Author Archives: Elegant

it snowed more. not too much more, but more. southtowns got hit enough to have snow days already. not so much up here, but still…snow! i love snow when it first falls, and then the sun comes out the next day and cars drive on it and it gets gross. i think it’s time to bust out the actual real winter coat.

went to nate’s house in the afternoon, 3:30ish. the drive took forever because people are idiots. you live in buffalo, learn how to drive in the snow. you could see the pavement and i was behind someone going 25 in a 45. come on now people. anyway. helped nate pack – he’s got way too much shit. he can only take 80 lbs – 70 in the big suitcase. we weighed it and it was 92. he opened it up and took more stuff out, but he claims to need everything he has packed right away. i know this is just me, but it seems like a football, soccer ball, and then 3 other little balls are a bit much…but then i’m not athletic. shoes weigh too much too, but you kinda need those. so anyway. he’s got issues with the packing, because now he has to take a 2nd carryon and he doesn’t want to. crap like that. so he’s stressing out about that. took him to target to buy sheets because the ones he bought were the wrong kind, and then took him back home.

while it’s obvious i’ve been preparing myself for his departure since…well since the day we met…it still didn’t really hit me until last night. i’ve been upset most of the week, i’ve been trying to deal with this since we started dating…all that crap. but last night it hit me that today would be the last time we hung out…the last time i get to hug him…etc etc etc. so all day i kept thinking..this is the last time *fill in the blank here*…when i took him home after the store, i started crying…it was inevitable. i’m surprised i lasted that long, with helping him pack and everything – making things final. but yeah. he got a bit emotional himself, which i think surprised him a little.

i’m not upset anymore. i’m not upset about what i had been, at least. i’m just sad now. sad that he’s leaving, sad that i won’t get to see him for who knows how long. i know i’ll be fine. i could even be fine tomorrow. i might not be out trying to find someone new, but i’ll be fine. it’s not going to be as bad as i was anticipating i don’t think. we’ll see of course. all i know is that if my mom gets on my case right away with her “you can’t make yourself sick over nate leaving” i’ll smack her. give me a few days for christs sake.

so i have to get up at 5:15 ish tomorrow. his mom and dad are both going, but in seperate cars so they can go to work. they said they’re going to try to leave at 6, but nate wants to leave earlier. so i figure i’ll get up extra early, so that when he calls to say they’re leaving i’ll be ready. who knows what the weather is going to be like. more bands of lake effect snow are predicted (you can see them if you look outside, it’s way cool). i get to veg the rest of the night. i bought him a card, it’s stupid… they were all stupid (all 5 of them)…so i have to write that out. yeah.

i think its funny how my concept of time is so different from some people’s (aka nate and boys in general)…like today. he said he’d call when he woke up… he called at quarter to 3, and that wasn’t when he woke up. he said he’d be over at 4ish, he got here at quarter to 5 (and this was before it started snowing, so it didn’t take an hour to get to my house)…he says tomorrow i’ll have to go to his house if i want to see him cuz he wont have a car, and he’ll call me in the afternoon….2 ish… we’ll see what happens haha. when i say i want to spend the day with someone, i’m thinking like 12 is a good time to start that “day”….but for others, like 5 apparently is when the day starts lol.

anyway. so yeah. didn’t hear from nate til around 3, and made plans to do some more shopping, dinner, and then packing or whatever. so he came out here and got me, we went to the outlet mall and target. when we got out of target it had snowed like 3 inches…decided to catch dinner on the island, by the time we got to the bridge it had snowed like 2 more inches. so we’re driving around grand island trying to get to the restaurant we ate at on our first date (awww :P) but we couldn’t find it.. mainly cuz visability was about zero. he thinks we passed it and it had no lights on, so we drove back across the island to a place by his house. had dinner, and while we were eating it snowed like 3 more inches. oh yeah, this was all while driving around in the audi haha. so we went to his house after dinner, and played outside in the snow for about an hour. well mainly him and his brothers played and i watched, and got tackled a few times and yeah. his brothers were trying to pull eachother on skis using a bike. it was funny. then they played football. back inside to warm up, watch tv, pack stuff. and now i’m home. like i said, should hear from nate in the afternoon, and go out there to help pack, or watch more lol. whatever.

