April 2002 Dreams

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April 29, 2002

i was in a parking lot by my car. i guess it was by a restaurant, but there was also a sporting goods store. my 12th grade science teacher mr swisher was there, and he was talking to some others in the middle of the parking lot. i haven’t seen him in 3 years or so, so i was suprised to run into him. he still had his semi mullet. he and one of the men he was with were holding umbrellas even tho it was sunny. so i concluded that his skin cancer must still be a threat and he’s covering himself from the sun. then he saw me and came over to talk to me. he said he had seen me online, and at the time was hoping i didn’t IM him or he would have told me he wished i would shut up because he had been having a bad day. well i was confused because i’ve changed my screenname twice since the last time he knew it, and didn’t know how he had my new one. then i realized he saw my old one online, and so then i didn’t know who had gotten access to it and used it. so i was looking for a piece of paper to write my new name on for him. and i was waiting for him to ask me about my head, since he was always really concerned about my headaches because his wife had almost died of an aneyurism.
*alarm* *snooze button*
i had to deliver replacement carpets to one of the townhouses. the worker gave me squares of carpet, just throw rugs, to take to the house and he pointed to it. but when i was actually on my way to the house i forgot which one it is. so i was standing there hugging the carpets to myself, and someone answered the door and i asked them if they were the people who needed the new carpets. they let me in, but they had carpet. but it was white burber, not the green/brown/multi colored carpet in the rest of the townhouses. but it was that house that needed the carpet, because it was all bulged up and wavy, because it hadn’t been layed right the first time. but the person was confused why i was there, since it was almost the end of the year and they figured they wouldn’t get replacement carpet until they were moved out and all the furniture was gone. i told them i had no idea, but i was there with carpet so i left it there for them
*alarm again*
and something about marilyn manson’s “coma white” song… i was hearing it in my dream, and visualizing the video. but it wasn’t the real video, and i realized it and was like… no this isn’t right, the video for “coma white” is the one where marilyn and rose mcgowan re-enact the Zapruder film…
posted by sara @ 2:44 PM//

April 28, 2002

more about driving my car in heavy traffic trying to get to buffalo for a sabres game. or to go downtown to see if we could get tickets for the sabres game, which was the last game of the season that night. lots of traffic. no crashes this time though.
posted by sara @ 2:46 PM//

April 27, 2002

oh yeah, remembered a dream from the other day. i went to see queen of the damned at an old theatre with danielle and adrienne. we had to park in a muddy parking lot, and it was near the erie canal but we weren’t going to the riviera. the theatre didn’t look like a normal movie theatre either. there were like tables and chairs, and beds, and we were watching the movie and there kept being problems with it. then someone came in to sell everyone popcorn, but it was on fire, and we all had to evacuate. so we left the theatre, cuz the movie was over, and me and danielle were like, did they show us the whole movie? and i was like, i don’t think so, but we couldn’t remember. then as we were walking back to the parking lot thing i realized there was no way they showed us the whole movie because they didn’t show the concert where Lestat sings ‘slept so long’. so we find my car and someone had parked so close next to it that i couldn’t get in. so i got in on the passenger side and crawled over, and was going to pull out so danielle and adrienne could get in. so i start pulling out and i scrape the entire length of my car against the one next to me. i realized i was doing it, but kept going anyway. so i got out of the space, and got out of the car to see how badly my car was messed up. and it was pretty bad, so i didn’t know what i was going to tell my parents.
then last night, had another dream about my car. something about being at the summit mall, and when i left the mall i was wearing the new black dress my mom bought for me, and i was so tired i could barely stand so i kept falling, and trying to crawl to the car so i could get home. this guy was there and was trying to help me, but i think it had snowed and was slippery. so we got to my car and he got in with me even tho i didn’t know who he was. we had to go to buffalo, so we leave and almost gett hit by a train because it was dark so you couldn’t see the train crossing the road, and the barrier things were broken and didn’t go down. so we were waiting for the train to go by and it seemed to have ended, but it was really just more cars at the end that didn’t have boxes on them, so they were flat bed cars, and we could barely see them in the dark. so i guess we finally saw that the train had finished, and we’re going to buffalo and there is all this construction, and the road narrows to the point that no car can fit in it, and the road turns into 2 steel bars, like a roller coaster track, but it’s not…it’s a road, with these steel bars on the side, and not enough room for the car unless u drive your car sideways on it. it’s hard to explain.
posted by sara @ 12:59 PM//

April 26, 2002

something about a song from phantom of the opera playing, and not realizing what it was until danielle said “oh it’s from phantom”….then a whole bunch about trent reznor, including a new tv interview with him and he was smoking. so i thought, hmm that’s weird i’ve never heard anything about him being a smoker before, but whatever, i can deal with it.
then woke up from the power going off, and the generator turning on.
posted by sara @ 12:38 PM//

