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so today…or yesterday…or well..whenever it was since i last posted. i dunno when that was, or what it was about…

went to see the play “i love you, you’re perfect, now change” with james at canisius college this afternoon. it was good, amusing. tho nothing can top my love for geneseo’s musical theatre club reviews…haha afterwards we worked on james’s big scavenger hunt that he came up with. or well he did most of the work. i lack sufficient creativity. from there, we were late to jasens for poker but they let us play anyway. poker poker poker and they made me deal. COME ON PEOPLE IT’S MY VACATION! haha jk it’s ok. and chris who touched my can in brian’s car was there, and i totally didn’t recognize him, and i feel like an ass haha. i thought it was someone else named chris. i apologize for acting as if i didn’t know you. after poker night, went to get food with james, and ended up driving through unknown ghetto and sitting in a parking lot on main talking about…whatever. had a lovely time. thank you for having me.

today brings…sleep now lol and then going someplace with jenn and tom and maybe james if he decides he wants to come too.

and that’s all. good night.

 

more than anything i want to see inside and i want to help

my heart hurts thinking about it

Posted in: Personal

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did indeed end up going to jasens last night. played texas holdem for a while, tho i don’t know how to play really. watched glengarry glenross, which was intersting. i had no clue about what it was supposed to be about, i just always heard it was good. and i love al pachino. so it was cool. after, went to dennys with james cuz i hadn’t eaten all day. at one point jasen broke out a new toy, a wrist blood pressure cuff. i am the youngest and smallest and had the highest blood pressure…it’s not normally as high as it was. i’m usually pretty normal. in case any one wasn’t paying attention, april wasn’t exactly stress free. i’ve been a bit high strung lately. but my resting heart rate is always around 100. unhealthy me *finishes her fudgecicle for breakfast*

today going to see a play at canisus with james, then something else, then poker with real money. maybe i’ll suddenly learn strategy and get wicked hands and kick everyones ass. haha. or losing is more likely.

and my camera is broken. i’ve been scared that it was broken since the trip to first ward in…whenever that was. i have a light leak, frames are getting washed out on top. i dunno what it’s going to take to fix it, but hopefully it’s something my dad can do (since he used to fix cameras for a living). if not, and it’s hella expensive to send to get fixed, i might MIGHT consider, again, going digital. we’ll see.

Posted in: Personal

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i dreamed i was at a hockey game, way up in the 300 level. at one point during the game they turned a spotlight on and highlighted a person sitting in the very last row. it was wayne gretzky. and duran duran was standing around him singing to him. wayne was not happy. simon lebon was like, you’re wayne gretzky why are you sitting up in the 300s. wayne said it was because he didn’t want to be noticed by anyone, and now here were duran duran singing to him. so he was pissed. i was like, hello, you’re wayne gretzky and you’re at a hockey game, as if no one is going to recognize you.

 

 

 

i don’t know where this ramble is going to go, i’m feeling very emotional and full of selfpity at the moment, so bear with me. or don’t read it, i could care less.

but just a reminder. i’m still on vacation til monday night, so if anyone needs a companion the next 3 days, even if just for stupid mundane errands, or if anyone needs to be entertained or to do entertaining, i’m here.

this is spurred on by a number of things, one being the article about introverts.

on monday james told me i’m not as mysterious as i think i am. i try to be mysterious but i don’t feel that i succeed because i have nothing to be mysterious about. my life is an open book, i have nothing to hide. anything you want to know about me you can either ask, or read the archives i’m sure it’s in there somewhere. of course there are things i don’t readily talk about but i will if you ask. i don’t talk about when i was 16 much, it’s not something i like to think about. plain and simple.

my attempt at being mysterious is for my own benefit. because whenever i get too close to people, or people know too much about me, they use it against me. i always get hurt. i always get screwed over. so it’s a defense mechanism. you know, you get tired of being screwed over after a while.

but like i said, i have nothing to be mysterious about. which is why i think my screen name is so appropriate. vacant enigma. a mystery that when you get down to the center, is completely empty. best way i can think of to describe me.

but maybe my apparent lack of convincing mystery is due to the people telling me i’m not mysterious. i’ve tried to shape myself and shape my life in such a way…a way i can’t put into words, but i’ve done what i’ve done to make myself into the person i want to be. and i’m mostly happy with who i am. moreso i am happy with who i appear to be. that didn’t come out right.

i’m happy that the people that are in my life now see me for who i really am. these people who say i’m a bitch because i’m an introvert and don’t talk to them, or many people at work. they know nothing about me. they can’t see who i really am. and i don’t want them in my life for that reason. i don’t have alot of friends, mostly because the people i meet, i have no desire to be friends with. the people i want to be friends with…it feels like we’ve been friends for ages. like it was supposed to happen or be that way. i’m friends with people who can see through me.

maybe i’m not mysterious because i’ve let you see me. i’ve let you see me cuz i know you already can. i can think of 4 people, all male, who can see me and appreciate me for who i am. people i haven’t had to explain myself to for the most part, because they can already see it. – but maybe i’m completely wrong about all of this. maybe they don’t see me. the most important part…. (i think) they appreciate me for who i am. and that means the world to me, because that’s all i’ve ever wanted. i’m thrilled, in a way, to hear them describe me in the exact way i’ve always wished to be percieved.

i think part of this is why i get along with significantly older people more than with people my own age. older adults “get me” where as most people my age completely don’t. i don’t go out and party and sleep around and do the things so called “normal” people in their 20s do. it absolutely does not interest me in the slightest. i tell older adults the things i do and they are captivated by it. they think i’m interesting. people my age think i’m weird. i get asked about my photography, and i explain what i do, and what i like, and i get blank stares. at least older adults have perfect the art of feigning interest, if they don’t “get me”.

maybe i’m completely wrong about all of this. maybe no one does see me. maybe i remain the angst filled misunderstood person that i think i always was.

i don’t know. i don’t know anything anymore.