gotta find out about the airport. he thinks both his parents are going, he said they could drive me but we both agreed it would be more than ackward for them to have to drive me home so i’m driving myself. nate laughed because i’m gonna get to see his mom all upset (she already called dibs on the last hug), and i’m like yeah well HELLO i’m gonna be a bit of a wreck myself.

omg i am so cold. my calfs and feet are like frost bitten, cuz even after we came inside my pants and socks were all wet. OMG you know what was SO cool…there was LIGHTNING…SNOW and LIGHTNING. i’ve never seen that before…22 years in buffalo and i’ve never seen that until tonight. i was like WOAAAAH haha.

on the way home nate and i had a conversation about how we’re such elitists about being from the east coast. (cuz u know it’s the best coast hehe)…cuz after traveling a bit this summer, the east coast is just so much better than everywhere else. when we were in indiana the 3 of us kept making cracks about how lame the midwest was, and how much better the east coast was…then my mom was commenting on how much better we are being near NYC and Toronto, compared to LA and the west coast…it made me realize, i love the east coast. i don’t think i could leave the east coast. because we’re just so much better than the rest of the country. we’re so much more smart and civilized 🙂 *flashes gang sign* (which reminds me, nate and i were watching VH1s rock the house with Snoop, and they blurred out his hand when he flashed his gang sign or whatever, i found that odd since they didn’t bleep out most of his swearing haha (adr said i watched the show with her, not nate. she’s right haha) )

since we have like 10 inches of snow i figure i can post the start of my xmas wish list:
u2 best of dvd – out on tuesday. i might buy it on tuesday depending on how miserable i end up being. i might treat myself.
rock manager computer game
trivial pursuit – the past 20 years, new edition thing that is out now
electric blanket

that’s all i can think of right now.

i don’t get my mom. i guess she’s trying to help but it’s not working. she goes from telling me that there’s no point in trying to save my relationship with nate and make it work while hes gone – that my aunt and uncle who did it and got married are a fluke – that it never works…. to telling me that i can’t make myself sick over nate leaving, that long distance things can work, look at my aunt and uncle, they did it and got married. that i can save my money and go out and see him, or meet him someplace in europe.

well you know what, i can make myself sick over this, and i’m going to because i don’t have any other choice. i can’t make myself not feel this way. so shut the fuck up.

 

it was busy at work today. worked 6.5 hours. this is pretty much my last weekend there. there is no point in me staying hired there, since theres only really 4 days she can schedule me in the next 2 weeks (cuz they are no longer putting hosts on during the weekdays…and i need the 14th off to take the INS exam…). so i told her i’d let her know for sure tomorrow, and she thought it was probably a good idea. i just have to tell my parents now.

i don’t get to see nate til sunday afternoon or maybe evening. he’s having boys night tonight so he can say goodbye to his 2 best friends from high school. tomorrow night his parents are having christmas for him. so sunday…i’m having 2nd thoughts about going to the airport, because i’m going to be such a wreck…i know i’ll go anyway. it’ll be weird if his whole family goes too…his bros would have to miss school, and his mom would be late for work if they all went…so still don’t know what’s going on with that.

next saturday is girls night for a girl at works birthday. i guess we’re going to chippewa to get wasted. they’re getting a hotel, but i’m not going to stay. kristen doesn’t want to stay over either, so she said she’d drive the 2 of us so i can get drunk. since after january i’ll have no friends here anymore, larry volunteered to be my friend and take me out to bars. kristen joked that they were all going to turn me into an alcoholic.

well since blogger didnt publish this the first time, i’ll update this post. ended up going to wild wings with eric, amanda, karl and kelley for an hour. we’re big partiers. they might have a party up at RIT next weekend, and if it’s friday i’ll prolly go up. drag adr too. i’ll have nothing else to do since i won’t be working and have no friends.

he bought me a kung fu hamster.