April 17, 2002

i was at my house. some guy showed up and my mom let him in because he was traveling and needed a place to stay. i guess we ran a boarding house, but it was our normal house. so he went into the guest room where he was staying. he came in and talked to me, but neither one of us had anything to say. he was sorta hot. so then it was night time and everyone went to sleep. for some reason i got up, and went downstairs. there was a man and 2 children running around in my back yard with 2 pug dogs. then they came in the house. and then the chinese-indian mother came in. so i start screaming “get the fuck out of my house” over and over at them, trying to get them out. they were all like, super confused, and trying to make me let them stay. they were homeless or something, so they’d go in people’s houses at night. but i was like “no, get the fuck out of my house”. i was screaming, and didn’t know why no one else was waking up. so i finally got them out of the house. i went back upstairs and there was a table and chairs set up at the top of the stairs and my mom was sitting at the table. so i went over and told her about the people in the house, and how that explained how when we wake up in the morning things are displaced etc. but she didn’t seem to care. then the boarding guy came out of his room to use the bathroom, and was stumbling around. looked into my parents room, then opened the closet door. then i pointed at the bathroom and he was like thanks. so he went in, and i was still talking to my mom about the people in the house. then he came out and went into my parents room, stood on the bed and started taking his clothes off. he was talking to us, so we looked into the room and saw him taking his pants off. we were like ?!?!?! but talked back to him. so we carryed on a conversation with him, as he took his clothes off, and me and my mom were trying not to look over at him and see him naked. then i guess i was watching tv and the chinese-indian mother was on tv talking to the reporter about how they were kicked out of my house that night, and this sob story about something. not sure what she was saying anymore.
posted by sara @ 6:57 PM//

April 13, 2002

1. don’t know what i was doing but i was in my car. it died. so i got out of my car and went through some people’s yards to get to the next street over where i guess i was supposed to be going. but i wasn’t supposed to be at this person’s house because i was sneaking around so they wouldn’t see me. it was brooke’s house. i grabbed a couch cushion and a pillow and made my way out of their house. then i don’t know where i was but i fell into a fountain. so then i was all wet and carrying the pillow. then i realized i was on the set of the west wing. so i was trying to sneak around the set trying not to be in the shot and ruin what they were doing. then i ran back, through the set again, towards the fountain. then dr mounts was there and he fell into the fountain, so now he was all wet. so he got out, and i pushed him in again. then he got out and someone else pushed him in.
2. i was at some big fancy rich lady’s house. she was evil or something, because i was tapping on statues to see if they’d come alive because apparently she had some power to turn people into statues. and i was playing the sims but i was also IN the sims game. then was back at the rick lady’s house because there was a huge party. i was trying to find the gift my mom wrapped up for her in the big pile of gifts. my mom had mentioned something to me about it. so i found it and started to unwrap it so i could wrap it back up after i saw what it was. it was a gold chain with gold rings on it. apparently they were rings from dead fireman. and it was appropriate because the woman’s husband, or deceased husband had been a fireman. then my dad started walking towards where i was to see if i wanted to go pick up other family members, so i was trying to stuff the necklace and the cotton padding back into this little box and wrap it up before anyone saw what i was doing. i told him i didn’t want to go, which was weird, because at every other family function i’d gladly leave the house to pick up people or run to the store.

3. i was at an econoline crush concert. it was in like, a basement of someone’s house. they did the beginning of the set, which was supposedly only stuff from Purge. i was hanging around the back of the room, by a table. there was a notebook where i had drawn the word Peaches, and doodled around it. apparently it was a name of some band i liked. this girl asked me if peaches was one of the last bands i like. i was like no way i like, like 50 bands, just 3 that i like a real lot. then EC went on intermission, and i went outside to near where the bus was. they had taken out all their towels and pillows and folded them on the ground. so i was going through them, don’t know why, and i grabbed some pillows to take back inside so i could be comfortable laying on the ground watching the concert. so i went back inside, and trevor was walking around. ziggy was on stage playing drums, and another guy who was a new guy in the band was playing guitar. they were actually playing a song, and someone was singing but it wasn’t trevor. or he was a ventriliquist. then people started coming back in so i moved to the front. adr showed up and i was like, they got a new guy to replace dan. but then we realized the only 2 original memebers there were trevor and ziggy. but we couldn’t remember who was missing. finally we realized that johnny wasn’t there, and that’s why ziggy was playing drums. he had all kinds of weird gadgets on the drums to make them sound different, and he didn’t actually have real drums. it was just this electronic platform thing that looked like a keyboard that he’d hit with drumsticks.

note: i remembered more of the dr mounts fountain dream before. i went through it at least 2 other times in my dreams while i was sleeping. and what’s with multiple dreams involving pillows?
posted by sara @ 10:02 AM//

April 11, 2002

very strange. the story of the dream was as if i was writing it. i was an author and this was the story i was writing. it was like i was narrating it, omnicient narrator, so i knew what they were all thinking.
there was a girl who worked as a waitress in a diner. it wasn’t like hooters or anything, but her waitress outfit was a really short skirt, and little middriff shirt. she was a really pretty girl, and all the men who came to the diner would grab her, and made rude comments etc. so she hated men, because all they did was treat her like a sex object and take advantage of her. so there was a guy there who observed the way she was treated, and wanted to get to know her but knew she would be suspicious of his actions etc. so i guess he asked her to go someplace with him. she went even tho she was wary, and she figured that he would end up taking advantage of her. because of this, the guy tried to act completely un-sexual towards her. he didn’t touch her, he didn’t make any comments about her. he just wanted to be really nice to her and show her all men weren’t like that, in hopes that they could have some kind of relationship. so they were at the beach. it wasn’t a real beach, but just a small patch of land where a lake or some body of water came ashore. they stood there and talked and the waves came on over the sand. then he left. she felt really good about the whole thing, that he wasn’t like every other guy etc. (*here is the weird part*) there was a house besides the water. it was a shoe. a big boot. and people lived in it. but it wasn’t attached to the ground. it floated and moved according to the waves. the waves had to turn the boot house a certain way for the door to be exposed and the people could get out to go shopping or whatever. so the girl stood there watching the boot house get tossed around in the water. then she was at her house. i think she was kinda poor. not poor, but lower class. she lived with an extended family. don’t know what happened at this part, but she was very happy at how well it had gone with the guy. how he hadn’t hugged her or tried to take advantage of her. then he went to her house. she was sitting in the bathroom on the tub. i guess it was the only place other family members weren’t. she had frosting on her hands. he came in to talk to her, and sat on the floor in front of her. she put frosting onto his thumb. he decided he was going to make a motion towards her to let her know that he really liked her, without making her feel like she was being taken advantage of. so instead of licking the frosting off his thumb, or wiping it off, he moved his hand towards her for her to kiss the frosting off. nothing super sexual, just really cute (it wasn’t alot of frosting to be wiped off). and they were really happy.

