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after christmas i’m going to get acupuncture. because i cant take this anymore.

i dreamed i was trying to wood burn using a blow torch and i set flammable materials like paint on fire because the blow torch wouldn’t go out and there was all kind of cans of paint and varnish and chemicals near where i was working on this wood thing. big big fire i burned something down.

and i dreamed of fishing, but i was a kid, and i caught these 2 ugly yellow fishes, and then this person who was my dad caught this gigantic stripped fish thing. and then the tide suddenly went out and it was all beach and my dads idiot savant friend tim showed up.

and i was in some new version of the matrix, but it was like a video game. i had to fight all these other people before fighting the guy at the end – keanu. then keanu was in love with some samauri guy – yeah he was gay.

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i dreamed i was climbing mount everest. after climbing a long time i turned around for the first time and saw the most amazing view possible. vivid bright blue lake, with intense green trees surrounding it, perfect sky. just the perfect stereotypical view off a mountain. it was after seeing the view that i realized that i was climbing mount everest. i remembered i had a disposable camera with me and took a few pictures. but i only had 3 or 4 left so i thought i should save a few for later in the climb.

 

jerry is coming over tomorrow afternoon. i will try not to cry at him while he is here. probably won’t be doing any exploring because of time. but that is a-ok.

 

i had a very long dream about nate this morning. he had come home. i ran into him in a JC Pennys type department store, but it wasn’t a surprise. it was if i was supposed to meet him there. he was wearing all white. he looked good. we didn’t really say much, walked around the department store and cashed out at a register. it seemed like everyone knew him, or that all the girls wanted to know him. and i was getting really jealous, because i almost assumed that because he had sought me out that meant he wanted to get back together with me. the cashier was complimenting a snow globe he was holding. it was a snow globe that i had purchased on my way to the store, when i had gone through a restored central terminal, and inside the globe was the bronze buffalo from the building. i gave the girl dirty looks and said it was MY snow globe and that I had bought it, not him. and she just ignored me as if i wasn’t there talking. then we were in some kind of strange house, trying to get somewhere where we could sit and talk about niger. i left him somewhere to go use the phone so i could text lei that i was with nate. when you used a payphone it was like a vending machine, and it gave you a disposable single use cell phone (and you could also get a disposable single use gameboy). i went back to find nate and almost asked him if he had seen the new phone vending machines, forgetting that he has been in the middle of the “dark continent” for 2 years and has no idea what has gone on in the rest of the world.

not the best way to wake up today. thanks.

also massive headache.

the cat has a new routine in the morning. it’s to come sit on my head. with its face either in my neck, or in my ear purring into it. i imagine it’s quite cute but no one is ever here to see it.

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i’m going to get written up today when i go into work. called in yesterday cuz i really really didn’t feel well. felt soooo sick, napped for 2 hours, got up for a while and went back to bed for the night. blah. i think i had a fever too. but maybe not, cuz i’m convinced it’s the vitamins. so i guess i won’t be taking them anymore. i still feel kinda crappy cuz i slept very badly, but i’m dealing tonight so hopefully i stay dealing and i can get out very early instead of calling in again.

i had a dream i went to vegas but it looked more like clifton hill. but then again, it only looked like it because it was a hill…it was full of crappy souvenir shops like the new jersey boardwalks. and it was 103 degrees.

and i had a dream that i figured out a fabulous way to get into the psych center. to go during the winter with a shovel, and make a big pile of snow in front of the fence. then just climb up the hill of snow and jump down on the other side of the fence…then once i was on the other side of the fence the building totally creeped me out and i got really scared so i was trying to get out, but i couldn’t find a way out once inside the fence. then brian appeared, and jeremy was inside the building waving out a window. so we were like, oh they (jeremy and james) musta found a way inside. so brian and i went to find the way inside, and found all this scaffolding made out of ladders that we started to climb up to get to some window that was open so we could get inside. the ladders kept moving, or we kept moving them once were were up a level so no one else could follow us up the scaffolding.

today is u2 day. how to dismantle an atomic bomb hits stores today. as well as 2 different version re-releases of the downward spiral. i preordered the tds releases with the apc dvd from amazon so i wont have those til next week, but off to buy the super deluxe edition of u2 when i go get the bct newsletter printed. when i feel well enough to leave the house.

