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apparently there was a really bad storm here this morning (er yesterday morning)…so black it seemed like night time. lightning and wind that took down trees and caused most of niagara falls to lose power…bad hail. and i barely heard it. heard maybe 5 cracks of thunder. i had no idea it was that bad of a storm.

my goal is for this week to be my first 40 hour week since i got promoted. but i really don’t want to go and stay 8 hrs on tuesday. i floor tomorrow, baccarat tuesday, floor fri and sat, deal sunday. i for sure will not be staying all 8 hrs on sunday, the day before my vacation begins. so staying all 8 hrs tuesday is my only hope at a 40 hour week. dealt all night today and i’m really tired now. i am going to force myself to get out of bed at 12:30 tomorrow. really. i am.

i was told by 3 new dealers today that i am 1. intimidating, even when i’m dealing not flooring or 2. look miserable. as for the intimidating, i said yeah i get that alot. and then they went on to say that i was really nice LOL. the other guy asked if i liked my job cuz i look miserable. i said i always look miserable lol. and apparently i look like a groupie. cuz the 2 that were telling me i’m intimidating also made a comment that i got my inxs shirt from the band when i was backstage. i’m like wtf?!? lol how’d they know

i forget what else i had to say.

 

wacked out dreams. dreamed i had a complete makeover and haircut from some really expensive salon in nyc. my makeover specialist was really cool and only charged me 7 dollars for the makeup job and threw in the hair cut for free. my hair was really short. like winona ryder short. and my makeup changed colors each time i looked in the mirror. then the makeover specialist went psycho. she invited me to some huge party at her house, so i went cuz i figured i sorta owed her for the free makeover. she showed me around her really cool loft, and then took me into her art exhibit…which was 4 rooms full of tvs each showing something different. not tv shows, but photos. she had taken me in there to show me some photo of marilyn manson she had taken. then it got psycho, and i was talking to some guy who said the whole thing was a plot to kill all the people at the party. so we went running through the tv rooms trying to find clues as to where the bomb was, and how to save everyone. it was nuts.

tho i like the doors. some of their “not hugely popular” songs just sound like circus music

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one of my players half ass asked to take me out today. i fucked it up tho. he said i need to get a weekend off so he can take me out. so i said no way is that gonna happen. then i realized that sounded really bad, like i wasnt interested, so i tried to cover it up by saying that the casino keeps me prisoner there, that they wont even give me a monday off. i say no more dating players, but really, what have i got to lose? he’s 2 year younger than me. cuz i saw his drivers license lol. but whatever. it won’t happen.

i started reading a new book called lady las vegas. it’s a memoir written by a woman who’s father ran the flamingo after bugsy siegel was killed. there was a line that i found terribly appropriate for myself: …i run on instinct, immediately like or dislike someone, make snap judgements, and never change my mind. my loyalties to my friends and family run deep and true, but i know i am not easy to know. i am on guard…

got my new order of film for the vacation. i bought kodak tmax film that was imported cuz its only 2 bucks a roll instead of 3. and i figure, whats the difference if it was imported or not?? so hopefully its not totally fucked up or something. i need to buy color film. i decided i’m horribly tired of black and white. i need to go back to dansville with color. i think thats why i hate my dansville pics so much. i just wanted color so bad.

dinner with amy was good. perkins, the usual it seems lately. caught up on things with her, and bitch about boys and all that good stuff. work was hectic as saturdays always are in roulette. got the biggest insult ever when a lady told me i look like celine dion.

i decided i don’t feel like going to the APC show in rochester on the 26th…i dont want to drive out there, drive back home late, and get up early the next day for vacation. but eric doesn’t want the ticket, and i dont have anyone else to sell it to. i guess i’ll decide after the toronto show. or i just wont go and be out 30$. whatever.

found out i have 5 sick days at work. so if orgy really is playing toronto on may 10th, i will be able to call in for it. and for bowie at shea’s of course.

 

orgy is indeed playing toronto on may 10th, at lee’s palace (not the opera house as previously thought). no ticket info still. will keep checking ticketmaster. guess i can’t cut my hair til after may 10th now haha

 

launch radio is like having all my cds on random, and then other shit thrown in. and you know what? i really don’t like radiohead. i can recognize that they are talented, and not sell outs…but they just bore me. same with coldplay. boring. no thanks. next….