notes: directly based on conversations about the objectification of women, and the media portraying women as sex objects. no clue about the boot house.
posted by sara @ 4:41 PM//

April 6, 2002

danielle and i finally went to the continental (goth bar in buffalo). i had called melinda and we made plans to go. so i got all ready and was waiting for the time to go pick melinda up. then she called and wanted me to go to some other place to get her. i didn’t know where it was but then i realized it was by danielles house, on styx road (lol). then she wanted me to take her to some other place i had no clue where it was. so i was like fine whatever. so i kept waiting and was getting irritated cuz we weren’t going to have a long time to spend at the bar. then i realized melinda wanted me to take her to her drug dealers house. then we ended up at the continental. it was me, melinda, danielle, adrienne and some boy. and the continental was huge. it was like a restaurant almost, and just gigantic. so we sat at this round table that still had 2 plates of food on it from the last people who were there. well danielle and adrienne started eating the frenchfries off of them. then someone came and took our drink orders. danielle got a “perrier and fuck you”…which apparently was perrier and some citrius liquer that’s named “fuck you”. and i got my normal cran vodka. well i was sitting in a seat with my back to the door, so i was like no i’m going to sit over there across the table, next to the boy, so i can see hot goth boys as they walk in. then later emily showed up. she had really short hair and had gained weight. so i talked to her but she was really rude to me, like she didn’t have time to talk to me cuz she had all her goth friends there. so i went and sat back down at our table, and then joe was there.
that dream sorta morphed into this one. something about my proff dr allen. but it wasnt dr allen, it actually was dana carvey. my parents were taking me back to school and i was in the backseat thinking about how much dr allen reminds me of dana carvey, and how by the time i leave i’m going to make him say something from SNL or Wayne’s World. so i started laughing, and my mom was like what?! so i told her i’m going to make him say something for me before i leave school. then i realized he really was dana carvey.

i was having a party at my house. i don’t think it started out as a party, but it turned into one. and since it wasn’t supposed to be a party, we didn’t go buy alcohol. we just were drinking my parents. and my parents were still there. so i was sorta paranoid about them seeing us drink. then this girl from high school, michelle, who actually moved in 10th grade showed up. she’s like “social”? and i’m like “what?”…she goes “social?” and points to the alcohol in the alcohol rack. and i’m like ooooh, social! she wanted to do a shot. so i found the 2 shot glasses we had and washed them, then spent 20 minutes trying to find other shot glasses so we could all do a shot. but then there was no alcohol that she liked.

notes: i’m sure adrienne would never go to the continental again lol.
posted by sara @ 11:46 AM//

April 5, 2002

lots of wack dreams, of course, dont remember most of them now
1. i was sitting in the townhouse living room. looked nothing like our actual house. we had all just returned from break. then door opened, and it was katie. she had come back to live in the townhouse. well since she hates me, i just sat there and ignored her. she was with a bunch of people from her family and they were making lots of noise. then she came up to me, right in front of me and was like HI! all excited. so i looked at her and was like hi. so the people left, and she was there, and she was standing by me. i was really confused about the whole thing – why she was there, why she was talking to me etc… so i was like, um ok are we cool now? she’s like, yeah we’re cool. i was like good. so she went to move her stuff back in, and later when i went upstairs (looked nothing like our actual upstairs) she had moved all her stuff into my room. so i was like um.. she was like “oh i liked your room better, so i’m living in there now” and she had moved all my stuff into the next room over….my bed, my posters were all rehung etc. i’m like um ok. so then leah came home, and dunno where katie had gone to. but i was like, guess what, katie is moving back in. leah was like what?! and i’m like, yeah she moved into my room and now all my stuff is in there. leah was really confused too. now i was just pissed off, and i was like… i don’t care what is going on, and i can pretend to be her friend, but i definitely do not like her and i never will again after what happened.

2. don’t remember much of this one at all anymore. i had this boyfriend. he was a cross between Ian and Nick Clark. there was something about taking film to get 1 hour developed, before he had to leave for someplace. then we were driving in an SUV, and there were all kinds of power lines around… the towers, and the actual wires. it was weird driving around them because they kept making optical illusions so u didn’t know where you were or if you were going to hit any of them. then there was something about this road under construction, it was all dirt, and there were all kinds of uneven levels that made it almost like a mountain. and people were bike riding on it, and the one person kept falling off one of the levels to the lower one but didn’t know why…that’s about all i remember.

