*grumble* i got a speeding ticket, 44 in a 30, on my way to the shrink. *grumble* the cop said i can go to driving school and have it reduced and get no points. so that’s good. gotta go to court on dec 14th now. didn’t need this fine though.
and all that could have been
so. i think me and tommy are caput. for real this time. i think he’s grown tired of me and my issues finally. haven’t seen him since before halloween, didn’t talk to him at all during my vacation. i called him on friday, and even after 10 days without talking to him we had nothing to say to eachother. he asked how the trip was, and i said, “i don’t know what to tell you since you don’t like the band.” and he was like “your right”. so. had nothing to say. and he doesn’t do anything but stay home and play xbox since he can’t drive, so he had nothing to say to me either. i didn’t feel like going over there, so i stayed home. he called saturday to go to lunch but i was at my parents getting my tires changed. and i haven’t heard from him since. i don’t know. maybe he’ll call tomorrow since it’s my day off. i don’t really care, cuz it’s not like i’m happy. and it’s not like it hasn’t been down hill since…july. and it’s not like we didn’t break up 3 times in august. it’s not like i approve of him starting to drink again, even if it is just socially. there are issues, and have been since the start. so i’m not upset. but i kinda don’t like this ending, if this is how it’s going to be – just him not calling me, and me not calling him. there’s no real resolution there. and also no try at being friends. when we kept breaking up a few months ago, we were going to be friends. it was a problem for him since he’s in love with me. i can’t be anything more than a friend to him, and i would like to do so. i don’t know. if we are just going to stop talking, i really have no one to hang out with anymore, and no friends. ah well. such is life. i’m actually sort of scared to talk to him about this, cuz i can envision him being really pissed off, and saying alot of hurtful things that he doesn’t really mean. and that right there is probably yet another reason that this should be over.
it was strange/funny…for some reason i was talking about him in toronto before the show, and how we have nothing in common and nothing to talk about, and that he doesn’t like music at all. vanessa, one of the french girls we met, just said “break up with him!!!” haha. it was funny, and appropriate. because really…i think i really need to be with someone who at least shares SOME common interest with me. i don’t have many things in my life that are important, but my music, and going to shows, and urbex…they are important to me. i realize i have strange interests at times, but there are people out there that i have more in common with. my relationship with him will never work. we are just not on the same level, don’t like the same things, and the things we do like just aren’t enough. so again. i don’t feel bad. i’d just like this to officially end different. on a high note let’s say.
that and i have relationship issues at the moment, and i don’t want to be with anyone. i don’t even want to think about being with someone. i’ve gotten a strange phobia about all this. i’m not going to go any more into it than that.
he probably thinks i cheated on him or something, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
you can say i’m lame, or cliche or whatever – but i really learned alot about what i want from life on the mini tour. almost always started thinking about it during “right where it belongs” because the visuals projected on the curtain during the song are basically everything i DON’T want out of my life. i don’t want the republican white picket fence of suburbia and 2.5 children, and a boring, repetitive, monotonous, perscription drug filled life. so maybe i do get married, and i do have kids, i still don’t want to become settled and boring. and i don’t want what i have now, but i realize i’m such a hypocrit, and that i’m completely scared to do anything to change my life. so there’s no need to point it out.
i don’t know. this went somewhere it wasn’t supposed to go. i’ll just stop now.
in other news. i’ve decided to give my u2 buffalo tickets to kate, incase for some reason i don’t come home from california. she can still go to the show, and sell my ticket. i figure i will be here for the show, but in the off chance that someone on the tour decides to give me passes to the kroq almost acoustic christmas in LA, i’m so totally going to it. fuck u2 i am going to see nin acoustic. of course, as i said, i doubt this will happen. gotta have a contingency plan though, just in case.
and i started plastic sealing up my windows. the one office window went well, the other i’ve done twice now and it won’t stick. stupid painted window sill. a friend at work mentioned that someone she knows who makes more than me got aid to pay for heating bills from the government, so she’s going to get me the info. it would be nice not to have to pay a 200$ gas bill by myself.
and i’m sick again. still in the “getting” sick stage, but definitely getting worse by the hour. i go to the shrink tomorrow. i feel like taking him nin lyrics and being like “this is me.” but i won’t. unless he asks me to. and i’m cutting my hair off on thursday.
