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i might have a new job. i think i have a new job, but i’m not 100% sure because they didn’t say “congrats you’re hired” or anything like that. it’s at the casino, but not dealing. it’s doing data entry crap on the casino floor to keep track of the money going in and out of the casino – what was the official job title?…um…i forget. but anyway. it’s not good pay, but better than i’m making now, with full benefits, full time hours, and opportunity to move up… i guess. i don’t really care at this point lol. the girl at work was going to call the pit boss to dig out my application so maybe i’ll get hired as a dealer anyway. but with this job i think i have, she said she’ll call in 10 days to 2 weeks when they get the computers in and start the training classes. 2 weeks of training, 3 hours a day. the actual job hours are swing shifts, 3 morning shifts that start as early as 10 am, 3 afternoon shifts that start at 5 or 6, and a grave yard shift that’s like 10 – 2 am. apparently the casino is still on schedule to open on new years eve, so if i do indeed have this job, that’ll interfere with new years in toronto plans. oh well.

anyway. got out of work at 8 today. soooo dead. had to converse with bitchy self centered girl again, and i got to listen to her tell me about how she modeled for all these famous designers in NYC…cuz i care. oh i forgot to mention yesterday, there is this old woman who comes in all the time. she’s got some weird foreign accent, she’s small, shrivled, leather skin from too much sun, all kinds of black eyeliner on…just very odd. i can’t really understand her when she talks, but whatever. she drives everyone crazy cuz she talks and talks to everyone and won’t shut up. i have been able to avoid her in the past, when it was busy etc, but now.. i just stand around so she comes and talks to me. yesterday she had me calling someone to pick her up, and then was telling me about how the man she was sitting with at the bar asked her to go to bed with him LOL so she was like, “i will not go to bed with you, i know i’m a very beautiful woman, but i’m not easy and not a ho.” ROFL i was laffing so hard. so then today she made me call this person to pick her up like 3 more times, and then the person called back to talk to her, and then she told me she was going to make these fried pumpkin things for me and if i liked them i could come to her house with a container to take a bunch home to my family and stuff. i’m like yeah. ok. haha. mgr kept asking me if i was being driven crazy yet. i’m like YES hahah.

anyway. massive headache cuz i had to clean at work, with chemicals with bad fumes. blah. tomorrow i have off, dunno what i’m gonna do with myself all day. but that’s ok. i’m working on a proposition to design a site for our hard rock, one that i’d get paid to do. maybe i’ll make a formal proposal for that or something. draw up some prototypes of my ideas for the site…and figure out what i’m taking to indiana. i hate all my clothes. i keep having dreams about going to buy nice clothes to wear for nate LOL.

do you think it’s weird that i’ve been hit on/propositioned by 2 girls in my life, and they’ve had the same name? i’m not sure i mentioned that the one server at work wanted to have sex with me on halloween. like, she propositioned me. seriously. which is more than the first girl who hit on me did…she just talked about doing sexual stuff to me to other people…then today, the server was like, you should totally grow your hair out and then get blond highlights, you’d be so hot blah blah blah. i’m like, um. thanks. she was one of the many people who told me i’d make a great hippy…all these people on halloween told me that i totally fit the hippy image. nate thought so to. i don’t know why, because i don’t consider myself to be anywhere close to the hippy mentality, or the whole stoner/hippy look…but whatever.

