Author Archives: Elegant

so. my brain is slowly turning to mush, and i felt the need to read a textbook. seriously. i need something academic. so i started to read “Eclipse of the state mental hospital” again. it’s about the buffalo state hospital. but it’s all academic and stuff. just boring enough to put me to sleep and just interesting enough to keep my attention, but mainly cuz it’s THE psych center, and my one true love…

but i thought maybe i’d take another college class. i want to learn to sew. so i could make my own clothes. but, no one offers that type of class. and i couldn’t find anything else at local colleges that i want to take, so i guess i’ll have to find some textbooks to read on my own. the thing is, i want to attend a class, and read for a class, but not do papers or exams  i just need to get a reading list from some class that seems somewhat interesting and just do that…i should look at those internet classes again maybe… hmm

i want to read the kind of books i had to read for my crappy sociology courses. they were interesting, and still somewhat intellectual for the most part. i mean really, who wouldn’t enjoy a book on false accusasions of ritual sexual abuse? i thought it was fascinating. or an autobiography of someone who is bipolar. or oliver sachs’ case studies….but not being in any courses i don’t know how to find any books i may like…

we got our christmas bonuses today. more than last year, so that’s nice. when i sell the z3 on ebay, i can use that money plus my bonus to buy myself a different camera.

i love my kitty. best purchase i made this year.

today went out to the first ward with leighanne. which was really nice. first time i’ve gone out there on my own, and i’m proud of myself that i managed to access places accessed before with brian. and i thought i wasn’t paying attention to where we were going. we didn’t go in anywhere, just drove around and took pics and set off an alarm. but yeah. it was nice. and there were deer everywhere!

might go to lockport with jerry on wednesday, waiting to hear back from him, and it all depends on the weather of course. if it’s super crappy then we’ll just chill here for awhile. but i checked out flinkote on thurs, and it’s still looking lovely. my luck there were ppl surveying so i couldn’t wander…did i already mention this?

spent the whole day with bandaids on my fingers, until about 2am. only one person asked me why, and i told them i had a run in with a cheese grater. as soon as i took the bandaids off i was back to picking at my skin relentlessly. ug. tony said they looked painful and they look far better today than they did yesterday. tomorrow’s excuse will be that i tried to slit my wrists and missed. or that i had an carpentry accident with a disc sander. or that i fell and grabbed a hot iron. though i like the cheese grater explanation best.

i dont feel good

i had a tornado dream wednesday night. that, along with the trent dream, are very telling regarding my current emotional state.

i’m pissed at my mom. nothing new. rejoicing over the fact that i do not have to go to detroit for Christmas. especially now that i really don’t wish to talk to her for quite a while…though we’re doing christmas on thursday before they leave for detroit.

i need to do something to relieve all my stress. because as always i’m taking it out on my fingers, and i’ve peeled pretty much all the layers of dead skin off my fingers around the nail. it’s ugly and increasingly painful. and i can’t stop.

but i did find out something quite exciting, something i had been excited about over a year ago that never panned out….if you want to know, ask, i’m not going to mention it here for a while…don’t want things to fall through. again.

not only is trent reznor remixing u2, he is also selling his house in new orleans. for under 2 million. anyone know a bank that will preapprove me for 2 mil, so i can be taken serious when i fly to new orleans and make an appointment to tour the house? if i was a real estate agent down there, with access to show the house, i’d totally start my own little side business giving tours of trent reznor’s house to black haired angsty teens like myself. haha. 25 bux a pop, i’d make a fortune haha

and i just made the most fabulous gift for lei for xmas, it is so so soooooo great. i’d post pics but i’ll wait til it’s hanging up. she already knows what it is, cuz i couldn’t really hide it. but i’m wrapping it up anyway. hehe.

aaannd i found brian’s joke gift, last ditch effort came through. yay.

this christmas is a failure so far. i just got one of the things for brian in the mail, and now i think he already has it or at least has seen it before…so it’s not as exciting as it was. tho i got excited now looking at it, that i might just give it to him tonight. then james already knows one of his gifts, and i really really really thought it was going to be super special that i had been so awesome and stumbled upon this thing that i was sure he didnt know about…nope. wrong again. and i only managed to get 1 of the 2 things i wanted for lei, which is a shame. i’m set to snipe a bunch of other auctions for lei and adr tonight.

so i went to look at the 3 houses in NT today with my mom. first was falconer, big house, i liked it, but it had issues….definitely needs a new roof that i wouldn’t be able to afford, had oil heat, semi scary stone basement, with scary asbestos insulated pipes, and no garage. and the dog of the house almost peed on my mom…just missed her leg and got all carpet. haha. dogs are really not making a good case for their species when it comes to my family….

