work was horrible. every time, without fail, i try to get out early i get suited up. so of course, that’s what happened tonight. got a horrible migrane that 4 excedrine only put a dent in. i wanted to go home early and take a half point again (since they get erased at 6am today) but i stayed. and poor doug, every time he’s my pit, my section looses horribly. so once again, one of my tables dumped 1000s of dollars…i thought i was going to get stuck doing overtime but by some miracle they let me out on time. dunno about my dealer though…

and then i’m getting screwed. all last month i’m working 5 floor days a week. but now here comes a holiday where we get paid double time and i get to deal. my whole whopping 10$ an hour instead of 260 for monday. i’m going to complain. a few others already did. it’s just really not fair. especially when new dual rates who got promoted THIS WEEK are flooring on the holiday, but the last batch of dual rates are all dealing.

so work was crap. felt like crap. so tired.

now i feel emotionally like crap. so many things i want to say and i can’t even begin to express them. i feel completely worthless at the moment, after feeling as if things were on the right track. i’m such a fucking idiot. i don’t know why i delude myself so much. i used to think i was so in touch with reality. and i’m not. not in the slightest. i continue to create these illusions around me…or rather my little fantasies that i start to believe in, cuz i’m so fucking stupid. i want to hide. it’d be easier if i could just make everything go away. my head. my life. everything

from nin.com

question: you seem to be an intensely private and isolated person. yet you can scrape out your soul and present the results to millions of people. what gives?

trent: shy, loner misfit type writes personal lyrics from journal figuring the world won’t notice. world unexpectedly notices. shy, loner, misfit type retreats further feeling unnaturally exposed.

…

james came over at 5 am to cheer me up. made me muffins.