very dead night, with a small touch of excitement for a few seconds. and i got the added responsibility of taking over reassignment tonight. doesn’t mean anything to non casino people, but…it was sort of a privaledge. i don’t know how to spell that word. whatever. so yeah. got to leave early as well. bonus for me.

and congrats to tampa bay winning the stanley cup. yay for teams who were shitty for years and miraculously became better over night (or over 2 seasons hehe). gives hope for the sabres

i hate me. i hate you. and you and you and you. and i hate it. and i hate them. and i hate us. and i hate me. and i hate my head. and i hate my heart. and i hate you. and i hate everything.

trying very very hard not to do what i think i need to do, because that’s not how i want things to be. but i can’t take this anymore.

awiepjru salfija w;oeiur as;oiefuj wa;oeiur as;odfi jalsdfj

i’ll be fine. i’m always fine.

a fellow cancerian at work enlightened me as to why i was in such a horrifically miserable mood today…the full moon this week. so i will blame the moon and let it take responsibility for me being such a fuck head.

made me feel better.

then lior made me talk about what he always makes me talk about, and made me get all emotional on my game. at least i didn’t have any players at that point. yes i actually dealt for 8 hours again. it’s amazing how fast the time goes by when i’m dealing compared to flooring. anyway. i wonder if lior realizes he makes me cry every time we talk.

i’m exhausted. must force myself out of bed in the morning to develop my film and maybe put together the cd i owe james.

 

a semi productive day. developed my film. it’s horrid. the whole roll was metered wrong. and the negatives are covered in dust. blah. cleaned the kitchen. washed the floor. made james cd which he is going to hate.

talked to McNate for a while. turns out melinda had a baby 8 months ago and is getting married. i had no clue. i was thinking about them when we went to the orgy shows cuz they were big fans before too. we’re going to try to figure out a day to hang out, maybe go to the continental again. had lots of fun last time.

now time for work.

i huuuuuuuuurt. i need a massage badly.

should go sleepies now. need to be up ultra early for the boat tour thing. should be fun/pretty.

and now…for THE BEST NEWS ALL YEAR…*drum roll* CREED HAS BROKEN UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “Rock band Creed, whose spiritually tinged music sold more than 30 million albums worldwide, has broken up after more than eight years as its members pursue new projects. ” HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i guess God just had enough of scott stapp acting like him.

however, the bad news…scott stapp is apparently working on his solo album with the tea party….BAD TEA PARTY BAD! you’re coolness level just dropped through the basement.

 

you know that whole thing i do, where i alienate everyone i know…i think i’m doing a pretty good job of it lately…

so the boat tour thing. it was cool. went around the harbor and into the buffalo river. unfortunately one of the bridges wouldn’t lift, so we couldn’t continue along the river to see the other elevators. slightly disappointing. turned around and went down towards bethlehem steel, then back towards the peace bridge. discovered someplace we absolutely need to get access too somehow…the great northern elevator. so pretty.

got lunch near bob then went to the terminal for a few hours. sometimes i get overwhelmed by the fact that buffalo has something so beautiful.

need to remember to get tickets for hedwig on stage in rochester on wednesday.

help. i’m trying to find out this literary reference. in college short fiction class we read a story about a girl who meets this boy who possibly is new to town. i thought his name was alistair friend. i can’t find anything using his name on google. the plot is, he is trying to get her to go somewhere with him in his car. he has weird mannerisms about him and is sorta creepy. i have no idea what the name of the story is, or who wrote it. that’s what i’m trying to figure out. and i’m trying to figure it out because i think it’s referenced in an orgy song off candyass….any ideas? you english ppl out there, help me.

*update* i found it and it’s arnold friend, not alistair. which means my literary reference is…not one. that’s a shame. i’m disappointed now.

 

it’s with great sorrow to report that my skin got some color when we were in asbury. i have a very faint, but noticable to me, watch tan. must remember sunscreen tomorrow.

apparently the reason the previous tennant left our house is because he thought it was haunted. SPECTACULAR!

i think there was a blast today. didn’t hear it, but felt shaking…so it was a blast or there was a small earthquake.

and what is wrong with jennifer lopez?! she’s getting married again? already? to marc antony?!?

so i’m back!! here goes nothing…

headed out pretty early for asbury and made decent time despite some traffic en route to the thruway. yahoo weather was predicting severe thunderstorms for asbury during the afternoon and night, but we got there around 3 and everything was perfectly sunny and warm. score. but before that…when we got into new jersey there was a sign for “the land of make belief”…the possibility that it was abandoned made us have to find it. but to our dismay it was fully functioning and full of people. they had fun signs that we went back at night to try to steal with no success. haha.

