went to see the new apartment. yay. exciting. the hideous mirrors aren’t so hideous in our unit, cuz they are in squares instead of sheets…you’ll understand when you see it.

i need to do laundry. i guess that’s what i’ll be doing tomorrow. i think its supposed to be rainy out, so i won’t feel bad about being inside all day, like today hahah. its really nice out, but yet i sit here inside haha. oh well

i got the new issue of Spin magazine, which is “the list” issue…lists all sorts of really hilarious things. laffed tons. best issue ever.

i’ve been listening to the queen of the damned soundtrack in the car the past few days. best soundtrack ever. the ultimate orgy thrill would be for them to suddenly perform “slept so long” at the show. i’d die. danielle would die too i’m sure LOL. gah such a great song, such a great soundtrack. love lestat

current mood: bored
listening to: “breaking glass” – bowie live hate

4 major comments about the hair
1. you changed your hair again. yes again, every 2 weeks
2. it’s black yes it is
3. you really look asian now thanks
4. it looks really good on you, not many people can wear black hair thanks

got out at 2:45 tonight. yay for being relief supervisor, and yay for being salary hehe. supervising tomorrow, dealing sunday…most definitely going to get out early sunday, the day before vacation starts.

didn’t get to look at the apartment yesterday cuz of an emergency that kept the renting agents out of the office. so i have to go by tomorrow and take a look. that gives me more time to figure out how much money i have in the bank, and to get the money order taken care of to pay for all of it. my check book is so behind haha. oh well. funny moment when i was sitting at the office waiting for someone to show up…a mini van with 3 bleach blond college age girls pulled up. they all walked up to the door, with a big obvious sign on it saying everyone was out of the office, yet the girl keeps slamming herself into the door as if that’s going to make it open. i’m like, hello retard, can’t you read? and haven’t you ever encountered a locked door before?

in the ongoing saga of the “underwear that aren’t mine”…wearing them again today. and they are just sooo nice LOL i need to find out what kind they are so i can go and buy some. hopefully they have colors other than white, since i almost ever wear white…oh yeah, the other comment about the hair, “sara goes goth” ROFLMAO that was fabulous.

current mood:
listening to: “redeemer” – marilyn manson as lestat

I am Chocolate Flavoured.
I am sweet and a little bit naughty. I am one of the few clinically proven aphrodisiacs. Sometimes I can seem a little hard, but show warmth and I soon melt. What Flavour Are You?

yeah i hate this layout. big time. oh well.

stupid pictures from yesterday. i look dumb

i’d like that one if not for the dumb flash

current mood: tired
listening to: “slip away” – bowie in toronto

i don’t know how i ever questioned going to the rochester show on monday. lol really…i must have been temporarily insane to think i didn’t want to go to it anymore. good thing i didn’t sell my ticket to anyone else.

a perfect circle is seriously the best band out there right now. ive said it before, i’ll say it again, and i’m sure i’ll say it even more in the future. maynard is the best male rock vocalist. period. wow. as soon as it started i had a big stupid grin on my face. they opened with “vanishing” which is kinda an odd choice, but it worked really well. i’ll get the set list eventually. but my comments.
– i love “blue” on the album. it’s one of my favs. it sucks live. it just totally doesn’t work.
– we got “brena” instead of “rose” from the first album. it was a nice change, i think i only heard brena at the boston show but i’m not sure. i forget about brena, and that it’s such a pretty song. maynard’s voice is so beautiful in it.
– “the package” is really cool live when it kicks in towards the middle. the guitars are just piercing
– “the nurse who loved me” is infinitely better live than on the album. it’s one of the songs i could do without, but the way they change it live it so cool
– maynard holds the note in “the outsider”, for “what a mess” and i think it’s more impressive than the “judith” note. that’s saying alot, since his voice on “judith” is just like, gah!!
– they played “the noose”. i totally didn’t expect it and it was wonderful
– this kid behind us had a funny shirt on that said “i’m like a superhero with no special powers and no motivation” hah it made me laff

