too.much.death.

darleen’s funeral was horrible. more horrible than my grandfathers. it’s always sad to see someone die young. she was around 50. my grandpa was almost 80. there’s a huge difference. tons and tons of people there because she was involved in a lot of book clubs, had started a program through working at barnes and nobles to donate books to people who don’t have money to spend on them, and had a big native american family. her son (my mom’s godson) paul is devastated. her daughter carrie just seemed numb. when we were leaving paul said that darleen was so proud of me for getting published in that magazine. she called me pretty polly for years after playing a character by that name in the 5th grade clowns play. she was more family to me than my family is, since they’re all so far away. it was horrible. just really really bad. they played that arms of the angle song by sarah maglaclan (sp?) and the entire room seemed to start sobbing.

that whole reevaluating life in the face of death thing…yeah…

i’m looking at a house tomorrow. it’s in NT on 14th street, being sold by friends of my parents. we drove by it today and it’s super cute, and apparently in perfect condition cuz the owners were anal about everything. it’s got a 2nd kitchen in the basement, an organ, stained glass windows, 2 car garage, 1.5 baths, 3 bedrooms, shed, small back yard so less upkeep blah blah blah. i went to the bank about getting a mortgage, and they are going to call on friday to finish my pre-approval. my mom is all gung ho for it, my dad is not. he doesn’t think i should buy a house if i don’t plan on staying in the area for at least 10 more years. i could be here another year (most likely) or maybe even 5 years and i absolutely DO NOT want to keep spending 800$ a month on rent for another 5 years. or maybe i will end up meeting the love of my life and getting married and having a family based in NT and i will be here for the rest of my life…never know. i just do not want to keep throwing away all this money on nothing. so whatever. looking at it before the funeral for darleen tomorrow.

i get to go to another funeral. my mom’s friend, “aunt” darleen, died last night. of the flesh eating bacteria. internally, not on the skin. seriously. carrie called my mom friday night to tell her they were taking darleen to the hospital in hamilton because she felt really really ill. they operated on her immediately and tried to get out the mass of flesh eating bacteria. they thought they got it all out, but 3 hours later a new mass of bacteria had grown even larger, and she didn’t make it. the funeral is tues or wed, not sure yet. more shocking than grandparents being ill and dying, she was younger than my mom, and one of my mom’s best friends.

i was thinking the other day about this VHS game called nightmares, that the carlo’s had…came with a video tape of this scary guy who would pop on screen at certain times and scare the crap out of you and tell you something to do. at the beginning of the game you had to write your biggest fear on a card and put it into a velvet bag (i don’t remember why though). and i always put down i was scared of the flesh eating bacteria.

and ol dirty bastard died…

and my grandma probably has lung cancer. mom is going back to detroit to go to more doctor appointments with her after darleen’s funeral.

*sigh*

everyone had a jolly good drunken time last night while i was at work. came home to an orgy in leighanne’s bed. mr kitty is traumatized. slept all day, then took james home at 530, then went right to work. dealing tomorrow at 8.

we always seem to have pr meetings on days when my head is messed up. was driving poorly because the movement of other cars was making me sort of dizzy and disoriented. got lost. got to the meeting. got irritated. etc. i can’t handle all the talking at once when my head is messed up. and then changing things around, or suggesting to change things that were already discussed at length last month and decided upon. irritates me. but part of working in a group, just have to deal with it.

went to dennys after with lei adr and james. came home and watched tv. real exciting isn’t it?

lei’s ex roommate jerameeeeeeee is coming to visit tomorrow and they’re all going out but nooooooooooo i have to go to work. fabulous.

what else can i complain about? oh yeah, everything. still haven’t been able to get my painkillers refilled because the pharmacy can’t ever get ahold of my doctor. my face is breaking out massively and the stuff my other doctor gave me doesn’t work (surprise). so i don’t really want to fill that prescription because it’ll cost me 40$ for a miniscule amount of stuff that doesn’t work. WHY CANT SHE FIX MY FACE ALREADY?!?! no one else i know has as bad of skin as i do. i’m really really tired of it. i’m not a teenager anymore, hello.