 

 

 

dunno what’s going on tonight. brian mentioned going to jasens. i told him to let me know what was going on, haven’t heard from him. it is so grossly humid out now. blah i feel sticky and gross.

going to clean now cuz the landlord is showing someone my apartment tomorrow. and i can go get the new apt keys tomorrow too yay.

Posted in: Personal \ Tagged: ,

Exploring with Mom

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a few things from the past hour of my life before i start the trip rundown
1. i don’t normally listen to the radio, but i had the edge on cuz i didn’t want to listen to whatever mom left in the cd player…they had a commercial for WB49. the premise of the commercial was that a weird guy made some kind of remote control that would make his neighbors want to watch the ryan seacrest show, simpsons, king of the hill, and will and grace. it’s a skit between the inventor and someone else, demonstrating the device. the “someone else” tells the inventor to make his neighbors want to watch treasure island. the inventor says it only works on 4 shows. when asked why, he replies “Because there’s nothing else worth watching” ROFLMAO that struck me as so incredibly funny that they’re dissing their own network like that
2. another commercial…this time for the Quote bar down on delaware and chippewa. it is asking people what they want in a bar…one of the girls, the one who says “hot people” sounds like kristy from high school. then at the end of the commercial they have a contest, if you can identify this movie quote you will win a party for you and 10 friends. the quote was: “happy anniversary wayne…don’t you want to open your present…if it’s a severed head i’m going to be very upset”…..now maybe it’s just me and the fact that i know every word of that movie, but how does anyone NOT know it’s wayne’s world…especially after hearing Wayne talk…?!?!?! too bad i don’t like to party and don’t have 10 friends
3. niagara falls has smelled like alot of things..chemicals, trash, landfill…but just now was a new one..fruit loops.

And the trip…

Mom and I left around 10 am on tuesday and headed out for our first destination, Sharon Springs. Sharon Springs is an old sulpher spring resort town. It’s boom days were in the mid/late 1800s, but survived into the 1900s too. Even tho my mom read outloud a book she had borrowed from someone about Sharon Springs, I’m not really sure when it went into decay. I know about this place because my parents used to always stop there enroute to visit friends in Albany. Yet another place they dragged me as a child where I never thought I’d appreciate it. This was the place where the hassidic (horribly spelled wrong) jews thought I was jewish and started speaking to me in hebrew. All I remembered about the place was the overpowering smell of sulphur (rotten eggs, if you’re not familiar with it), broken sidewalks, and institutional green paint. Quite possibly my first exposure to instutitional green paint ever. Well it didn’t disappoint, in the paint department at least.

We rolled into Sharon Springs around 2:30 and drove a few streets at first. It looked alot like my little 4 year old mind remembers it looking. White, and green, and broken sidewalks, and decay…and sulphur. The smell wasn’t really all that bad. Overall I mean…There is lots and lots of decaying things here. Houses, one major hotel, and the baths just along the main street. Up on the other streets were more empty homes. First stop was the major abandoned hotel. It was sealed up pretty well, despite the fact I know people have been inside. We cased the joint, and when rounding the 4th side, cops… haha. I say “cops” my mom goes “WHAT?!” i go “cops” haha. Mom made up a story that I was taking photos for an art exhibit. They told us not to go inside. My mom said it looked sealed up pretty good. The cop said they get people inside somehow. Mom said we’re not the kind of people interested in going on roofs and things like young kids HA! So the cops left, but they stayed parked in the driveway though – stayed there even after we left. There were a few windows in front that had no boards on them anymore, and probably could have given us access…damn cops.

So from there we headed down the main street to the bath house and gazebo thing. I definitely remember these 2 things, and that’s where the smell is at its worst. Still wasn’t SO bad because it wasn’t all that warm out, but it was bad enough to make you gag if you got close to the water. This is when I started giving my mother a heart attack…by going in the various entryways of the various buildings in the area. But she survived. Some really beautiful things in the buildings, pretty pretty.

Finished up in town, and headed out for Woodstock. Uneventful ride to the town, found a place to stay the night, took my film to CVS and got dinner. Mom was freaked out by the hippies…and HELLO you WERE a hippy! After dinner, drove around the mountain looking for the trail head for Overlook Mountain House the next day….didn’t find it. It reminded me of driving around Achtung Mountain with Leighanne, looking for a sign to steal haha.

Got up early, mom talked to the hippy in the sitting room of the hotel thing. Headed to the trail. Wow. I hurt so bad. I can hardly walk. Especially if I’ve been stationary for a while. It was an approximately 2 mile hike, I don’t know the incline, but it was pretty rough at times for a weakling like me. We were resting (because of me) every 100 feet it seemed. But it was more than worth it, and once you’re at the hotel, the hike doesn’t seem so bad hahah. Beautiful place. I’m not sure who or when it happened, but all the inside of the hotel was taken out…so it’s basically just the shell of the building, and some walls on the bottom floor. Same with the smaller building near by. Which is sort of odd, but yeah…it’s a very clasical ruin…sorta like the parthenon, but sitting in the catskill woods haha. Very very pretty place.

After finishing at Overlook, we stopped breifly at the Tibettan Buddhist Monastery across from the trail head. Very pretty as well. And since I’m asian and all….haha funny thing. I told mom that some chinese guy at work asked me if i was chinese, cuz i have black hair, she said she’s going to start telling people that i was adopted and that i’m a half breed hahah.

Headed out to Saugerties to hit the thruway up north. Since we were in Saugerties I figured it’d be worth it to try and find the Woodstock site/memorial. So we tried and didn’t find it. Oh well. While on the highway we passed an “oversized load” truck. I didn’t pay much attention til I was passing it and realized it was hauling a TANK! LOL That must be how my relatives got their tank delivered to the woods in Bradford hahaha.