 

…and war is always the choice of the chosen who know they will not have to fight

saw a wonderful tshirt when i was at media play on some kid. it had the electoral map on it, with the red and blue states. the key was blue = democrats red=complete morons. LOL

the special edition cd book is wonderful. wow does bono have horrible hand writing…

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it’s starting again…the u2ness…i’m fighting the urge to post a bunch of lines from u2’s spin magazine article. no guarantees tho…

carrie said last week my aunt darleen had a dream about her aunt who died last year. in the dream the aunt came over and kept asking her if she was ready to go with her, that she was supposed to go with her. darleen told the aunt fine, but she wanted to shower first. so the aunt waited while darleen showered, but darleen was taking too long so the aunt came back in the room to ask if she was ready to go yet, because she had to go with her…

i had a dream about dubya getting drunk with dick cheyney in target while jeb bush sang showtunes.

and a dream about doing urbex on the set of the price is right.

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dream: everyone in america had to go to iraq to see what it was like to actually live there and be in a war. it was beyond scary. i guess i was in the army (assuming so just cuz i was wearing camo) and we had to shoot at airplanes with these big machine guns, but we weren’t suppose to hit the planes. just shoot at them and purposely miss, just to scare them i guess. all around us was getting hit by shells and all you could hear was the rat tat tating of machine guns. scary scary scary.

 

if i had the opportunity to get to know the members of u2, mr the edge would be my soul mate. i think we’d get along marvelous.

“Edge was just up all night, as he usually is anyway, on the Internet, pulling down some weird shit. The book follows the record, in that it starts out with fear and ends with faith. So in the fear half, Edge has got all kinds of information on how to tie up a prisoner in your own home, the art of the samurai sword, how to build your own bomb shelter. He’s researched all kinds of phobias. Then when we get into the faithful half, he’s found other things on trust.”

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i had another dream about being in asbury park. i don’t get it haha. this time…we kept saying we were going to the palace but the whole time we were at the casino. it was set up differently, with the carousel house on the right instead of in front. there was a crowd outside the building because the carousel house was on fire. the back part of the casino was open and we were sticking our heads in to finally see inside. we could see the smoke coming into that section of the building from the carousel house. then suddenly i guess the fire was out, because there was no more smoke, and we wanted to go inside. we started inside and someone said that only people volunteering to sweep the floors were allowed inside. i’m game! i guess the reason we were there in the first place was because there was going to be a clean up. russell was there, apparently he owned it. so we went inside to start sweeping the floors. it was all sand. getting distracted i started digging in the sand to find souvies to take, and there was all sorts of fun stuff buried there. in one corner, under a tree, i had found broken necks of guitars…then digging more, someone buried piano keyboards. we had to go someplace else so we covered the stuff with more sand to come back for it later. went somewhere else, and came back. dug around more, found a bunch of vinyl records… so i took a bruce springsteen one for leighanne, along with this thing that looked like a lighter, or my digi cam battery, that said bruce springsteen on it. then there was tons of mj stuff…vinyl records and books i had never seen before, and i used to have everything. i debated taking them to resell on my site, but passed them up. then i heard russell saying something about how it seems things are getting stolen from inside the building. do do do, not me, i didn’t take anything. then there was more about realizing we would need to find a hotel, cuz we didn’t want to miss the chance to see more of the inside, and kicking myself for deciding not to bring my camera to the building.