seems like salvation comes only in our dreams
dream
i was really sick, and apparently in school because i went to the nurses office. but it was more like a mini hospital. i can’t remember how i felt or how i was sick, but they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. so eventually, the doctor decided to cut my chest open and look around inside. so she did, and they had me put my hand under my rib cage, while they did the same. and they found that there was nothing inside me. no stomach or liver or heart or anything. it was just empty. i thought, no wonder i feel so empty. so they sewed me back up again because they didn’t know what to do. obviously i shouldn’t be alive with no insides. so i just went home, and called who had just been visiting previous to me being sick. i was outside on the phone with him, on this big porch/gazebo part of the house. it was really beautiful, made of brick, with these huge staircases that led down from the porch onto the hill. we lived on the side of a mountain, and the gazebo overlooked the valley. it had a really great view. he was mad that i never showed him the porch/gazebo, but he understood that i didn’t want him to know everything about me yet.
from trent reznor:
I just woke up and I’m tired and…
———————————————
I’d just like to say thanks to you guys. I see a lot of you at a LOT of shows and it doesn’t go unnoticed. Touring can get a bit overwhelming with all the moving around and lack of time to yourself, etc. but looking out in the crowd and seeing familiar faces is a really cool feeling. Some of you have put an insane amount of effort into following us around – I hope it’s worth it!
Thank you.
thank you
the 14th show – toronto – up there with philly as the best arena show of this tour.
(and wow hey. I’m going to see them at calpoly in san luis obispo california. it’s a club show again. i figured the spiral presale tickets that went onsale yesterday would be gone by now, but nope. just got a ticket. ha i guess i have to go now. 300$ flight here I come. and the following day is u2 in buffalo.)
headed up to toronto around 8. was supposed to be 7, but somehow i didn’t get up until 7…oops. didn’t much matter, we were the 3rd group of ppl in line, there were about 7 of us total when we got there. amira met us later, and we were joined by vanessa and siobahn (sp?) the girls from france. luckily for us, we got to spend most of the day inside at the box office, before they gave us our tickets and shipped us out side for 45 min in the freezing cold. got in for soundcheck, which this time was “with teeth”!!!!, “the frail/the wretched”, “deep”, and “wish”. very cool that they’re working on getting “with teeth” back into the set. and again, really really friggen cool to see the sound check. unfortunately there was no meet and greet. kinda disappointed. oh well. sat around after, and when it was time to go on the floor got barrier between trent and aaron. not bad at all.
dfa1979 is from toronto so all their family was there for the show. same as always. i didn’t fall asleep which is good, since that’d be rude. and queens i tried to pay attention but i still hate them. the crowd was nuts. between queens and nin these 2 skin heads pushed up front, and no one besides me and adr2 apparently know how to hold our own up front. they pushed up and got to barrier as well. they were assholes, and adr2 got in a fight with one of them. finally he was like, you are one tough bitch, and asked for a truce hahahah. the show was great! approximately the same set list as it has been. the crowd was nuts. i’m only slightly injured though – thanks to the last crowd surfer during queens who got me in the head, and the way the guy behind me was holding onto the rail around me and crushing my ribs. not anywhere near as injured as the club shows. i swear that trent changed the beginning lyrics of “only” to “i’m becoming more divine as days go by” which was really hot. hahaha.
not much to review, pretty standard show, but it was fucking great. everything went well and trent didn’t get pissed off at anyone this time haha.
2545.8 miles later, the trip is done. totally fucking depressed now. i’m going to go back to bed i think. although i need a rest, i don’t want to return to my shit ass life. i should have gone to montreal for the show today. i’m not sure if adr2 decided to go or not. it would have been tough getting back for work tomorrow and not dying. i do have this cali club show now so i have that to look forward to. and after 15 shows I BETTER FUCKING GET A MEET AND GREET! or SOME special treatment. haha 🙂
getting a “halo 14” tattoo, but i don’t know what kind of font i want yet. gotta look into it.
camera pics
ha. so these are pics of two girls at the shows this week, taken on my phone so they’re craptastic
Crying Girl at the Philly Show
this was the girl fighting with her boyfriend and crying after soundcheck in philly. ran into the people that were behind us that night, at the WB show, and they remembered that we were making fun of her together hahaha.