3. i was in an ambulance…i was driving it. i don’t know where we were going, or why, but we were somewhere. there was this white trash guy who was drunk, and he had feathered hair/mullet. john goodman was the doctor of the ambulance, and there was some other guy who worked on the ambulance. so we got to the guy, and i don’t really know what happened next, but he was on the stretcher, and he was all tied down. actually, i don’t know why i worked on the ambulance, i think they might have just grabbed me and told me to drive it cuz no one else who was around could, and they had to deal with the guy. because i totally didn’t know what i was doing. so they tie the guy to the stretcher, i think he had a pink shirt on. then his wrists started bleeding, the guy had sliced them open (dunno when, some point he did)…and i think he had cut his neck too. so i put my seat belt on, but i didn’t know how it connected so it wasn’t on right, and i drove to the hospital while john goodman tried to take care of the guy. the whole time this guy was passed out. so we get to the hospital and john tells me to take the guy into the ER. so i start to take the stretcher thing into ER and they’re like no not that way, u gotta go in this other door and to the 3rd floor. i was like ?!?!? cuz it made no sense. and john and the other guy weren’t helping me at all, it was like they were on a break and were just standing there talking. so i was all confused, and i get to the 3rd floor and it’s the psych ward of the hospital. i was still confused as to why they didn’t just take the guy to the ER first, and THEN the psych ward for being suicidal. but there was a nurse there who started talking to him, because now he was concious.

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clinical was weird again, cuz everyone was uncomfortable after the lil outburst from the proff last class. you could tell he was all uncomfy, and i know i was. cuz i always feel guilty as if i’m the one who spurred his annoyance, even tho i wasn’t. so we got our tests back and senior surveys. so i filled out the scantron part and now i have to write a lil thing about what i liked best and least about geneseo. don’t worry i’ll be nice. 🙂 got 58/60 on the test as i already knew the day i took it. too bad he won’t tell me to just skip the exam. just don’t want to have to waste my time taking it when i’m going to get an A no matter what.

anyway. i defrosted this little steak thing i brought back after break. no idea how to cook it. mom told me, but that was months ago, and i’ve forgotten what she said so i’m going to have to call her or something. but i figured i better start using up the frozen food. i have chicken strips left. wish i had a deep fryer tho, because they’re icky in the oven…one side is always kinda mushy instead of crispy. oh well.

so tired. dunno if i’m gonna nap or not. i need to do laundry tomorrow. and since i didn’t really do my reading this weekend, need to catch up on that still.

 

this is why i don’t cook….
attempted the whole steak thing. carolyn told me some stuff to do. so i did what she said, and i started to cook it. cooked 1 side on medium for 5 min, 2nd side on medium for 5 min… it’s sorta smoking like when i set the fire alarm off (but not as bad)…so i cut it open, yeah still completely alive. meanwhile both sides are nice and dark crispy…so keep cooking it, cook my easy mac cuz i have nothing else for a side. mom calls back about my message on how to cook the steak. tell her that i’ve cooked it for 10 min and it’s still alive. so she says put oil in the pan, cover it with the lid and turn down a few so it doesn’t smoke, it’ll cook the inside. do that, 10 min later STILL ALIVE! not AS alive, but still bleeding and alive. so i cut it in half put the 2 halfs face down, cook some more. then i said screw it. and i stopped. i ate it. it was still pink. i HATE pink meat. but it wasn’t bleeding so i guess that was a plus. but it didn’t even taste all that good even tho i spiced it, AND i’m still hungry. screw cooking.

 

 

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right. fuck detroit.

highlighted danielle’s hair tonight. not sure how it turned out yet. just rinsed it out, she’s taking a shower and i’m going to bed. but i could tell there were some (alot) of dark spots left. we’ll see how it looks in the morning to see if we need to go dye it some other color tomorrow. and tomorrow is my turn. at least we know how it’s going to turn out – red. if danielle’s hair looks bad it’s not my fault. seriously. i did what i was supposed to, she only wanted to leave it in for 15 min instead of 20…cuz it was 12 lol. and i put in as much as i could, u can’t exactly slop on the bleach stuff on tiny little chunks of hair. so dunno…whatever. i’m sure it’ll be fine.

 

so my hair is now back to my “normal” dark red. lol. we didnt make a mess, and didn’t stain the bathtub so it’s all good.

should really do work today since i did zero yesterday. we’ll see haha

 

2 years ago today was the NIN toronto show. blah that was so long ago!! i burned myself a cd with the NIN acoustic set from chicago (which i just realized was recorded the day before the toronto show) and the APC acoustic set from Philly. i hadn’t listened to the APC one since…well since i dled them last year lol. i forgot how great they were, and how much they morphed the songs and stuff. great. so anyway…2 years since the NIN show (almost 3 since the fragile release). and there has been 2 nin releases (things falling apart – or is it things fall apart – and the live stuff)…we (nin fans) bitch about how long it takes to get new stuff from trent etc…but 3 releases in 3 years…that’s pretty damn good for him LOL. we should all stop bitching, cuz it’s not like between downward and the fragile – 5 years. of course, a release that requires a tour would be nice 🙂

 

i was just reading through some of my dreams, skimming them, to find the one where david bowie was my personal oracle and lived in my basement… but i realized i’ve had an awful lot of dreams about marilyn manson…and at least 4 where i was dating him. hmm..that’s weird. i’ve had more dreams about him than about any of the bands i actually really like (except maybe u2, i’ve had alot of u2 dreams)

and apparently my email was completely broken last night. because i didn’t get any email from yesterday afternoon until…now. and i’m getting all kinds of stuff that was sent yesterday…including one from MJNI which says….. MJ is playing MGM Grand hotel with Sigfried and Roy (or not with them maybe) in Vegas….. IN JUNE!!!! ARRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY COULDN’T HE PLAY THERE LAST WEEK IN MAY?!!!!!!!?!?!?!!!!!!!?!?!?????!?! arg arg arg!

 

so we’re under a tornado watch. i figure i got my life long dream of the earthquake, up next…tornado. so i asked fishy if she dreamed about any lately, and she said no. but she’s better than the weather channel at predicting tornados, so she told me all the good signs…like hail…suddenly gets warm…gets real calm…and if you hear a train whistle moan type noise, good to go for a tornado. so here’s hoping 🙂 it’s a funny color outside again, but our windows are slightly tinted too and now the rain is hitting my window so i can’t open it anymore to find out the real color. COME ON START HAILING!