drove past the back end of the palace, where they started demolition. everything is still fenced as it was when we were there in november. the back wall and half of the building has been torn down, but the front half (where tillie is) and the attractions under that part of the roof were intact still (er well…urbex intact i should say). we parked at the stone pony, and walked along the beach side of the casino instead of parking in front of it like last time. the casino was very freshly and newly boarded up since november. the 2 entrances that were on the sides last time were enclosed, and the missing panel out front was fixed. seemed as if there would be no entering the casino. the one promising thing was…there were 2 vans there from a company that i now want to start (more later) doing work inside the casino. we stood around waiting to see if they’d come out but they didn’t. so we walked over to the palace…

the most amusing thing to me is how many people were around. while we were walking to the palace a woman parked and got out with a camera. an older man on a bike stopped with a camera. while we were talking to the woman and casing the property there was another man on the other side taking pictures. 1 in every 3 cars stopped or slowed to look. the whole time we were there at least 15 people came to see the palace. anyway…walking around with pink shirt lady, we found weak fence areas. suddenly the fence just fell right open. for such a dead town there were alot of cars passing by. we would run in behind the fence, take a picture, run out. take a brick, run out. and by then i just said fuck it and ran into the debris. o.m.g. i hate those bastards. such a pretty place, gah. most of the castle was still standing, and other various parts of rides that had once been inside. so colorful and just wonderful. as i was intending to walk out, i see leighanne walk by the outside of the fence and she yelled stay. i’m like oh shit. so i ran and hid behind the orient express structure thing. stood there hiding for a while. i didn’t know what to do, i kept peeking out but didn’t see her or any cops. i was seriously shaking and anxiety filled. i didn’t REALLY want to get arrested haha. i figured she would have to come back for me and let me know it was safe to come out, so i just hung out there til she did finally come back for me. it probably felt like i was waiting longer than i was, but i feel as if it was at least 15 minutes.

turned out the local foot patrol police or whoever had come by and asked her and pink shirt lady what they were doing. they had tickets in hand. pink shirt lady sacrificed herself for me and engaged them in conversation while stealthily leading them towards the casino and away from me. when they turned the corner onto the board walk leighanne gave me the all clear sign and i was able to get out. by that time, 2 more youngish people with cameras showed up. they all saw me run out, so everyone else figured game on. the 2 of them went in, pink lady and her husband (who had just shown up) went in, followed by 3 more people who happened to arrive while i had been inside. and they weren’t stealth about it at all. hahaha.

leighanne and i left them to go back and see if the workers were around the casino. walked around there and waited, no sign of them. pink lady and husband came over and we tried to find an entrance in, but still no dice. watched more people show up at the palace, then we decided to go back in again. before leaving we checked out the metropolis hotel and called to see how much they were selling it for (2 million for the lot, the building isn’t worth saving or restoring). by then it started torrential downpouring, so we headed out.

pretty successful trip i think. have some souveniers in the trunk. after asbury we went to freehold (where bruce springsteen lives) for dinner at a pizza place he frequents (but no sign of him). then headed back to asbury because of the nice lighting conditions (sunset, clouds, but the rain had stopped).

asbury becomes a much scarier place once the sun sets. with nothing else to do we started the drive home. stopped for the night in watkins glen, at a hotel my parents and i would stay at a few times a year. talk about trip down memory lane. it was exactly as i remembered it. stopped at wixons before we left for home this morning…also found a closed semi-abandoned winery (used to be the home of the barrel people) but couldn’t/didn’t try to do any exploring because people were living next to it.
now…i found a new career. the people doing work at the casino were photographers. they’re van said the company did “current condition documentation”…which is just an uppity legal way to say “we do urbex and get paid”….we took a picture of the van with the company name and website so i’m going to look them up. i figure it can’t be too hard to start a service like that. get some asbestos gear, hire lawyers to figure out liability waivers and insurance and stuff. and then cameras. from what we could see inside the casino, they had things set up on tripods, with these marker things that i can’t quite figure out the purpose of. so it’s probably more complicated than i’m thinking, but that’s ok. must definitely look into it. there are lots of places in buffalo that could use current condition documentation. it’s all sort of funny, because the times i was at the terminal last year without permission, that was going to sort of be my story to the cops if we got busted. that i/we were doing work for the CTRC documenting the building’s current condition.

so anyway. good good trip.

and i decided that blue, is absolutely not my color. maybe it’s just this blue shirt doesn’t really go with THE urbex pants, but…i dunno. it makes me feel like a boy. it’s such a fun shirt tho.

horrorscope: Venus, the planet of values, is opposing Pluto, the planet of influence, encore. Thus, it could once again be on the high side of difficult to ignore your feelings about an artistic, commercial, romantic, etc., situation that is (still) under discussion and consuming a fair bit of mental energy – and you may be thoroughly disinclined to do so.

might drive to nj this “weekend” if leighanne can get wednesday off again. go see the remains of the palace. and risk arrest by going into the casino – they’re just going to tear it down anyway. probably not good timing to get arrested since the state is reviewing my gaming license but oh well. if you want to come along, let me know.

