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uggggggg can’t sleeeep. kept having nightmares when i was falling asleep last night. then loud music woke me up and kept me up in the morning. then the lawnmowers just like every friday. dreams about a politician coercing me into sleeping with him. then weird sorta urbex about a bunch of us living in REA with the politician and a ted-type person. didn’t want to get out of bed, so kept half sleeping, with strange sort of scary half dreams…blah. and i think the dog has fleas, because i have 3 bites on me today.

and i don’t want to go to work. i’m such a slacker lately. i dont even DO anything in my job and i still don’t want to do it.

and i don’t want to do the terminal site updates that i need to do. and blahblahblah.

and we have no food in the house.

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non party! yay. *i* had a good time at least. the bonuses decided not to show up (jerks), but jerry came and stayed longer than i figured he would, so that was cool. jasen was able to come for a bit too, he was the grill master. james almost started on fire. hit the neighbors house with the frisbee twice. brian and bob got me a door knob. oh and jasen gave me a radiation detector. finally got to meet tony’s girlfriend, maybe she won’t hate me anymore. and we now have enough alcohol to last us til next year i think. there’s no room in the fridge for food LOL. but yeah, everything was good. thank you all for coming. i hope you enjoyed yourselves too.

after everyone left, watched some/most of harry potter with james. it’s not that i don’t like it, it’s just…not really me. not something i’m really attracted to. but it was good i guess. i think the books might be more interesting to me.

today…ha have to clean the place again. maybe dinner at the parents, tho i’m not quite happy with the mother at the moment. not sure i want to go see them after the highly insulting email she sent me the other day. but whatever. it’s that or starving so…

 

i’m not sure if this is a joke or not:

After being turned down to do the score for the Broadway musical, Aida, Trent Reznor has apparently agreed to work with Chuck Palahniuk and David Fincher on Fight Club: The Musical.
Palahniuk has been giving lectures at colleges around the country. Last night he spoke in Eugene, Oregon and responded to a few questions regarding the possibility of a Fight Club musical. One frequent visitor of this site, Jesse, was in the audience, and here’s his recap:
Chuck just started laughing, and explained how David Fincher caled him awhile back and said some financers from the movie were interested in making a Broadway musical, and had contacted him. Chuck then went on to say Fincher explained he had already called Trent Reznor to ask him if he would score it, and he said yes.
This was also reported on Ain’t It Cool News and has been discussed on the boards at the official Chuck Palahniuk website.

and i’m not sure if i’m happy about it. if trent is scoring it, it would have to be cool…but come on now…fight club: the musical?!?!? is this for real? and trent scoring a musical, no matter how cool the music he comes up with may be?!?!? i dunno about this…

 

 

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dreamed about being in toronto. on a field trip or something. also dreamed about driving naked. i don’t usually have naked dreams…never showed up to a party or an exam naked or anything. that might be my first ever naked dream…

dad just stopped by to look at the washer (might be fixed) and leighannes car (still broken). was going to try to get together with heather this weekend, as she was going to be down in the falls at the canadian outlets, but then i realized that the bridge will be like 2 hours to cross, and it wasn’t going to work out. so we’re going to try for another weekend. go back to the cool store where i got the floursecent green sleevey shirt.

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i had stuff to do but don’t want to do it. lazed around in bed reading, and day dreaming quite lovely little day dreams, until mom came with the umbrellas and ruined my day and put me in a bad mood. went back to bed to read after she left, but continued in the bad mood. blah. i still have to shower, then chop broccoli, clean…

a note on the day dreams. they weren’t really day dreams at all (cuz i was reading), but just…feelings. it’s hard to explain. i have spent many hours throughout my education day dreaming. and this wasn’t the same thing. it wasn’t thinking of a sort of plot, or…watching a scene in my imagination…it was just a feeling. and it was wonderful. some images accompanied the feeling, but it definitely was not like watching my imagination on tv. anyway…

finished song of susannah. i have some issues with it. i’m a bit confused, as unless i forgot something, there are some continuity issues. just emailed brian about it, maybe i just forgot things. i also hate when writers write themselves into their novels. it just screams EGO to me. it ended up making sense in the book, once he really came into it, but at first when they kept just mentioning stephen king, it was like HELLO LAME. i still have issues with it though.

i liked it. but it didn’t really scream at me all that much. for whatever reason. i think i liked calla better…i dunno. it’s hard to place the books into any kind of order of “liking”…they just are.

i should eat something before my head explodes.

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happy birthday to me. leighanne is hilarious. she left me notes in my bedroom from rock stars LOL. fabulous.

today and tuesday is the company picnic. i didn’t sign up to go to it on either day, but they gave me tuesday off anyway. LOL so i have 3 days off this week. good times. i think jenn, tony and i (and whoever else would like to come) are gonna head up to the new casino on tues night. check it all out and stuff.

