i don’t really feel like posting, but…
happy halloween
and election day non party for those in the area, here, 7ish til we have a new president, or until we tire of listening to election day commentary on all the recounts and how it’ll take months before we know who won…anyone reading this should have already gotten an invite.
it turns out my grandma has congestive heart failure. i don’t really know what that means, cuz the word “failure” to me would mean the heart has stopped…and she’d be dead. but she’s not dead. yet. (from webmd: Heart failure occurs when your heart muscle doesn’t pump as much blood as the body needs. Failure doesn’t mean that the heart has stopped pumping but rather that it is failing to pump as effectively as it should.) i guess she’s going to have to go into the hospital to get stabilized, and find out how to “fix” it, and mom thinks she’s not gonna live much longer. so i might be going back to detroit for yet another funeral in the coming weeks.
i really like wearing these little boy undershirts i bought to wear to work. they’re comfy. i dealt pai gow tonight. the weird walmart manager who thinks i’m attractive and talks to other dealers about me was on my game today. he makes me uncomfortable now that i know what he’s said about me to others. it’s icky. left a bit early, patrick is on me to finish the dark tower book so i can give it to adam to read so i figure i’ll go read a bunch now. dealing tomorrow, 10-6 friday, 8 both weekend days. flooring on halloween so i’ll get to be a vampire at work instead of a pirate. i don’t know what to do with the pirate costume now….
and i return from the dead. was that inappropriate?
well. friday on the way to the jordan concert we passed a funeral parlor. jenn started talking about her father’s funeral this past christmas, and i had mentioned it was going to be horrible when one of my grandparents finally went, because it would be a big family reunion full of people i don’t know or remember, telling me the last time they saw me was when i was “this big” and how big i am now. it was exactly like that.
so i drove out there tuesday. upon going into canada i was told i wasn’t going to be allowed back into the country on my way home, and would have to go through ohio and pennsylvania, because i didn’t have a passport. gave me a really hard time for no reason. jerk. stopped at ikea in burlington on the way. and it still only took me 4 hours to get there. oops. i arrived at the funeral home before the rest of my family did. viewing was from 4 to 9. it was pretty bad. my grandma can hardly walk, so she spent the entire time in a wheel chair. she has no teeth anymore, can hardly talk, and of course was extremely upset. it was rough. big giant family reunion. have i mentioned how big my family really is? both sides of my mom’s family are huge, and most are still in michigan. my mom has 52 first cousins (i have 2…), and who knows how many 2nd cousins (over 100). aunts uncles cousins everywhere, and i probably only remembered…10 at most (many i’ve never met to begin with). and the last time i’ve seen even these 10 was over 10 years ago. so anyway…
my grandpa was a very colorful person, as are most people in my family. loud, opinionated, obnoxious, never shut up. a character. it was hard not to expect him to sit up in the casket and start talking. it really was. one of his friends said if we played a tape of rush limbaugh he surely would sit up and start yelling ha.
wednesday was the marathon 8 hour viewing from 1 – 9. even more family i half remember. a less emotional day for the most part. i was accosted by 2 cousins? who wanted to make sure i’d be voting for Kerry because my grandpa would haunt me for the rest of my life if i didn’t. no worries there. aahhh the freak show showed up on wednesday. half my family is very very good looking, some modeled, some are just really attractive. the other half is out of a haunted house or something. there’s aunt rose, my grandpa’s sister. she has really bad alzheimers and didn’t know where she was or who anyone was. wears a very bad white wig (even though she has hair which her husband dyes blond for her…). her husband, dominic, is the one related to sonny bono. imagine sonny bono but with a very bad black hair piece, bad upper lip moustache, much worse skin, huge nose, and generally more twisted up and you have dominic. in a purple somekind of print suit. their daughter, donna, the 400 lb schizophrenic…dominic bleaches her hair blond as well. their son sammy, the don (seriously), who looks like a young dominic, not quite as horrifying. daughter susie, smaller and less crazy version of donna, but still horrifying, but with dark hair. she had some supremely scary stoned looking boyfriend with her. i really wish i would have brought my camera, because omg, they were amazing…
ex uncle mark came one of the days. he is the artist who thought i actually have some talent. it was nice to see him again, it’s been a long time. other colorful family members were there as well, and some 2nd cousins or something who remembered me. it wasn’t as horrible, but it was so long and boring and i don’t know what to say to anyone. oh my personal favourite moments of the few days were the “she has a 4 year degree in psychology but works at a casino” comments, laced with disappointment.
