went out with nate. started off at wild wings for the big beer, then duffs for some food, then to jt wheatfields. there could not have been any alcohol in my drink there…cran vodka with no vodka 😛 even tho i didn’t see anyone from my high school class, there were NT kids there. wait no i lie, i did see people from my class, just no one i really knew. mr martin, my 6th and 11th grade art teacher was there. which is just…weird. didn’t talk to anyone. yeah…

not going urban exploring tomorrow/today, going a different day. dunno when tho. i might go take pictures somewhere else. i’ve been meaning to take pictures of the grafitti that is at the end of the lasalle expressway, but never bring my camera to work. i need to finish my roll of film, it’s got the horrid wax statues from the falls on it lol. wait til u see them lol.


there is something slightly unsettling and slightly comforting at the same time, to turn the radio on (103.3), just as they were beginning their sept 11th moment of silence at 8:44, and have it followed by u2’s “one”…

damn garbage men at 7, damn mom being noisy as she left at 7:30 and damn recycling truck at 8, damn whatever truck is outside now playing howard stern.

something strange about today being such a beautiful day again, just like last year.


i breifly caught the beginning of this news article and i have to post it. because i think the forced poetry of it is absurd: “Silence fell on ground zero Wednesday morning, precisely a year from the moment when a terrorist-guided jetliner sliced through a crystal blue sky and murdered multitudes.”

i woke up today and decided to be industrious and get alot accomplished today. i did a load of laundry since the only pair of pants i wear were dirty from running through the rain last night. i was going to wash my car but it keeps looking like rain so i might wait til tomorrow. i was going to send resumes to job placement companies. i need to use the film in my camera. and now it’s 11 and i’ve lost all motivation to do any of it.

i think i’m going to fuck with my webhost, and switch accounts to the better cheaper plan if i can. so if things go wrong and sites don’t work, that’d be why. but knowing me, i won’t do it today, so no worries.


ok i tried my hardest not to make a big deal out of today’s date, but my friend carrie (u2 carrie not high school carrie) sent this to me, and it’s really great so i have to post it. it’s a u2 thing…

From @U2.com…


DATELINE: New York City. Tuesday. 8:45 AM EST
FORECAST: Sunny and mild. 76 degrees. A clear and
cloudless morning.

It was a beautiful day…

the street sounds like a symphony…

in the towers of steel
belief goes on and on …

baby’s got blue skies up ahead …

in the locust wind, comes a rattle and hum …

across the field, you see the sky ripped open …

shards of glass, splinters like rain …

see the face of fear, running scared in the
valley below
bullet the blue sky, bullet the blue …

see the flames, higher and higher …

as the orange sky was screaming …

voices on the cellphone
voices from home
voices of the hard sell
voices down a stairwell
in New York

don’t think, don’t worry
everything’s just fine
just fine, just fine …

In a little while
I’ll be home, love …

can’t see for the smoke …

don’t whisper
don’t talk
don’t run if you can walk …

don’t connect

it takes a second to say goodbye
say goodbye

such a nice day,
to throw your life away …

this bomb-blast lightning waltz
no spoken words, just a scream…

is there a time to run for cover?

streets capsizing
spilling over and down the drain

like a star exploding in the night
falling to the city in broad daylight …

the dust, a smoke screen all around…

don’t hope for too much
don’t breathe…

I can’t believe the news today.
I can’t close my eyes and make it go away.

bodies strewn across a dead end street…

I see the dust cloud disappear without a trace…

the sun so bright it leaves no shadows
only scars carved into stone on the face of earth

sad eyes, crooked crosses
in God’s country…

the crowd is gathered, in black and white
arms entwined, the chosen few
the newspapers say it’s true

and mothers, children, brothers, sisters torn

it was a dirty day
a dirty day.

in cracked streets, trampled underfoot
sidestep, sidewalk
I see you stare into the space…

you stumble out of a hole in the ground…

three o’clock in the morning
it’s quiet and there’s no one around
just the bang and the clatter…

there’s an old church bell
it’s no longer ringing…

the high street never looked so low…

intransigence is all around… military is still
in town

they’re reading names out over the radio
all the folks the rest of us won’t get to know

different names you’re finding hard to spell

night hangs like a prisoner
stretched over black and blue

and today the millions cry

through the rain we see their tears…

see their tears in the rainfall

we’re wounded by fear, injured in doubt

don’t travel by train…
don’t eat …
don’t spill …

don’t fill out any forms
don’t compensate…
don’t cower, don’t crawl…

don’t take it on board…
don’t fall on your sword…

and I can see those fighter planes
I can see those fighter planes.

lookin’ for to save my soul
lookin’ in the places where no flowers grow
lookin’ for to fill that God shaped hole…

lookin’ for the father of my two little girls…

I won’t rest until you’re found.

and this battle’s just begun,
there’s many lost, but tell me who has won?