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U2 – not so best of 1990 – 2000 – subtitled: what were they thinking?
picked up the limited edition best of, b-sides, dvd at target (14.88 on sale). i’d been hearing how much they were screwing up with the remixes, but didn’t go listen to them for myself at u2.com. to begin with i was wondering why on earth they’d be remixing songs for a best of cd…when i bought the first best of, when i wasn’t a u2 fan, if i had gotten remixed songs i would have been very, very upset. remixes are for fans, not for casual listeners, but i digress…they remixed, gone, discotheque, and staring at the sun from Pop, and numb from Zooropa…as well as a sorta new version of mysterious ways…i fast forwarded through some of the songs i hadn’t heard were remixes, and went to the new versions.
1. “mysterious ways” – it’s normal, it’s achtung baby version, and suddenly you’re like WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?!? suddenly bono starts slurring and badly sings a high note. ok what?! why change an amazingly brilliant genius song, for 3 seconds, to make it retarded…specifically, it’s the “she sees the man inside the child” part. i don’t know what the hell he’s saying now, but it can’t possibly be that, and it sounds stupid. and if i was not a big u2 fan i’d hate it, and be really irritated it wasn’t the album version everyone knows and loves.
2. “gone” – this is one of their best songs ever. the live version is incredible. and that’s what i think they were trying to do with this one. they rerecorded the vocals, or dug a different vocal track out of the dust bin, and changed some of the music around it…it doesn’t work. it doesn’t touch the original or the live version. i was actually cringing when i had it on in the car. during the first chorus i was thinking, if they were trying to make it more like the live version they needed to add Edge’s background vocals…which they did in the 2nd chorus, but not nearly loud enough to be any good. and you can tell they used some of the vocal tracks from the original album version, and then some new ones. at least it seems that way to me. no doubt the end high notes are the old track, no way can bono hit that now. *sigh* then the cd goes onto “until the end of the world” which is one of their greatest songs ever as well… non remixed THANK GOD
3. “discotheque” – new beginning, not as hyper, more ethereal…it’s OK so far, since it’s a remix and not supposed to sound like the original…it’s totally devoid of its hyperactivity tho, which made the original so fun. ok the chorus, wtf. so not good. ok no this is not good at all. it’s so choppy now, no flow…no bono moans…no boomchas…without the boomchas, just them saying “discotheque” is really dumb for some reason. well that sucked.
4. “staring at the sun” – another of the greatest u2 songs ever…ok it just started and it’s like wtf is this crap. this sucks for no particular reason. it just sounds awful. it’s hurting my ears. an acoustic version would have been better. this is really not good. who approved this?
5. “numb” – so far not all that different. ok wtf is with the very out of place background “i feel numb”? i think it’s larry. it doesn’t need to be enhanced, leave it inaudible in the background please. bono’s falsetto is way cool, so it’s ok that it’s been brought up. but the other part. no…ok yeah nice bono falsetto. 🙂 if it wasn’t for the bad “i feel numb” part, this would be the best remix…but it really ruins it for me.

and the new songs
1. electrical storm – i like this song. alot. and the video. hehe. larry shirtless, can’t go wrong.
2. the hands that built america – cheesy…it’s ok, it’s strange, bono sings opera. definitely soundtrack material (it’s from a new movie “the gangs of new york”)

thank god for no remixes of “hold me thrill me kiss me kill me” and “until the end of the world” or i’d really have to bitch. and i still do not get why “the first time” is on this cd…if you wanted another song from zooropa.. hello?!?! “lemon”!!! or even “daddy’s gonna pay for your crashed car”…but “the first time”??? stupid.

i think they felt it was safe to remix all these songs from Pop since it was their “failure” album…hardly. i don’t care if they say it was unfinished etc…the first half sounds very good and very finished, it’s the 2nd half that needs help. and all the songs on the best of are from the first half. and just because casual fans won’t know the Pop songs, doesn’t mean they needed to be remixed into crap, cuz that’s not gonna make casual fans go out and discover Pop for themselves…and i guess the “numb” remix…no one really knew that song either.

you know what. i don’t like this cd at all. the first best of was so good…and this one, i don’t get it. i dunno why. i just think it’s really bad. it was probably hard to pick out tracks to include, since you have to include songs from “achtung baby” which might as well be a best of in its own right…to me, this cd is not representative of the best of u2…especially with all the fucking remixes. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING omg it’s pissing me off so much lol. if the songs were left non remixed, this would be much better, but i’m already thinking of how i’m going to have to fast forward half this cd…if i even bother to listen to it.

ok bsides. actually they’re mostly remixes…i hate remixes. lol. i never listen to the best of 80-90 bsides disc. i’m a bad fan. oh man i can’t take this. the “dirty day” remix is pretty cool. er well most of it is. “north and south of the river” never heard this song before…eh sorta boring. i hate dance remixes. haha this song is called “salome” and it sounds like bono is saying salami. shake it, shake it, shake it salami hahah. the “numb” remix on the bsides disc is bizarre haha… it’s all hip hop-ified.

well the bonus little dvd thing redeemed the rest. it’s so funny.

