Author Archives: Elegant

i hate being a cancer. stupid fucking moods. need to get out of this mood, cuz theres no reason i should be in it except that i’m stupid. it’s been a good weekend etc, but no i have to go and drink (depressants, yay), and then be stupid after everyone left.

didn’t do much of anything last night. since adr and nate were already here, danielle came here. we drank and watched tv all night. danielle left around quarter to 1, nate left at 1 cuz he’s a big giant wimp when it comes to sleeping, and i took adr home after that. then i got all stupid and depressed and blah. i hate my head. now it’s carried over to today, and i want it to go away cuz i want to be happy.

i got called into work but told them no. i should have just gone in, cuz i know even if i call nate we’re not going to do anything. and that’ll make me more depressed. blah stop thinking this way. fucking moods. go away. blah

 

yep i was right. i’ll be here doing nothing by myself all day, wallowing in my own self pity. sometimes i wonder why i bother. at least he knows i’m throughly annoyed at him. oh wait, he’s a boy. he probably didn’t realize at all even tho i pretty much spelled it out. saying GRRRRRRR I’m really frustrated probably didn’t get through his head. “sorry babe we’ll do something tomorrow” yeah fuck off.

as much as i wish i could be a complete stupid bitch, and if/when he calls later today/tomorrow to do something, i’d be like “oh, i don’t feel like it” i know as soon as i talk to him i’ll be like, yeah ok. and even tho i would like to be all cool towards him when i see him, i know i wouldn’t be able to do it. cuz as soon as i see him, i’ll be fine and happy again. i don’t like this.

i wish all my friends who keep telling me they want to slap him for not taking advantage of perfect situations could come over here and do it. that’d be nice.

fucking ignore me. i’m being stupid. i should have gone into work. i dunno what i was thinking. tell me to shut up.

 

i’ve decided i’m way more upset at myself than i am at nate. he’s just always the trigger. he hasn’t done anything wrong, he’s just being himself. and then i get upset at myself for thinking the way i have been. cuz this isn’t me, and i don’t act this way, and i don’t like being this way. and then it just gets worse, cuz then i feel really self-destructive and want to destroy everything, and that makes me even more upset. it’s been a long time since i’ve felt really self-destructive. i’m trying to keep all that down so i don’t fuck shit up.

this is NOT how i wanted to spend my day.

and how come trent reznor has to write lyrics that “speak to me” so much. it’s like every song that comes on i want to post lyrics on here from them. sometimes it doesn’t make me feel any better to relate to his lyrics.

 

oh hey something funny. watching tv last night, and this commercial came on. i was like OH IS THIS THE IKEA COMMERCIAL!?!?! one of nate’s friends had told us about this really funny ikea commercial about a lamp…it was THE commercial. and the 4 of us were hysterically laughing – mainly cuz danielle was like OMG I DID FEEL BAD FOR THE LAMP. the commercial is so funny. one of the best that i’ve seen in a long time. gotta see if it’s around for download. omg i want to download a COMMERCIAL!

 

all i gotta say is fuck football, i’m going to the sabres game. 200 level club seats, for free. thanks to my dad’s weird friend who just stopped by.

 

so sabres game. got adr, and dinner at mcds, headed downtown. wonderful seats in the posh 200 level where they serve you food at your seats. so we have now sat in every level of the arena (except the boxes). the seats were sorta left corner, goal end, perfect view of the entire ice. good choice for season tickets, if this is where my dad’s friend sits all the time. game was fantastic until the 3rd period, where sabres became the team we all know and try to love – lost a 3 goal lead in half the 3rd period, and then lost by 1. this team is so frustrating sometimes.

but anyway…i decided *in a hedwig voice* “god i deserve a break today” so i treated myself and indulged in strawberry dippin dots. they were delightful as always, but sadly the highlight of my day. the game was a pleasant distraction, even tho i kept spacing out. not always thinking about bad things, but thinking, and not paying attention. adr was like “Are you ok?” lol. besides being stupid as i’ve been all day, i didn’t feel good (head hurt), and this guy in front of us was wearing curve so it was making me feel nausated. (is that grammatically correct?)

but i’m beyond the crying that i was doing all day i think, and i’m just pissed off and slightly numb. like, i’m feeling more like myself in that when i’m pissed off i get really vengeful. and i feel slightly bad about it, cuz i have no reason to be pissed off. maybe irritated and slightly disappointed, but not pissed off. don’t worry it’ll go away.

