Author Archives: Elegant

WHY. CAN’T. MY. BRAIN. DO. WHAT. I. KEEP. TELLING. IT. TO. DO!?

WHY CAN’T I JUST BELIEVE WHAT I KEEP TELLING MYSELF TO BELIEVE!?

Perfect little dream the kind that hurts the most
Forgot how it feels well almost
No one to blame always the same

I tried
I gave up
I tried
I gave up
I tried
I gave up
I tried
I gave up
I tried
I gave up
I tried
I gave up
I tried
I gave up
I tried
I gave up

 

these are the most perfect lyrics i’ve heard in a long long time

Sometimes I think I’m scared
Sometimes I know
I feel like making love
Sometimes I don’t
I feel like letting go
Maybe not
I feel like giving up
Is all we got

Sometimes is all the time
And never means maybe
Sometimes is all the time
Maybe

not only did joanne not say that my hair was an inappropriate color, she said she really liked it. so did everyone else. i’m told it makes me look glowing. it’s SO NOT ME. it’s funny, all the new dealers are like ooooh you dyed your hair. i’m like, you haven’t worked here long enough to witness my chameleon hair lol. some of the older dealers said, what color next. i said, tomorrow it’ll be red. haha.

but yeah. people like it. and as i said. it’s just not me. i’m not a blond(orange). i don’t feel that it suits me, or that i feel comfortable in it. which is weird.

tomorrow is laundry, and maybe hair dye, and maybe developing the b&w roll from the terminal. and non party invitations. work at 6 again, can’t sleep all day tomorrow. cuz i have to see the parents sunday (fathers day, moms birthday). oh crap, i need to find something else to buy my mom…gah.

 

i had another dream about throwing up. maybe i never mentioned the first one. last week i dreamed i was at my grandparents house and i couldn’t stop throwing up. it was one of those dreams where you can feel the actions, so i could feel the whole thing, and it was not pleasant. the new one, i had gone to see a movie with someone, and the movie was advertised as being really really revolting and disgusting. so leaving the movie i started getting sick, kept throwing up green stuff. couldn’t feel it as much as the 1st dream, but still a bit. people kept asking me about the movie, how disgusting it was, but i kept throwing up – i guess it answered their question.

also had 2 dreams about nate. i don’t know what they were about, i remember waking myself up from both of them and thinking that i shouldn’t be dreaming about him.

6-2 tonight. hopefully home early again, like last night. leighanne left for the weekend to go back home. all by myself now. i’m scared. damn ghost better not choose to show up suddenly.

watched “unbreakable” with james last night. i liked it. i have a thing for bruce willis tho that i can’t even begin to explain LOL. cuz i have no clue. good times.

james convinced me not to dye the hair today and to go to work with it orange. we’ll see how long it takes someone to tell me i can’t leave it that way. i have a bet on who it will be (joanne). and we’ll see if kevin says “i hate the hair” again like he did last time it was orange.

and since we’re on the subject of digital cameras (cuz incase you missed it, that’s what we were talking about) i played with some at walmart while i was waiting for my film the other day. fell in smit with the minolta dimage z1…seems like a really nice piece of machinery for me, except for the fact it’s only 3 megapixels…i want at least 4 if i get a nice digi cam. i’m almost tempted to buy a digicam to go along with my slr (money burning a hole in my pocket)…but yeah. the minolta seemed easy to use, and had the functions i wanted, and yeah. i’m smitten with it. going to do some research to see if they have a higher megapixel one that is similar without a 300$ jump in price. i also want to say i like how walmart actually lets you turn the cams on and try them out…i know other places do too, but none that i’ve been to lately haha.

i bleached my hair last night. it’s orange. various shades of orange and yellow actually. i’m almost tempted not to dye it tonight and go to work like this.

i had to get up early to take my car for inspecting. took entirely too long (hr 15). came back and went back to bed. i had nothing to do today so i slept until 3. i shouldn’t have gotten up. should have just kept on sleeping. had a strange dream about james. another “alternate version of reality” dream.

oh yeah. watched vanilla sky last night. i left during the middle to take a walk. didn’t particuarly care for it. 1. i hate cameron diaz 2. i don’t like tom cruise 3. the end was a cop out. albeit a slight twist on the normal cop out, but still a cop out (won’t say anymore incase anyone wants to see it). maybe it was better if i had actually seen the whole thing instead of taking a walk.

