work was good only because it kept my mind off nate, and all the shit that was said before he left, and all the shit i put myself through after he left because of my fucking feelings. as soon as i got in the car, it all came back. i wrote him a 5 page (computer pages) letter, made a few snide remarks about being glad he found someone to fuck over there, felt a bit better. but i think i was better off before him, when i didn’t have feelings, and didn’t think it was possible that i could fall in love. cuz what do i have now. fucking nothing. i seriously view it as a complete waste of time. half of me wants to say fuck it, and fuck him, and fuck me wasting my time and energy trying to keep in contact with him, and keep at least a friendship going. just cut him out of my life. i want to cut practically everyone out of my life right now. but i always do this. it’s just me being self destructive again, even when i know it’s a bad idea. i’ll get over it. always do.

so work…was on roulette for 2 spins before being kicked off to blackjack. made my night even more. was put back on it around 1 for an hour – but that meant i was on a game for 2 hours straight, which is a very bad thing. got 40 min of break after that tho, so at least that was good. brendan kept asking me what was wrong, vented about nate, managed not to cry since we were at a table full of other supervisors.

i have to actually get up at a decent time tomorrow. jenn and jeff are coming over to install new memory after their dentist appt across the street. i said i’d have xp installed by then, but nate’s letter fucked up my day.

off to go to bed, and have feelings, and think to much about all this fucking stupid shit.

i’ve been ok today. well. until just now writing back to brian. but i’ve been ok. i feel better. it’s ok.

xp has been installed. my scanner won’t work with xp. and i gave in and went to 1024 screen rez. with xp everything seems so huge at 800600. but everything is so small on 1024. ug. we’ll see how long this lasts. i hate xp. even in the windows classic mode. stupid xp. stupid microsoft.

and jenn and jeff came over to do the memory thing. it’s sorta working. and everquest works..or worked while they were here. who knows about later.

i swear my monitor is about to break. it gets weird sorta staticy lines every now and then. and it seems to be flashing/glowing more than normal. the refresh rate or whatever? i dunno. but it’s irritating. it’s almost shaking, the picture i mean. please don’t break on me til i get a new scanner, and can afford a monitor. ug there it goes again with the static.