So we had alot more daylight time than I had figured, so I decided I wanted to try to find Frontier Town in North Hudson when we got off the interstate in the Adirondacks. If we didn’t find it, no big deal, but we had time. And boy did we find it. It’s kinda hard to miss as it’s right next to the exit. Mom was like, there’s nothing there. Yeah right, there was a train depot…and following the tracks into the woods, the entire frontier town. Oh my Bowie it was wonderful. It made my entire trip. It was so friggen creepy (but for reasons only brian and james will understand…to be explained when i have the photo). Spent a bunch of time wandering around there. Lucky for us, there was road work being done around the exit, so all the work people parked in the Frontier Town lot, and my car didn’t stick out and attract police attention. But yeah…wonderful place. Mom’s a thief haha. Or well I am, but only cuz she suggested it, she wanted the thing. shhhh

After we walked back to the train depot and got the car, we drove it up the hill to where the Frontier Town restaurant and hotel were. The hotel was still fully furnished, with some rad 70s chairs in the rooms. One of the rooms windows was open, could have crawled in but there was no reason to. We couldn’t have taken the chair, we had my car, not the station wagon hahah. Creepy again, for a Bates Motel reason haha.

Drove from there towards Tahawus, very much in the middle of nowhere. We weren’t sure how to get to the mine once in the general area, but we experimented on the few roads, and did find the place. By this time it was around 7 and mom didn’t want to go in with “failing light” – but in retrospect we should have….more to come. Left the site and drove towards a somewhat populated area to find a place to stay, get gas, and eat. Did the 3 and went back to the bed and breakfast.

Thursday now, we got up and headed for Tahawus. I was excited. Got there, the gate was open…bad sign. Walked in anyway, and halfway to the site, the caretaker/whatever drove out and found us. He nicely told us we couldn’t go in to take pictures, but we could take some from there as we left…As soon as he was out of sight in went back towards the site, but not too far…he had said he was coming back after checking on “the other side”. Disappointed. Should have gone in the night before.

I remembered that there were some of the employee houses in the area still, so we went out in search of those. We came upon the blast furnace which is burried very far offsite in the woods, and we did find the houses – completely falling apart dangerously. There is one shot I took that I desperately want to come out. We’ll see soon…

After that, it was 11:30 and we had nothing to do. So we left…headed back home. Of course, there was one more stop. We happened to drive by some wonderfully decayed building along the highway. Detoured to that and explored that a bit. I can’t figure out what it was. Mom thinks maybe a small power house, since it was along a river, but I really have no clue.

That’s about it. Off to scan. and develop….9 rolls of color, 4 of b&w. and tho i’m totally sick of b&w, i hate color.

Roadtrip Photos

Posted in: US Vacations, Vacations \ Tagged: , ,

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i decided not to go to the concert, and instead spend the afternoon with james. went to thrift stores, got lunch, went to the park for a while. had a lovely time. there was a fabulous moment at the park. a guy was pulling his dog out of the brush and dead leaves. the dog comes out with a dead rabbit hanging out of his mouth LOL. i was happy we were there to witness that scene haha.

 

so i’m off on vacation. i don’t know when i’ll be back, but i am assuming late friday. if you end up missing me tons, you can give me a call, or click here to send me a text message. all you need is my phone number, and if you are worthy of having it, you already do. be sure to use your email address for your name, so i can answer back. no guarantees i’ll get the messages in the mountains, but i figure they’ll get to the phone eventually.

don’t have any fun without me

Posted in: Personal

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hmm…i think i might move into the new place sooner rather than later…landlord asked me when, so he doesn’t turn the power off before i leave and stuff. i told him mid may…it might be best if i just move most all the big stuff, all the furniture when leighanne has the truck. and live at the new place while i bring all the other junk over later…it’s looking like a better idea. we’ll see. he asked if everything was ok. i didn’t tell him my murderous thoughts about the upstairs boy haha

and again, i don’t really feel like going to the APC show tomorrow. i just don’t wanna do the driving and stuff.

i think my parents both MUST know about my tattoo. the shirt i had on today barely covers it. they had to have seen it since i wear this shirt alot. i guess they just don’t care lol. i’ve had it for a year now. time flies.

my stomach is wonky i hope i’m not getting sick for vacation. mom is all being micro managing again, trying to find hotels. I TOLD YOU this was all completely unscheduled. if we have to drive til 3 in the morning to find a hotel we’ll just have to do it. ug. she’s already annoying me lol. aunt darleen told her to behave, it’s MY vacation hahaha.

Posted in: Personal

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4 major comments about the hair
1. you changed your hair again. yes again, every 2 weeks
2. it’s black yes it is
3. you really look asian now thanks
4. it looks really good on you, not many people can wear black hair thanks

got out at 2:45 tonight. yay for being relief supervisor, and yay for being salary hehe. supervising tomorrow, dealing sunday…most definitely going to get out early sunday, the day before vacation starts.

didn’t get to look at the apartment yesterday cuz of an emergency that kept the renting agents out of the office. so i have to go by tomorrow and take a look. that gives me more time to figure out how much money i have in the bank, and to get the money order taken care of to pay for all of it. my check book is so behind haha. oh well. funny moment when i was sitting at the office waiting for someone to show up…a mini van with 3 bleach blond college age girls pulled up. they all walked up to the door, with a big obvious sign on it saying everyone was out of the office, yet the girl keeps slamming herself into the door as if that’s going to make it open. i’m like, hello retard, can’t you read? and haven’t you ever encountered a locked door before?

in the ongoing saga of the “underwear that aren’t mine”…wearing them again today. and they are just sooo nice LOL i need to find out what kind they are so i can go and buy some. hopefully they have colors other than white, since i almost ever wear white…oh yeah, the other comment about the hair, “sara goes goth” ROFLMAO that was fabulous.