the pics from yesterday are scanned. i hate color film. i just can’t work with it. i esp can’t work with it in low light conditions. and the one pic i really wanted to turn out because of the colors didn’t…half the pic is yellow half is white…i think something messed up in the developing. grrr. i tried to fix it in photoshop and was able to a bit, but…it’s still messed up. oh and the other pic i wanted to turn out because it would be so killer…turned out, but is not as good as i was imagining it would be. blah.

my art depresses me lately. i have no desire to do it anymore. what doesn’t depress me lately?

oh yes i had a revelation (well many but…) in talking to carolyn the other day about…why i’m so fucked up….i’ve been taking anti depressants for over a year now. while they were not prescribed for me to combat depression (my neurologist gave them to me to prevent my headaches), i single handedly credit the pills as to the reason i stopped being upset about nate last year. however, i think they fuck with me. i was explaining some things to carolyn that i’m not particularly very proud of, and came to the conclusion that the pills fuck with me. i think they’ve done a very good job over the last year of generally keeping me from being depressed all the time. but…my theory is that the pills stablize my mood so that i don’t feel alot of intermediate feelings. the pills wipe out any mildly bad moods, or mildly happy moods. the moods that break through are so extreme on either side of the spectrum. they have to be extreme to break through my medicated contentedness. and as i was telling carolyn, my bad moods have been getting more severe each time i am in one. they have to be severe in order for me to feel them through the pills. so i have decided that i’m going to stop taking them and see what happens. if my headaches come back severely i’ll start again. i hate feeling the way i’ve been feeling lately. i’m hoping that stopping them doesn’t make my moods worse…honestly, that would be frightening.

 

one year ago today was the first time i stepped into buffalo central terminal. the joy that i felt on that day has not since been duplicated, and i think only one thing COULD ever duplicate it (getting into the psych center). it was also the day i met that website kid.

went to the terminal for the PR committee meeting. it was sort of a bust sort of not. sort of, because very few showed up. we didn’t actually have a meeting. it was hella fun because it turned into LETS BREAK STUFF. we did demolition work on the kiosk. i got to play around with a sledge hammer and get out all my agression and anger and frustration and emotion on the poor defenseless glass ceiling of the kiosk. it was great fun. i’m ready to start on the next kiosk hehe. but we have more work to be done in the one we’re working on… like disposing of all the demolished glass, sanding things, etc. we’re doing a work day tuesday after the press conference and thursday from around 3 until dark. if you want to help, show up.

and somewhere along the line this cute boy with a camera showed up lol. and i was all scummy with my bad fried orange hair. oh well.

went to check target for battery powered rope lights, then went to applebeas with leighanne and adr. good times.

i was….in an ok mood. now i’m not.

4th night in a row leaving early. left super early this time, mickey told me to sneak out instead of wasting a half an hour on break and then leaving. maybe i should have stayed…. no it doesn’t matter. what upset me would have just upset me 2 hours later.

 

james said i seem distant.

so for those of you who do not yet know me, here goes. sara 101

1. i do not talk. i do not like to talk about myself. i especially do not like to talk about my mind or my emotions or my feelings or what is wrong. the handful of people i occasionally tell what is wrong usually aren’t involved, and are thus “safe”. i’m much happier telling a complete stranger what is wrong than any of my friends. easier that way. carolyn says i keep everything inside, pretending i’m ok, until it gets to be so much i can’t pretend anymore. by golly shes right! A+

2. my mind is reclusive. the iceberg of my id, ego and superego is completely submerged underwater and thus inaccessible, even to me. the part of me that is accessible is empty.

3. i do not like to open myself to others. stay closed, stay empty, stay emotionless, stay numb. stay safe. you don’t feel, you don’t get hurt. bottom line is it’s often not worth it. the pros do not out weigh the cons.

4. i don’t trust most people. i don’t trust easily.

5. i hate being like this

don’t worry, there won’t be a test. class dismissed.