 

leighanne got me a gun rack

a gun rack!?

i don’t own A gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack

what am i gonna do with a gun rack?

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so today was the big day. the 75th anniversary of the terminal. i think it’s safe to say it was a success. there were some things that could have gone smoother, but it was definitely good. had a good turn out, better than the picnic last year as this year it seemed to be a good crowd that was very steady most of the day. sold out of all the posters, most of the 75th shirts, and did very well. hopefully everyone else who was set up, or attended, had a good time. ninj and liz came, it was nice to formally meet them, since we met breifly at a tour last year. they gave me the raddest infiltration pin, and then i thought i lost it and i was very disgraught. but fret not! i found it YAY. coolest pin ever. met many more people who’s names i forgot as soon as they said them. i’m a jerk like that. i felt like an ass cuz i had to ask brent (documentary crew) his name, and we’ve talked at at least 5 events so far lol.

after finishing everything, doing clean up stuff, etc, me adr and leighanne went to buca’s for dinner…just like after the picnic last year. turned it into a tradition. good food as always.

quote of the day/night. from adrienne: “that’s why i couldn’t do medicine, i don’t fucking care, just die!” and you don’t want to know about anything else that was discussed on the way home LOL.

and in recap of the other days this week…dunno where i really left off. wednesday watched a movie i think was called “heaven”…it was in italian. it was pretty. thursday….oh yeah, back to the terminal for kiosk work and some set up. james came by thurs night and watched “se7en”. hadn’t watched it even tho i got the dvd a year or so ago. forgot how good it was, and how good of a psycho kevin spacey is. love the line at the end, “oh, he didn’t know.” hehe gives you chills. brilliant concept, i thought. friday was…sleeping in, procrastinating finishing my signs for today…called into work as planned, but went to jasen’s to play poker. and somehow miraculously i won. with a 4,5. actually i won it all with a 4, ace, and i didn’t win with a straight haha. so i got paid to call in sick, and then made money. win win situation hehe. good times.

i’m feeling momentarily better. we’ll see if this continues, i dropped the dosage again. headaches…every day. dunno if i’ll be able to stay off the meds, i’ll give it a few weeks to see if things even out in my brain. and i totally absolutely cannot sleep again. i’d say i lay in bed for at least a good 3 hours before falling asleep. and every single little noise wakes me up. i hate not sleeping. so we’re gonna have to take care of that somehow too. i got used to being able to sleep through most of the night while on the meds.

 

o.m.g. rea building. holy cow. ok so…was back at the terminal today to take some engineers through the building. when that was done, since we had 5 people, we decended upon the rea building to tackle the upstairs. we figure go to rea en masse and we’ll be safe against homeless ted.

i’m not so sure about that anymore. because homless ted is psychotic. no we didn’t run into him, just his aftermath. it’s really really absolutely fascinating. but completely insane. if you’ve seen session9, and watched the alternate ending, you’ll remember the camera panning back on a room with an interesting collection of items all organized and displayed on the floor. very artistic. very very weird. and lets just say ted had a bit of that. and it got better as we moved through the 2nd floor, where he had barriers of garbage and debris…very very very strange. i can’t even begin to comprehend it really. must take the photos to 1 hour tomorrow. gah.

and what the hell was i just watching on vh1. it was called the surreal life, and there COULD NOT be a more appropriate name. a reality show featuring….vanilla ice, ron jeremy…and tammy faye…!!! and erik estrada and a chick who’s name i didn’t catch. all living in a house real world style WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the sad thing is…i dreamed about vanilla ice last night. that more specifically, he was dead, and the world was mourning.

and the even sadder thing is. i find vanilla ice to be an incredibly attractive man. he is just very good looking.

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korn’s greatest hits package out this fall will contain a cover of “head like a hole”….

and EVEN WORSE
After a healthy bidding war, CBS has landed an untitled reality series described as a cross of “American Idol,” “Big Brother” and “Survivor” set in the world of rock music.
It will feature aspiring musicians competing for the chance to become the new lead singer of Australian rock band INXS, a gig that opened up after the 1997 suicide of frontman Michael Hutchence
That is the most horrible thing i’ve heard in a long time. that is just….a sin.

 

So, I did it for nothing! I hurt my family! You lost your job anyway! I did it for nothing!
No! Not for nothing, Baby! Nobody’s ever done anything like that for me before.
You’re right, Johnny. You can’t win no matter what you do.
Listen to me. I don’t wanna hear that from you. You can.
I used to think so.

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i want to thank everyone who so wonderfully RSVPed to the nonparty invitation….all….4 of you. means alot to me. thanks.