 

went to see the new apartment. yay. exciting. the hideous mirrors aren’t so hideous in our unit, cuz they are in squares instead of sheets…you’ll understand when you see it.

i need to do laundry. i guess that’s what i’ll be doing tomorrow. i think its supposed to be rainy out, so i won’t feel bad about being inside all day, like today hahah. its really nice out, but yet i sit here inside haha. oh well

i got the new issue of Spin magazine, which is “the list” issue…lists all sorts of really hilarious things. laffed tons. best issue ever.

i’ve been listening to the queen of the damned soundtrack in the car the past few days. best soundtrack ever. the ultimate orgy thrill would be for them to suddenly perform “slept so long” at the show. i’d die. danielle would die too i’m sure LOL. gah such a great song, such a great soundtrack. love lestat

current mood: bored
listening to: “breaking glass” – bowie live hate

stolen by the thought police from sara at 04:09 PM | scandalize me (1)
4 major comments about the hair
1. you changed your hair again. yes again, every 2 weeks
2. it’s black yes it is
3. you really look asian now thanks
4. it looks really good on you, not many people can wear black hair thanks

got out at 2:45 tonight. yay for being relief supervisor, and yay for being salary hehe. supervising tomorrow, dealing sunday…most definitely going to get out early sunday, the day before vacation starts.

didn’t get to look at the apartment yesterday cuz of an emergency that kept the renting agents out of the office. so i have to go by tomorrow and take a look. that gives me more time to figure out how much money i have in the bank, and to get the money order taken care of to pay for all of it. my check book is so behind haha. oh well. funny moment when i was sitting at the office waiting for someone to show up…a mini van with 3 bleach blond college age girls pulled up. they all walked up to the door, with a big obvious sign on it saying everyone was out of the office, yet the girl keeps slamming herself into the door as if that’s going to make it open. i’m like, hello retard, can’t you read? and haven’t you ever encountered a locked door before?

in the ongoing saga of the “underwear that aren’t mine”…wearing them again today. and they are just sooo nice LOL i need to find out what kind they are so i can go and buy some. hopefully they have colors other than white, since i almost ever wear white…oh yeah, the other comment about the hair, “sara goes goth” ROFLMAO that was fabulous.

current mood:
listening to: “redeemer” – marilyn manson as lestat

stolen by the thought police from sara at 03:28 AM | scandalize me (0)

April 23, 2004

What Flavour Are You? I am Chocolate Flavoured.I am Chocolate Flavoured.
I am sweet and a little bit naughty. I am one of the few clinically proven aphrodisiacs. Sometimes I can seem a little hard, but show warmth and I soon melt. What Flavour Are You?

stolen by the thought police from sara at 06:35 PM | scandalize me (2)
yeah i hate this layout. big time. oh well.

stolen by the thought police from sara at 05:17 PM | scandalize me (0)
stupid pictures from yesterday. i look dumb





i’d like that one if not for the dumb flash

current mood: tired
listening to: “slip away” – bowie in toronto

stolen by the thought police from sara at 03:22 PM | scandalize me (1)

i don’t know how i ever questioned going to the rochester show on monday. lol really…i must have been temporarily insane to think i didn’t want to go to it anymore. good thing i didn’t sell my ticket to anyone else.

a perfect circle is seriously the best band out there right now. ive said it before, i’ll say it again, and i’m sure i’ll say it even more in the future. maynard is the best male rock vocalist. period. wow. as soon as it started i had a big stupid grin on my face. they opened with “vanishing” which is kinda an odd choice, but it worked really well. i’ll get the set list eventually. but my comments.
– i love “blue” on the album. it’s one of my favs. it sucks live. it just totally doesn’t work.
– we got “brena” instead of “rose” from the first album. it was a nice change, i think i only heard brena at the boston show but i’m not sure. i forget about brena, and that it’s such a pretty song. maynard’s voice is so beautiful in it.
– “the package” is really cool live when it kicks in towards the middle. the guitars are just piercing
– “the nurse who loved me” is infinitely better live than on the album. it’s one of the songs i could do without, but the way they change it live it so cool
– maynard holds the note in “the outsider”, for “what a mess” and i think it’s more impressive than the “judith” note. that’s saying alot, since his voice on “judith” is just like, gah!!
– they played “the noose”. i totally didn’t expect it and it was wonderful
– this kid behind us had a funny shirt on that said “i’m like a superhero with no special powers and no motivation” hah it made me laff

the rest of the day…ikea didn’t have the lights i wanted. must be too new or something, will have to check the other store in a few weeks. i didn’t do my hair or makeup til i got to heathers. my hair looked so rad, but i dunno what i did when i did it, but it hurt like hell. so by the time we were finishing at ikea i was dying from the pain so i had to take them out in the car. booo. it looked so cool. *whine* i think i might have had them too high on my head maybe…cuz they didn’t hurt yesterday when i wore them around the house. i switched tickets with heathers friend, so i could sit with her instead of by myself. nice kid to do it for us. i had seats on the side of the arena, and heather’s were directly across the arena from the stage. so good view the whole time, and it was wonderful

orgy is going to kick so much ass omg i can’t wait. heather said she’s gonna go now, cuz it’s on her birthday, and james said he is coming too. ha i get to dress him up la la la anyone else want in on the orgy?!? the more the merrier. i decided i definitely won’t be able to wear the fake hair to orgy cuz it’ll just get pulled/tornoff/destroyed when i’m up at barrier so i’m gonna get my hair cut off after vacation. i think i might have seen a style i liked on this asian chick at the show tonight. yeah..me…black hair, how asian do i look now? lol

took a few dumb pics that maybe i’ll post tomorrow.