 

the last episode of season to of Fear was on tonight. a whole 6 episodes :P…nothing will ever EVER beat the first 2 episodes of this season, so now i’m kinda jaded…it was freaky when they did the seance and the monkey boy cage started moving, and when the kid was locked inside it and it started moving. but besides that it was do-able. so in recap of the season. first 2 episodes with the nuale was freaking insane. besides that, the balls moving around the floor in the childrens room last week was pretty freaky. the rest were more or less do-able. i hate the ones where they have to be locked in rooms overnight and stuff. i think the only time they had to do that last season was in eastern state pennitentary, but i don’t know. it would suck, i know that much lol.

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next time nin tours, and they come to buffalo, they need to do an edge session. and some how i need to get in. too bad joe lost his connection at the station. (like this would happen anyway :P)

 

ended up going to eastview mall last night, had dinner at jack astors, and then went to rit to a going away party for one of mary’s roommates, who we don’t really know LOL. it was cool. i was exhausted, so we left like losers at like 11:30. tried not to passout on the drive home. didn’t get anything at the mall, and didn’t get to try slut clothing on because the slut store has all that trendy ruffly shit now, instead of whore outfits. blah. i hate that ruffly stuff. it reminds me of the Pirate shirt from Seinfeld. we went into Guess, god they have great stuff. they had beautiful real leather pants for 125$…which i thought was pretty damn good price for 1. Guess and 2. Real leather. it was the softest leather ever. some day….

so i want to go back to bed. woke up around 9:30 and had a headache from sleeping too long (even tho i didn’t sleep any longer than i do on school days). got up took drugs, went back to bed. was hungry, so got up 5 minutes later, had yogurt so that the drugs wouldn’t eat through my stomach lining, went back to bed. got up 2 minutes later and said screw it, i’ll just nap later or something. i guess i should catch up on my reading this weekend, but i really want to redesign 🙂 maybe i’ll redesign the domain page. but i really like that one….hrmpf

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blaaaaaaaah. woke up at quarter after 4 because of some loud slamming noise like a door. for some reason was compelled to open my eyes and saw that the power had gone off, so the clocks were flashing. then it seemed like the heater wasn’t turning off, and i was sweating to death. so i got all paranoid that something was wrong in the house, and it was gonna start on fire etc. still don’t know what the slamming noise was. eventually got back to sleep. then was paranoid that no one in the house was going to wake up, and everyone was gonna miss classes cuz of their clocks having gone off, except for me – but i’m the last one that wakes up. so i was going to try to make sure i could hear everyone up and awake, or i would go wake them up. but they all got up so that was ok. but blah, tired.

lisa “left eye” lopes died. in a car crash. too many people dying lately.

 

well apparently the entire campus lost power last night. and the banging noise was the generator turning on. everyone is talking about waking up to their clocks blinking and almost being late for class. and i’m pretty sure generators are still powering south hall, cuz something was running that doesn’t usually run, and it was so loud when i was walking by. dunno. i’m sure we’ll get email about it or something.

oh, apparently power went off in the entire town. because research sara lives off campus, and woke up 5 min before our meeting because her alarm didn’t go off. weird.

 

school shooting in germany. kids really need to be taught other ways of dealing with anger and frustration than to go in and kill people.

 

clinical was weird today. i was freezing. then it’s getting towards the end of class and proff is talking, and suddenly started talking about how he must be talking in a foreign tongue because it’s getting harder and harder to teach when he has to look at our faces and see such disinterest, and if we don’t want to be there, wish we were someplace else, to just talk to him and we won’t meet anymore cuz he has other stuff he could be doing. i was like WOAH where’d that come from. i guess since i didn’t know where it came from i must not have been paying attention, but i was freezing and just trying not to go into hypothermia. then there was a signup sheet for extra credit research going around by the time it got to me (which it never really did, had to look at it after class) all the spots i could have gone were filled. good thing i don’t need extra credit in that class 😛

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lol i got email from MJNI a few days ago saying that MJ was going to be performing at a Democratic Party fund raiser in Harlem. I laughed. I guess it was last night, because this picture showed up on yahoo.

THAT’S DAVE NAVARRO PLAYING WITH HIM!!!!! Screw slash, he’s got navarro now!
and apparently MJNI’s site is being tampered with ever since they launched this “Support Invinicible” campaign thing…lol

there’s a whole bunch more pictures from the night. one says “Pop singer Michael Jackson sings “Feed the World” as actors portraying a Jew (R) and a Palestinian shake hands in backround at “A Night At The Apollo”… WHAT THE HELL IS “FEED THE WORLD”!?!?!?! it’s HEAL the world. LOL…and they keep naming Navarro as “unidentified guitarist” HELLO WHY DONT YOU ASK SOMEONE WHO IT IS! HE DOES HAVE A NAME!… rofl, feed the world.