then last night i dreamed about the clintons. i was at some sort of political rally…i dont know if it was inaugeration for kerry, or the DNC, but some big political thing. big crowd, people all over. and i happened to be standing next to bill and hilary. there were cameras video taping them and someone had been joking with them about bill having sex in the white house. so they started laughing and joking around about it, and were having alot of fun. they were really cool nice fun people, and i was really impressed that they could joke around and laugh about that whole time period now.

and i dreamed i was driving somewhere, and got lost on the reservation. i think i was trying to go to someones house, but missed their street, and got more and more lost on the reservation. ended up driving into a lake in an SUV but not sinking, because i was scared to stop and ask any of the natives how to get to where i was going. i didn’t want them to shoot me. then i started to see natives that i worked with, so i was able to stop and ask them, but they didn’t really know so they tried drawing us a map that was really unhelpful.

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for what it’s worth a scummy white trash guy told me not many women can pull off being sexy with short hair, but that i do a great job with it. and he went on and on about it. so i guess the hair works. and i just find that amusing because i don’t consider myself to be sexy or a sex object in the slighest bit. it makes me laugh when things like that are said to me or brought to my attention.

but yeah. i’m ok with the hair now. we’ll see what color it turns tomorrow.

was relief in the carnival games tonight. which meant i did alot of nothing. it was pretty slow and i got to leave an hour early. doug was the pit tonight and he makes me laugh. i like him and i don’t know why. i think it’s cuz he doesn’t say much. alot of people have problems with him and i just don’t get it, he’s always been nice to me. even when i first started dealing and kept fucking up when he was supervising me. haha. there is a certain payout procedure that is completely wrong, but it seems every dealer has started doing it. and i’m making it my mission to correct every dealer i see do it. i started tonight. cuz i decided it bugs me THAT much lol. i’ll stop the shop talk now tho, cuz i could continue but no one will get what i’m saying.

got the orgy tix, stupid 6$ per ticket service fee. and got adr’s bday gift. yay. it’s fantastic. i dunno why i didn’t think of it sooner. she’s usually so hard to buy for. and it has nothing to do with orgy.

and speaking of orgy, doug asked me why i was going to detroit and i said it and he was just like…oooookay hahaha.

and speaking of orgy, apparently they are still going to release a dvd…aimed for november, with live stuff from this tour and the vapor transmission tour. should be interesting.

 

gaaaaaaaaaaaah

my roots – aka new growth non dyed hair – are orange. the orange my hair was at picnic on the plaza last year. the rest of my hair…not orange. good to know that DEEP RED would turn my hair orange, if i actually had all pure non dyed hair.

i’m thinking there will be an emergency dying tonight/tomorrow morning before detroit. gonna have to go black to cover the orange…gah.

this is the same thing that happened last time i used the same brand and color. stupid herbal essences. this is how i got light red hair back in february. grrrr.

 

i had a dream that i was in a concentration camp. i don’t know why i was there. it wasn’t so bad though. we had to sleep in big rooms with other people. and we all slept on mats on the floor instead of beds or matresses. but it really wasn’t so bad. partly because there was someone there who i was in love with. we weren’t “dating” or even speak of our relationship, but we just both knew that we were in love. i think it was something to do with…he resisted me and resisted a relationship because he was in the CIA and didn’t think that a relationship would be allowed. i wasn’t supposed to know he was in the CIA but i did. and that was ok with me, just the telepathic knowing that we were in love was fine. i’m not sure we had even spoken to eachother. it was alot of looking at him and him looking at me. it made me really happy despite being in the camp. the whole dream was all warm and fuzzy when i was in the “dorm room” with him.

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i dreamed i was at a hockey game, way up in the 300 level. at one point during the game they turned a spotlight on and highlighted a person sitting in the very last row. it was wayne gretzky. and duran duran was standing around him singing to him. wayne was not happy. simon lebon was like, you’re wayne gretzky why are you sitting up in the 300s. wayne said it was because he didn’t want to be noticed by anyone, and now here were duran duran singing to him. so he was pissed. i was like, hello, you’re wayne gretzky and you’re at a hockey game, as if no one is going to recognize you.

