mad. what do i expect, when i wrote to him about dating. fuck. i really hate this. i should be happy that he still at least thinks of me over there, and made an attempt to contact me, even if i’ve gotten 2 letters from him and i’ve sent him about 10. i hate him. at this moment, i hate him. for no good reason. maybe a part of me still believed that the whole way things were with us, or at least how things were with me, that there was something unknown about our relationship that would bring us back together in the end. maybe i was still stupidly holding on to hope that he’d go over there and realize how much i meant to him. fuck. i hate myself.