can i just sleep the rest of my life away? please?

depressing…

slept til 430 cuz i didnt get home til 730. went to fallsview with tony and some other people from work. lost some money, then tony and i got comped for breakfast. always nice to get a chance to talk to him outside of work. i say that every time we go out hahah. and we say that we’ll hang out more outside of work and we don’t. hopefully when carnivale returns to hbo we’ll start up carnival thursdays with dave again.

i just want to say that i don’t care what anyone else thinks about my hair, i absolutely love it black, and i think it looks totally natural on me. everyone is used to me having red hair so they think the black is too shockingly dark. but i’m SUPPOSED to have dark hair. so get over it. and besides, it’s already fading and it has brown tint in good light.

so, finally, WBEN started their campaign to raise the money for the CTRC to buy back the concourse clock. i’m not sure of the time table, but i think we have to do it in about a month, and then the clock will be returning back home  i’m happy that it worked out. if you hop over to WBEN’s site they used one of my pictures on their little blurb thing. thanks for the credit guys…thanks for giving me my pictures back too, thanks.

i don’t know if anyone is coming over tonight.

ok so the u2 album isn’t as bad as i thought it was. i like it more today. “city of blinding lights” is really good and fun. the lyrics are getting under my skin, and i think the overall cryability of this album is around a 9 a 10. need to find out if lyrics for all the songs are up anywhere yet. it’s tending to remind me more of zooropa now. a few of the songs, especially the slower ones, or ones with slow parts, remind me of “the first time”. “one step closer” really reminds me of “the first time”. just that it’s quiet and slow. but i still don’t like “one step closer”. it’ll always be the “grace” of this album lol. i like “all because of you” but it bugs me because it sounds out of tune, or bono sounds off key or something. yeah. so it’s getting better. and haha yeah, in the background of “crumbs from your table” there is some kind of sound effect that sounds siren-air-raid-like…and i keep thinking it’s the “accident horn” from durez…the whistle that would go off when the plant had some kind of accident. haha

a recap
1. cleaned the kitchen twice – counters, sink, dishes, washed the floor, febreezed everything etc
2. reorganized the food cupboard
3. halloween…my non costume that was just an excuse to wear the corset shirt.
4. james jenn and adr came over tues night for election coverage
5. painted the legs of one of the unfinished decorated tables. we never finish anything.
6. board meeting
7. put together the ctrc newsletter
8. wed night at jasen’s. watched…um…searching for bobby fischer.
9. spent quality time at the laundromat because kitty was bad saturday night, basement door was shut, so he picked the best possible place to take a crap – my bed. washed the comforter in the big industrial washer ha. take that!
10. dyed my hair black
11. accomplished nothing of note obviously
12. got a copy of the tea party show from a few weeks ago – rock!
13. finished the last dark tower book – SK is right, no one believes in the “it’s in the journey not the destination” thing…kept reading to his coda because i didn’t like “the ending”. i won’t say anymore incase someone hasn’t finished yet *ahemjames* or doesn’t want anything ruined for them.
14. u2 album in 18 days

such the exciting life i lead

while it’s safe to say me, and many of my friends, and my family are disappointed and scared to death of the next 4 years, i am not going to talk about my feelings on the election.

i will say that i’m working overtime trying to get the fbi to show up at my door.

i had this crazy dream about being in toronto and waiting for a bus/subway that would take me back to the falls. waited forever, but while i was waiting there was a hockey game at maple leaf gardens between the leafs and the sabres…it was a rerun…old jerseys old players…tons of players and the ice was gigantic. it was really weird. the bus/subway finally came and i was with a bunch of people from work. we drove passed these bombed out gutted buildings ripe for urbex. one of them was a shoe factory and there were all sorts of brand name vintage shoes everywhere, including white keds with puffy paint already on them…and there was a really really fat person on the bus/subway that had to sit between the rows of seats in the aisle because they were too fat to fit in the pair of two seats…so they were spread out across 2 seats, the aisle and the other 2 seats…

board meeting tonight, then nothing

 

my father sent me this link to a WBFO editorial on the election. i think it’s a very good piece, and sums up many of my feelings on the situation.

we’re in for it. we are in for the scariest 4 years in a long long time. and not necessarily because of anything bush might do to us immediately, but for what comes after, when instead of reaping benefits, we are suffering the consequences. i am moderately up to date on recent history, as i’ve always enjoyed the 20th century, and i can’t think of a period of recent history that was scarier than what we’re going into. despite the cold war, and the posturing by the US and USSR, i think it’s safe to say nothing would have ever happened to turn it into a “hot war”….the arms race and mutually assured destruction prevented any all out war between “democracy” and “communism” ever occuring. yes that was scary, thinking about the possibility of a nuclear holocaust is beyond frightening, but it wouldn’t have (and obviously didn’t) happen. this “dangerous cowboy” we have in office has the potential to do much more damage than any nuclear strike ever could…

i find it so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that america has the most ignorant population of any “civilized” nation. i really can’t believe that people are so blinded by money that all they care about are tax cuts that won’t even benefit them. that they can be so easily swayed by biased media on terrorism and iraq. it still blows my mind that 11% of the population thinks the war is going well.

i realize that i have mostly right-wing conservative friends at the moment, and that we probably disagree in most issues that these people re-electing bush consider important. i don’t mean to offend (and i also don’t think i am). but i still can’t believe it happened. the president, and government, and this election is/was not about stem cell research, is/was not about abortion, and is/was not about Jesus. i’m probably one of the most moral people you will ever meet, yes morals are important to me, but not when considering who is going to lead this country. intelligence is a BIT more important in the “leader of the free world” to me, than what they think about stem cell research, gay marriage, abortion or religion. i am not going to waste my breath with my opinions on any of these subjects, because it doesn’t matter. it doesn’t matter what i think, or what you think, or what the president thinks, because it has absolutely no bearing on running this country in today’s world. maybe the entire world will simply cease to exist if every gay person in this country got married, but i’d bet against it. i think how we handle other countries, international conflicts and problems, the “war against terrorism” etc will have a much bigger impact on us and the entire world than if mary smith down the street wants an abortion. it just flat out IS NOT IMPORTANT to me. what this country does on the global stage is. we have to live here, we have to deal with it, our children have to deal with it long after this horrifying administration is gone. bush and his cronies are going to be fine, we, however, are not.

i’m just so frustrated i don’t even know what to say or think. on the verge of tears because i can’t believe the results of tuesday.

it amuses me to think about what would happen if the kerry states – the east and west coast more or less – seceeded from the union. let’s see the bush states get along with out us.

this is really a sad time, one i am not proud to be living in.

and i said i wasn’t going to talk about the election…

election day is finally here. i’ve only been waiting 4 years for this. i can’t bare to tune into the tv yet. reading the few articles in the news so far, it’s beyond frustrating. i still can’t fathom how anyone can support bush for re-election. the ignorance of the american people astounds me. especially people around here. but like i keep saying, ny doesn’t matter, it’s a kerry state in the end no matter what…

i was talking to someone at work who went to my high school a few years ahead of me. i think he is one of the most ignorant people i’ve met in a long, long time. i absolutely could not continue the conversation we were having, i just wanted to punch him. i really don’t care who anyone votes for, if you actually support bush, fine – but be informed at the very least. don’t be a sheep. you should be able to tell me why you support such a complete moron for president. (an aside about this person – he was talking about how great the alamo movie is, and about all the people in the fight like sam houston – and he says, you think they named the city after him? gee you’re quick…)

the lady at the poll almost didn’t let me vote because my signature today didn’t match my signature from SIX YEARS AGO! i would have called that voter fraud line immediately if she hadn’t said “good enough”.

few more hours to vote, for those of you who haven’t yet. this is possibly the most important election we will see in our lifetime…

**

alot of APC fans were…disappointed…that the band decided to record a politically charged album of cover songs. the album is for sale today, and it’s called emotive. as part of the release, the band’s website is featuring different propaganda posters on it’s site, based on WPA posters from WWII….despite the fact that i love propaganda, i think they’re quite cool.