today’s to do list
1. see if my check was direct deposited into my account. i think i was too late for this week to have been deposited. but i figure i better check before driving my ass to the falls, since i have no gas.
2. if above was not deposited, go to work, get money.
3. get gas
4. go to the post office.
5. was invited to rumors tonight with eric, amanda, and adr and whoever else, but i don’t think i’m up to it. we’ll see how i feel later.
parents are leaving tonight, so i think i’m fending for myself as far as dinner is concerned. super. it’s too hot to cook, and i can’t cook. mcdonalds.
1. check wasn’t deposited
2. got a great parking space to go pick up my check. why can’t i get great parking spaces when i actually have to work? ran in and out, got my check – it was pretty nice this time around.
3. got gas for 1.53 then the station a block over had it for 1.51 arg.
4. post office was the post office
5. went to the library too. the NT library is a giant waste of time. but it brought back memories of my childhood when i’d participate in the summer reading program. every year they had a theme, and in the childrens department there would be some kind of play structure to go along with the theme. this year was a circus theme, and they had a little circus tent set up. i remember going to the library and playing in whatever was set up, and getting out the same books to read every year – cuz even back then i was lazy and cheated. hehe. i would out and out lie on my list of books i read. i would read the beginning and write it down. god i’m horrible. how did i get this way?
6. there was a spider in my car when i was stuck at the construction on river road. good thing i was stopped or i would have freaked out more than i did. i had the time to take my shoe off and try to kill it. try – is the key word. tried 3 times, and don’t think i ever killed it. so needless to say, since i didn’t know where it went to, i was incredibly jumpy the rest of the ride to hard rock. i just wanted out of the car lol.
so anyway. i finally got the “don’t invite that boy to our house on saturday – he might get the wrong idea” comment from my mom this morning. i’ve been waiting for it. haha. not like it matters, his parents are going to be gone as well lol. i think i’m going to go to media play later, to find the mick rock books. i really wish the stupid library would have had them, because i do not want to buy them. i just want to borrow them and look through them and scan stuff. blah.
since my mom had suggested that i buy a house the other day, i was thinking about how i would paint and decorate a house if i actually bought one. i remembered that eric and i saw THE coolest BRIGHT red couch at salvation army last weekend. it was so friggen rad. it looked in good condition too, but there was no price so i figured someone had bought it. but if i could get that couch, i’d do my living room with black walls, the bright red couch and then like zebra print things – pillows and stuff. and some cool trendy lamps. it’d rock. that’s the only room i thought about tho haha.
i’ve forgotten to mention why Lestat is the best Anne Rice character…in “lestat” he turns his mom into a vampire. in “queen of the damned” he’s a friggen rock star for christs sake. in “body theif” he has sex with a nun, and later causes her to get stigmata. and in “memnoch” he feeds off jesus. lol.
woo hoo. dad said i can drive his miata this weekend. i would have anyway 馃檪 and now i don’t have to use my own gas that i just put in. lovely lovely. i suck at driving his car so bad. it’s awful to shift, but i get the hang of it after a few miles. hehe. so who wants to go for a ride?
secondly, i just remembered this utterly pointless thing that kate and i did yesterday. that awful britney spears song (i mean, the most awful one)…not a girl not yet a woman…was on the tvs. at the same time we both expressed our hatred for her and that song, and proceeded to squish her head a la “kids in the hall” LOL. kate tried to flick her off that damn cliff she’s standing on in the video. we’re so stupid. we both bitched about stupid kylie minogue too…about her non dress (that nick loves so much i might add. he tells everyone to be quiet cuz kylie is singing to him when she comes on haha..which leads to allstar and i commenting about how she looks like a rat). that reminds me, allstar got moved into retail so now we don’t have to deal with him much anymore. it’s nice haha.
i’m so bored. i feel myself slipping into the kind of mood i was in the other day, purely cuz i’m bored and thinking too much. but trying not to.
talking about my insecurities does not make me feel any better.
the day deteriorated in more than one way. my personal mood went down the shitter for a while, and is now hovering slightly over the bowl. i need to get out of the house, yet i don’t want to spend my night at a dance club. i’ll end up sitting here wallowing in my own…whatever….secondly, the weather is crap now. it wants to rain, but isn’t yet. so i can’t go drive real fast to drown out my thoughts in the convertible. which is something i’d really like to do right now. it’s cooled down SLIGHTLY, but is more humid than ever so i just feel disgusting.
i think i’ll hit the stores tonight, probably with eric, before they go out. keep myself occupied. i was going to watch hedwig today, but i don’t think that would do me much good, so i might watch fight club if nothing is on tv. maybe i’ll try to figure out something to do with my hair, since it’s going to be in this half mullet stage for a long time if i really leave it to grow out.
nobody has “blood and glitter”. nobody has any mick rock books of any kind. eric and i went to barnes and nobles, media play, and borders. negative at each one. now i’m never going to get to see this book. i looked under photography and music books, negative. ug. i’m so not buying it!!! make sure i don’t buy it.
anyway, it was sorta sprinkling but sorta not, so we said fuck it and put the top down. i love driving with the top down, especially when the sun isn’t cooking your head lol. my dad doesn’t have much gas in his car tho, so i don’t know if i should take it to work tomorrow or not. esp since we’re leaving for dinner right after work. i wish we had more solid plans so i knew what to wear and shit. i’m gonna end up bringing like 3 different things to change into. god i feel like such a stupid girl LOL. i’m also not sure i should drive my dads car to work cuz kate’s got broken into the other day and she only drives a saturn…lol.