 

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even tho i’ve been waiting forever for the APC shows next week and the following, i totally forgot it was so soon. so i have to finish preparing my outfit for the concerts. i guess that’ll be my wednesday activity along with dying my hair black. heather had mentioned coming up on wed night and staying here for movie night, and us driving to her house in oakville and then onto TO for APC the next day, but i haven’t talked to her in a bit to see if that’s still the plan. mom found my whore skirt when she was here dropping off the cat and shes freaking out about it. like out of no where the other day she said, sara that skiiirrt. it’s a rape skirt. ROFLMAO. i’m still not convinced i’m going to wear it. it is veeryy very short. might go with the plaid one afterall, even tho it’ll clash with the purple hair. oh well. will have to try out different outfits on wed.

amy is supposed to come up tomorrow afternoon for a late lunch/early dinner thing. it’s going to be a bitch fest, it’ll be great. too bad my apartment is a complete disaster.

i finished wolves of calla last night. definitely the best of the series so far IMO. bad thing is i think i lost the dust jacket. i can’t read books with the dust jacket on (goes in hand with my library book phobia), and it had been on the floor. so it’s either under my bed or my mom for some idiotic reason, threw it out. if it’s the latter, i’ll buy brian a new book. now i need something else to read. i dunno what happened to all the books i bought and haven’t read yet.

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*breathes*

hi

i don’t really know what to say.

my day in a nutshell (help me, i’m trapped in a nutshell)
wake up
go back to sleep
wakeup
go back to sleep
repeat ad nausem
get up
cry
cry
cry
blahblahblah
stress out
work on brians website
decide not to go to jasens for his birthday movie night because i 1. would not be able to fake being happy 2. would not want to potentially cause a scene 3. would not want to potentially ruin an otherwise good birthday 4. make myself more upset
work on brians website
create launch radio station

and was reminded that one of my all time favourite songs is econoline crush’s “close” and so now i will post lyrics…

Shadows dance lazily, across this dim lit room
Are you my ememy, my lover, my ruin?
Warm and shallow are, the waters of your soul
It’s my difference, my hurt that makes you whole

You lift me up drag me down
And here I am
Alone

Searching for serenity in the halls of discontent
Pieces of my sanity, my will, my hope have left
I don’t understand, where this all began
Are you my enemy, my lover, my ruin?

You are so far away
You are so far away
You lift me up, you drag me down
You leave me so alone

I watch you turn away…I watch you
I watch you turn away…crying
highly recommended download for sure

 

i’m feeling better, thanks for asking. though part of me is still screaming “just fuck it” and making me want to give up. give up on whatever it is i’m doing or trying to do. i dunno. it doesn’t make much sense. i’ll put it this way. part of me still wants to hide and never see anyone ever again. but i’m trying not to listen to that part.

i watched a disgusting show on mtv last night. it was an episode of their “i want a famous face” series…where young adults get plastic surgery to look like various stars…this episode featured a very pretty girl who wanted to look like pam anderson. so she got huge boob implants, lip implants, and her chin fat sucked out (which i want haha i hate my chin fat). the entire episode focused on how her lifes dream/ambition is to be a playboy playmate. she had already been in the “college girls” special edition, and thought that making herself look like pam anderson would be her for sure way into playmate history and super stardom….maybe it’s just me but my life’s dream is not to be a porn superstar. anyway. it was disgusting.

that led to my bizzare dream i had this morning about people from playboy trying to kidnap me…cuz apparently they had to kidnap people in order to get people to appear in the magazine. so i was playing along while they were in my house, and being cooperative, but trying to txt msg someone “help” so they could save me from the evil playboy kidnappers. it was weird.

this launch radio thing is the best thing ever. not that i expect anyone to be interested in listening to it, but if you do want to, let me know and i’ll send you the link.

the rest of the day i finished brian’s other two galleries, and now i’m waiting for him to send me text for them, and do a few finishing off things. might possibly be able to get it up during the day tomorrow. we’ll see. i feel lazy tonight, and i have bct site updates to do that i’m procrastinating. i think i’ll go play canasta on yahoo haha.

stopped by the parents on the way home from the board meeting to use the scanner, since mine wont work with xp. my mom now knows james’s name, but not what he looks like, and she knows what brian looks like, but not his name. brian is “the blond one”. haha and she knows that she’s met brian, but she still doesn’t think she’s met james. but she has. at the terminal of course. she’s getting better haha

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my issue of the bagel digest comes out april 26th. sold at all barnes and nobles book stores. the publisher said my piece turned out very well.

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i think i need to fall off the radar for a while. disappear. my vacation can’t come soon enough. i need to get away from my life, and my head, and my stupidity, and my job, and everything in between.

what i need is for people to stop fucking with me. i’m so tired of it. i’m tired of being in pain all the time, i’m tired of being upset, i’m tired of crying. i’m just tired.

i feel like i’m caught up in one giant tornado of a lie. my own, and everyone elses.

no i’m not ok. i haven’t been “ok” for a while now. but i do a pretty good job of hiding it, wouldn’t you think? i’ve perfected the art of “hiding it”.

oh and don’t worry about me. i’ll be fine. sara is always fine. just self destructive tendancies, that’s all. i can’t possibly let myself be happy for too long. it’s just not me.

god i’m just so tired of it all.

but if you’re a long time friend/reader you’ll know my disapearances never last very long. i’m sure i’ll be around in a day or two…hell i could be back later today.

last thoughts: cut….the….shit. please, i beg.