nate claims he could tell that i liked him the moment we met. and that he knew i had scared off the competition at work (?!?!). i said i didn’t scare anyone, but he claims people could tell so i scared them off. but yeah..and then he said he really knew i was into him when we went out the first night and i said he could never see my website LOL. so i told him how the day after we met i had gone out with eric and eric laughed at me cuz i was so giddy. and i told him that even if he found my website i had been password posting stuff about him, and used a fake name for a while lol.

anyway. nate was in a movie. you can see pictures from it, and info about it at this site: Aliens…From Space. you can watch it on the internet, but you have to give credit card info for this other site, and you won’t get charged if u cancel membership before 30 days…but we were like um, no. he’s just gonna bring the movie over. we watched my 12th grade space video, with the barbies and stuff. he thought it was funny hahah. cuz it is.

ok yeah. desperately need sleep. going to pass out.

 

holy jesus christ. 8:30 the loudest construction crew ever pulled up in front of my house. o.m.g they are so loud. they talk loud, they’re doing their thing loud. omg. the vampires nextdoor are getting a new roof…again. they just got a roof put on when they bought the house 6 years ago. we had our roof on this house for 17 years (and the roof on their house when they bought it was over 10 years old). THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE ROOF WHY ARE YOU GETTING A NEW ONE?!?!? And since WHEN did construction workers actually work on a saturday?!?!?!?!?!?!?! UG.

i hate getting up early cuz 1. i’m tired, sorta late night, insomniac, no sleep. 2. I HAVE NOTHING TO DO FOR A BUNCH OF EXTRA HOURS NOW. omg. gonna kill them.

ug. why on earth does anyone get up at 7 am? why am i up? cuz i’ve been up since probably 4. i was hopped up on mountain dew from work. i hate mountain dew…but i thought the insanely high amounts of caffine might help my headache last night. it didn’t. but kept me awake for a while. but then i did sleep, pretty decently….until ziggy decided to be a bitch. ug she’s so annoying. i’ll be laying on my side and she’ll come stand on my ribs. i finally let her outside and got some food at 7, after trying to sleep with her for a few hours. then of course, can’t fall back asleep. and now there are big construction trucks outside my house. ug. i’m not really tired, but the headache is still lingering and i need to sleep a bit more so it’ll go away. i’ve already popped 4 pills since ziggy woke me up. and you know what else? she snores. SHE’S A CAT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! but she snores.

guess what i’m listening to right now, thanks to the beauty of the internet. michael jackson’s sept 11th tribute song. ha the internet is great. the song isn’t awful, but it’s definitely an invincible era track. it’s no “we are the world” lol

don’t know what to do with myself the rest of the day. i’m going to try to go back to sleep in a bit. oh the construction trucks are leaving, that’s good. ha, the furnace just turned on.

 

i am such a giant dork lol. i watched a show about the challenger on discovery while eating breakfast. how many times have i seen these kinds of shows, yet i get all anxious and my heart starts beating super fast – as if i don’t know the shuttle is going to explode. and then it explodes and i get a perclempt, as if it’s happening right now and i didn’t expect it to blow up. haha *DORK* the show amused me, because it seemed like my dialogue from our 12th grade english paper/video was from the exact same book they used for the documentary. i wish we would have had footage for our video tho – we wouldn’t have had to use legos hehe. anyway…the whole space thing still amazes me. i wanna be an astronaut. i wonder if they’d train a hard rock hostess to be on the next shuttle flight…i should write them a letter and ask haha.

we got more channels on digital cable again. well the ones i noticed are MTVjams (which used to be MTVx the rock channel…as if we need another MTV channel that only plays rap, that’s all they play to begin with) and MTVespanol. MTVen could be interesting lol. they’re channels 157 and 158.

this migrane really wiped me out. i feel all wacko and crappy. it needs to go away before tonight, cuz i’m not wasting tonight cuz i feel all blah. i think i might go to the mall later – something to do. i wish i had more friends around here so i’d have someone to go with. oh well. i need new clothes.

GAH red dragon opens today. maybe i’ll make us go see that tonight. or maybe tomorrow with danielle…that might be better, cuz she prolly wants to see it.