 

 

 

i don’t know where this ramble is going to go, i’m feeling very emotional and full of selfpity at the moment, so bear with me. or don’t read it, i could care less.

but just a reminder. i’m still on vacation til monday night, so if anyone needs a companion the next 3 days, even if just for stupid mundane errands, or if anyone needs to be entertained or to do entertaining, i’m here.

this is spurred on by a number of things, one being the article about introverts.

on monday james told me i’m not as mysterious as i think i am. i try to be mysterious but i don’t feel that i succeed because i have nothing to be mysterious about. my life is an open book, i have nothing to hide. anything you want to know about me you can either ask, or read the archives i’m sure it’s in there somewhere. of course there are things i don’t readily talk about but i will if you ask. i don’t talk about when i was 16 much, it’s not something i like to think about. plain and simple.

my attempt at being mysterious is for my own benefit. because whenever i get too close to people, or people know too much about me, they use it against me. i always get hurt. i always get screwed over. so it’s a defense mechanism. you know, you get tired of being screwed over after a while.

but like i said, i have nothing to be mysterious about. which is why i think my screen name is so appropriate. vacant enigma. a mystery that when you get down to the center, is completely empty. best way i can think of to describe me.

but maybe my apparent lack of convincing mystery is due to the people telling me i’m not mysterious. i’ve tried to shape myself and shape my life in such a way…a way i can’t put into words, but i’ve done what i’ve done to make myself into the person i want to be. and i’m mostly happy with who i am. moreso i am happy with who i appear to be. that didn’t come out right.

i’m happy that the people that are in my life now see me for who i really am. these people who say i’m a bitch because i’m an introvert and don’t talk to them, or many people at work. they know nothing about me. they can’t see who i really am. and i don’t want them in my life for that reason. i don’t have alot of friends, mostly because the people i meet, i have no desire to be friends with. the people i want to be friends with…it feels like we’ve been friends for ages. like it was supposed to happen or be that way. i’m friends with people who can see through me.

maybe i’m not mysterious because i’ve let you see me. i’ve let you see me cuz i know you already can. i can think of 4 people, all male, who can see me and appreciate me for who i am. people i haven’t had to explain myself to for the most part, because they can already see it. – but maybe i’m completely wrong about all of this. maybe they don’t see me. the most important part…. (i think) they appreciate me for who i am. and that means the world to me, because that’s all i’ve ever wanted. i’m thrilled, in a way, to hear them describe me in the exact way i’ve always wished to be percieved.

i think part of this is why i get along with significantly older people more than with people my own age. older adults “get me” where as most people my age completely don’t. i don’t go out and party and sleep around and do the things so called “normal” people in their 20s do. it absolutely does not interest me in the slightest. i tell older adults the things i do and they are captivated by it. they think i’m interesting. people my age think i’m weird. i get asked about my photography, and i explain what i do, and what i like, and i get blank stares. at least older adults have perfect the art of feigning interest, if they don’t “get me”.

maybe i’m completely wrong about all of this. maybe no one does see me. maybe i remain the angst filled misunderstood person that i think i always was.

i don’t know. i don’t know anything anymore.

 

 

 

dunno what’s going on tonight. brian mentioned going to jasens. i told him to let me know what was going on, haven’t heard from him. it is so grossly humid out now. blah i feel sticky and gross.

going to clean now cuz the landlord is showing someone my apartment tomorrow. and i can go get the new apt keys tomorrow too yay.

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apparently there was a really bad storm here this morning (er yesterday morning)…so black it seemed like night time. lightning and wind that took down trees and caused most of niagara falls to lose power…bad hail. and i barely heard it. heard maybe 5 cracks of thunder. i had no idea it was that bad of a storm.

my goal is for this week to be my first 40 hour week since i got promoted. but i really don’t want to go and stay 8 hrs on tuesday. i floor tomorrow, baccarat tuesday, floor fri and sat, deal sunday. i for sure will not be staying all 8 hrs on sunday, the day before my vacation begins. so staying all 8 hrs tuesday is my only hope at a 40 hour week. dealt all night today and i’m really tired now. i am going to force myself to get out of bed at 12:30 tomorrow. really. i am.

i was told by 3 new dealers today that i am 1. intimidating, even when i’m dealing not flooring or 2. look miserable. as for the intimidating, i said yeah i get that alot. and then they went on to say that i was really nice LOL. the other guy asked if i liked my job cuz i look miserable. i said i always look miserable lol. and apparently i look like a groupie. cuz the 2 that were telling me i’m intimidating also made a comment that i got my inxs shirt from the band when i was backstage. i’m like wtf?!? lol how’d they know

i forget what else i had to say.

 

wacked out dreams. dreamed i had a complete makeover and haircut from some really expensive salon in nyc. my makeover specialist was really cool and only charged me 7 dollars for the makeup job and threw in the hair cut for free. my hair was really short. like winona ryder short. and my makeup changed colors each time i looked in the mirror. then the makeover specialist went psycho. she invited me to some huge party at her house, so i went cuz i figured i sorta owed her for the free makeover. she showed me around her really cool loft, and then took me into her art exhibit…which was 4 rooms full of tvs each showing something different. not tv shows, but photos. she had taken me in there to show me some photo of marilyn manson she had taken. then it got psycho, and i was talking to some guy who said the whole thing was a plot to kill all the people at the party. so we went running through the tv rooms trying to find clues as to where the bomb was, and how to save everyone. it was nuts.

tho i like the doors. some of their “not hugely popular” songs just sound like circus music

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i’m getting sick. i have the sore throat from hell. make it stop. i can hardly swallow. all the cigar smoke blowing my face tonight didn’t help much either.

ctrc business tomorrow afternoon, then work again. dealing monday so hopefully i can get out lots early.

for anyone in the immediate viewing area who wants to come to movie night…be here, 8 ish wednesday. 2 full length movies, and one who knows how long film about the infamous ninj. and food and drink and friends and fun and all that. tony is no longer coming cuz his girlfriend cant come, and apparently he is no longer allowed to hang out with me without her. whatever.

 

gah my throat

had the most weird ass scary dream. i had gone to mexico with a bunch of people, possibly some sort of field trip. there was some big scary mexican gang working in the city we were in. for some reason, they kidnapped one of our group members. we didn’t know what to do to get her back, but we ended up coming up with this big elaborate plan to trick them into giving her up. it involved lots of secretive stuff…an apple IIe computer that had wireless internet, a library/store…we had somehow figured out they were going to be bringing her to this library/store, so we figured we could be in the library/store pretending to do some kind of work, and then when they get in, we had this big ambush plan. but it didn’t work right, of course. for some reason tons of other people joined us at the library/store and when the gang came with our friend, they saw the crowd, and they saw us inside, and they took off. so a few from our group took off after them, and chased them for a few blocks but then lost them. since we had done all this, we really pissed the gang off, and they killed our friend. so then all the rest of us were scared shitless that they were going to come after the rest of us. i was walking down some street on my way to the travel agent to book the next flight back to buffalo, and one of the gang members, a girl, came up to me. she asked if i had been talking shit about her, so i faked and pretended i was on the gang’s side of things, so she wouldn’t kill me. when i got to the travel agent’s all of my group was there also trying to get out of mexico asap. we couldn’t get back to buffalo but we could fly to cleveland, so we did, just to get away from the gang. we left all our luggage in the hotel because we were so scared to go back.

messed up.

i can’t swallow.

 

leighanne saw sex toy girl with no shirt on ROFLMAO

and either sex toy girl, the boyfriend, or both are moving out of their apartment. WHY CANT THE PPL UPSTAIRS MOVE!!! at least sextoy girl was entertaining.

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