today was the actual funeral. cousin billy told him the red sox won (grandpa died of a heart attack eating pizza and watching the boston/ny game on saturday). a friend of his said he’d see him soon, but hopefully not TOO soon. haha. it first time i was at a real catholic funeral. lonnnnggg. and horrible. we didn’t go to the cemetery thankfully, but right to the luncheon. by this time i was in severe withdrawl from my meds which i forgot to bring with me…my dad and i left for home around 4. i was allowed back into canada thank god, and am home now trying not to be sick. i feel like crap.
i found it all to be a bit disturbing for some reason. i can’t really explain it. it was really emotional, and seeing everyone else emotional made me even more emotional. i don’t know why. selfish reasons i think. as much as i complained about him and dreaded the holidays there, he was very loved by his huge family and lots of friends. and it made me feel really sorry for myself because i don’t have that. i probably never will have that. i don’t know why it made me feel even worse than i already felt, but it did. i found the whole…viewing thing slightly disturbing, because it’s all these people gathered in a room, a room you’re sharing with a corpse! a dead body!!! my family would touch him, and i didn’t even want to go near him. HE’S DEAD!!!! but it was like, no big deal, happens all the time…but it bothered me for some reason.
i do not want a funeral. i do not want to be buried. for those of you in my life now who may be still in it when i die…if you want to have some kind of gathering or memorial, have a big ass party. i do not want a casket, so i guess my dead body wouldn’t even be at the party. if you insist on me being there, you can rent caskets until creamation. yes i’ve decided now that i want to be creamated. my ashes can be thrown around wherever you want…but i don’t want any part of me to be buried. the party should be big and glam and glittery and fun, and i only insist on my 2 nin instrumentals “leaving hope” and “the persistence of loss” to be played at some point during the party. i can’t think of any other instructions for you at this point.
mr kitty is like twice the size he was when i left tuesday. i swear he is. stop growing!! i bought the most fabulous jacket at hot topic before i left. it’s so wonderful. saturday is tea party concert.
i got my order from hot topic. best.shirt.ever. i think i’m going to have to change my halloween costume, because i need some excuse to wear it. holy cow. so hot.
i needed to get out of the house so we drove down to bob to take pics with the new cam. and since we were in that direction we went to the terminal then downtown and then a buff ave bus stop i drive past ever night. some neat pics.
tomorrow is jordan. hot.
boys are so freaking whiney. “ooh i’m so tired, oh i just got out of work and i’m too tired to hang out for an hour, that would only require driving around the block practically or even not driving at all, i am so tired i can’t do anything.” fuck off with your tiredness, there’s no way you’re so tired that you can’t bother to do anything for a little bit. i hate that kind of an excuse from people. fucking suck it up already. it’s such a cop out. just say no, i don’t want to hang out with you. because i don’t know anyone who has ever been so tired that they couldn’t do something. even my friends who had mono (or when i had mono) could still be somewhat active. i have a headache the size of rhode island and feel like i’m about to throw up, yet i can still function and do SOMETHING to occupy myself. but whatever. your loss
this beligerant drunken asshole went off on me last night because i touched his drink. i picked it up to put it in a cup holder and he started saying that he couldn’t drink it anymore cuz he didn’t know where my hands have been. i thought he was kidding until he didn’t let it go, and bad mouthed me for the next half hour. i stood there smiling. he asked me if i was happy with myself because he was so absolutely disgusted now. it was actually sort of funny. i was hoping he’d spill the drink so i could make some sarcastic remark about having it in a cup holder, and having to kick him off the table cuz of the spill. but no such luck. i guess he continued bad mouthing me for the rest of the night. gotta love my job.
so it looks like, if we can’t take the nevada test site tour we are going to rent a car and drive out to Rhyolite Nevada, a ghost town on the edge of death valley. it’s about 2 hours from las vegas it seems. should be cool. JC gave me a handy dandy little map of las vegas to take on the vacation. the front of the map says “blahblahblah las vegas map for urban explorers”…i think they’re misusing that term hahah
we considered driving to joshua tree national park but…haha apparently the REAL joshua tree fell down 2 years ago, so it’s not the same….it’s also 5 hours from vegas. no thanks.
in honor of tonight’s final presidential debate, my first exposure to bush’s stupidity….