 

1. i definitely do not fit in the bathtub. i tried. cuz i feel blah, i figured i’d take a bath. nope. no possible way. i realize that any adult is not going to be covered by the water in the bathtub, but there was more of me exposed to the air than actually in the water. and it’s less than comfortable to lay against the soap holder.
2. i started to do my hair differently. not like anyone is going to notice, it’s a subtle change. since it’s growing out, and i have more hair on the right side of my head to begin with, i’ve been parting and combing over (sounds like i’m bald lol) the front part of my hair on the right. it’s sorta kelly osbourne-ish but in my own way. gives me some way to do it and have it look decent while it is in this inbetween length stage.
3. i’m starving. i’m going to loose weight this weekend unless someone comes over and cooks for me, or takes me out to eat. and i’m not implying nate. i’m implying anyone LOL. my mom left me some left overs in the fridge, but i hate even reheating stuff lol. last time my parents went away adr came over and bbqed for me every day hehe. that’s a true friend 🙂 ooooh i can redeem my free meal at work on monday. score!!
4. i’m having a good makeup day. lol. and my hair, that i already mentioned.
5. mom called. she told me to be good. hah that’s the closest i got to the whole “nate’s not allowed over while we’re gone” speech. maybe she realized i’m an adult. haha or maybe she just realized there was no use in telling me he’s not allowed over, when common sense would tell you he will be. god, she told me he wasn’t allowed over the first time we went out and they were gone, and what did we do? came here and watched a movie lol. like i’m going to listen to her now.
6. of course now i feel really tired, like i could get in bed and fall asleep. now that my hair is done and i’m dressed etc…
7. like you need to know this, but…the underwear i have on grew. first i thought i lost them (NOT WHAT YOU’RE THINKING :P), but i found them smooshed in the back of the drawer. they’re too big now tho, blah. and my jeans are too big, so i feel all disoriented hahah.
8. i’m driving my dads car today! hehe

 

wow there is really no point in me going to the mall ever. it seriously takes me longer to get there. i think i spent a half hour there today. i bought black and white film tho. so that makes me happy. and i got a student discount hehe. but seriously. i went in a handful of stores, i hate all the clothes, i walk out. i even went in eddie bauer!! they had jackets teehee…but no red leather ones. there was this quilted red jacket, that was sorta cute, but i want my dark red leather one if i can ever find it. spencers had some cool halloween costumes if it turns out anything is going on and i need to dress up. oh, and the candy kiosk that sells canadian import candy had bags of coffee crisp halloween candy!!!! bite sized individually wrapped coffee crisps *heaven* hehe. but i didn’t buy any. i only bought the film. express had this really cool shirt, for an outrageous amount of money, but i only liked half of the shirt. the back was lace up, real old fashion style. but then the sleeves were weird Seinfeld-puffy-shirt like sleeves which ruined the whole shirt. blah. they had a jacket carolyn would love…thigh length beige corduroy, 50% too (so like 50 bucks)…

i really need new clothes, and i’m not going to be able to buy any this season. they are all so putrid looking. barf.

 

well the cold front is here. temp outside has just dropped drastically it seems, and the wind…ug i hate wind.

anyway. i’m so bored. i found this on someone elses blog. honestly. penis size not correlated to shoe size (from yahoo.com)…is there no plural for the word penis? it says “In all, 104 men had their penis measured and had their shoe size recorded”….maybe i’m just not doing grammer properly, but shouldn’t it say “104 men had their penises measured”? or is it like, peni? LOL where is adrienne, she would know, she’s all medical like. or carolyn, the english major.

in my last post, i mentioned the whole underwear too big thing… i’ve lost 10 lbs since i graduated. i don’t think that’s a good thing. i just weighed myself so i could find my body mass index (it’s 17.7….less than 18.5 is underweight, gee i didn’t know i was underweight :P).

 

using dads laptop with the wireless connection. the m button doesnt work very well. i hate laptops. anyway…i think my whole yogurt diet thing is a by product of just being way too stressed when home alone to eat….cuz i tried to eat spaghetti for dinner and it just made me sick. i ate like an 8th of the dish and put it back in the fridge. blah i’m already hungry again. but i cant eat unless i eat yogurt again…we’ll see how much weight i lose by tuesday :-/….

