kevin is in love with me again. or still. i’m not sure which. i hadn’t talked to him in ages because he started smoking (again) and thus was too cool to hang out with us non smokers at work anymore. he was one of my dealers today and he told me he loved me again (and again and again). kept asking why i never smile anymore. wants to take me to dinner. noooooo you’re twice my age!!! he does that thing where he’ll look at you with an odd/inquisitive look on his face, which makes you ask “what?”. he’d refuse to tell me what he was thinking. he claimed that since i refuse to tell him why i don’t smile anymore, he refuses to tell me what he’s thinking. he kept threatening to burst into poetry about me in front of all the players unless i started smiling. just leave me alone please. i enjoy wallowing in my own unhappiness.

i actually had a decent day.

not sure about now tho. i don’t feel as horrific as i did last week, but i’m so far from happy i’m not sure i can even see happy right now. i thought of a term to describe my current state of emotion the other day, but i’ve since forgotten it.

lior asked me about…stuff…and applauded me for my recent…activities. he said i’m in the “right” and he’s glad i did what i had to do. that’s good…i guess. he says i’m better than that. i wish i believed him.

why do i suddenly want to cry? ive been so good about that whole crying nonsense since about…friday.

i’m trying to psych myself up for the APC show, and the upcoming orgy show. i know as soon as i get tix for orgy i’ll get excited. finally FINALLY getting to see them again. it’s been too long since seeing those fuckers. mmm boys in makeup

pai gow boy mentioned taking me to dennys again LOL.

i hope you realize i only mention all these people who love me in order to make myself feel better. i don’t do it because i think i’m gorgeous and wonderful and that everyone wants me. because that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

i wonder what kind of advice kevin would give me if i told him why i don’t smile anymore. work is not the place for that type of discussion, and i’m not about to spend another 2 hours outside bob with him. plus he makes me cry. but i’m curious as to what he would say. tho i have a good idea about some of what he’d say.

heather: i’ll be on during the day once i get my ass out of bed.

i want to go shopping because i feel the need to indulge in brian’s “disease”. but i don’t have time to go to ikea tomorrow. but hey, i can go on the way to toronto on thursday, all gothed out and freaky looking LOL rock! i want to go to the guess outlet and see if they have anything cool to replace the whore skirt that i’m still not convinced i should wear on thursday. and i feel the desire to buy shoes tho i hate shoes and everything about buying and wearing them.

and in conclusion. everyone is fucked up. yes that means you. and i’m so tired of trying to figure you out. of overanalyzing every little shred of information for some sort of insight into you. but i just. can’t. stop. so fuck you.

 

i’m up and out of bed and its not 12:30 yet. cuz the smoked detector in the hall went off at 12:15. but i desperately want to go back to bed so i will.

 

dream: i was at home and got a phone call from a number i didn’t recognize. it sounded like a telemarketer but they were saying i needed to send them money for half of the rent of the new apartment. at first i thought it was the apt ppl saying we didn’t get the apt. i was all confused, and they explained how they were a company that keeps your rent money and holds it for you so you don’t spend it before the rent is due. i was still confused as to why i would want to use them. i thought that i was being forced to use them, but they said no it wasn’t a rule, just a suggestion so i told them no. while i was on the phone, the govenor of ny, thomas golisano, was standing there waiting to talk to me. he had to talk to me about some issue that was coming up in the election, and he needed my vote. so he was going to come back after i was off the phone. after i was done on the phone i went downstairs of my parents house and started washing the windows. the inside of the windows. the windows by the front door all still had little heart window clings on them since valentines day. i thought it was probably about time to take them off, but i didnt……dream 2: i was still wearing my retainer to bed, and during the night it fell apart, and/or it came off my teeth and i ended up chomping on it and breaking it. but along with breaking the retainer, it cracked the filling on one molar, as well as a few other teeth. i kept spitting pieces of metal wire and pieces of teeth out. i got up and tried to tell my mom that i needed her to call the dentist so i could get my teeth fixed right away. then there was something about my dad wanting to buy my grandparents old house for 200,000 and i thought that was the most retarded thing ever. 3. something else about flying with brian to cheektowaga….and the flight taking longer than the 10 minute drive would have, but for some reason we had to fly. and i had a black duffel bag, and everyone thought it was gigantic, when it was really just normal sized. and the plane did not crash *shock of shocks*

 

stephen dorff is in the new britney video where she unfortunately doesn’t die in the bathtub. song blows. the video blows. dorff doesn’t even redeem the video. except that he shaved his chest apparently, and he is so yummy.

 

you can touch me, touch me
take me to that other place
you can teach me, love
i know i’m not a hopeless case
what you don’t have you don’t need it now
what you don’t know you can feel somehow
what you don’t have you don’t need it now
don’t need it now