haha my dream calendar for today is “car” and it says…”finally, some dream pros say cars symbolize your current relationship. hopefully it’s humming along.” and maybe its just me, but my mind immediately jumped to blow jobs. LOL may your relationship be blessed with many blow jobs…i apologize for that. i’m over tired

current mood: exhausted, was having issues staying awake on the way home
listening to: “vanishing” – apc in my head

stolen by the thought police from sara at 12:45 AM | scandalize me (0)

April 22, 2004

la la la i love my black hair

stolen by the thought police from sara at 02:07 PM | scandalize me (1)

April 21, 2004

i’ve definitely suceeded in looking like a whore. now i just need the hair the fishnets and whore boots definitely complete the whore outfit

stolen by the thought police from sara at 07:25 PM | scandalize me (3)
OMGOMGOMGOMG!! YAAAAAAAY danielle will be home for the orgy show!!!!!!!! SO EXCITED NOW!!!!!!!

stolen by the thought police from sara at 06:55 PM | scandalize me (0)
the “lord of the flies” simpsons episode (which was just on) is definitely in my top 10 list of episodes. it’s just classic. it has THE best quotes. it’s for sure one of ralph’s best episodes….go banana!

k yeah my hair, totally not dyed. and it’s pouring out right now so i don’t want to go out and get more dye. later i guess. i was going to clean but i don’t feel like it.

current mood: headache
listening to: nothing, my launch radio doesn’t work cuz i over used it for the month and i don’t want to pay for it haha

stolen by the thought police from sara at 05:32 PM | scandalize me (0)
ROFL oh man… so i dyed my hair with that loving care 6-12 shampoo dye…which isn’t really dye at all, it’s like coloring your hair with jello. it already washed out ROFLMAO. i didn’t even use shampoo on it, and yeah…my hair is not black. it’s like…part black. but the top, near the roots, still brown. ROFL. this is fabulous. so now i have to decide if i want to 1. use the 2nd bottle of washout stuff i bought later when my hair dries or 2. buy a real box of black dye that won’t wash out…..i figure since i’m cutting my hair off anyway after the orgy show, i could go permanent black for a few weeks…will decide in a bit, after the hair dries…

now off to shop and show the mom the magazines. call me if you need me

current mood:
listening to: “hallo spaceboy” – david bowie toronto

stolen by the thought police from sara at 02:33 PM | scandalize me (0)
i got my magazines in the mail today. they are purdy. i brought one into work with me cuz i got them from the mailbox on my way in, showed some people. it was kinda neat. i also got an email from my aunt’s friend about possibly doing some photo work for a magazine she works for/took over in chicago. but i’m not sure how that would work seeing as i’m in BUFFALO haha. i could always move to chicago and have my choice of 2 places to live and still stay in the gaming industry.

i decided i want to look into going back to school. maybe not this year maybe not next year. but possibly in the future…say next 5 years or so. going to do some research on it see what i find.

i blew my potential 40 hour week by leaving after 7 hours tonight. oh well. still the closest i’ve gotten since new years haha.

current mood: trying to make myself tired so i can go to sleep and not sleep all day tomorrow. have stuff to do during the afternoon.
listening to: nothing

stolen by the thought police from sara at 03:12 AM | scandalize me (0)

April 20, 2004

you can touch me, touch me
take me to that other place
you can teach me, love
i know i’m not a hopeless case
what you don’t have you don’t need it now
what you don’t know you can feel somehow
what you don’t have you don’t need it now
don’t need it now

stolen by the thought police from sara at 05:58 PM | scandalize me (0)
stephen dorff is in the new britney video where she unfortunately doesn’t die in the bathtub. song blows. the video blows. dorff doesn’t even redeem the video. except that he shaved his chest apparently, and he is so yummy.

stolen by the thought police from sara at 05:44 PM | scandalize me (3)
dream: i was at home and got a phone call from a number i didn’t recognize. it sounded like a telemarketer but they were saying i needed to send them money for half of the rent of the new apartment. at first i thought it was the apt ppl saying we didn’t get the apt. i was all confused, and they explained how they were a company that keeps your rent money and holds it for you so you don’t spend it before the rent is due. i was still confused as to why i would want to use them. i thought that i was being forced to use them, but they said no it wasn’t a rule, just a suggestion so i told them no. while i was on the phone, the govenor of ny, thomas golisano, was standing there waiting to talk to me. he had to talk to me about some issue that was coming up in the election, and he needed my vote. so he was going to come back after i was off the phone. after i was done on the phone i went downstairs of my parents house and started washing the windows. the inside of the windows. the windows by the front door all still had little heart window clings on them since valentines day. i thought it was probably about time to take them off, but i didnt……dream 2: i was still wearing my retainer to bed, and during the night it fell apart, and/or it came off my teeth and i ended up chomping on it and breaking it. but along with breaking the retainer, it cracked the filling on one molar, as well as a few other teeth. i kept spitting pieces of metal wire and pieces of teeth out. i got up and tried to tell my mom that i needed her to call the dentist so i could get my teeth fixed right away. then there was something about my dad wanting to buy my grandparents old house for 200,000 and i thought that was the most retarded thing ever. 3. something else about flying with brian to cheektowaga….and the flight taking longer than the 10 minute drive would have, but for some reason we had to fly. and i had a black duffel bag, and everyone thought it was gigantic, when it was really just normal sized. and the plane did not crash *shock of shocks*

current mood: shower time
listening to: nothing yet

stolen by the thought police from sara at 03:03 PM | scandalize me (0)
i’m up and out of bed and its not 12:30 yet. cuz the smoked detector in the hall went off at 12:15. but i desperately want to go back to bed so i will.

