i am unbelievably anxious. of course, about nate, and seeing him later. i have absolutely no idea how to act. i’m not sure i can bring myself to act the way i had been with him. because nothing is the same. i was fine talking on the phone last night when he called, but i don’t know about seeing him. i started having second thoughts about giving him the letter i wrote yesterday. because talking to him was ok, and i managed to spend most of yesterday not crying. things were ok. i’m not sure i want to bring it up again, but carolyn will yell at me if i don’t, and i know i have to do it. i just don’t know when. it depends when he comes over – after he takes the test, or if he’s going to go home to nap first – and if my parents are home, and if the situation is incredibly ackward. maybe if things are going ok, i won’t bring it up until the end of the night.

now i wish i didn’t know what the deal was, and that he would have left and i’d be here clueless as to what was really going on. i’d rather be experiencing the “left hanging” feeling than whatever this feeling i have now is.

adrienne came over last night. she IMed me to see if i was ok, and if she could do anything. i told her what she could do is not ask me about it. because if i talk about it i cry and i was just so tired of crying. so she came over and basically we watched tv all night, and talked about everything except what is going on. i feel bad that she’s one of my best friends and “not informed” on the situation but i just couldn’t. eventually…just not last night, not today, not til he leaves. i want to be able to save this last week. that’s what it is now…7 days.

ok i need to get control of myself and get some stuff done here before my parents come home. no clue if my dad is coming home or staying at the airport til my mom arrives, she doesn’t arrive til 10pm…