 

my uncle ed and his wife laurice sent my mom an email about how proud they were of me after seeing my feature in the bagel digest. they were impressed with my work and that it was an entire layout and not just one or two photos.

ed is a writer. he is/was a hippie…”is” is not accurate, because he’s not some long haired smelly tie dye wearing hippie. but he still is quirky (god, who in my family is not quirky?) and fun and a writer. for years he stopped, but over the past few he picked it up again and has been enjoying having things published in minor magazines etc. he specializes in haikus, and things about baseball. but he writes short stories and everything as well. he has a story featured on the ezine Smokebox. If you’re interested in reading it, click here. it’s short and interesting. it won’t waste too much of your time.

and in other news “Iraqi insurgents stepped up their campaign against the country’s infrastructure on Tuesday, blasting two oil pipelines, cutting the country’s oil exports and driving up world oil prices. Gunmen attacked a convoy of civilian contractors, killing some of them, a U.S. military spokesman said. ”

great…i guess when gas reaches 3$ a gallon i’ll have to start car pooling with the dealer who i found out lives in our community.

 

vacant enigma: we all need to admit that my so called life, tho i never watched it, was the most accurate teen drama
vacant enigma: and it was cancelled
vacant enigma: because real life is boring

la la la

today consisted of starting to decorate the house with wall art, cuz it had to be done before the nonparty on the 30th (you’ll be invited at a later date). finally brought the souvies from the palace out of the trunk, and ended up planting some flowers in the big cement block we took. they look pretty. hopefully they don’t die.

also drove around 3rd street and main in the falls looking for a space to rent to open our bar

discussed going to work in vegas next year with some people at work. i don’t expect to get hired at la reve, but everyone and their brother already in vegas is going to try to get in, thus leaving lots of openings at other hotels on the strip. i’m not completely convinced i want to go to vegas, but i’m still going to do auditions out there in the fall. i’m not convinced i’d get hired anywhere worth a dime either. especially with the lack of dealing time i get now. i have 2 scheduled dealing days this week, we’ll see how that goes.

sometimes work really does feel like a big happy family. it’s felt that way alot lately. dunno what has been different. just seems like everyone has been in good moods, and we’ve had lots of laughter and all that.

when i was a kid i was horribly scared of the orange moon. i can’t exactly remember when it happened, but one orange moon moment i do remember…my uncle ed, aunt laurice and becky came to visit. we went to the canadian side of the falls and we went up in that mini sightseeing tower on clifton hill. my cousin pointed out the orange moon. that’s my first memory of it, and it scared me to death. even now as an adult, i’m a slight bit fearful of it. it’s just not natural you know? i came around the curve in lockport road on the way home, and their hanging low in the sky, was the sliver of orange moon. and it scared me. just for a moment. then i realized how pretty it looked, so low near the horizon, and such a big sliver (that whole moon perspective thing that i was taught about in sensation and perception class but still doesn’t make sense). just felt like sharing.

tried to run errands, like go to the post office, but it was closed for “dead bad actors day” as russell called it. grr.. stupid casino life never getting off of work. i also need to remember to get my car inspected. and i’m so totally not driving out to paddock in tonawanda to get it inspected like the other years. i’ll just go to david since it’s so much closer.

have to spend all day at the terminal tomorrow for neighborhood day. i forgot about it. i’m going late cuz i absolutely cannot get up before 8am. sorry. just can’t.

met lance diamond today down at the terminal. he’s so charming. he’s fabulous. and old men love me (still). he wants to take me to lunch LOL and apparently the fbi hangs out at the terminal now. seriously. there were 3 cars of undercover agents. lance said they had pistols and shotguns and stuff. lance was scared they were about to do a sting inside the building and would think he was a drug dealer HAHA

tonight is hedwig yay. hopefully it’s cool.

i’m wearing a skirt. friggen hot outside. and super windy. i left a big giant blue paint streak on a car in a parking lot when the wind ripped my door out of my hands. yeah that’s lovely. sucks to be that car hahah

so reagan died a few days ago. i didn’t realize people cared about him in the slightest. he wasn’t a particularly phenomenal president. he was popular but…when was the last time you thought about reagan? 10 years ago? 15? and now the entire country is mourning for him?!? he was OLD. he had alzheimers. did you think he was going to live forever? it reminds me of a story in a book carolyn got me. the premise was that in 2010 (or something) reagan got re-elected as US president. people became so obsessed with his health status that they began to broadcast his heart rate, urninalisis reports and other medical things and vitals on the bottom of television programs like cnn broadcasts news reels…and people were so obsessed with reagan’s health that they missed the 3rd world war and the use of nuclear weapons. but anyway….