the rest of the day…ikea didn’t have the lights i wanted. must be too new or something, will have to check the other store in a few weeks. i didn’t do my hair or makeup til i got to heathers. my hair looked so rad, but i dunno what i did when i did it, but it hurt like hell. so by the time we were finishing at ikea i was dying from the pain so i had to take them out in the car. booo. it looked so cool. *whine* i think i might have had them too high on my head maybe…cuz they didn’t hurt yesterday when i wore them around the house. i switched tickets with heathers friend, so i could sit with her instead of by myself. nice kid to do it for us. i had seats on the side of the arena, and heather’s were directly across the arena from the stage. so good view the whole time, and it was wonderful

orgy is going to kick so much ass omg i can’t wait. heather said she’s gonna go now, cuz it’s on her birthday, and james said he is coming too. ha i get to dress him up la la la anyone else want in on the orgy?!? the more the merrier. i decided i definitely won’t be able to wear the fake hair to orgy cuz it’ll just get pulled/tornoff/destroyed when i’m up at barrier so i’m gonna get my hair cut off after vacation. i think i might have seen a style i liked on this asian chick at the show tonight. yeah..me…black hair, how asian do i look now? lol

took a few dumb pics that maybe i’ll post tomorrow.

haha my dream calendar for today is “car” and it says…”finally, some dream pros say cars symbolize your current relationship. hopefully it’s humming along.” and maybe its just me, but my mind immediately jumped to blow jobs. LOL may your relationship be blessed with many blow jobs…i apologize for that. i’m over tired

current mood: exhausted, was having issues staying awake on the way home
listening to: “vanishing” – apc in my head

la la la i love my black hair

i’ve definitely suceeded in looking like a whore. now i just need the hair the fishnets and whore boots definitely complete the whore outfit

OMGOMGOMGOMG!! YAAAAAAAY danielle will be home for the orgy show!!!!!!!! SO EXCITED NOW!!!!!!!

the “lord of the flies” simpsons episode (which was just on) is definitely in my top 10 list of episodes. it’s just classic. it has THE best quotes. it’s for sure one of ralph’s best episodes….go banana!

k yeah my hair, totally not dyed. and it’s pouring out right now so i don’t want to go out and get more dye. later i guess. i was going to clean but i don’t feel like it.

current mood: headache
listening to: nothing, my launch radio doesn’t work cuz i over used it for the month and i don’t want to pay for it haha

ROFL oh man… so i dyed my hair with that loving care 6-12 shampoo dye…which isn’t really dye at all, it’s like coloring your hair with jello. it already washed out ROFLMAO. i didn’t even use shampoo on it, and yeah…my hair is not black. it’s like…part black. but the top, near the roots, still brown. ROFL. this is fabulous. so now i have to decide if i want to 1. use the 2nd bottle of washout stuff i bought later when my hair dries or 2. buy a real box of black dye that won’t wash out…..i figure since i’m cutting my hair off anyway after the orgy show, i could go permanent black for a few weeks…will decide in a bit, after the hair dries…

now off to shop and show the mom the magazines. call me if you need me

current mood:
listening to: “hallo spaceboy” – david bowie toronto

i got my magazines in the mail today. they are purdy. i brought one into work with me cuz i got them from the mailbox on my way in, showed some people. it was kinda neat. i also got an email from my aunt’s friend about possibly doing some photo work for a magazine she works for/took over in chicago. but i’m not sure how that would work seeing as i’m in BUFFALO haha. i could always move to chicago and have my choice of 2 places to live and still stay in the gaming industry.

i decided i want to look into going back to school. maybe not this year maybe not next year. but possibly in the future…say next 5 years or so. going to do some research on it see what i find.

i blew my potential 40 hour week by leaving after 7 hours tonight. oh well. still the closest i’ve gotten since new years haha.

current mood: trying to make myself tired so i can go to sleep and not sleep all day tomorrow. have stuff to do during the afternoon.
listening to: nothing

you can touch me, touch me
take me to that other place
you can teach me, love
i know i’m not a hopeless case
what you don’t have you don’t need it now
what you don’t know you can feel somehow
what you don’t have you don’t need it now
don’t need it now

stephen dorff is in the new britney video where she unfortunately doesn’t die in the bathtub. song blows. the video blows. dorff doesn’t even redeem the video. except that he shaved his chest apparently, and he is so yummy.