Devil Girl!
this was the girl who wears the same thing at every show, vinyl red corset, and black vinyl skirt that shows her ass so she wears bloomers underneath, and devil horns. she seriously showed her ass to everyone all the time. had to take a picture.
it’s a travel day for trent, so it’s a travel day for us
10 points to whoever can figure out the movie reference in the subject line. adr2 – you’re not allowed to compete haha.
so today was the big drive home from boston to buffalo. left around 9, made decent time. at times it felt so long but in the end it didn’t really. drove through absolute shit weather. started raining around utica, then got worse and worse and stormy, and wind, and yuck. drove right through the weather front. i can’t really complain though because we had really good luck with weather. with the exception of the insane wind in wilkes-barre, it was sunny, and beautiful, and in philly it was actually HOT. we had nice days on the exploring days, and except for the 2 long drives down to dc and home, it was rain free. dreading the weather tomorrow though. it’s going to be in the 40s with rain/snow/wind in toronto. according to the spiral email about tomorrow’s show, if i understand it right, the spiral line might actually be inside where you go between ACC and union station. which would be totally amazing. oh yeah, forgot to mention. we (well adr2 did) talked to sweeney, trent’s…body guard/security guy/runs the show man…about getting trent to do a meet and greet tomorrow. he said he had some influence and he’d try to see what he could do. amira who we met in philly and WB is coming down from michigan to use my extra ticket. she had good luck when she traveled without her boyfriend to madison, got into the aftershow party, so here’s hoping. it was our last chance, until brandi from the spiral said they’d be back january 17th for more shows, and now they’re doing 3 more club shows out in reno and northern cali again. unfortunately the same week as u2 in buffalo but i might try to get out there anyway hehe. not like i have the money or the time off work. and oh yeah…the red tour bus thing. it’s totally trent’s bus. the busses were driving up the ex-fleet center ramp, and the red bus was the only one sweeney escorted. we yelled to ask who was on the bus, and he said he didn’t know, some guy haha. sweeney is really really cool. most body guard/security people are dicks. but he is totally approchable, talks to all us crazy fans, is a really nice accomodating guy. nice to see really. and the ex-fleetcenter is really the best run venue i’ve ever been to. the guy who runs the shows there, jeff, does a fantastic job letting fans know what is going on, and how he organized the wristband thing for u2 was just fantastic. i told him that too haha.
regardless of them coming back and maybe going out west, i still almost cried on the way home today. piggy from the live cd was on, and i was just like I DONT WANT TO GO HOME and totally almost started to cry. the song choice might not make sense, but it does for me. only one more show tomorrow. only one more time suffering through dfa1979 and the queens, which is fantastic, but only one more time for seeing boy tummy, and trent bounce, and breaking shit. ok and i’ve been really good, but i gotta say it now. Trent is so fucking hot. this dj on the radio today in boston referred to him as “one hot piece of ass”. lol
bahston
So. Bliss decided not to go to the Boston show, so I posted an ad on craigslist and ended up being offered side stage tickets for face value. score! so adr2 and i headed to boston around 9, in front of the line, and waited til the guy came to buy the tickets off him. ended up being joined by 2 girls from france/germany who were doing all the east coast and canada shows. we had met them at the philly and wb shows, the one girl got an entire guitar from aaron at the wb show. cool girls. it was sorta cold but not windy or rainy so that was good. got in for soundcheck again. reptile, the frail/the wretched, deep and wish again. we were walking by the speakers during reptile and holy crap it was the best thing ever. we were right up front for soundcheck this time, since there was no struggling to still get a good place in the waiting area so we could get a good place for the show. trent commented that deep “wasn’t a bad song” and that he didn’t know why we all complain about it. and he commented on the seats. the boston show was no GA, all seats even on the floor, which pissed trent the hell off. before march of the pigs he said it was an historic fucking event, because it was the last time he’d ever play a show with seats on the floor. that it was his fault for not reading the contract before he signed it, but it would be the last time he’d ever play that shit hole. during march of the pigs, as it started he told everyone to “shhh” and “calm down”, and during the “doesn’t it make you feel better” he said “i don’t feel better at all.” he broke his guitar, threw stuff. typical pissed trent haha. it was awesome. the show was cool cuz of the anger at the seats element. at one point he asked if we were having a good time, because he kept forgetting there were seats, and he thought everyone looked pissed off. he reminded us the seats were for our own safety. haha and it was funny, cuz both adr2 and i realized we must look choreographed, rocking out the same way hahah. by the end of the show we had a security guard at the end of our row, and adr2 overheard him say he was there to watch us cuz they thought we’d try to jump the rails to get back stage. hahaha.
after soundcheck we unfortunately sat in front of these really annoying girls who engaged in non stop bitching about how disappointed they were that they only got soundcheck. how if there was no meet and greet they could have done more songs at soundcheck. how they felt like they were in high school being penned up in a section of seats in the arena and not allowed to go outside. blahblahblah bitchbitchbitch ungratefulungratefulungrateful. they started a singalong which was funny for about 2 minutes. then it got old real fast. and seriously, they did not stop bitching about how disappointed they were. adr2 got so pissed that she left, and i eventually was like, hey, 13th show here and no meet and greet so shut your fucking mouth.