“and so, in my State of the – my State of the Union – or State – my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation”
the good news: even tho the tapeworm project is dead, a perfect circle is resurrecting the song we know as “vacant” for their political album that is being released on election day. renamed as “passive” it appears to be the same song. yay! exciting.
the bad news: wynn las vegas is not accepting applications until november 1st. so i guess auditioning there is out…haven’t checked the casino job site yet, will do that tomorrow. i just really wanted to try to get in at wynn…not opening until next year, would give me time to quit here and move out there etc….
mr kitty needs to stop pawing my face.
and i still don’t think our furnace works. i tried to turn it on again today and it didn’t do anything except click…freezing in here. i wonder what happened to my little fleece blanket…
it’s hard to type with a cat laying on my arm and shoulder.. oh good he moved.
today…was up way too early to go to griffiss sculpture park. it was interesting. though all i wanted to do was sleep. the sun came out as soon as we left.
work sucked. the end.
since i began dealing, and since it turns out i was good at it, i’ve been talking about taking some auditions when i’m out in vegas. i had sort of let that thought fade into the background, because i began thinking that maybe i don’t want to go out there yet. maybe i don’t want to leave this area yet. that i was/am (unfortunately) becoming established here and that i can’t/don’t want to leave yet. and then i realized today that i have absolutely no reason to stay in this area. i have nothing to stay here for. the only thing that i sorta have to stay for is a decomposing empty train station that won’t miss me when i’m gone. so i’m going to look up who’s hiring out in vegas so maybe i can put some applications in afterall. i have to remember to go see frank at new york new york because when he left here he told me to find him and he’d get me a job.
it hasn’t really been a good day mentally. just sorting things out in my head the last few weeks and trying to come to terms with certain things and stop kidding myself about others. same old same old no big deal. but vacation seems perfectly planned once again. i need to get away.
king of the hill. hank hill goes to las vegas to try to find his father who ran away. hank goes up to a dealer.
hank: have you seen an old man about yay high possibly shouting obsenities
dealer: welcome to my world
HAHA!
i just made a dumb impulse purchase from hot topic…i went to the site to see if they had my shoes on there (they do, will have to go to a store and try them on). ended up buying this black and red velvet corset top…eek! it’s so fabulous. i figure if it doesn’t fit i can just send it back. i 3 day shipped it so it’ll get here in time for vegas. i totally didn’t realize vegas was only a week away! yay.
i think everyone has seen sunbeams coming out of clouds, where it looks like fingers of light coming out from the sun and traveling down to the earth. the other night when i was driving home from work, the way the clouds or fog was, the same effect happened to the moon. i had never seen that before. there was a single moonbeam coming down from the moon like a spotlight and shining right on orion. so beautiful.
last night i dreamed about stars. in the sky. i think i/we were just outside the apartment but we could see billions of stars lighting up the sky. many more than i have ever seen out in the mountains looking at the milky way…
recap: i dealt 3 days in a row, which was awesome, except i remembered why i hate dealing blackjack. tuesday night i just wandered around taking people’s games so they could go re-train on blackjack. easy night.
last night the 4 of us went to the corn maze in nt. not the most spectacular corn maze ever since the corn didn’t grow well and most of the time, we were taller than it. but we still made it fun. we had gotten a combo deal thing, which got us free kettle corn and pop and activity tickets. so we cashed it all in. the blow up thing featured in the pictures in the previous entry is called the sticky stampede. you get in the velcro overalls, and run through the blow up obstacle course which is also covered in velcro. it was a blast. absolute hilarity. and definitely more difficult than it seems at some parts haha. topped that off with edible sugar/sand art and teds hotdogs. came back here to remove the arcade games off the deck and into the basement (THANKS BOYS) so that we didn’t get evicted, and then watched 28 days later. not as scary as all the commercials said it was. it wasn’t scary at all really. moral of the story: don’t rescue test animals from research labs because they’ll kill you. paid for by friends of animal testing. take that PETA!
i think it’s really great that we can make fun out of really stupid or not the most fun things ever. had a fabulous time despite the lameness of the maze.
patrick loaned me the last book in the dark tower series. started it tuesday, on page 150 now. if you haven’t read it yet, this is not a spoiler, but you might not want to read it anyway. i really can’t stand that stephen king has written sept 11th into the book. or any “dark date” in history really (i believe there is a jfk assassination reference). it’s just cheesey and lame and distasteful i think. it bugs me.
tonight: pr committee meeting and then……*fill in the blank*