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oh my bowie. jackson sanitarium. i don’t have a drooling smilie or i’d use that too. wow. it’s all i can say. that building…so beautiful. so much to see so little time. james and i were out there for about 3 hours today, and managed most of the main building (not the basement) and the power building (which i had gone in during my first trip). ran out of time without looking at the wooden houses and stuff further up the hill. but omg…it’s incredible. it’s a perfect location for a health spa type place, no wonder they built it there. the scenery is beautiful, it would be incredibly relaxing. just a wonderful wonderful place. must go back. brian is going to love it. 5 rolls of film to develop tomorrow (one has meyer malting and fog pics on it too). i can’t wait to see what turned out. could be some mighty good shots there if i didn’t mess stuff up.

wonderful wonderful time. we listened to rap on the way home hahah

i’m so exhausted i totally don’t want to go to work. and i feel scummy and gross but i don’t have time to take another shower. oh well.

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got the bowie bootleg and it’s FABULOUS

 

joy of joys…the boy upstairs bought a one of those semi portable basketball nets, which is now set up out back in the parking lot. can i move now? please? i beg. i guess it’s better than him playing basketball inside on top of my head. the sorta funny thing..he was laying in the driveway putting the thing together and i didn’t see him (cuz there was another kid standing that i thought was him) and i almost ran him over LOL

i got up at 12:30 today and i didn’t go back to bed. and now i have a new project to work on…a new site for brian’s non urbex photos. he gave me a theme and i got a brilliant idea, that actually isn’t being as time consuming or difficult as i thought it would be. i’m excited. i just hope he likes it. HE BETTER CUZ IT’S ALOT OF WORK! haha jk…about the “better” part not about the lots of work part…

my apartment smells the way it did when i first moved in. thats not a bad or good thing, but just a smell flashback thing. dunno why…the cat is gone now. and now i miss her. haha.

and the spider that brian and james did not kill now lives in my room. i tried to oxyclean it but didn’t get good aim, and then lost it. barf. it hasn’t reappeared since about 1:30 today…but i know it’s not dead. damn bionic spiders.

i had a dream i was at a restaurant and they brought my dinner and it was fish. the entire fish…head and all…on the plate. it was sort of cartoon looking, so i don’t know what kind of fish it would have been. tho i didn’t eat it (i don’t remember anything after just staring at the fish on the plate)…this was all i could find on swoon that sort of related: Eating or cooking fish (except carp) is considered a general good omen for your current undertakings

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so the theme for movie night this week was incomprehensible films…

first up, memento. good concept. interesting film. sucked that i already knew who killed the wife. but that didn’t really take anything away from the plot. it was confusing no doubt, but it was good. i’m not sure if i liked it though. the main character annoyed me. he’s stephen dorff and val kilmer’s bastard love child. just bugged me. and the matrix chick…all i can think of is bluey and the MPS when i see her. haha. also bugged me all the times the guy said he didn’t have amnesia. YES YOU DO! just cuz it’s not the layman’s amnesia, that you can remember who you are/were…it’s still amnesia. it’s anterograde amnesia instead of retrograde. get it right. oliver sachs (sp?) is a neurologist who has written a bunch of books about various patients he’s had over the years. he is the guy who wrote Awakenings (which became a movie). one of his case studies was called the last hippie. it was about a man with anterograde amnesia, who was stuck in like 1967. he couldn’t create any new memories. it was really interesting, cuz the guy was a big grateful dead fan, and dr sachs would play grateful dead records that were recorded after 1967…each time the guy wouldn’t know them, would claim he had never heard them before, but would know all the words…. interesting how the brain works.

brian watched a spider dangle from the ceiling throughout the movie and didn’t even try to kill it. jerk.

2nd movie was an anime film called Blood, the last vampire. the box claimed it was 80 min long…and it was like 40. so we wonder where the rest of the movie went. watched the “making of”, which was so amazingly ridiculous. haha and i wasn’t in that one.

we also watched ninj’s video from 1999. i have nothing to say about it.

so brian went to leave around 1:30 or something, but came back in and told me and james to come outside. super fog!! we walked around outside for a bit with cameras, then bri left and james and i…colored LOL and something i won’t mention, and had a nice chat and passed out. had to get up at 10 to go to the dentist, came back, went back to sleep til 3:30 when james left.

leagues ahead of last week.

now i have nothing to do the rest of the day. well i gotta get my meds, and gas from the rez but after that…nothing…i’ll figure out something to do

33 hours til bowie

 

 

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