2nd was on oelkers…way way way smaller than it looked. too small really. miniature kitchen, seriously can’t fit 2 people in it at the same time, miniature rooms…generally just too small. which is a shame cuz it was so cute.

3rd house on frederika we didn’t even go in. got there, and the realtor was like, no. he said no to all 3 houses, mainly because the prices of them were too high for what i’d be getting, too high for the things i’d need to fix as soon as i bought the house (like the roof) and he said there are alot of houses for sale in my price range, and if i’m in no hurry, than we can find others that are better. he’s supposed to look up a bunch and send them to me tonight, and might go out looking at more with him tomorrow. seems like a good guy so..that’s good

the one thing i hate about buffalo winters is the wind. if it wasnt windy every single day, winter here would be the best thing ever. even 7 feet of snow is fine with me if its not windy hah.

and now for something completely different…

there are some things that shouldn’t be messed with. just as inxs should not try to continue as a band without michael hutchence, and really really should not be having a reality show to try out new lead singers (tho i haven’t heard anything about it recently)….queen should not try to regroup with a new singer…queen without freddie mercury is just a good band, and not a phenomenal band, and it just doesn’t seem right…

a woman almost threw up on me at work today. i walked passed her in the bathroom, she had her hand over her mouth and her cheeks bulged out, and as soon as she passed me she threw up all over the floor. i was pissed cuz i was suited up, again, and i almost wished she had puked on me so then i could have gone home at 10pm. instead i faked sick and got to leave at 1:30. i’m seriously considering calling in again tomorrow because i’m just sick of that place. don’t fucking lie to me and tell me i’m the only person who they could suit up to floor today when at least 3 other dual rates were dealing and remained dealing the entire night. i haven’t dealt in 2 weeks now. of course all 3 dealing days last week i got suited up and our toke rate is going to be really high…

went to the mall today to find little fun gifts for people and ended up with nothing. still haven’t been able to find brian’s joke gift because mainly, i keep forgetting to look when i’m out at target or walmart. tomorrow is gift wrapping and xmas card writing and i’ll probably go to walmart at some point.

wednesday i’m going to look at 3 houses in NT with my mom. all more within my price range than the first one. we’ll see how that goes. the guy probably things it’s a joke or something, cuz lei called for me to set up the appts, pretended she was me, then when he called her back he of course got her voice mail with her real name…haha. so now i gotta call him to find out what time and hope he doesn’t ask why hes spoken to 2 diff people about it haha. i hate the phone. then i assume brian and james will come over for a movie or whatever. brian wants me to find the home movie of one of the Bradford PA shoot outs when they blew up a car…

thursday is….nothing. 10-6 on friday.

i dreamed of trent reznor last night. which is interesting because he reappears in my dreams at very significant points. i don’t remember alot of it. i don’t think he was my boyfriend but we lived together. and i convinced him to let me hear the new music he was working on. he played an instrumental which was the best most emotional instrumental i had ever heard.

i went to see this guy about the terminal with brian this afternoon. he used to be a sort of self proclaimed security guard in the 90s, chasing kids out and what not. he had alot of cool information and is going to dig some stuff up for us. pretty fruitful excursion i thought.

taking a mental health day today and not going into work. i’ll most definitely get written up this time, cuz i’ll for sure have over 4 points. don’t have a plan for what to do tonight, i should get my xmas cards done prolly…

not that i deserve christmas presents because i’m a mean horrible miserable person, but….i found these at target, but they only had one left. looked up the artist, and voila

steveforney.com

i want the 4 skyscraper series, ny, manhattan, paris, and london.  after xmas when i don’t get them i’ll go buy them for myself.

i also took pictures of things at target that i want for xmas, including sea monkeys, planet frog, the activision plug and play game that has pitfall…

tonight’s theme….

“do you like caffeine?”
“is there caffeine in red bull?”
“yes”
“then yes!”

i’m sorry i’m a miserable jerk. but that’s just the way it is. sometimes i really can’t comprehend how unbelievably unhappy i am.