 

so…incase you missed it. it’s the terminal’s 75th anniversary. i made the news paper (sort of hah) yesterday. nice article about the news conference yesterday

and incase you also missed it. i am a complete basket case. entirely emotionally unstable. if i snap and tell you off, ignore me. if i start to cry in your presence, ignore me. but i also don’t need to be treated like…a lunatic. i don’t need apologies for things said that may or may not have upset me. everything upsets me in some way or another right now. i don’t need anyone tip toeing around in order to not set me off. because everything will set me off in some way or another right now. i can’t wait for this to end.

my head hurts unbelievably. i should probably tell my doctor i’m stopping the meds…

 

motley crue + love song = hilarity

their song “glitter” is absolutely absurd. aside from the fact, it sucks.

come on? vince neil being in love with someone? tommy lee? HA did we forget “girls girls girls”…the menage a trois? the LA glam rock scene? motley crue in love HA!

poison love songs…ok…power ballads, sure. almost believable. but motley crue love songs? HA no way.

*isnotlisteningtomotleycruegreatesthits*

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fuck me. my cell bill is 89$. not like i don’t have money. more like, why is my 30$ plan costing me 89$. why? because i sent 269 text messages over my limit at 10 cents a message. fuck me. i have to go change my txt plan.

i left work early “sick”. i do feel like shit. physically and very much mentally. had to take a half a point but whatever. my one let it ride game had a straight flush earlier in the night (which is a semi big deal). then right after i turned my tables over to tony, he had a royal flush. for those who don’t know poker, that’s a really really big deal. that’s a 25,000$ hand. poor tony. i guess i owe him. and i also owe him 20$ because i had to borrow money to get gas on the way home, so i’d actually make it home.

i had another dream about throwing up – sort of. it wasn’t really throwing up this time. my mouth was full of raw ground beef and i kept trying to spit it out, but more kept showing up. these dreams are really not pleasant.

going to try to sleep tonight. i need to be up at 9 to get ready to be at the terminal by 10:30. i forget it takes me more like 45 minutes to get there now as opposed to 30 from the old apartment. i feel tired. i feel incredibly exhausted but i won’t be able to sleep. then someone in the building insists on slamming their door repeatedly suddenly, and without the drugs to help keep me asleep, it wakes me up now. i figure i’ll be up long before 9 rolls around.

and tomorrow i’m going to try not to cry for 5 hours straight. maybe i can play with the sledge hammer at the terminal again.

 

so…press conference. the usual. i almost cried. when russell unveiled the special guest. sort of got to me. because i am completely emotionally unstable. met some people i had met before. i’m an ass and am horrible with names. talked to an ex-cop who used to harass antique/architectural salvage people. who knew it was such an exciting, sordid, and criminal scene to be involved in. he’s got some information that will be helpful for me/us and he’s willing to pretend he’s not retired to sort of…bully… these people into throwing up information. hehe. he’s actually related to the deadbeat owner of the architectural circus. who apparently was jailed for narcotics at some point in time. like i said. sordid. was breifly asked to comment on things by the news paper. i need to think of a standard response to that sort of thing, because i’m always caught unprepared and i sound stupid. afterwards stuck around to do work on the kiosk. ended up in the catwalks trying to chase the birds out and get rid of the nests. they were squaking so loudly during russell’s speech it was almost funny. but i went up there, no birds to be found. no nest to be found. damn birds. they keep crapping all over our floor below. did a very little amount of work on the kiosk, as i didn’t quite know what i should be doing to it. found out that mike has no idea how to use velcro (!!!) and had to teach him there are 2 different sides…and you have to use both, because of you use 2 of the same side, they can’t stick to eachother. lol. found a trapdoor. la la la. finishing touches on the kiosk on thursday afternoon, as well as table set up and stuff.

since i will have 4 days off after tonight, gotta do some work on signage and faqs and stuff.

 

damnit i want a cat. if i got one mom would freak that i didnt just take ziggy. *whine*

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maybe i shouldn’t be trying to stop my drugs. started on thursday, reduced the dosage, and i’m already getting headaches. not sure if it’s coincidence or not, but…i already can’t sleep again. and i have barely been able to stop crying since yesterday.

i am so unhappy.

cried most of the day yesterday. managed to stop myself for the hour or so i was out with my parents (though almost failed a few times), and for the 6 hours i was at work (though almost failed there too). jenn and tom both knew how upset i was so they knew not to ask about it which helped. almost cried on my game a few times, but managed to find my voice and stop.

slept badly, woke up. read email from tom, cried more. have been crying since.

i am so fucked up.

maybe carolyn is right and i should go see someone. i’m scaring myself again. i’ve never been this way before. i don’t want any of my new friends to think that i’m completely psycho because i’m not. i don’t understand any of this. what is a therapist going to do for me except suggest i go on drugs…been there, done that, trying to stop that. and we all know how jaded i’ve gotten with the field of psychology.

tom told me to stand up for myself. i’ve tried that. and i fail miserably every time.

i don’t know what to do anymore.

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