 

well…i hurt significantly less than i normally would. didn’t sleep that well tho. i used the pillows that were on that bed, and well…they’re not my pillows therefor i can’t sleep. and it was weird sleeping in there, it made me feel like i was a guest at someone’s house. and i can’t sleep at other ppls houses, i wake up alot. which is what i did last night. so tonight i’m going to try it with my own pillows and see how it goes.

parents leave in t minus 6 hours.

finished the godfather. i hate kay adams. she’s such a stupid whiney woman. UR MARRIED TO THE DON, YEAH HE HAS PEOPLE KILLED, GET OVER IT! appolonia was so much better. too bad she exploded lol. the book was great tho. makes me want to watch the movie again. maybe i’ll rent it this weekend. or wait, i bought it for adr for xmas, so i can just borrow it haha.

 

ug. i have such a friggen headache. i feel like my brain is gonna explode through a crack in the side of my head.

work was work. same as always. but i have 4 days next week!! shock of shocks. i guess it’s supposed to be busy because there’s a swinger convention in town…yeah…swingers…like couples who switch partners and stuff…hah should be interesting. oh yeah, i won a free dinner at work cuz i won this “contest” during preshift. me and this kid were volunteered to go back and forth naming everything customers should know about our all access program. and i was able to break the tie between us, so i won. wow. haha

haven’t heard from nate. i thought maybe he’d leave a msg while i was at work. so i dunno what’s going on, and i dunno what time he gets home from work tomorrow. ug. i hate not having plans…lol. tomorrow i have to clean my room and do some laundry. thennn whenever i talk to nate, do something. danielle gets home late tomorrow night, so won’t get to see her til saturday. should be a fantastic weekend. at least i’m hoping. it fucking better be, that’s all i’m saying lol.

i’m going to kill someone. i hate feeling this way. fucking supersonic hearing, driving me insane. i CANNOT possibly sleep another night in my bed. i need to recover. so i’m going to sleep in the spare bedroom tonight. i just can’t sleep in my bed anymore. so much pain. all i want right now is someone to jam their knee inbetween my shoulder blades and then pull my shoulders back. that’d feel so nice.

no i lie. all i really want is for whoever is continuously scraping a shovel against cement to stop before i go on a murderous rage. i am not kidding. i’m on the verge of screaming. it is one of the most hideous noises i’ve ever heard, and it’s driving me insane. i can’t deal with this sensory overload. omg. i’m freaking out.

 

i don’t have anything to say really.

trent’s studio all borded up for the hurricane.

i decided to start sleeping in the spare bedroom. i hurt too much for my bed, so i’m going to try that bed for a while. it’s usually cooler in that room too. once i recover and my back isn’t killing me i’ll move back to my bed. maybe i’ll actually sleep in that room…since i haven’t been sleeping in mine. the past 3 days didn’t really sleep much, blah.

it’s supposed to rain every day all weekend. guess i’ll be spending lots of time inside.

up at 8…didn’t sleep til after 3. this is not cool. woken up by the lovely shaking of my bed, again. somewhere, someone is doing construction which is causing the earth to shake. and it’s not the same kind of rolling-sea-like shaking of the earthquake a few months ago. this is just annoying little shakes which cause my bed to move, and things to rattle, every 10 seconds. it could possibly be the most annoying way to be woken up. and it continues to be annoying. i’d like to shoot someone right about now. and i’m in pain – fucking mattress.

i had things to say but i’m way too annoyed right now. it’s my day off and 8 am is too early to be awake when i have nothing to do all day. i really want to go back to bed.

*update* i’ve been out of bed for 15 min and i’m completely bored to death.

 

ROFL i had a dream about ozzy! I was GOLFING with him. it was like a celebrity golf thing, and he was on my team. and i told him how i killed the bird with the golfball, since he’s got the whole biting heads off doves thing…

 

hsbc bank sent me an employment application. actually, 2 of them. i don’t know why. i don’t remember giving them my resume. i don’t even think they were at the job fair. but whatever lol. so i guess i’ll fill those out.

changed up cyndi’s site. it’s tori amos themed now. i think i might redo this site…i know, it seems like i just did it. but i was sorta inspired maybe. we’ll see i guess.

my friend laura in nyc got married on sept 7th. finally saw some pictures. she looked so pretty. and very happy. so i’m glad, cuz i was iffy about the whole thing for a while. it’s so weird – i have a married friend. gah.