Jesus, Jesus help me
I’m alone in this world
and a fucked up world it is too

this desparation.

I try to stand up but I can’t find my feet.

don’t know if I can hold on
don’t know if I’m that strong
don’t know if I can wait that long…

who heals the wounds,
who heals the scars?

and if God will send his angels
would everything be alright?

when you look at the world, what it is that you

is it getting better? or do you feel the same?
will it make it easier on you
now you got someone to blame?

then will there be no time of sorrow?
then will there be no time for shame?

is there a time for keeping your distance?
a time to turn your eyes away?
is there a time for keeping your head down?
for getting on with your day?

and though I can’t say why
I know I’ve got to believe…

and I know it aches
how your heart, it breaks
you can only take so much …


though torn in two, we can be one…

because grace makes goodness
out of ugly things.

what you don’t have you don’t need it now
what you don’t know you can feel somehow

this is the moment that we share for always
turn each song into a prayer (always)
now and forever, for always.

in the stillness of the evening
when the sun has had its day
I heard your voice whispering,
come away, come away

in New York.
New York, New York.

I don’t want to see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye.

I will be with you again.


i keep getting the weirdest memory flashbacks today. and they aren’t like the ones i’ve been having about my childhood. earlier i got a flash back to sitting in a restaurant in vegas after i ate the raw pizza at the golden nugget. then i just had one about new orleans…so quick that i don’t know what the flash back was about, just that it was new orleans.

so i ended up not being productive. of course it is only 4:30 so i have tons of time, i can still do the resume thing tonight. but i hate doing stuff after i’d normally be “out of school”…lol. and i hate doing things when my parents are home, or at least my dad, cuz then they ask me what i’m doing. lol.

i did go try to waste film, took a whole 3 pictures, and they’re lame. one is in love canal, which isn’t as fun anymore now that most of the abandoned houses have been torn down (like the mushroom house)…one was the grafitti on lasalle expressway, but i almost got murdered. i pulled over on the side of the highway and walked under the underpass. there were 3 hoodlums on the pedestrian overpass asking me what was wrong with my car, but i couldn’t hear them. so they screamed WHATS WRONG WITH YOUR CAR. and so i turned around and was like IT’S OK! and then the girl yelled something about shooting me cuz she had a 9mm or something. lol. and i wasn’t even in the falls yet really. whatever. it was lame. then i took a picture of my odometer, cuz it was 11111 hahah. that one probably won’t turn out. so i guess now i can bring the camera to lunch on friday like carolyn asked, i still have 11 pictures left.


so in my non-productive day i burned a bunch of cds. copied some for carolyn, and burned almost all my mp3s as files onto cds. my drive is so empty now lol.

adrienne came over for a bit. we had to go buy auto parts for her car (a new antenna), then came back and chilled here before going to dennys. chatted, girl talk, etc. she said i’ve changed this summer. like, she can’t believe that she told me this one thing she did last week, and i was like why? she said she thought i’d freak out if she told me, cuz that’s the impression i gave, but now i’ve changed. lol. i know i’ve blogged about everything changing already, but apparently it’s me that’s changed lol. we were talking at dennys about current stuff, and i was saying how leah is so excited that i met a boy and stuff, how she’s never seen me smile like i am in the pictures etc…and adr was like, yeah you don’t see yourself haha. i don’t know what to think about it all. half of me is happy about all this, but there’s the part of me that almost wishes it wasn’t happening because of what is going to happen later on…but as i keep saying, i’m not thinking about that and i’m just going with things now and enjoying it all. yeah. and i’ve said this before, but i’m saying it again. it’s unbelievable how fast i pick up other people’s mannerisms if i’m with them long enough. i catch myself doing very nate-like things – even if no one else realizes it, i do. and it makes me laugh, cuz i’m like wtf am i doing, this isn’t me lol.

so my mom is still being funny. i got home 5 min ago, come up stairs and she goes “i hate to tell you this but….nate called while you were gone.” i’m like LOL ok is that like a tragedy, i wasn’t home for his call?!?! she makes me laff.

going to geneseo on saturday for the bbq – nate gets to get educated on good music 🙂

found a girl online who has gotten into the buffalo psych center. i’m soooooo jealous!! they found a way in one night, and gah i wanna do it! her pics are so cool. they took video footage too, she said there was some creepy ass stuff going on that they hope they got on film. mtv should tape a fear episode there…and of course, let me be on it 🙂

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