dream: i was at home and got a phone call from a number i didn’t recognize. it sounded like a telemarketer but they were saying i needed to send them money for half of the rent of the new apartment. at first i thought it was the apt ppl saying we didn’t get the apt. i was all confused, and they explained how they were a company that keeps your rent money and holds it for you so you don’t spend it before the rent is due. i was still confused as to why i would want to use them. i thought that i was being forced to use them, but they said no it wasn’t a rule, just a suggestion so i told them no. while i was on the phone, the govenor of ny, thomas golisano, was standing there waiting to talk to me. he had to talk to me about some issue that was coming up in the election, and he needed my vote. so he was going to come back after i was off the phone. after i was done on the phone i went downstairs of my parents house and started washing the windows. the inside of the windows. the windows by the front door all still had little heart window clings on them since valentines day. i thought it was probably about time to take them off, but i didnt……dream 2: i was still wearing my retainer to bed, and during the night it fell apart, and/or it came off my teeth and i ended up chomping on it and breaking it. but along with breaking the retainer, it cracked the filling on one molar, as well as a few other teeth. i kept spitting pieces of metal wire and pieces of teeth out. i got up and tried to tell my mom that i needed her to call the dentist so i could get my teeth fixed right away. then there was something about my dad wanting to buy my grandparents old house for 200,000 and i thought that was the most retarded thing ever. 3. something else about flying with brian to cheektowaga….and the flight taking longer than the 10 minute drive would have, but for some reason we had to fly. and i had a black duffel bag, and everyone thought it was gigantic, when it was really just normal sized. and the plane did not crash *shock of shocks*

current mood: shower time
listening to: nothing yet

i’m up and out of bed and its not 12:30 yet. cuz the smoked detector in the hall went off at 12:15. but i desperately want to go back to bed so i will.

kevin is in love with me again. or still. i’m not sure which. i hadn’t talked to him in ages because he started smoking (again) and thus was too cool to hang out with us non smokers at work anymore. he was one of my dealers today and he told me he loved me again (and again and again). kept asking why i never smile anymore. wants to take me to dinner. noooooo you’re twice my age!!! he does that thing where he’ll look at you with an odd/inquisitive look on his face, which makes you ask “what?”. he’d refuse to tell me what he was thinking. he claimed that since i refuse to tell him why i don’t smile anymore, he refuses to tell me what he’s thinking. he kept threatening to burst into poetry about me in front of all the players unless i started smiling. just leave me alone please. i enjoy wallowing in my own unhappiness.

i actually had a decent day.

not sure about now tho. i don’t feel as horrific as i did last week, but i’m so far from happy i’m not sure i can even see happy right now. i thought of a term to describe my current state of emotion the other day, but i’ve since forgotten it.

lior asked me about…stuff…and applauded me for my recent…activities. he said i’m in the “right” and he’s glad i did what i had to do. that’s good…i guess. he says i’m better than that. i wish i believed him.

why do i suddenly want to cry? ive been so good about that whole crying nonsense since about…friday.

i’m trying to psych myself up for the APC show, and the upcoming orgy show. i know as soon as i get tix for orgy i’ll get excited. finally FINALLY getting to see them again. it’s been too long since seeing those fuckers. mmm boys in makeup

pai gow boy mentioned taking me to dennys again LOL.

i hope you realize i only mention all these people who love me in order to make myself feel better. i don’t do it because i think i’m gorgeous and wonderful and that everyone wants me. because that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

i wonder what kind of advice kevin would give me if i told him why i don’t smile anymore. work is not the place for that type of discussion, and i’m not about to spend another 2 hours outside bob with him. plus he makes me cry. but i’m curious as to what he would say. tho i have a good idea about some of what he’d say.

heather: i’ll be on during the day once i get my ass out of bed.

i want to go shopping because i feel the need to indulge in brian’s “disease”. but i don’t have time to go to ikea tomorrow. but hey, i can go on the way to toronto on thursday, all gothed out and freaky looking LOL rock! i want to go to the guess outlet and see if they have anything cool to replace the whore skirt that i’m still not convinced i should wear on thursday. and i feel the desire to buy shoes tho i hate shoes and everything about buying and wearing them.

and in conclusion. everyone is fucked up. yes that means you. and i’m so tired of trying to figure you out. of overanalyzing every little shred of information for some sort of insight into you. but i just. can’t. stop. so fuck you.