stolen by the thought police from sara at 12:28 PM | scandalize me (0)
kevin is in love with me again. or still. i’m not sure which. i hadn’t talked to him in ages because he started smoking (again) and thus was too cool to hang out with us non smokers at work anymore. he was one of my dealers today and he told me he loved me again (and again and again). kept asking why i never smile anymore. wants to take me to dinner. noooooo you’re twice my age!!! he does that thing where he’ll look at you with an odd/inquisitive look on his face, which makes you ask “what?”. he’d refuse to tell me what he was thinking. he claimed that since i refuse to tell him why i don’t smile anymore, he refuses to tell me what he’s thinking. he kept threatening to burst into poetry about me in front of all the players unless i started smiling. just leave me alone please. i enjoy wallowing in my own unhappiness.

i actually had a decent day.

not sure about now tho. i don’t feel as horrific as i did last week, but i’m so far from happy i’m not sure i can even see happy right now. i thought of a term to describe my current state of emotion the other day, but i’ve since forgotten it.

lior asked me about…stuff…and applauded me for my recent…activities. he said i’m in the “right” and he’s glad i did what i had to do. that’s good…i guess. he says i’m better than that. i wish i believed him.

why do i suddenly want to cry? ive been so good about that whole crying nonsense since about…friday.

i’m trying to psych myself up for the APC show, and the upcoming orgy show. i know as soon as i get tix for orgy i’ll get excited. finally FINALLY getting to see them again. it’s been too long since seeing those fuckers. mmm boys in makeup

pai gow boy mentioned taking me to dennys again LOL.

i hope you realize i only mention all these people who love me in order to make myself feel better. i don’t do it because i think i’m gorgeous and wonderful and that everyone wants me. because that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

i wonder what kind of advice kevin would give me if i told him why i don’t smile anymore. work is not the place for that type of discussion, and i’m not about to spend another 2 hours outside bob with him. plus he makes me cry. but i’m curious as to what he would say. tho i have a good idea about some of what he’d say.

heather: i’ll be on during the day once i get my ass out of bed.

i want to go shopping because i feel the need to indulge in brian’s “disease”. but i don’t have time to go to ikea tomorrow. but hey, i can go on the way to toronto on thursday, all gothed out and freaky looking LOL rock! i want to go to the guess outlet and see if they have anything cool to replace the whore skirt that i’m still not convinced i should wear on thursday. and i feel the desire to buy shoes tho i hate shoes and everything about buying and wearing them.

and in conclusion. everyone is fucked up. yes that means you. and i’m so tired of trying to figure you out. of overanalyzing every little shred of information for some sort of insight into you. but i just. can’t. stop. so fuck you.

current mood: suddenly i dont know
listening to: nothing

stolen by the thought police from sara at 04:23 AM | scandalize me (4)

April 19, 2004

wacked out dreams. dreamed i had a complete makeover and haircut from some really expensive salon in nyc. my makeover specialist was really cool and only charged me 7 dollars for the makeup job and threw in the hair cut for free. my hair was really short. like winona ryder short. and my makeup changed colors each time i looked in the mirror. then the makeover specialist went psycho. she invited me to some huge party at her house, so i went cuz i figured i sorta owed her for the free makeover. she showed me around her really cool loft, and then took me into her art exhibit…which was 4 rooms full of tvs each showing something different. not tv shows, but photos. she had taken me in there to show me some photo of marilyn manson she had taken. then it got psycho, and i was talking to some guy who said the whole thing was a plot to kill all the people at the party. so we went running through the tv rooms trying to find clues as to where the bomb was, and how to save everyone. it was nuts.

tho i like the doors. some of their “not hugely popular” songs just sound like circus music

current mood: slacker
listening to: “light my fire” – the doors

stolen by the thought police from sara at 03:48 PM | scandalize me (0)
apparently there was a really bad storm here this morning (er yesterday morning)…so black it seemed like night time. lightning and wind that took down trees and caused most of niagara falls to lose power…bad hail. and i barely heard it. heard maybe 5 cracks of thunder. i had no idea it was that bad of a storm.

my goal is for this week to be my first 40 hour week since i got promoted. but i really don’t want to go and stay 8 hrs on tuesday. i floor tomorrow, baccarat tuesday, floor fri and sat, deal sunday. i for sure will not be staying all 8 hrs on sunday, the day before my vacation begins. so staying all 8 hrs tuesday is my only hope at a 40 hour week. dealt all night today and i’m really tired now. i am going to force myself to get out of bed at 12:30 tomorrow. really. i am.

i was told by 3 new dealers today that i am 1. intimidating, even when i’m dealing not flooring or 2. look miserable. as for the intimidating, i said yeah i get that alot. and then they went on to say that i was really nice LOL. the other guy asked if i liked my job cuz i look miserable. i said i always look miserable lol. and apparently i look like a groupie. cuz the 2 that were telling me i’m intimidating also made a comment that i got my inxs shirt from the band when i was backstage. i’m like wtf?!? lol how’d they know

i forget what else i had to say.

current mood: tired
listening to: “fast love” – george michael in my head from looking at carolyn’s website

stolen by the thought police from sara at 04:14 AM | scandalize me (1)

April 18, 2004

launch radio is like having all my cds on random, and then other shit thrown in. and you know what? i really don’t like radiohead. i can recognize that they are talented, and not sell outs…but they just bore me. same with coldplay. boring. no thanks. next….

stolen by the thought police from sara at 05:55 PM | scandalize me (2)
orgy is indeed playing toronto on may 10th, at lee’s palace (not the opera house as previously thought). no ticket info still. will keep checking ticketmaster. guess i can’t cut my hair til after may 10th now haha

stolen by the thought police from sara at 03:56 PM | scandalize me (1)
one of my players half ass asked to take me out today. i fucked it up tho. he said i need to get a weekend off so he can take me out. so i said no way is that gonna happen. then i realized that sounded really bad, like i wasnt interested, so i tried to cover it up by saying that the casino keeps me prisoner there, that they wont even give me a monday off. i say no more dating players, but really, what have i got to lose? he’s 2 year younger than me. cuz i saw his drivers license lol. but whatever. it won’t happen.