i keep forgetting to mention this. we were warned at work about a person who calls the cafes, and pretends they are from the corporate office looking for whoever answers the phone. they say they need to verify personal information such as social security number, and emergency contacts. then the person calls the emergency contact and tells them you’re dead. yeah. how awful. the person hasn’t called us yet, but i did get a prank call yesterday. they asked me if i was good in bed. so of course i told them how fantastic i am. i bet they were jealous they couldn’t come and find out themselves. haha

there are still some people missing from the belt poll… like carolyn cuz she wont be back til today, mary who doesn’t go online on the weekends, and joe. those are the only 3 ppl i can think of who have yet to chime in. SO CHIME ALREADY!! i asked a few people at work…lisa leaves the belt in, mike leaves it in unless he’s doing a strip show for someone. hahaha.

work was fine, we were busy. we had tons of reservations including a party of 10 at 11pm and 24 at 11:30. we close at 12. it was niagara falls homecoming so it was all high school kids coming in after the dance. eric and adr showed up around 11, and got some drinks, then mgr said i could go. so i joined them and made fun of the kids with them and nate, and then we headed to the bar after. nate showed up when he got out. eric and nate played more bubble boy hockey (nate redeemed himself last night). good times.

so i gotta go to work now. then taking nate out to dinner. going to take him to buca di beppos. eric said not to show him THE postcard. lol. should be an early night though, nate starts his new REAL job tomorrow.

 

work was…whatever. steady, then we got this huge party that was super annoying and kept wanting to add tables to their giant L shaped table. annoying. and they didn’t tip good. i ran out of there at 4:30. mgr was prolly annoyed, but i really had to pee so i figured i’d just go pee and leave. and i did. went and picked up nate, and came home to change for dinner.

i took him out to bucas and he was impressed. i made fun of him for liking the olive garden. but yeah, he said it was really good and would recommend it, so i’m glad i chose a good place to take him. we had wine, just one glass each, and we were both like…way too tipsy lol. i’m still all tipsy. but had a good meal, all good.

now i’m home for the rest of the night. i need to recover from my wine. lol. i work monday, wed, thurs. parents leave thurs woo hoo. nate’s gonna be no fun all week, cuz of his new job. he keeps saying how much he hates set schedules like the 9-5 he’ll have, and he hates getting up and hates desk work and how he’ll be so tired etc. i don’t think i’m going to end up having an actual party anymore. i’m off all weekend tho, which is so fantastic. lol.

someone’s car alarm is going off. turn it off already.

went to goodbar again. eric and adr came this time, met up with nate’s friends there. almost ran over one of the mtv people. but they were leaving when we got there. headed down the street to some other bar where nate and eric played bubble boy hockey. oh yeah, at goodbar me and nate played doubles pool with strangers. ok well really nate played, i attempted to hit balls around every other turn, but yeah. haha. went to dennys, the usual, then nate came back here for a while. and now bed.

AAAAARRRGGGGG someone tell me why i’m paying 210$ a month for health insurance when…..1) i don’t ever go to the doctor….2) it’s only health insurance, and not dental as well…..and….3) i apparently don’t have prescription coverage….?!?!? dropped my meds off at the pharm this morning to be filled, and just went to pick them up. my old insurance card finally expired so they wanted my new one….which doesn’t state anything about prescriptions on it. super. so the lady tried to call the company but it’s closed now or something, so i have to call tomorrow. then she said that if my insurance is really through blue cross/blue shield, that they dropped eckerd from their pharm listings or something, so that even if i have it i’m apparently NOT covered at that store. wtf. super. so i paid for it, cuz i can’t stop taking it cold turkey….25$….if i don’t have prescription coverage i’m calling the dr to get me off the meds. not paying for that shit. it doesn’t even work anyway.

*sigh* so anyway. work was boring. i spent the entire day doodling and coloring the rotation sheet. kristen came in at 4 and was like, wow you must have been bored. but i managed to stay my whole shift, pick up some hours. nate quit hard rock today because he got another job (cuz he lied lol) so next week i’ll get his hours. and i told mgr about the employment agency stuff, so they know i’ll hopefully be leaving, or cutting down to maybe a weekend shift a week.

up for tonight…going out with nate and his friend mike i guess. no idea when, of course. boys – less than punctual.