and oh yeah, it’s november, and it’s not even thanksgiving. do we REALLY need commercials featuring christmas music, and entire radio stations playing nothing but christmas music already?!?!?!?!
i could take what’s apart and put it back together…
So today was a driving day. En route to Boston we stopped in Poukipsee to meet up with Drie from synestheticlight.com and go check out the Pines resort in the Catskills. We were going to go to Concorde too but there is very little light these days, so we only had time for the Pines. wow lovely huge place. Totally didn’t see all of it, but she took me to the highlights. i got me a “new” pines summer camp tshirt as well 🙂 i took a same picture as eatstoomuchjam, the mossy desk drawers. we’ll see how it looks hehe. Drie was way cool, gonna have to plan a trip back out there on a weekend to do Hudson psych. I haven’t looked at my pictures yet. I bought a card reader at walmart cuz i figured i’d take tons of pics at byberry, take pics at one of the shows, and need to clear the card. but byberry was boring, and i haven’t taken the digital to any shows, and it’s pretty worthless without a tripod so it didn’t get alot of use at the Pines either, so i don’t feel like opening the reader up. i’ll just take it back to walmart back home.
So currently in a hotel in Revere, MA (reveah if you live around here haha). There are 2 bands staying in the hotel tonight. but not trent haha we’re in a freaking rodeway haha. oh!! haha on the drive from wilkes barre to poukepsie, we passed this red tour bus. at the WB show, the same red tour bus showed up at the venue. it was the last bus to arrive. after soundcheck and we were being herded around the arena, adr2 was spying on the security guards to try to find out how they were going to let us on the floor, and she overheard them saying that Trent was late arriving at the arena which was why the soundcheck was so late. incase you haven’t guessed, red bus arriving last at the arena, same red bus on the highway in the direction of boston….we noticed the connection and put a hi trent sign in the window as we passed HAHA we’re insane.
Trying to get tickets to the show tomorrow. Crap balcony tickets still available, but we’re gonna see if anyone from cragislist gets back to me, and see what shows up tomorrow in the drop line. we’ll have to settle for nose bleeds in the end, because we know that the show we don’t go to will be the show they do the meet and greet at (like NYC for example). kate’s not going with me to toronto on thurs anymore for the show so i have an extra ticket. can’t scalp it cuz it’s a fan club ticket. called tony to see if he can find leo at work and ask if he wants it. can’t think of anyone who might want to go. anyone local reading this, if you want it, let me know. eric – i know you work, and i’m going up way early to try to get into sound check, but you can take it if you want.
i really need new socks. they all have holes.
oh and on the mass pike, a radio station did an emergency broadcast that wasn’t just a test. i’ve never heard one that wasn’t a test before. they used to scare the crap out of me when i was a kid, much like the Durez siren. but the emergency broadcast was for an amber alert of a missing girl abudcted by her mom. by the time we got to the hotel they had been found.
seems like salvation comes only in our dreams
wilkes barre today. we were going to go at 9 but i couldn’t get out of bed and adr2 was sick, so i got up and went when one of the girls we had met in philly called to see where we were. so we went to find the arena, had no clue where it was. figured there’d be signs. nope. ended up calling the girl for directions, got there, established a spot then left to go put real clothes on haha. stood outside in gale winds for 5 hours. it could have been worse, it could have done more than sprinkled for 5 minutes. and we had good company.
it was getting late and hopes of a soundcheck today were falling but they finally let us in. trent was late getting there. this time they did “reptile”, “the frail/the wretched”, “deep” and “wish”. awesome again. i still think it’s such a cool thing that they’re doing for their fans. mass confusion ensued afterwards about where they were taking us to wait, and how we were going to get on the floor. but it all went well and i ended up by myself at the barrier on jeordie’s side, along with a girl from the line. talked to this other girl next to us tons. she works for aveda and is gonna send me free samples hehe
the show itself…trent was pissed. after the first song they raise the curtain up, except this time it was stuck. a cord from some equipment thing got stuck in the wires and almost knocked one of the big crates that holds the lights over. meanwhile the curtain is stuck half way up for the beginning of “you know what you are”. trent was piiiiissssed. he went on a rant about punching the guy who works the curtain in the head hahah. threw some stuff around. typical angry trent. got “even deeper” and “dead souls” again. it was a cool show once again, but lacked something. maybe people. only half the tickets were sold. it was weird. same setlist as philly but without “something i can never have”
off to explore tomorrow in downstate ny, and drive the rest of the way to boston. i really want to find someplace to get my hair cut.