 

so last night was good. i did nothing all day, headed out to nate’s house around 9. i gave him my going away present, and he had one for me too. as i said, the kung fu hamster, and this peppermint bark candy that is 20$ at williams sonoma but we saw cheaper when we went to premier last week. so after all that, we went to hard rock for band night. saved a table for the rest of the crew who showed up around 10. nothing else went as planned last night. first of all the plan was to do HRC to see Lucid and That 80s Hair Band and then rumors for dancing with the bonus parents. turns out rumors is closed on wednesdays, so plan B became going to HRC then the casino and maybe the hard rock club. well Lucid didn’t play…instead this crappy ass awful angry girl punk crap band played. they were so. fucking. bad. probably the worst band i’ve ever seen my entire life. they had a girl who’s sole job was to hula hoop, and dance badly, and every now and then play something like the tambourine or triangle…and to give out lollypops and throw tampons into the audience. it was awful. it was painful. that 80s hair band was good though.

we left before the band finished to go to the casino. we were all going to drive…that is until i got to the bridge and saw how backed up it was. nate and i went back to park and started walking across the bridge, but then adr called and said they weren’t going to wait on the bridge and it was too cold to walk – so it was off to dennys instead. we met them at dennys, had some food, and departed. nate and i came back to my house to chill for a while, watched some tv etc. took him home around 4. that was his self imposed curfew since his mom is making them all go to church today…at 9 am…which i don’t understand cuz it’s not a religious holiday. but whatever. sucks to be him.

so it was a good time. had fun. nate got to say goodbye to some HRC people. i finally got to straighten out my work stuff with the new casino job…oh yeah, guess how many hours i am scheduled next week… zero. isn’t that fantastic?

tuesday i’m going to the airport to say goodbye to nate. i wasn’t sure how that was going to work, i didn’t know if i was going to be working, when his flight was, or if he wanted me to go. but he asked me last night. he doesn’t really know what’s going on or who’s taking him (maybe his whole family, maybe just his dad), but his flight is ungodly early, so i’d have to like…leave to get to the airport at like 6am. he goes to philadelphia for 3 days to get orientated, and injected and prepared. then he flies to paris, then niger. it’s going to be awful haha. i’m glad i don’t work.

anyway. turkey today. happy thanksgiving to everyone. i work at 4, lucky me. even tho they keep saying it’ll be busy, and this weekend will be busy i’m finding it hard to believe. but whatever.

 

worked 3.5 hrs today, and made more money today than i did all last week. found out we got double time today since it was a holiday. isn’t that fabulous. there were 2 of us on tonight and i volunteered to leave when she made cuts. i didn’t feel like being there anymore. larry kept almost making me cry. carolyn and kurt stopped in to say hi for about a half hour.

and now i’m home. i have nothing to do, no where to go, nothing is open, i feel like just going to bed. i guess i’ll see what’s on tv. i gotta remember to tape the u2 special tomorrow night. who knows what work is going to be like, but all i know is that i’m leaving first. i’ll beg the girl. i’ll cry. i don’t care.

i guess i need to update. last night was pretty awful at times. it was clear i was unhappy, and awkward, and i think that made him very…awkward himself. it could have been way worse tho. a few times i caught him staring at me, and he would try to…i don’t even know what to call it…but pretend like things were normal. we went shopping a bit, to dicks and walmart, cuz he needed boots and crap. went to krispy kreme again, and to the beer place. then back to my house to watch tv. i gave him the letter, but he didn’t read it right away – he waited til my parents had come home and went to bed. so we talked about more stuff…i didn’t cry. not like anything was solved (how can it be when i want something i can’t have), but…we talked more, more stuff got explained, my one major fear was eliminated…and i feel better. i felt more better last night after he left than i do now, but…i might just feel bad now cuz i haven’t had anything to eat really in the last 24 hours. but anyway…he said he didn’t want things to be this way, he didn’t want this black cloud hovering over us this last week that he’s here, he wants to go out and have fun like we used to have so that’s the plan for tonight. last night i thought that sounded like something i could do, but right now i’m not so sure again…but i’m going to try. at least i’ll be with my friends too.

no plans for today. nate’s doing more errands to finish getting stuff for africa, plus his whole family is home now and they’re doing the whole big family dinner tonight. his sister wants to meet me, but i’m not sure if that’s gonna happen since i work the next 3 days. tonight is turkey day eve celebrations of band night at hrc and being forced to dance again at rumors. and then whatever else nate has planned for us.

i am unbelievably anxious. of course, about nate, and seeing him later. i have absolutely no idea how to act. i’m not sure i can bring myself to act the way i had been with him. because nothing is the same. i was fine talking on the phone last night when he called, but i don’t know about seeing him. i started having second thoughts about giving him the letter i wrote yesterday. because talking to him was ok, and i managed to spend most of yesterday not crying. things were ok. i’m not sure i want to bring it up again, but carolyn will yell at me if i don’t, and i know i have to do it. i just don’t know when. it depends when he comes over – after he takes the test, or if he’s going to go home to nap first – and if my parents are home, and if the situation is incredibly ackward. maybe if things are going ok, i won’t bring it up until the end of the night.

now i wish i didn’t know what the deal was, and that he would have left and i’d be here clueless as to what was really going on. i’d rather be experiencing the “left hanging” feeling than whatever this feeling i have now is.

adrienne came over last night. she IMed me to see if i was ok, and if she could do anything. i told her what she could do is not ask me about it. because if i talk about it i cry and i was just so tired of crying. so she came over and basically we watched tv all night, and talked about everything except what is going on. i feel bad that she’s one of my best friends and “not informed” on the situation but i just couldn’t. eventually…just not last night, not today, not til he leaves. i want to be able to save this last week. that’s what it is now…7 days.

ok i need to get control of myself and get some stuff done here before my parents come home. no clue if my dad is coming home or staying at the airport til my mom arrives, she doesn’t arrive til 10pm…

i’m going to try not to spend all of today crying. but i’m not sure how well that’s going to work. i need to get out of my house, because if i don’t i will cry all day again. i can’t not think about it, i can’t not think about what was said last night. i woke up in the middle of the night and the first thing i thought was about what was said last night, and i wanted to cry again. this morning i woke up a billion times, and each time i immediately started replaying last night. i wish i would have waited to bring it all up until next weekend. i don’t know why getting confirmation of what i knew all along is making me feel this awful. i would like to have this last week spent in blissful ignorance, but i ruined that by bringing it up yesterday. and now i have to look at him the rest of this week and know how he feels, or doesn’t feel. and it’s killing me.

 

well…i managed to spend more time not crying today than i did yesterday. i wasn’t going to talk about what was said last night with anyone, cuz it doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else, but i had to. so carolyn got to be privledged. got that out, cried lots, but felt slightly better – better enough to start my day in hopes i could manage to not cry anymore. but that didn’t really last all that long, because i decided there was too much still bothering me, and too much flying around in my head. so i wrote nate another letter. letter writing is cathartic. it’s 3 pages. it was 2, front and back, but i kept adding to it. cried more while i was writing it, but felt better. i had to write it because i don’t think i’ll be able to bring it up on tuesday. i don’t think there will be a good opportunity because my parents will be back home, and we won’t have anywhere to go where we can be alone. i assume mom will be unpacking, and thus upstairs, so we can’t escape to my room. and dad will take over the basement. maybe late, once they’re in bed, after we do whatever it is we’re going to do tomorrow…

so yeah. nate said he’d call tonight. he was having lunch with his best friend’s parents today, then studying for the GRE. turns out they took the analytical part (aka the part i kicked fucking ass on) and replaced it with an essay. so i can’t compare scores with nate and rub it in that i’m an analytical master 🙂 he’s taking the GRE tomorrow. then we’re doing something at night – i’m going to suggest the tons of beer place, since when i mentioned i heard about it, his eyes lit up like a little boy. wednesday night is lucid and that 80s hair band at HRC, then rumors with the bonus family. traditional night before thanksgiving out, and while i plan to get wasted, i promise i won’t almost die this year. of course, getting wasted might be bad, cuz i’ll get all emotional and i could see myself totally ruining the night by crying my eyes out… but whatever. then i get to work and not see nate, if he’ll even have the time to hang out. see how that goes i guess.

speaking of work. got confirmation about the casino stuff. she called today. training starts on the 9th, i’m in the evening class which starts at 5:30 and classes are mon – fri for 2.5-3 weeks. does that go into xmas? i’m not sure. but anyway. i have orientation on dec 5th tho, and it’s like all day long. so i’m really assuming i have a guaranteed job and it’s not conditional on whether or not i pass the class (haha yeah, like i’m going to fail). i tried to call mgr at work to let her know i can’t work at all on the 5th, and tell her for sure about the classes but of course she wasn’t there. she’s NEVER there. it’s been probably 3 weeks since i’ve seen her – the day i had to argue about getting off to go to indiana. she’ll be there wednesday, and she’s gonna give me shit about not letting her know ahead of time that i need the 5th off. i’ll just quit right there. my check for the past 2 weeks was 166$…the next check i get will be under 100 i’m sure. i don’t need that. kinda funny though, i got a postcard from the company today saying i qualify for health insurance starting on xmas. funny cuz i don’t qualify, u have to work 18 hrs a week in order to qualify.

learned a lesson today. never make plans when you work at hard rock in the off season. three times now i’ve told nate, i should get out by such and such a time, only to have that time come and go and me still be at work. this time, i was going with the average send home time of 1/1:30 so we could go to the bookstore to get the discount etc. he calls work at 1:30 to see if i was leaving soon cuz he needed a ride to the mechanic. no release time in site due to a party of 10 coming in an hour late at 2, so i told him to go do what he had to do, i’d call when i was leaving. 5 min later mgr says i can leave soon, only for us to get slammed with one server on. we had almost a full restaurant. probably did more business in an hour today then we did all week. so needless to say, i stayed. didn’t leave til 3:30 and by that time, couldn’t get the discount anymore cuz our contact got out at 3:30…

of course, i call nate at 3:30 and tell him no clue when i’d be getting out, that we couldn’t go shop, but i wanted to go get dinner. as soon as i hang up, i get sent home. so went to nates house to get him, decide what to do etc. came back here to change and find out when we could go to the bookstore, and we ended up taking a nap for 2 hours haha. he’s still sick with a cold and was tired, so we napped til 6:30 and then i treated him to a fancy expensive dinner at ted’s hot dogs 🙂 with 99cent hot dog coupons. big spender i am. ended up renting 12 monkeys, came back here to watch.

middle of the movie someone knocks on my front door. even with nate here, it scared the shit out of me. so i made him come downstairs to see who it was, and it was no one. of course, now i’m freaked out even more. so he went outside to look around and in the backyard, no sign of anyone. he comes back inside and the phone rings. i’m like oh wtf. it was like a scene out of a scary movie haha. turns out it was my neighbor with something for my mom, but then realized i was home and if she was me, she wouldn’t want to be bothered haha. i told her she scared me to death, so she invited me to stay there if i get scared again haha.

so anyway…at one point nate mentioned niger, and how i appear to be doing well with it…or that i hide it well. so i said i hide it well. that was pretty much the end of me, i started to sorta cry. just tears, not like, bawling or anything. but i can’t speak, and could feel him staring at me. it was dark so it took him a bit to realize i was crying, but then he did, and had to twist the knife a bit more by saying “it’s hard for me to leave you here.” yeah, lost it a bit more. he said we could talk about it, but i was in no position to speak coherently so i managed to say “what’s there to talk about?” even tho i have oodles and oodles of things i want to say…he kept making me face him, instead of burying my head in my pillows…haha he said he’s been looking all over for a kung fu hamster for me. mom called in the middle of all this, which killed the conversation basically. there was some other stuff, but not important…spent the rest of the time til i took him home sorta reminiscing, oddly enough, and him trying to be slightly emotional and sweet. had some other sorta bizarre conversations about high school social order hah.

i don’t know what’s going on tomorrow. i don’t work again til thanksgiving night, lucky me. then i work thurs night, fri night, sat swing. and nate leaves 3 days later isn’t that super. nate’s friend is in town for one night only, i asked if i get to meet him cuz he’s the only friend i haven’t met, so i guess i get to be privledged to do something with them for a few hours tomorrow before they do their own thing. that’s fine. don’t misunderstand me, or think i’m mad. cuz i’m not. i’m kidnapping nate on saturday.

i finally saw a picture of nate’s last girlfriend, who he was with for over a year. he said it was a bad picture of them, and that she wasn’t very photogenic, but my god i’m so much better looking than her hahah.

i’m freezing.

 

3-7 inches of snow predicted tonight as it gets colder and the rain freezes. heaviest snowfall predicted during rush hour…maybe it’ll be another city shutting down blizzard like last thanksgiving. er 2 ago. when everyone got stuck in their cars. i’m going to assume we get a dusting.

i forgot to mention. killed a site the other night. macphisto society is dead. it had a good run, it ended. i wrote one last mega killer post for it, caused alot of controversy, so we killed the site 🙂

 

someone had to win tonight’s game…. AND THIS TIME IT WAS BUFFALO!!!!! FINALLY! and we got a new owner too!

waste of a day. did nothing. didn’t really start my day til 2…did nothing, watched tv, watched ghostbusters 2 haha. i ventured out in the snow for taco bell dinner, and to go to the bookstore to get nate’s gift (i figure it’s better to get it when he’s not with me). came back here, continued to do nothing. watched more tv, hockey game, and now i’m sitting here haha. I HAVE SUCH AN EXCITING LIFE!!

tomorrow is kidnapping day. i don’t really know what to do. i want to go photographing (pronounced photog – rafing)…we’ll see how it goes, trying to get to the terminal. if that doesn’t work out, i’m gonna aim for forest lawn cemetery. it did snow a bit (but not even an inch here) so it would be pretty, and i can find stuff to use my black and white film on. but once that is over, who knows. maybe it’ll snow more tonight and we can go make a snow man 😛 hehe. night brings the date with eric and tiff…and no clue what to do for that either. i saw a coupon for this place called Alternative Brews – beer specialty bar…150 beers etc. i know nate would like that, and eric has become a beer conasseur (sp, i know) of sorts too…so that would work, except tiff isn’t 21 so i’m not sure if we’d be able to go or not. they have blues on saturday nights – so i’m figuring they’d be checking IDs at the door and not just if you were ordering alcohol, but we’ll see.

during the game tonight someone came and knocked on the front door – again. i figured it was my neighbor again, nope, it was some strange guy. OF COURSE when i’m home alone. he was petitioning the neighboorhood for environmental crap and wanted me to give him money and i managed to say no. so then he just wanted me to write a letter to the governor and tape it to the door so he could come back and pick it up. so i did. total social psychology at work there. he asks for a donation while i sign the petition, then says they want 60$ so i say no, so he says how about 30$, and i’m like no, so he says anything you can give, and i say no, so he says write a letter. lol. i forget the actual term for that process, but we learned about it. you ask for something really big, that you know you won’t get, so you can ask for what you really want and it seems like not a big deal. i wonder if he came back to pick up the letter…

yay for isketch the greatest time waster ever.

so today. yeah. nate called in the early afternoon, he was sick. he stayed in bed all day. i ended up going to an early dinner out with my mom cuz i was starving. came back here, and eric was home for break. so he came here, called nate as i was instructed to wake him up. his line was busy and he ended up calling here just as picked the phone up again to call him. it was weird, cuz it didn’t even ring. he was still feeling crappy and going to stay in, so eric and i headed out to the thrift store, then back to his house cuz we’re losers with nothing to do. party moved to adr’s house so eric could see it, sat there for a while, then denny’s. just like old times. it was great. just need danielle back. soon, soon we’ll all be here to hang again.

so tomorrow. work for an hour or two, get nate, go shop, then ? mom’s flight is at 2, but she’ll be gone before i get home.

OH the casino called today finally, to let me know what’s going on. training is aimed to start dec 9th. yep rad.