 

mom and missy came, took me to lunch. mom got me 2 black skirts and a black dress for vegas/new orleans. made me try them on, and then everyone is like “ooh u should wear skirts/dresses more often, i dunno why you refuse, you have such a good body” blah. shut up. thanks.

took a nap in the afternoon. set my alarm, incase i fell asleep which i wasn’t really anticipating. well good thing lol. it went off at 4:30 so i could get up to do research and i was so competely disoriented it was unreal. did the research thing again. ppl are so stupid. no one ever listens. and 2 ppl we had to make stop because they hadn’t finished and it was time for the next session. one girl was asian, one of the international students who didn’t know english really well, so of course, she was slow. she asked me what some words meant 3 times. no problem, totally understand. oh, and she also came 20 minutes late. then this other girl, she came about 15 minutes late. and she was no farther than the girl who didn’t even know english, and came after her?!?! what the hell is that about?! and so then in the 2nd session, this super white trash girl came with her white trash boyfriend. her boyfriend was just there waiting for her, and when beth and i left, he was laying spralled out dead on the top step of the room, snoring. we were like omg! lol

finally got around to updating webpages…the 2 cliques, the beauty shop page so that eventually she can approve, and i can get paid, cyndi’s site…and i want to redesign delirious again *hides* i’m sorry lol. i do really like this layout. but those brad pictures are calling to me hehehe. we’ll see. and i joined a bunch of cliques too.. er 3 more. actually 4, but waiting for the code to that one.

danielle wants to go to the mall this weekend. and i hate marketplace so i need to find directions to eastview again (or eric can read this and give them to me hehe). since i did my paper last night, i don’t really have anything to do now until exam week (starts the 13th).

the entire roof of my mouth hurts. feels like i burned it, but i don’t remember my lunch being all that hot. and my mom thinks i have mono again too. so if i don’t feel better and if i’m not dying of exhaustion by monday, going to health center.

and now i think i’ll move my entire address book to my new email address. everyone needs to stop asking me for it, cuz i don’t know if i’m going to use it. i want a pop email account, i don’t want to use hotmail, but i don’t want to keep changing it every 2 months if i move, or whatever and get a new internet provider. i created an adelphia.net account, have never told anyone about it and already get tons of spam, so i’m trying to avoid using them. apparently my host claims i have pop email ability, but i can’t figure out how to use it so…the plan i have claims 50 pop accounts…but i think they lie. they don’t give any info about how to set them up, i have only been able to set up email addys with redirects. and if i dont do a redirect i don’t know how to check it. so like yeah…help. they’re FAQ sucks, gives no info AT all.

 

hate vancouver. i’m starving, but do i really want easy mac for a snack for the 3rd night in a row?

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i think i used my snooze bar for the first time in my life today. woke up “another one bites the dust” was playing…listened to it but didn’t get up. then “black or white” came on and i hit snooze LOL. i’m going to pass out i’m so tired, and i don’t know why because i think i’ve pretty much caught up on sleep from missing it on saturday, and i’ve been sleeping good too.

but then i almost puked on my desk from this disgusting yogurt. it’s strawberry, fat free, aspartame… whoever says you can’t taste aspartame is full of shit. it’s revolting. and then of course there are fruit chunks in it, and they make me gag every time. that’s why i don’t eat fruit yogurt. so i gagged bigtime. i ate most of it, but i’m already hungry. and about to drop dead from tiredness.

 

oh yeah… goddamnit vancouver, what the hell is wrong with you?! win damnit!

ok i really think i have mono again. because there is no reason for me to be this tired all the time. i wonder if you get it a 2nd time, if you skip the other symptoms… like the sore throat and stuff. maybe i should go to the health center, since i don’t have health insurance. right, so i knew i wouldn’t have health insurance anymore when i graduate….but westinghouse (dad’s old job) screwed up and canceled our health insurance, and the new job’s insurance doesn’t start for 2 months. so now none of us have it, and even when they get it, i won’t. so i can’t go to the doctor anymore. i guess i should take advantage of the health center since it’s paid for with student fees.

i’ve realized i’m really quite Freudian in my psychological interpretations of things. not so much dealing with the whole psycho-sexual, oedipus complex stuff…but in the role of the unconscious, and latent/manifest dream content stuff etc…cuz i always say that people’s internet profiles say alot about them. there is this one that had been bugging me for a while cuz i couldn’t really get it, but finally i did. and i think i’m brilliant *ego moment* hehe. i just figure that there is a reason people are attracted to certain lyrics/quotes/whatever, even if they don’t know why. and i figure out why 🙂 i’m not quite sure of why i pick the things i do sometimes. i mean, sometimes i know, and sometimes it’s intentional, but other times it’s just that things strike a chord with me for some reason…

 

as if i didn’t already know i was going to get cancer… then i read this headline “Study finds cancer risk increased by substance found in bread, french fries”….yeah i’m screwed. oh yeah so screwed. article says breads, biscuits, french fries and potato chips…THAT’S MY ENTIRE DIET! lol. it says when carb-rich foods are heated, they form some chemical that is a carcinogen. great. well…i think of it as, everything on earth is a carcinogen…because practically everything is. and i’m already going to get skin cancer, so might as well keep eating the only foods i like. *eats another potato chip*

 

1. i destroyed all my fingernails today
2. i think everyone on earth – EVERYONE – would benefit from therapy
3. current favourite song “gave up” – nin…which is odd cuz i was never a huge fan of the song. it was the song from broken that i thought should be replaced by “last” during the show. but now it’s like “yes let’s listen to it on repeat”….i just currently adore all the songs from broken. maybe i should put that cd in…yah. sounds like a good idea. i wish my broken case wasn’t all…broken. haha sorry.
4. everyone in my clinical class is in agreement that there is no way we can avoid plagerizing the textbook in our papers that are due friday.
5. my email is broken. i should start switching everything to my new address.

 

yeah something is definitely wrong with me. i’m about to pass out from exhaustion. and i don’t even do anything!! yeah this week has been pretty busy, trying to run research, write up results for it, and do my paper as well as my other school work… it’s probably the busiest week of the whole semseter. but i don’t ever pull all nighters, or anything like that, so i don’t understand why i am THIS tired. but i can barely hold myself in a sitting position at the moment.

meanwhile my paper is going ok. i was on a role and wrote like 2.5 pages but then started slacking off. it sucks tho. it seems so elementary. and i’m trying not to plagerize from the textbook, so i’m putting citations after practically every sentence. lol. it sounds like i’m talking to a 2 year old in my paper tho. i talked to research girl sara who took this class last semester, and said she didn’t even think he read them. which wouldn’t surprise me. he has to make us do a paper cuz he’s head of the department…but you can already tell he doesn’t care, because he’s having us write about a chapter in the book as opposed to doing a lit review, which every other 300 level psych class makes you do. haha. basic consensus is that you could write him a story and he’d give you an A. so i’m not worried about it. that reminds me of this teacher we had in high school. actually there was more than one. i think they were all social studies teachers…but anyway. they were older, and near retirement and i guess they just didn’t care, because we all thought that they didn’t actually read our exam essays…just gave us full credit. so someone decided to try it out, and in the middle of his essay wrote out the pledge of alegance, then finished his essay….not a single comment, full credit. LOL.

 

paper is done. it’s crap. oh well. will read it over again tomorrow and print it out. i should probably do other homework now. but i have all day tomorrow 🙂 mom and missy are coming for lunch and now i don’t need to rush them out, since i don’t have to spend the day on the paper.

 

 

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k well….hmm. i feel slightly better primarily due to the passage of time. i’m trying to ignore everything, but it’s still nagging in the back of my mind and every now and then comes back up and bugs me. but really trying not to think of it. apparently my blog posts had some people concerned, so they talked to me. thanks for caring. i’ll be ok. but i think it’s safe to say i’m totally not trusting of anyone at the moment (ok i lie, 2 ppl that know what’s going on i can still trust). but anyway…

never got around to doing the outline for my paper last night. spent time talking to some people online, and then talking to danielle about shit, and went to be at 11 again. i was still so exhausted from not sleeping saturday night/sunday morning. i think i’m back to my normal tiredness now. but last night i was really bad, felt like passing out, eyes wouldn’t focus on anything, was pissed off at everyone. and i slept pretty damn good. was barely woken up by everyone in my house, was able to go back to sleep even when i was.

so tonight i have to go give out the survey thing for like 3 hours. dr allen said that i could take it for the extra credit in adolescence, since he hadn’t told us what it was about yet. so i’m going to take it one of the sessions tonight, instead of having to outline the review sheet for the final (which who knows, I might end up doing anyway so i can possibly maybe get 100 on it).

i guess now i’ll do the outline. and maybe read poli sci at the research session tonight, and try my hardest to get most of the paper written tomorrow afternoon/night. it’s not a hard paper, or a long one. it’s just getting motivated to do it that’s the problem. anyone wanna find me websites about forensic psychology!?!?

and oh yeah. new osbournes on tonight at 10:30, and Vanilla Ice is playing in Ithica on the 2nd. which if i went would be another 3 day concert binge, since 2 tea party shows are after it. but i’m not going to go because that’d be alot of driving for bands i’m not huge about. bad enough i gotta drive home and back in one day, and then rochester and back. can’t afford the gas. supposedly as far as i know, after tea in rochester we were gonna head back to RIT to drink in honor of danielle’s birthday even tho she won’t be there. at least that’s what joe and jon were planning on doing, who knows what the RIT ppl actually think LOL. either way, all i know is i’m so not drinking. i think it might get me into trouble, so i’ll stay sober, and not have to stay overnight and all that happy horse shit.

 

did the research thing. i hate that people don’t follow instructions. blah. but whatever. had a chance to go to the campus store and spent 14$…on doritos, salt n vinegar chips, pringles, and easy mac. the easy mac was 6 friggen dollars!! good thing i have my meal plan to pay with, since i need to waste that money away. but can you say price mark up?!?

so i guess for the rest of the night i can finish my outline of my paper, so i can hopefully write it tomorrow. have to spend a chunk of time tomorrow writing up the results for last semesters research though. blah. hopefully maybe we’ll also come to a plan about new orleans and what we’re doing for hotel and stuff.

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i really need to stop feeling so fucked up. arg.

froze to death last night, slept with my hoodie sweatshirt on. turned the heat up before i went to bed, then watched some nin dvd to make me feel better, and was too hot, so went and turned it down again, froze. and the heat smells like burning again really badly. we thought something was on fire while watching fear cuz the smell was so strong.

 

Sony music officially ended the promotion of MJ’s Invincible after only 6 months. So now 3 fan clubs are starting a promotion thing, to try to get Sony to change their mind. if you want to know more, visit MJNI.com.

that is super screwed up. sony promoted HIStory for 2 friggen years. and while the promotion for that was royally screwed up as well, they at least sorta tried. apparently MJ is leaving sony. he’s got 1 more album with them, and the email from MJNI said there’s a greatest hits cd with a few new songs on it to be released end of 2002 or early 2003, that’ll be his last sony album. don’t really get that, since HIStory had the greatest hits cd in it, AND they just released only disc 1 of HIStory as a single greatest hits cd. so why release ANOTHER greatest hits? besides just to get MJ out of sony. i guess he’ll be joining Mariah as being label-less…he should go sign with bowie. lol. the music business sucks.

meanwhile i feel like i’m dying. i hurt all over, besides being all messedup with what i should do about shit. my arms, shoulders, legs, everything hurts. i just wanna crawl back in bed. and the weather is shitty.