i started reading a new book called lady las vegas. it’s a memoir written by a woman who’s father ran the flamingo after bugsy siegel was killed. there was a line that i found terribly appropriate for myself: …i run on instinct, immediately like or dislike someone, make snap judgements, and never change my mind. my loyalties to my friends and family run deep and true, but i know i am not easy to know. i am on guard…

got my new order of film for the vacation. i bought kodak tmax film that was imported cuz its only 2 bucks a roll instead of 3. and i figure, whats the difference if it was imported or not?? so hopefully its not totally fucked up or something. i need to buy color film. i decided i’m horribly tired of black and white. i need to go back to dansville with color. i think thats why i hate my dansville pics so much. i just wanted color so bad.

dinner with amy was good. perkins, the usual it seems lately. caught up on things with her, and bitch about boys and all that good stuff. work was hectic as saturdays always are in roulette. got the biggest insult ever when a lady told me i look like celine dion.

i decided i don’t feel like going to the APC show in rochester on the 26th…i dont want to drive out there, drive back home late, and get up early the next day for vacation. but eric doesn’t want the ticket, and i dont have anyone else to sell it to. i guess i’ll decide after the toronto show. or i just wont go and be out 30$. whatever.

found out i have 5 sick days at work. so if orgy really is playing toronto on may 10th, i will be able to call in for it. and for bowie at shea’s of course.

current mood: tired
listening to: nothing

stolen by the thought police from sara at 04:12 AM | scandalize me (0)
Posted in: Personal

A Perfect Circle Toronto

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i don’t know how i ever questioned going to the rochester show on monday. lol really…i must have been temporarily insane to think i didn’t want to go to it anymore. good thing i didn’t sell my ticket to anyone else.

a perfect circle is seriously the best band out there right now. ive said it before, i’ll say it again, and i’m sure i’ll say it even more in the future. maynard is the best male rock vocalist. period. wow. as soon as it started i had a big stupid grin on my face. they opened with “vanishing” which is kinda an odd choice, but it worked really well. i’ll get the set list eventually. but my comments.
– i love “blue” on the album. it’s one of my favs. it sucks live. it just totally doesn’t work.
– we got “brena” instead of “rose” from the first album. it was a nice change, i think i only heard brena at the boston show but i’m not sure. i forget about brena, and that it’s such a pretty song. maynard’s voice is so beautiful in it.
– “the package” is really cool live when it kicks in towards the middle. the guitars are just piercing
– “the nurse who loved me” is infinitely better live than on the album. it’s one of the songs i could do without, but the way they change it live it so cool
– maynard holds the note in “the outsider”, for “what a mess” and i think it’s more impressive than the “judith” note. that’s saying alot, since his voice on “judith” is just like, gah!!
– they played “the noose”. i totally didn’t expect it and it was wonderful
– this kid behind us had a funny shirt on that said “i’m like a superhero with no special powers and no motivation” hah it made me laff

the rest of the day…ikea didn’t have the lights i wanted. must be too new or something, will have to check the other store in a few weeks. i didn’t do my hair or makeup til i got to heathers. my hair looked so rad, but i dunno what i did when i did it, but it hurt like hell. so by the time we were finishing at ikea i was dying from the pain so i had to take them out in the car. booo. it looked so cool. *whine* i think i might have had them too high on my head maybe…cuz they didn’t hurt yesterday when i wore them around the house. i switched tickets with heathers friend, so i could sit with her instead of by myself. nice kid to do it for us. i had seats on the side of the arena, and heather’s were directly across the arena from the stage. so good view the whole time, and it was wonderful

orgy is going to kick so much ass omg i can’t wait. heather said she’s gonna go now, cuz it’s on her birthday, and james said he is coming too. ha i get to dress him up la la la anyone else want in on the orgy?!? the more the merrier. i decided i definitely won’t be able to wear the fake hair to orgy cuz it’ll just get pulled/tornoff/destroyed when i’m up at barrier so i’m gonna get my hair cut off after vacation. i think i might have seen a style i liked on this asian chick at the show tonight. yeah..me…black hair, how asian do i look now? lol

took a few dumb pics that maybe i’ll post tomorrow.

haha my dream calendar for today is “car” and it says…”finally, some dream pros say cars symbolize your current relationship. hopefully it’s humming along.” and maybe its just me, but my mind immediately jumped to blow jobs. LOL may your relationship be blessed with many blow jobs…i apologize for that. i’m over tired

Posted in: A Perfect Circle, Concerts \ Tagged: ,

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i got my magazines in the mail today. they are purdy. i brought one into work with me cuz i got them from the mailbox on my way in, showed some people. it was kinda neat. i also got an email from my aunt’s friend about possibly doing some photo work for a magazine she works for/took over in chicago. but i’m not sure how that would work seeing as i’m in BUFFALO haha. i could always move to chicago and have my choice of 2 places to live and still stay in the gaming industry.

i decided i want to look into going back to school. maybe not this year maybe not next year. but possibly in the future…say next 5 years or so. going to do some research on it see what i find.

i blew my potential 40 hour week by leaving after 7 hours tonight. oh well. still the closest i’ve gotten since new years haha.