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didn’t get out of bed til 12 today. i kept kinda half falling asleep, and just didn’t feel like getting up. i love my new bed, even if it doesn’t make me sleep any better, or wake up not in pain (i still wake up with a headache almost every day), i just never want to leave it.

so when i did get up, i was anticipating my mom yelling at me to get a new job, but she didn’t. she made me breakfast haha. she just took in the roll of film with halloween pics on it, so i’ll get those scanned and up before i leave for work probably. if not, later when i get home since i’m sure they’ll let me go around 8 again.

i just watched part of MJ’s dangerous concert on vh1…again..watched it yesterday too, as if i haven’t seen it 402895 times already. it makes me sad. it makes me sad for the current mj, and long for the days of old lol. i’ve said this all before, but it just made me realize it once again. he had so much energy, you could tell he was giving the show everything he had. and now, using the 30th anniversary as a comparison, it’s like he’s only blindly going through the motions because he has to, not because he wants to. despite what sandy says about how happy he is now (since she just went and hung out with him 3 more times recently), something is missing. he’s missing the slightly cocky attitude, and the sly little impish smile he used to give back in the day…i dunno. but it makes me sad. for some odd reason, my favourite part of the live show is “beat it” even tho it’s far from being one of my favourite songs. it’s just so energetic, and great, and he’s got such an attitude during it lol. i think i’m going to watch the history show from munich after work to compare to dangerous…just feel like it. i’ll have nothing better to do with my time.

right, last night danielle sent me the directions her dad used to get to her place in indiana. so i wrote them all down etc, and then just checked yahoo to see if they were the same. they’re not. they’re not even close to being the same. danielle used mapquest directions, which is 580 miles and 9.5 hours…yahoo directions are 551 miles and 8.5 hours. so i looked at some other map sites, who all give the mapquest directions, or these really bizarre directions that take you into down town buffalo, and then onto the 90?!?!?. the yahoo directions keep you on the 90 through PA, OH and into IN, then south on state highways…mapquest takes you on the 90 until Ohio, then south through columbus, into Indiana, and then north through Indianapolis to danielle’s…which really doesn’t make ANY sense to me. so i checked them all out on the atlas, and asked my dad what he’d do and i’m going with the shorter yahoo directions. it seems easier to stay on the 90 forever and then go south, than to get off the 90, go south, and then north again…so anticipating that everything goes right, and we leave on time, we should get to danielles around 6pm, giving us the whole night to do whatever. did i mention we’re going to find shannon hoon’s grave? haha cuz we are. it’s in a cemetery in a town 9 miles away.

hehe i get to vote tomorrow, in a REAL voting booth, for the first time…no stupid absentee ballot anymore. yay. yes, this does excite me, shut up.

 

crying, thanks to my mom, who would NOT shut up about nate leaving. i said I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, she keeps going on about how it’s unusual for a relationship to last over 2 years apart, and i say I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, and she says i cant bury my head in the sand about it. AS IF I DONT FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT EVERY GODDAMN DAY. every fucking day i think about it when i wake up in the morning, every fucking day i think about it before i go to bed. not to mention EVERYONE ELSE who CONSTANTLY asks me what’s going to happen when he leaves. I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. then she goes on about how her and my dad think i’m going to become even more of a recluse when he leaves AS IF I DONT THINK ABOUT IT.

WELL I DO. EVERY FUCKING DAY. how can i NOT think about it? how can i NOT think about what i’m going to say to him, to find out what he thinks we should do while he’s gone. how can i NOT think about how i’m going to tell him what *I* want to happen. EVERY DAY. SO DONT FUCKING ASK ME ANYMORE.

 

do i have “ask me about nate” tattooed to my forehead? not one, but 2 other people asked me about him leaving today. i was upset enough as it was, and trying not to cry all the way to work, and then it just got worse.

i get to work and talk to mgr about being scheduled on saturday. she’s like, yeah i got your note. you left it here monday (last monday, not today obviously). i’m like yeah, that’s when i found out i needed off. she’s like, i didn’t get it til yesterday i was on vacation and had premade the schedules. you need to give me longer notice than that etc. she was being completely condescending to me about getting the request in “late”… she never makes the schedules normally until the day before they get posted, so there is one reason i didn’t think it’d be a problem. i also didn’t know she was on vacation and wouldn’t get my note. and as i told her, i left the note as soon as i found out i needed off. she’s like yeah i understand, but blah blah blah it’s a no call no show if you don’t come in. there was no one to take my shift, no one i could call, i couldn’t even call the host, turned retail person cuz he was working too…so she said she’d talk to the other mgrs at the meeting to see if potsmoker could host instead of bussing, and then it would be ok…so now i’m freaking out sorta, since i’m already upset, and pretty much crying again….so after the meeting i go and see if it’s ok so i can call him, and she’s like, we talked it over and we decided we’ll just cancel your shift for saturday because we’re not real busy BUT you have to get requests in earlier. LIKE I DO THIS ALL THE TIME OR SOMETHING. she’s like, i know you don’t do this alot, and don’t bother me all of a sudden saying you need off, but blah blah blah… it was just so seemingly rude and condescending, i was really irritated. i don’t take advantage of them and their kindness…she’s like, i try to give you hours since you have open availability blah blah blah, like i’m inconveniencing them by needing saturday off, and taking advantage of them… whatever.