 

left all 3 classes early today. 2 were dismissed 10 min early, comp art i just left. we had work time for our newsletters but i felt like shit and didn’t want to be there anymore. so yeah, left. now i have to go to a meeting in a half hour, and spent the last 45 min talking to danielle about shit. so i sorta feel better about all the stuff i was dealing with, and the part that is still all messed up i can do a pretty decent job ignoring. i mean, that’s really all i can do unless i wanna blow everyone out of their normal comfortable life. ok i’m being dramatic lol. but it would start shit, so i’ll just stay quiet.

physically i still feel like shit. i don’t know why but i hurt all over. i took some pain killers but didn’t really work. the only part of me that doesn’t hurt, oddly enough, is my head. i’m starving. don’t know what to make for dinner since i still feel all gaggy. but i feel better, cuz most of that was psychosomatic lol.

so my agenda for tonight is go to my meeting, dinner, outline my paper so i can write most of it tomorrow. what are the odds of that happening?

 

wow i feel horrible again. won’t be able to get any work done til shit gets straightened out. perfect.

please no more drama!!!!! i can’t handle it!!!!

 

blah. i think a lot of people under estimate me and under estimate what i’m capable of doing. probably because i’m sorta quiet, and don’t really talk about things that i’m thinking/feeling. and i dumb myself down in front of people who don’t know as much, or in classes when we’re doing group work as to not offend someone by telling them they’re wrong. that’s the main thing. i don’t want to offend anyone. i try so hard not to (and end up doing it anyway). and hardly anyone tries to really find out what i’m thinking/feeling about a certain thing. or if they want to know, they go about it in such an indirect way that it pisses me off to the point that i refuse to mention it. i guess it’s my own fault that i appear to be so unapproachable. but whatever. if you want to know something, just ask me.

a few random lines from things popped into my head.
– don’t fuck with us
– nothing can stop me now
– put my faith in god and trust in you, now there’s nothing more fucked up i could do
– smash up my sanity

thanks.

 

me and danielle were playing a game, top 5 song lyrics at the moment.

1. I know you tried to rescue me, Didn’t let anyone get in, Left with a trace of all that was, And all that could have been – nin “and all that could have been”
2. You would know. Wouldn’t you? You extend your hand to those who suffer, To those who know what it really feels like, To those who have had a taste, Like that means something – nin “i do not want this”
3. Well, okay, enough, You’ve had your fun But come on there has got to be someone That hasn’t yet become So numb And succumb And God damn I am so tired of pretending Of wishing I was ending When all I’m really doing is trying to hide And keep it inside And fill it with lies Open my eyes? Maybe I wish I could try – nin “where is everybody?”
4. you’re such an inspiration for ways that i will never ever choose to be – a perfect circle “judith”
5. you’re slipping in and out of time who are you to decide which one of us winds up broken, for a lifetime. and still you’ll never be satisfied until one of us falls apart, i had enough of this – orgy “faces”
6. wake up why can’t you face me. come on and rise up, show me. some day i’ll see you’re vacant and maybe you’re better off that way. go ahead and play dead, i know you can hear me, why can’t you turn and face me, you fucking disappoint me – apc/tapeworm “vacant”

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hm…got to sleep at 6am, awake at 8am, slept sorta til 10. great.

don’t have anything i want to say. did the bowling thing etc….yeah. that’s it.

want to go back to school now, need to talk to danielle and joe, tell them i’m not staying here to watch fear. cuz that was the plan, but i’ve changed them. cuz i’m driving, and i can.

 

ok dude vh1 too hot for tv contdown…#14 nin videos… there was SO totally something they showed that i’ve never seen before. oh maybe it’s the burn video…haha happiness in slavery video. um… they said starfuckers video was 2 years after HIS…um…i might not be up on when Closure was released, if that’s what they’re counting but i’m pretty damn sure it was more than 2 years. yeah positive. get ur damn info right already. lol great trent interview clips…

i think it’s funny how mtv and vh1 do like the exact same shows but change it a bit. cuz now they’re showing the edited and unedited parts of the closer video side by side.. just like they did on mtvs controversial video show last week . reminds me, i was watching vh1 classic last night before i left the house, and they were doing a censorship marathon playing videos that supposedly caused controversy or something. some i understood, like they always think madonna’s “like a prayer” was so bad…but then bruce springsteen’s “born in the usa”?? didn’t get that…ok now vh1 said trent produced manson’s first 2 albums… um i could be VERY wrong about this but i thought only produced antichrist…hmmm.

 

it’s been concluded that i know too much information about too many people and it’s screwing with me, cuz i dunno how to handle it and i’m bad at confronting people etc etc etc. don’t know how to approach people, and just…shit. i think everyone should come clean about everything to everyone and be honest, and don’t fuck around with people’s heads and all that happy horse shit. so then i don’t have to deal with it *selfish and don’t care, i’m tired of it*

it’s not that i don’t want to know things about my friends, and their lives and shit….cuz i want to be involved, i don’t want people to stop telling me stuff cuz of this… it’s when it gets fucked up and super complicated and dramatic, that’s when i get tired of it, and wish ppl would just come clean. cuz i don’t like having to be stuck in the middle of shit that doesn’t involve me, because of the things i know. don’t like knowing stuff when i can’t bring it up and mention it cuz it’ll ruin everyones lives…or at least cause trouble. arg

 

*sigh* back at school.

“Metal Hammer magazine has reported that the long-awaited Tapeworm project has finally entered the studio to begin recording thier debut album.” YAY!!!! exciting. finally we can maybe hear “vacant” the way it’s intended to be sometime in the near future. however this means probably no new nin stuff for a while.

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