didn’t get out of bed til 12 today. i kept kinda half falling asleep, and just didn’t feel like getting up. i love my new bed, even if it doesn’t make me sleep any better, or wake up not in pain (i still wake up with a headache almost every day), i just never want to leave it.

so when i did get up, i was anticipating my mom yelling at me to get a new job, but she didn’t. she made me breakfast haha. she just took in the roll of film with halloween pics on it, so i’ll get those scanned and up before i leave for work probably. if not, later when i get home since i’m sure they’ll let me go around 8 again.

i just watched part of MJ’s dangerous concert on vh1…again..watched it yesterday too, as if i haven’t seen it 402895 times already. it makes me sad. it makes me sad for the current mj, and long for the days of old lol. i’ve said this all before, but it just made me realize it once again. he had so much energy, you could tell he was giving the show everything he had. and now, using the 30th anniversary as a comparison, it’s like he’s only blindly going through the motions because he has to, not because he wants to. despite what sandy says about how happy he is now (since she just went and hung out with him 3 more times recently), something is missing. he’s missing the slightly cocky attitude, and the sly little impish smile he used to give back in the day…i dunno. but it makes me sad. for some odd reason, my favourite part of the live show is “beat it” even tho it’s far from being one of my favourite songs. it’s just so energetic, and great, and he’s got such an attitude during it lol. i think i’m going to watch the history show from munich after work to compare to dangerous…just feel like it. i’ll have nothing better to do with my time.

right, last night danielle sent me the directions her dad used to get to her place in indiana. so i wrote them all down etc, and then just checked yahoo to see if they were the same. they’re not. they’re not even close to being the same. danielle used mapquest directions, which is 580 miles and 9.5 hours…yahoo directions are 551 miles and 8.5 hours. so i looked at some other map sites, who all give the mapquest directions, or these really bizarre directions that take you into down town buffalo, and then onto the 90?!?!?. the yahoo directions keep you on the 90 through PA, OH and into IN, then south on state highways…mapquest takes you on the 90 until Ohio, then south through columbus, into Indiana, and then north through Indianapolis to danielle’s…which really doesn’t make ANY sense to me. so i checked them all out on the atlas, and asked my dad what he’d do and i’m going with the shorter yahoo directions. it seems easier to stay on the 90 forever and then go south, than to get off the 90, go south, and then north again…so anticipating that everything goes right, and we leave on time, we should get to danielles around 6pm, giving us the whole night to do whatever. did i mention we’re going to find shannon hoon’s grave? haha cuz we are. it’s in a cemetery in a town 9 miles away.

hehe i get to vote tomorrow, in a REAL voting booth, for the first time…no stupid absentee ballot anymore. yay. yes, this does excite me, shut up.


crying, thanks to my mom, who would NOT shut up about nate leaving. i said I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, she keeps going on about how it’s unusual for a relationship to last over 2 years apart, and i say I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, and she says i cant bury my head in the sand about it. AS IF I DONT FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT EVERY GODDAMN DAY. every fucking day i think about it when i wake up in the morning, every fucking day i think about it before i go to bed. not to mention EVERYONE ELSE who CONSTANTLY asks me what’s going to happen when he leaves. I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. then she goes on about how her and my dad think i’m going to become even more of a recluse when he leaves AS IF I DONT THINK ABOUT IT.

WELL I DO. EVERY FUCKING DAY. how can i NOT think about it? how can i NOT think about what i’m going to say to him, to find out what he thinks we should do while he’s gone. how can i NOT think about how i’m going to tell him what *I* want to happen. EVERY DAY. SO DONT FUCKING ASK ME ANYMORE.


do i have “ask me about nate” tattooed to my forehead? not one, but 2 other people asked me about him leaving today. i was upset enough as it was, and trying not to cry all the way to work, and then it just got worse.

i get to work and talk to mgr about being scheduled on saturday. she’s like, yeah i got your note. you left it here monday (last monday, not today obviously). i’m like yeah, that’s when i found out i needed off. she’s like, i didn’t get it til yesterday i was on vacation and had premade the schedules. you need to give me longer notice than that etc. she was being completely condescending to me about getting the request in “late”… she never makes the schedules normally until the day before they get posted, so there is one reason i didn’t think it’d be a problem. i also didn’t know she was on vacation and wouldn’t get my note. and as i told her, i left the note as soon as i found out i needed off. she’s like yeah i understand, but blah blah blah it’s a no call no show if you don’t come in. there was no one to take my shift, no one i could call, i couldn’t even call the host, turned retail person cuz he was working too…so she said she’d talk to the other mgrs at the meeting to see if potsmoker could host instead of bussing, and then it would be ok…so now i’m freaking out sorta, since i’m already upset, and pretty much crying again….so after the meeting i go and see if it’s ok so i can call him, and she’s like, we talked it over and we decided we’ll just cancel your shift for saturday because we’re not real busy BUT you have to get requests in earlier. LIKE I DO THIS ALL THE TIME OR SOMETHING. she’s like, i know you don’t do this alot, and don’t bother me all of a sudden saying you need off, but blah blah blah… it was just so seemingly rude and condescending, i was really irritated. i don’t take advantage of them and their kindness…she’s like, i try to give you hours since you have open availability blah blah blah, like i’m inconveniencing them by needing saturday off, and taking advantage of them… whatever.

so while the mgrs were in the meeting, and my saturday was in limbo, i go to talk to the retail girl and she goes “so what are you gonna do?” i’m like, oh god please don’t let this be what i think it’s gonna be about…so i ask her, about what, and she goes “nate leaving.” so i fucking start crying again. i’m like I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. and she’s like yeah, i know how it feels (cuz she was just in the same sort of situation), and then she realized i was crying so she’s apologizing and trying to change the subject, and i’m apologizing for crying and saying how i’m only upset cuz my mom had brought it up earlier. so i had to go get some air, cuz i was all crying again, and i had to seat someone and blah it sucked. but i got control of myself again and was fine the rest of the night. i was fine even when the 2nd person asked me about nate.

so anyway. the casino job thing still might be in the works. turns out one of the bartenders just got hired to deal because she knows the pit boss. so i’m like, u gonna help me out? haha so she gave me her name to put on the application, and is gonna call the guy and tell him to get my application out tomorrow, after i go re-apply. so cross your fingers again. i need to get out of hard rock.

“Researchers: Gay sheep brains different” OMG there are such things as homosexual SHEEP!? i didn’t realize the animal world would have homosexual animals… LOL

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