so while the mgrs were in the meeting, and my saturday was in limbo, i go to talk to the retail girl and she goes “so what are you gonna do?” i’m like, oh god please don’t let this be what i think it’s gonna be about…so i ask her, about what, and she goes “nate leaving.” so i fucking start crying again. i’m like I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. and she’s like yeah, i know how it feels (cuz she was just in the same sort of situation), and then she realized i was crying so she’s apologizing and trying to change the subject, and i’m apologizing for crying and saying how i’m only upset cuz my mom had brought it up earlier. so i had to go get some air, cuz i was all crying again, and i had to seat someone and blah it sucked. but i got control of myself again and was fine the rest of the night. i was fine even when the 2nd person asked me about nate.

so anyway. the casino job thing still might be in the works. turns out one of the bartenders just got hired to deal because she knows the pit boss. so i’m like, u gonna help me out? haha so she gave me her name to put on the application, and is gonna call the guy and tell him to get my application out tomorrow, after i go re-apply. so cross your fingers again. i need to get out of hard rock.

“Researchers: Gay sheep brains different” OMG there are such things as homosexual SHEEP!? i didn’t realize the animal world would have homosexual animals… LOL

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almost every day of my life i’m reminded about how deciding not to go to grad school was the best decision of my life. seriously. i could not have survived being a clinician. i’d have ended up killing myself 😛

anyway. i work at 4. i didn’t get out of bed til almost 1 cuz i had nothing to do. so i just read a bit, and layed around. *lazy*. i’m betting i only stay at work for 4 hours. hopefully i can stay that long 😛 i went from having 4 days, to thinking i was having 5, then back to 4 and if they only keep me for 3 hrs…i’ll be pissed. i have less hours this week than i did last week and i only had 3 days last week.

 

damn i’m good. stayed 4 hours and 15 minutes at work tonight. and yeah, mgr is brilliant. i work monday night, tuesday night, thursday day, and saturday night…um yeah. saturday?! indiana folks, no work! so i gotta talk to her tomorrow when i go in and tell her i won’t be here. i guess she didn’t get my note, so i have to let her know i can’t work monday incase she schedules me next week wrong too. there is no one to take my shift on saturday, because everyone either requested off or is working. so it’s their tough shit, i’m so not showing up and they can fire me. no loss, i barely get any hours anyway. they don’t need 2 closers on saturday with a swing shift person too. whatever, not my problem.

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well last night was good, even if it was really cold and we parked far away LOL. the party was down off of elmwood at his friend jay gordon’s house hehe. we were looking for parking and ended up on this side street that had the greatest view ever of the psych center all lit up. i was like hooooly shit that is one hell of a scary beautiful creepy building. i have to go back down there and take some pictures from that street. so creepy. anyway. the party. it was good, it got pretty packed, of course didn’t know most of them (neither did nate). i got to meet the singer of Lucid, who we saw open for econoline crush last november. got to hear an interesting story about the ride back from DC in the van (nate drove seperately). the funniest part of the story was that jay gordon was so embarassed telling it since he was telling it to me too haha. the party broke up all of a sudden to go to the bars, and nate wasn’t interested so we came back here for a while. fell asleep on the futon again. he’s so twitchy when he’s falling asleep. i’ve never noticed anyone being that twitchy before, but then again, i never really cuddled with danielle or carolyn to know how twitchy they are lol. anyway. he left around 2:30 again, and he was leaving for NJ this morning.

i was supposed to work, but mgr just called me off for the day. i’m a bit irritated. only because i was so tired when my alarm went off at 9:30, since i went to bed at 3. i wasn’t in pain from my bed this morning!!! exciting stuff. i don’t know what to do with myself all day now. adr might be back from erie, so i’ll prolly call her if i have the right phone number.

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tired. what’s new lol.

nate and his friend came and picked me up around 8 last night, and we went back out to hard rock. got some beer and nachos, everyone got to see nate in his kilt and blah blah blah. didn’t stay for the band though, because nate’s friend had to go home. so went back to the island to drop him off, then to nate’s house so he could change his shirt. the mesh shirt wasn’t treating his nipples too kindly LOL. he ended up changing into all normal clothes, so from there we headed back to my house so i could change. then we went to wild wings for some more beer. it was packed there, they had a band and stuff too. saw some high school people there, blah. they didn’t talk to me and i didn’t talk to them haha. went back to my house, watched tv in the basement, fell asleep during rocky horrow picture show for like 2 hours. haha. it’s such a bad movie. woke nate up at like 2:30 ish, and he headed home.

dunno what’s going on today. my bed should be here some time soon. we might go see the jackass movie. at first i was like, no way am i gonna spend money on that. but i have to give in, i have to see it. the show was just too great. everyone said the movie is hysterical. johnny knoxville…hip groovies…i don’t care that all his stunts have now made him crosseyed, he has hip groovies galore. 🙂

 

IT’S SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!

it’s so great how much my parents love nate. it’s gonna suck if they hate my next boyfriend again. everytime nate comes over, my mom comments the next day about how cute he is. and i guess last night my dad even commented LOL. then my mom is folding laundry and tells me i better not let nate see my “big” underwear (aka the little girl ones) lol. i asked her today if nate’s allowed in my bedroom and she said yes. haha this is super. neither one of my parents have said anything about us going to indiana together.

gotta put my new bed stuff together.

 

grr have to get into costume again. nate and i were going to go to the movies but now we’re going to a halloween party. i don’t really feel like going cuz i don’t want to get dressed up again. oh well. too bad i don’t have long hair, then i wouldn’t have to wear the dumb wig. that’s the main issue, i don’t want to wear the wig. bah. i’m really tired for some reason, even tho i took an hour nap before going to dinner with my parents. i think i’m gonna go lay down again since nate won’t be here til 9 probably.

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happy halloween!!!

work was fun. everyone was in costume. the sales mgr was foxy cleopatra…she’s white. she bought black makeup, looked like a black person lol. other mgr was Disco Stu haha. night mgr was an 80s hair band guy, permed blond hair, leopard jacket, black leather pants, cbgb’s shirt. it rocked. i totally should have won the employee contest (100$), that’s what everyone was saying all day, but then stupid self-centered bitch chick comes in and tells everyone how she sewed her own costume, so she won. IT WASNT EVEN GOOD. she was a mummy. she didn’t even look like a mummy. she looked like she was wearing a white dress that was bunched up in places. but whatever. my stupid wig gave me such a headache.

so, now i get to sit around and wait for nate to get home from dunkirk. i’m gonna assume it’ll be around 10 or 10:30 although he claimed he’d probably be home before 10. we’ll probably end up at hard rock for the party, cuz i don’t feel like going around to anywhere else and paying a wicked high cover charge. alot of work people will be there too, so it would be fun. we’ll see i guess.

i think i’m gonna go lay down for a while.

*update* it’s 6:05 and nate is home. shock haha. and yeah, we’re gonna end up at hard rock.

halloween has got to be the most fun holiday for kids. who doesn’t enjoy getting dressed up in a costume and going around to houses for candy?!?

Posted in: Personal

October 2002 Dreams

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October 16, 2002

stuff i dont remember….then…i was at my house and remembered that i owned fish, they were in the basement, and hadn’t been fed in over a month. i figured they were dead, but i went downstairs to look in the tank and see. at least then i could throw them out, etc. they were still alive. happily alive, and had actually grown. there were also 2 frogs in there, and a butterfly. it was a really pretty rainbow irridescent butterfly like i had seen at the butterfly conservatory. the butterfly flew out of the tank, and landed on the wall. then i was at work, and the butterfly was on one of the registers in the service bar. marlow, one of the bussers, touched one of its wings. i started yelling at him because once you touch their wings they can’t fly anymore. so then someone else touched the other wing, since it was already not going to be able to fly. i went over and took the butterfly and was holding it in my hand, and it sank its teeth into my palm. so i’m standing there with the butterfly in my hand, biting it, and i’m wondering if this is a problem…if this was some poisonous butterfly and now i was going to die from it’s venom. then i wondered, and asked my mom, who was there too, if butterflies even bite. i pulled it off my hand, and i dunno what happened after that.

lots of dreams about getting hired at the casino. one, was that they offered a car to transport you to and from the training sessions daily. they treated the employees very well.
posted by sara @ 3:46 PM

October 10, 2002

i was driving through the plaza parking lot. behind me was a red camero, and inside was larry from u2. he had a sign that said “pull over, or else”. so he was tailgating me, and i was trying to pull over so he could go around me, but he kept following me instead. so i turned down an aisle to park, and he followed me too. so i kept going around in circles trying to get out of his way. justin from nsync was standing outside of block buster and i waved to him, because i guess we were friends. i turned back onto the main drive of the parking lot, and i hit chris kirkpatrick from nsync who was riding a bike, with my car. he wasn’t hurt, and he looked at me and said hi to me. i managed to lose larry, and i guess park the car, because then i was going over to justin to find out where JC was, because i was dating JC. joey fatone walked by and said hi to me too. then JC started walking over because he had been in a different store. then everyone disappeared, so i was trying to find them again, and i went into fashion bug to see if they were shopping inside. the store was all torn apart and set up differently so that nsync could have privacy while shopping. i couldn’t find them in there so i left with my mom. we got in the car and were going to go home when michelle from work came up to the car and asked if we could drop her off at the doctors office that was across the street from the high school. we said sure, but instead of getting in the car she was going to hang onto the door. then i had a flashback, or premonition of what was going to happen to me in the future. in the future, justin was going to profess his love for me and steal me away from JC. i saw myself lying on a bed crying, and Justin leaving me. he was being really harsh, and unfeeling, and apologizing that he was leaving, but you could tell he didn’t care. he said that he couldn’t be with me anymore, but he’d send Darren from savage garden over for me next. darren came over and i expected him to rape me or something, but instead we just talked, and he acted like a shrink and helped me. then i was back to reality of driving michelle to the offices. my moms cell phone rang so i answered it because it was for me (i just knew it was for me). i thought it was Justin because he was the only one who knew my mom’s cell phone number. but it turns out it was trent, and he was my boyfriend and he was calling to see how i was. he had gotten out of work early and was making himself a drink. i could barely hear him so i never knew if he was still on the line or not. then we passed the doctors offices without letting michelle off, so we had to stop and let her get off the car. then we went home and i was still on the phone with trent, who i guess was actually nate. he was making a new answering machine message, and was just going to use some korn song as the message. i was irritated because i couldn’t hear on the phone, and i didn’t know if he was still on the other end or not so i was just like, i’m hanging up now, bye.
there was some other wackass dream i had but don’t remember what it was now.

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morning. not too much to say. i’m freezing. i got a bunch of stuff to do today now.

nakita called last night to see if i would work for her today, so i am, 4 – close. ended up talking to her for like, a half hour about this girl at work (who was the basis for the self centered post below, for those who were wondering) and how…self-centered she is basically lol. nate called around 10:30 from dunkirk. he sounded so exhausted. i gotta run to the mall real quick to pick up the porn star sunglasses from hot topic for his halloween costume – scottish porn star. i think they were like 10 bucks or something, so i gotta go to the bank since i have like 3 dollars. then i gotta do a bunch of crap with my room like clean and stuff, for the bed switch. my mom wants me to take all the stuff out of my toybox and put it in the basement for now since we have no storage boxes for it. yeah that’s so not gonna happen. there is so much shit in there (all my mj stuff) i’m not taking it in armfuls down to the basement. need a better idea here. oh well.

so i better go take a shower before the heat turns off, and run to the mall so i can do the rest of this shit before i have to leave for work at 3:30.

 

ok you know what. i don’t understand why my blog seems to be the only one that ever creates controversy. it’s like i can’t win. with the shit that went on in geneseo in january, that was obvious. that was my bad judgement, and it’s over and done with. so because of that i change things, i don’t mention names as much anymore. but that just leads to everyone fucking thinking what i say is about them. and no Mary this isn’t in direct response to you. this is in response to a whole summer of people asking me if certain posts were about them. it’s about Kurt asking me if i was mad at him for changing plans with me when i posted about how much i was irritated by things like that. when it had nothing to do with him. it’s about Carolyn asking me if certain posts were directed towards her.

so i’ll say all of this again. my blog is for me. it contains things that sometimes only mean anything to me. if you don’t like what i have to say then don’t read it. if there is something you want clarification or details on, just fucking ask me. i turned over a new leaf this summer, the whole “not my problem” stance, and it couldn’t be anymore true. I DONT REALLY CARE! i don’t talk about YOU because i don’t CARE. it’s not MY problem. it’s not MY problem until someone makes it MY problem. and i’m going to name names now…1. i don’t care about carolyn and kurt’s relationship because it’s not my problem. 2. i don’t care about the eric/mary/joe shit from june because it’s not my problem. 3. i didn’t care about danielle and nick’s relationship at the end of may, because it wasn’t my problem. etc etc etc. my feelings about things are known to the people involved, and that is where my involvement ends. and yes that is being EXTREMELY self-centered (as i admitted i was being in my self-centered post below), but i got tired of making myself SICK over everyone else. i was tired of crying over everyone else’s decisions. i have my own shit to deal with. my involvement begins when someone asks me to get involved. my involvement is being a good friend to people when they need it. and that’s it.

so i guess leave with this: it’s not about you. it’s all about me. me me me me me me me!

maybe i should re-think this whole blog thing. i can’t seem to stay out of trouble no matter what i do. and see i’m crying over this shit again. this is exactly what i DO NOT need.

 

i really wish nate was home. i need someone to yell to, and then cry on. today just hasn’t been all that great. and i feel like i’m going to die. hungry, but sick so i can’t eat, and now i gotta go to work. at least work will improve my mood, but i don’t think it’s going to make me physically feel any better. i wish i’d hurry up and die from the brain aneurism so then it wouldn’t hurt anymore. stupid neurologist telling me nothing is wrong. i wish i could give him my pain, then maybe he’d give me drugs that worked.

 

working for 3 hours is a waste of my time. seriously. 21$ before taxes, that’s 1 tank of gas. 6 hours over 2 days…but everyone keeps telling me how this is a good thing, because this time last year they wouldn’t have even had a host on the schedule. this gives me time to carve my pumpkin tonight, and find the rest of my costume.

my bed is now gone. my room looks weird haha. someone i know is pregnant. and i’m freezing. that is all.

Posted in: Personal

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worked for about 4 hours, then got sent home. it was real slow. we were only seating the back room cuz the main floor smelled like paint, and it never filled up. that’s how slow it was. i forgot to take my meds today so i have a wicked headache i’m trying to get rid of now.

my halloween costume has turned into being Janis Joplin…i only agreed cuz that means i could carry around a bottle of jack daniels haha. but mom bought me a wig, missy brought over a leather fringed vest, we have brown leather boots…just need some kind of skirt and then beads. oh got the wire rimmed glasses too. no one will know who i am, but it’s ok haha.

there is a radio show on right now about teenage depression. so of course, my mom suddenly thinks i have depression because i fit into all the symptoms they were describing. well, you’re about 8 years too late on that one mom. i’ve been happier the past year than i have been since i was a kid. wait til december, we’ll see what happens 😛 jk. seriously tho, it’s been a year since i saw u2 in hamilton, which was like, the turning point for my mood – with exception of january/february of this year, with all the geneseo shit. other than that, i’ve been pretty damn upbeat 😛

i’m getting involved in another web project with the 2 girls i worked with on the mps. since the mps is dying in january, we decided to do something else together. we got big dreams for this one, hehe.

oh yeah, it’s supposed to snow tonight.

 

1. parents are going away again. sometime mid november, to california. and i think they’re going away for thanksgiving too, for my cousin’s baby shower. but i’m not positive on that one. that would be the weekend right before nate leaves.
2. new bed by friday. taking my bed apart tomorrow, making room for my new frame etc. i guess my parents’ new mattresses come on friday.
3. i’m trying out a new hairspray – same brand, but less powerful. since my hair is too long to spike anymore anyway, i figure i should try something that claims to be more flexible.
4. mega friggen headache, not helped by playing “noah’s ark” for the past 5 hours and finally getting to 5 million points, where my rank is actually Noah…the next rank was at 999999999 and i was not about to play til that. but i figure you get to be god at that score LOL. for those of you who don’t know the game, popcap.com. it’s so dumb, but addicting.

 

my deep thoughts for today: people are so self centered. me included. but sometimes it really amazes me just how self centered some people are. it’s usually not something i think about, but today…something just opened my eyes, and it’s like wow you really think the world revolves around you. but i’m doing the same thing right now haha. we all suck.

Posted in: Personal