During one of the concerts in Europe I made the decision that come my doctors appointment in August I was going to ask to be weened off my prescriptions. Don’t ask why this revelation came in the middle of a NIN show cuz I don’t really feel like saying. But the decision was made. I think they served me quite well, I didn’t kill myself, I stopped crying all the time. For those who’ve never been depressed and have never been on antidepressants – they’re not happy pills. You don’t wake up with a new personality, and suddenly you’re all happy and bubbly and obnoxious. Or even optimistic. I don’t think my behavior or personality changed at all with the drugs, somehow they just made me not think/obsess about some of the things affecting my depression. I was my same pessimistic cynical self – I just didn’t want to die anymore. And that’s good. And August will be almost 2 years on them, and I’ve decided that it’s time to try to do without, and to end the side effects that go along with the benefits. The major side effect is that I really don’t feel anything at all. No, I take that back. I don’t feel stupid happy, I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel anything about anything, I don’t have alot of interest in things – but it’s a different sort than the lack of interest you have when suffering from depression – I don’t feel affection, in most cases (though not lately) I lack sympathy. The one thing that I can still really feel is irritated and annoyed – absolutely no patience. Which is no different than me off drugs haha. More or less I have a cold black heart (or is it grey? 😉 haha) And that is only slightly different than when i’m not on drugs haha. Maybe on the drugs my heart is black, and off the drugs it’s grey. Ok I’ve worn out that reference now haha. Anyway, it’s very hard to explain, everything is still there but just on mute, taken down a few notches, and I am now at the point where I don’t think I’m experiencing things in the same way, or in the best way, that I was before. And so I’m going to try it. And maybe I go suicidal, and then I’ll take them again forever. Or maybe I don’t, and maybe I’ve adjusted now and can go on for awhile on my own (though actually, I quite doubt that).
That leaves another question though. I actually am on 2 different anti-depressants, the 2nd to treat my headaches. Do I try to stop that one as well? I tried to, tried to ween myself off of them…3 summers ago, in the “james bullshit era”…and was completely off of them for about a month and a half. I couldn’t take it. And not because of headaches – because I don’t think my body ever came out of the withdrawl, maybe I didn’t go long enough, but I felt physically terrible constantly. And I stopped sleeping. I couldn’t fall asleep, when I did I woke up every hour on the hour, and when I did sleep had alot of dreams where I woke myself up from trying to move, or because I thought I was falling out of bed. One thing I did realize is how much more vivid my dreams are when I’m not on the drugs. I had forgotten that, since most people still think I have insanely detailed dreams now. You don’t even know how muted they are in comparison now haha. I started taking them again and have been since, and I stopped feeling run over, and I slept again. So I don’t know what to do there, but one at a time I guess.
Something else today that reminded me of this, is this boy X at work who tells me and everyone else that he loves me. I guess he had told someone else about it, and that person took it upon himself to let me know that boy X really respects me and is a good guy and that I should give boy X a chance. And even in a perfect situation where he didn’t have a kid and wasn’t forcing himself to be with babymomma in order to be a good dad – I just have no interest. I should, boy X is great, but I just don’t. And I think half of that – not all, just half – is because of the way I feel on the drugs. Even once off the drugs I’ll have no interest in relationships but it would be for different reasons.
Ha mentioning pessimism just reminded me of driving with adr2 to watertown on our way to the cancelled NIN show in ottawa and our discussion of a pessmist club after seeing an adopt-a-highway sign sponsored by a local optimists club. hahahah omg it was so funny. had to be there, not gonna explain it. hahah that is all. i should try to sleep now seeing as its six am, but i am not tired thanks to sleeping until 4 the last few days. blah