early on in the summer, you might remember, i almost totally screwed up my website by cancelling my account, and re-ordering an account, but then cancelling it all and asking them to put it back to the way it was hehe. well they still seem to think i cancelled my account and i got an email from them to fill out a survey about why i left the company, and then they offered me the “please come back” special price packages. I WANT THE DAMN SPECIAL PACKAGES. right now i pay 9.95 a month for 200mb, 6gb transfer, 50 pop accounts, no subdomains or ftp accounts. with their special “Come back” packages i could pay 5.95 a month for 200mb, 6gb transfer, 50 pop accounts, 25 subdomains and 3 ftp accounts (among everything else i get now)….I WANT THE DAMN SPECIAL PACKAGE. so i might end up canceling my account, and signing up for the special price one LOL. but of course i’d have to re-download my entire site, because i deleted all the files once i realized i didn’t need to re-upload them to the new account. confusing i know. but if there is any down time in the site, that’s why. if i do it i’m changing my primary domain to icenine.org instead of pc.com, and using pc.com as the parked domain….it’ll facilitate the transfer NEXT august better if i do it that way.
i should do it to keep my mind occupied…
random: lately i really wish i’d have stuck with playing piano, and taking french lessons. i think it would be really great if i could be someplace with a piano and just start playing. i think of it every time Billy Joel’s “piano man” comes on at work – cuz in new orleans at our group dinner, one of the men in the other large party played part of that song for everyone. i think it would be awesome if i could do that. but i can’t. and the french thing… don’t know where that came from at all. i just really had the desire to do an entire blog post in french, but i don’t remember any of it. i remember some
ou est la boeff?
ou est la salle de bain?
quelle heure et il? (which reminds me, nick said that to me and i was like, yeah i know french, and said my famous ou est la boeff line, and he got a big kick out of that…:P)
c’est combien?
ok so i mainly just know questions LOL. i know other stuff…
i know i’m blogging alot of self-pitying crap lately but deal with it. that’s what blogs are about. i’m not really sure why i’m feeling this way all of a sudden. it’s alot more than just shit with relationships. but i don’t know what it is.
earlier i was reading a random blog and the person was talking about a childhood friend. i was suddenly yearning something awful to be a kid again. i don’t usually get that kind of feeling. my childhood was fine, i played with my friends, but usually it’s not something i want to go back to. i don’t like the naiveity of it all. but after reading their blog i wanted it so bad. i wanted everything to go back in time when it was easy…when you looked forward to growing up because you didn’t know what it’d actually be like. all you had to worry about was not being “it” in hide and go seek…(which reminds me, i had been thinking about how the neighborhood used to play this game called Spud…but i had no idea how you played it. nick randomly mentioned playing spud the other day. i was like OMG how the hell do you play it, cuz i’ve been trying to remember!! it was bizzare)…
i want to go back to when i just walked in my next door neighbors house, and find them to play with…their mom would make us sandwiches for lunch that were cut in triangles, and give us tropical punch koolaid in little dixie cups, and iced animal cookies for dessert. i want to go back to trying to play hopscotch in the driveway in the dark, trying to see the lines in the little bit of light from the street lamps. i want to go back to playing paddle ball across the street, also in the dark. playing “spins” on the front lawn….kick the can…nightly neighborhood softball under the power lines…asking parents if so-and-so could sleep over…running through the sprinkler…asking permission to ride bikes around the “big block” of pioneer and fairmont….swimming at wurlitzer pool…sleeping in a tent in the back yard….sand boxes…snow tunnels…riding bikes to wurlitzer pharmacy to buy 5 cent candy….mosquito bites.
i want to go back to when i didn’t have to worry about paying off my loans. when i didn’t have to worry about finding a job…when i didn’t have to worry about disappointing everyone who’s ever met me because i’m not living up to my potential…when i didn’t have to worry about relationships or lack of or anything to do with that…when the extent of worrying about my friends was giving them a hug if they fell off their bike…when there were few expectations of how i should be, or how i should act and what i should feel…when the biggest drama of our lives was when one of us ran home because we were being “left out”….when the only soap opera was in Barbie land.
it’s the heat. i think it’s the heat. it’s making everyone crazy. so many people i know are in these funks…it’s like things seem ok one day, and the next it’s like…everything falls apart again. it’s reverse seasonal affect disorder – instead of being depressed in the winter because of lack of sun, it’s being depressed in the summer cuz the heat makes you insane.
there is very little reason for me to be feeling this way, because my life is fine. despite the money/loan problems…things could be 4000 times worse than they are. i don’t know why i feel like complaining all the time, and why i feel so…awful. i really really need a change in my life. i need to get out of here. i wish i could defer my loans for like, psychological reasons… like, to save my sanity i need to go on an extended vacation someplace else – like cross country, or europe – and when i return, and am still sane, then i’ll pay my loans back. but nooooo you can only get them deferred if you’re still a student. i think i can sign up for ECC until the day classes start. probably even after classes start. haha.
everyone says you find yourself in college. i didn’t find a damn thing. i still need to find myself. i need to figure out who i am, and what the hell i want. for years i’ve felt like i’m on the edge…where one really bad thing could completely push me over, but so far i’ve managed to be pretty lucky in the “bad thing” department. i had my bad thing 5 years ago with psycho, and i did go over the edge, i had my breakdown…and i was fine. still on the edge, but fine. i want to be really far from the edge though…i don’t see that happening.
i feel like i’m turning into everything i never wanted to be, and everything i hate in other people. but i can’t stop it. god i feel like i should delete this whole post, because this is the kind of thing that i’d read and be like, shut the fuck up, you’re life is fine…fuck.
i’m sorry.