current mood: suddenly i dont know
listening to: nothing

wacked out dreams. dreamed i had a complete makeover and haircut from some really expensive salon in nyc. my makeover specialist was really cool and only charged me 7 dollars for the makeup job and threw in the hair cut for free. my hair was really short. like winona ryder short. and my makeup changed colors each time i looked in the mirror. then the makeover specialist went psycho. she invited me to some huge party at her house, so i went cuz i figured i sorta owed her for the free makeover. she showed me around her really cool loft, and then took me into her art exhibit…which was 4 rooms full of tvs each showing something different. not tv shows, but photos. she had taken me in there to show me some photo of marilyn manson she had taken. then it got psycho, and i was talking to some guy who said the whole thing was a plot to kill all the people at the party. so we went running through the tv rooms trying to find clues as to where the bomb was, and how to save everyone. it was nuts.

tho i like the doors. some of their “not hugely popular” songs just sound like circus music

current mood: slacker
listening to: “light my fire” – the doors

apparently there was a really bad storm here this morning (er yesterday morning)…so black it seemed like night time. lightning and wind that took down trees and caused most of niagara falls to lose power…bad hail. and i barely heard it. heard maybe 5 cracks of thunder. i had no idea it was that bad of a storm.

my goal is for this week to be my first 40 hour week since i got promoted. but i really don’t want to go and stay 8 hrs on tuesday. i floor tomorrow, baccarat tuesday, floor fri and sat, deal sunday. i for sure will not be staying all 8 hrs on sunday, the day before my vacation begins. so staying all 8 hrs tuesday is my only hope at a 40 hour week. dealt all night today and i’m really tired now. i am going to force myself to get out of bed at 12:30 tomorrow. really. i am.

i was told by 3 new dealers today that i am 1. intimidating, even when i’m dealing not flooring or 2. look miserable. as for the intimidating, i said yeah i get that alot. and then they went on to say that i was really nice LOL. the other guy asked if i liked my job cuz i look miserable. i said i always look miserable lol. and apparently i look like a groupie. cuz the 2 that were telling me i’m intimidating also made a comment that i got my inxs shirt from the band when i was backstage. i’m like wtf?!? lol how’d they know

i forget what else i had to say.

current mood: tired
listening to: “fast love” – george michael in my head from looking at carolyn’s website

launch radio is like having all my cds on random, and then other shit thrown in. and you know what? i really don’t like radiohead. i can recognize that they are talented, and not sell outs…but they just bore me. same with coldplay. boring. no thanks. next….

orgy is indeed playing toronto on may 10th, at lee’s palace (not the opera house as previously thought). no ticket info still. will keep checking ticketmaster. guess i can’t cut my hair til after may 10th now haha

one of my players half ass asked to take me out today. i fucked it up tho. he said i need to get a weekend off so he can take me out. so i said no way is that gonna happen. then i realized that sounded really bad, like i wasnt interested, so i tried to cover it up by saying that the casino keeps me prisoner there, that they wont even give me a monday off. i say no more dating players, but really, what have i got to lose? he’s 2 year younger than me. cuz i saw his drivers license lol. but whatever. it won’t happen.

i started reading a new book called lady las vegas. it’s a memoir written by a woman who’s father ran the flamingo after bugsy siegel was killed. there was a line that i found terribly appropriate for myself: …i run on instinct, immediately like or dislike someone, make snap judgements, and never change my mind. my loyalties to my friends and family run deep and true, but i know i am not easy to know. i am on guard…

got my new order of film for the vacation. i bought kodak tmax film that was imported cuz its only 2 bucks a roll instead of 3. and i figure, whats the difference if it was imported or not?? so hopefully its not totally fucked up or something. i need to buy color film. i decided i’m horribly tired of black and white. i need to go back to dansville with color. i think thats why i hate my dansville pics so much. i just wanted color so bad.

dinner with amy was good. perkins, the usual it seems lately. caught up on things with her, and bitch about boys and all that good stuff. work was hectic as saturdays always are in roulette. got the biggest insult ever when a lady told me i look like celine dion.

i decided i don’t feel like going to the APC show in rochester on the 26th…i dont want to drive out there, drive back home late, and get up early the next day for vacation. but eric doesn’t want the ticket, and i dont have anyone else to sell it to. i guess i’ll decide after the toronto show. or i just wont go and be out 30$. whatever.

found out i have 5 sick days at work. so if orgy really is playing toronto on may 10th, i will be able to call in for it. and for bowie at shea’s of course.

current mood: tired
listening to: nothing