was almost late for work…well not really. but i remembered i had to leave for work at 6 at 5:50 LOL. so i threw on clothes makeup and tried to unmessup my hair, and left. still made it on time for the 6:15 bus so i could eat dinner at work before my shift. and i got out at 1:30 so that was cool.

i think i might get myself a paper journal. not like i or anyone will be able to read my horrific handwriting, but i think it might be a good idea. to get down what’s really swimming in my mind without having to censor it for the viewing public. i have all sorts of good intentions but i know i could go buy it and i’ll never write in it…

i need a new book to read. i finished the dice man…wasn’t happy with the ending, but it goes along with the rest of the book so it’s cool i guess.

the curse is over. my section didn’t lose money tonight despite the fact doug was the pit. yay. hahah…

i realized why i’ve felt so physically shitty recently. i think i was taking too many pain pills. so i forced myself to stop and went through withdrawl and now i feel better. i ran out of excedrin which is why i kept taking the prescription ones. i keep forgetting to go buy more.

i dreamed about this pvc buckle skirt that james showed me the other day. haha. the chinese store at the outlet mall has this cool pants thing..i thought it was a skirt, but it’s not. it just looks like a skirt when it’s on. hard to explain. anyway. i want it. but i dunno when i’d ever wear it so i guess i won’t waste my money.

developed the roll of film james gave me to do, and finally updated the terminal’s site. so next on the list is adding my vacation photos, and apparently dansville photos, to institutional green. i thought i had put dansville up but guess not. then after that, delirious redesign. i’m also going to try to start keeping my dream site up to date again. i’m going to redesign that too so that it’s easier for me to maintain.

i still feel mentally unwell…i’m just not happy for the most part. i don’t know why. i feel very mean spirited at times. rebellious maybe. like i want to revolt against everyone in my life. go into hiding. don’t know why. don’t think it would help if i did. i don’t get it. whatever. i feel like i’m on trial for some reason. walking on egg shells as if not to offend the jurors who will be passing judgement on me in the near future. don’t want to do the wrong thing. don’t want to say the wrong thing. none of it makes sense really. never really cared much about what others thought of me before. don’t know why i seem to care now. this is me. take it or leave it.

desparate is an appropriate term i think.

whatever

but leighanne finally found us a glowing flamingo, which made me laugh when i got home tonight. yay.

work was much better today than yesterday. mainly cuz doug wasn’t the pit, so therefore my section didn’t lose money. always makes it an easier night. highlight came when a guy puked all over his friend and the floor. just thanked heavens that he didn’t puke on the table. that would have been WAY worse…

my heart is beating so badly again. i don’t know what’s wrong with it since when i had the tests done last feb they said that i didn’t have the valve problem (tho my dr still thinks i do)….it had been good for a while, now…bad again.

so…the bad news. the palace in asbury park was demolished this week.  tho i don’t have as much of an attachment to it as leighanne does, it’s sad. seeing the photo she linked in her blog really hit the heart. how lame, we’re upset over a building. i don’t know what i’d do if bct or bob was demolished.

i should go to bed. i want to go to the outlet malls sidewalk sale tomorrow. need new/more summer shirts. i bought some cute ones at kmart of all places the other day. need some things to do crafts with. maybe i’ll finally make my kiss the future shirt that i’ve wanted to make for oh…5 years now.

also figure i should update institutional green with the vacation photos and maybe this weeks crappy bct photos…

work was horrible. every time, without fail, i try to get out early i get suited up. so of course, that’s what happened tonight. got a horrible migrane that 4 excedrine only put a dent in. i wanted to go home early and take a half point again (since they get erased at 6am today) but i stayed. and poor doug, every time he’s my pit, my section looses horribly. so once again, one of my tables dumped 1000s of dollars…i thought i was going to get stuck doing overtime but by some miracle they let me out on time. dunno about my dealer though…

and then i’m getting screwed. all last month i’m working 5 floor days a week. but now here comes a holiday where we get paid double time and i get to deal. my whole whopping 10$ an hour instead of 260 for monday. i’m going to complain. a few others already did. it’s just really not fair. especially when new dual rates who got promoted THIS WEEK are flooring on the holiday, but the last batch of dual rates are all dealing.

so work was crap. felt like crap. so tired.

now i feel emotionally like crap. so many things i want to say and i can’t even begin to express them. i feel completely worthless at the moment, after feeling as if things were on the right track. i’m such a fucking idiot. i don’t know why i delude myself so much. i used to think i was so in touch with reality. and i’m not. not in the slightest. i continue to create these illusions around me…or rather my little fantasies that i start to believe in, cuz i’m so fucking stupid. i want to hide. it’d be easier if i could just make everything go away. my head. my life. everything

 

 

from nin.com

question: you seem to be an intensely private and isolated person. yet you can scrape out your soul and present the results to millions of people. what gives?

trent: shy, loner misfit type writes personal lyrics from journal figuring the world won’t notice. world unexpectedly notices. shy, loner, misfit type retreats further feeling unnaturally exposed.

james came over at 5 am to cheer me up. made me muffins.