 

ROFL oh man… so i dyed my hair with that loving care 6-12 shampoo dye…which isn’t really dye at all, it’s like coloring your hair with jello. it already washed out ROFLMAO. i didn’t even use shampoo on it, and yeah…my hair is not black. it’s like…part black. but the top, near the roots, still brown. ROFL. this is fabulous. so now i have to decide if i want to 1. use the 2nd bottle of washout stuff i bought later when my hair dries or 2. buy a real box of black dye that won’t wash out…..i figure since i’m cutting my hair off anyway after the orgy show, i could go permanent black for a few weeks…will decide in a bit, after the hair dries…

now off to shop and show the mom the magazines. call me if you need me

 

the “lord of the flies” simpsons episode (which was just on) is definitely in my top 10 list of episodes. it’s just classic. it has THE best quotes. it’s for sure one of ralph’s best episodes….go banana!

k yeah my hair, totally not dyed. and it’s pouring out right now so i don’t want to go out and get more dye. later i guess. i was going to clean but i don’t feel like it.

 

OMGOMGOMGOMG!! YAAAAAAAY danielle will be home for the orgy show!!!!!!!! SO EXCITED NOW!!!!!!!

 

i’ve definitely suceeded in looking like a whore. now i just need the hair  the fishnets and whore boots definitely complete the whore outfit

Posted in: Personal

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kevin is in love with me again. or still. i’m not sure which. i hadn’t talked to him in ages because he started smoking (again) and thus was too cool to hang out with us non smokers at work anymore. he was one of my dealers today and he told me he loved me again (and again and again). kept asking why i never smile anymore. wants to take me to dinner. noooooo you’re twice my age!!! he does that thing where he’ll look at you with an odd/inquisitive look on his face, which makes you ask “what?”. he’d refuse to tell me what he was thinking. he claimed that since i refuse to tell him why i don’t smile anymore, he refuses to tell me what he’s thinking. he kept threatening to burst into poetry about me in front of all the players unless i started smiling. just leave me alone please. i enjoy wallowing in my own unhappiness.

i actually had a decent day.

not sure about now tho. i don’t feel as horrific as i did last week, but i’m so far from happy i’m not sure i can even see happy right now. i thought of a term to describe my current state of emotion the other day, but i’ve since forgotten it.

lior asked me about…stuff…and applauded me for my recent…activities. he said i’m in the “right” and he’s glad i did what i had to do. that’s good…i guess. he says i’m better than that. i wish i believed him.

why do i suddenly want to cry? ive been so good about that whole crying nonsense since about…friday.

i’m trying to psych myself up for the APC show, and the upcoming orgy show. i know as soon as i get tix for orgy i’ll get excited. finally FINALLY getting to see them again. it’s been too long since seeing those fuckers. mmm boys in makeup

pai gow boy mentioned taking me to dennys again LOL.

i hope you realize i only mention all these people who love me in order to make myself feel better. i don’t do it because i think i’m gorgeous and wonderful and that everyone wants me. because that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

i wonder what kind of advice kevin would give me if i told him why i don’t smile anymore. work is not the place for that type of discussion, and i’m not about to spend another 2 hours outside bob with him. plus he makes me cry. but i’m curious as to what he would say. tho i have a good idea about some of what he’d say.

heather: i’ll be on during the day once i get my ass out of bed.

i want to go shopping because i feel the need to indulge in brian’s “disease”. but i don’t have time to go to ikea tomorrow. but hey, i can go on the way to toronto on thursday, all gothed out and freaky looking LOL rock! i want to go to the guess outlet and see if they have anything cool to replace the whore skirt that i’m still not convinced i should wear on thursday. and i feel the desire to buy shoes tho i hate shoes and everything about buying and wearing them.

and in conclusion. everyone is fucked up. yes that means you. and i’m so tired of trying to figure you out. of overanalyzing every little shred of information for some sort of insight into you. but i just. can’t. stop. so fuck you.

 

i’m up and out of bed and its not 12:30 yet. cuz the smoked detector in the hall went off at 12:15. but i desperately want to go back to bed so i will.

 

dream: i was at home and got a phone call from a number i didn’t recognize. it sounded like a telemarketer but they were saying i needed to send them money for half of the rent of the new apartment. at first i thought it was the apt ppl saying we didn’t get the apt. i was all confused, and they explained how they were a company that keeps your rent money and holds it for you so you don’t spend it before the rent is due. i was still confused as to why i would want to use them. i thought that i was being forced to use them, but they said no it wasn’t a rule, just a suggestion so i told them no. while i was on the phone, the govenor of ny, thomas golisano, was standing there waiting to talk to me. he had to talk to me about some issue that was coming up in the election, and he needed my vote. so he was going to come back after i was off the phone. after i was done on the phone i went downstairs of my parents house and started washing the windows. the inside of the windows. the windows by the front door all still had little heart window clings on them since valentines day. i thought it was probably about time to take them off, but i didnt……dream 2: i was still wearing my retainer to bed, and during the night it fell apart, and/or it came off my teeth and i ended up chomping on it and breaking it. but along with breaking the retainer, it cracked the filling on one molar, as well as a few other teeth. i kept spitting pieces of metal wire and pieces of teeth out. i got up and tried to tell my mom that i needed her to call the dentist so i could get my teeth fixed right away. then there was something about my dad wanting to buy my grandparents old house for 200,000 and i thought that was the most retarded thing ever. 3. something else about flying with brian to cheektowaga….and the flight taking longer than the 10 minute drive would have, but for some reason we had to fly. and i had a black duffel bag, and everyone thought it was gigantic, when it was really just normal sized. and the plane did not crash *shock of shocks*

 

stephen dorff is in the new britney video where she unfortunately doesn’t die in the bathtub. song blows. the video blows. dorff doesn’t even redeem the video. except that he shaved his chest apparently, and he is so yummy.

 

you can touch me, touch me
take me to that other place
you can teach me, love
i know i’m not a hopeless case
what you don’t have you don’t need it now
what you don’t know you can feel somehow
what you don’t have you don’t need it now
don’t need it now

Posted in: Personal \ Tagged: