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still not dead.

i have no more books to read in my house, so i’m reading “invisible monsters”…again…

there’s that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should’ve been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That’s how your whole life will feel some day.


when you understand that what you’re telling is just a story. it isn’t happening anymore. when you realize the story you’re telling is just words, when you can just crumble it up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we’ll figure out who you’re going to be.

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i’m not posting until i have things to say that aren’t negative.

i want to do home improvements but i have no home to improve….

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i have a horrible schedule. i work nights, i never get to see anyone. i get 2 days off a week where i can see my friends and spend time with people. so it really irritates me when people tell me they’re going to hang out with me, or that we’ll do something, and then it doesn’t happen. it irritiates me even more when people don’t even have the courtesy to let me know that said plans aren’t going to happen. plans change, things come up, cancellations are made, fine. no problem, just fucking let me know.

theres really nothing i hate more

once again, danielle never showed up. this is the 3rd time now. once again, not a word from her as to why. i thought it might be different today because she was coming over with a purpose – to clip the dogs nails. but nope. guess not. i can’t say i even know her anymore. and james didn’t come over either. let me know he lost his keys around 9, but then said he’d try to come over. its after 12 now and i’m tired.

if you don’t want to hang out with me fine. if something comes up and you can’t, or you decide you don’t want to hang out with me, fine. just tell me. and don’t give me some stupid bullshit excuse either. just say it. nate would always do that, with the “i’m tired” excuse. bullshit. you’re not going to bed right now, you’re going to end up doing something – and i don’t care. you want to hang out with your family, fine, just don’t lie to me.

i don’t think i ask too much from my friends. i don’t think it’s too much to expect people to follow through on things. i don’t think it’s too much to expect some courtesy either.

so back to work tomorrow. see everyone (maybe) on my next 2 days off.

 

watching “while you were out” because i have nothing better to do, and this episode takes place at a house with a woman who is obsessed with legos. to the point where she furnished the house with lego furniture. and she is completely stressed out and having ocd reactions to the fact that they are taking all the lego creations out of the room they are redoing. to cope with the change she started making new lego things. the tv ppl accidentally broke one of the lego creations and she looked like she was going to cry. i think she needs an intervention. besides that, she’s doing it for her husband who hates the lego furniture. they’ve been married for 20 years, and she doesn’t know what he does for a living, and she doesn’t like participating in the things he likes to do, like soccer (for example). seems like she’s got some issues. i loved playing with legos and everything but…come on now. she hates everything they’re doing to the house. she hates the prize she won. she hates it all. WHY’D YOU EVEN WANT TO BE ON THE SHOW?! haha i don’t get it. i think they realized it was a strange episode because they keep doing commentary from both the tv ppl and the woman after the fact, and are going to do a “what the room looks like now” segment haha

and i’m sorry that i’m a jerk.

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ROFLMAO

“President Bush offered up a new entry for his catalog of “Bushisms” on Thursday, declaring that his administration will “never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people.” ”
ROFLMAO

so it was a nice day, i figured i shouldn’t sit here all day. so leighanne and i took a trip to the command center. didn’t stay long, lots of people around, and bad vibes. after that we tried to go find the model city “Ghost town” which was a bust as well. ended up in youngstown for ice cream, and driving back home. but i did get out of the house for a few hours.

james is supposed to come by tonight, dunno about brian. danielle is also supposed to stop buy to cut the dogs nails at some point today.

last night, we watched blair witch project, and forrest gump. while blair witch isn’t the same on the small screen at home, it had been long enough since i last saw it (when it came out on vhs) that it did make me a bit anxious, and got the heart racing a bit. but no where near as terrifying as in the theatre when it was still unclear if it was fiction. forrest gump is one of the best movies ever. it’s just so wonderful and cute. and i cried…again…how many times have i seen it? always cry at the end.

little forrest sees dead people.

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went out with tony after work tonight. went to the casino (i won!) then to denny’s to eat. it’s been a long time since we’ve hung out, outside of work. first time we’ve really talked in a long time. and we didn’t even really get into anything too deep, but it was really nice. he is a really great person and a really great friend. sometimes i forget (in a way). he made sure i know he’s there for me to talk to about anything if i need to. how’d he put it… hah…”without the ackward pauses in conversation” haha. he said it was nice to see me outside of work and smiling again, because he noticed that i don’t ever smile at work anymore. because i don’t. because i’m burned out. it was really nice to spend time with him, and smile again. feels like i haven’t in a while. so yeah. had a good time.

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scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared scared

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somebody left me a present last night. the presidential (mis)speak – the very curious language of george w bush 2004 page a day calendar. so now, my favs from the first 8 months

“we’re working on what’s called 10-plus-10-over-10…to help russia securitize the dismantling – the dismantled nucular warheads.”

“first of all, i appreciate the wisdom of Chairman Greenspan. He uses the word, “soft spot.” I use the word, “bumpin along.”

“perhaps the biggest problem is that we have passed children from grade to grade, year after year, and those child haven’t learned the basics of reading and math.”

“and…it’s gettin’ worse. That’s what people have gotta understand up there in Washington, or over there in Washington, down there in Washington, wherever – i thought i was in Crawford for a minute.”

“do you have blacks, too?” – comment made to brazilian president fernando henrique cardoso

“one of the things we did before comin’ over is we had a round-table discussion sitting around a square table.” ROFLMAO

“she had a relative named Eisenhower, and he and I share something in common. We’re both presidents.”

“listen, i understand water. i grew up in midland, texas. you remember how much water we didn’t have there.”
i think if i was president, and a president who didn’t know english, i’d hire some kind of speech coach…or at least someone to teach me how to read a teleprompter.

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i am really scared about something and i don’t know what. it’s freaking me out. just very very frightened…of something happening. and i’m not sure if that “something” is necessarily bad or not, just…bad in a way. that it would be bad for me maybe. things feel ominous i guess. makes me want to cry actually. i don’t like it.

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i had another dream about being in asbury park. i don’t get it haha. this time…we kept saying we were going to the palace but the whole time we were at the casino. it was set up differently, with the carousel house on the right instead of in front. there was a crowd outside the building because the carousel house was on fire. the back part of the casino was open and we were sticking our heads in to finally see inside. we could see the smoke coming into that section of the building from the carousel house. then suddenly i guess the fire was out, because there was no more smoke, and we wanted to go inside. we started inside and someone said that only people volunteering to sweep the floors were allowed inside. i’m game! i guess the reason we were there in the first place was because there was going to be a clean up. russell was there, apparently he owned it. so we went inside to start sweeping the floors. it was all sand. getting distracted i started digging in the sand to find souvies to take, and there was all sorts of fun stuff buried there. in one corner, under a tree, i had found broken necks of guitars…then digging more, someone buried piano keyboards. we had to go someplace else so we covered the stuff with more sand to come back for it later. went somewhere else, and came back. dug around more, found a bunch of vinyl records… so i took a bruce springsteen one for leighanne, along with this thing that looked like a lighter, or my digi cam battery, that said bruce springsteen on it. then there was tons of mj stuff…vinyl records and books i had never seen before, and i used to have everything. i debated taking them to resell on my site, but passed them up. then i heard russell saying something about how it seems things are getting stolen from inside the building. do do do, not me, i didn’t take anything. then there was more about realizing we would need to find a hotel, cuz we didn’t want to miss the chance to see more of the inside, and kicking myself for deciding not to bring my camera to the building.

then last night i dreamed about the clintons. i was at some sort of political rally…i dont know if it was inaugeration for kerry, or the DNC, but some big political thing. big crowd, people all over. and i happened to be standing next to bill and hilary. there were cameras video taping them and someone had been joking with them about bill having sex in the white house. so they started laughing and joking around about it, and were having alot of fun. they were really cool nice fun people, and i was really impressed that they could joke around and laugh about that whole time period now.

and i dreamed i was driving somewhere, and got lost on the reservation. i think i was trying to go to someones house, but missed their street, and got more and more lost on the reservation. ended up driving into a lake in an SUV but not sinking, because i was scared to stop and ask any of the natives how to get to where i was going. i didn’t want them to shoot me. then i started to see natives that i worked with, so i was able to stop and ask them, but they didn’t really know so they tried drawing us a map that was really unhelpful.

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movie night was held at jasens last night. watched lock stock and two smoking barrels, which was very much like snatch (or rather snatch was like it). then boondock saints. entertaining as always. i had requested no super deep hurt my brain movies this week.

i already don’t want to go back to work tomorrow.

today…dunno. some shopping, then i dunno. entertain me on my last night of freedom.

 

drove out to buffalo to go to gothic city antiques. wanted to see how much the knight’s armor cost (275), the iron arch outside (sold) and found the big rocket old amusement ride thing (500). if only i had tons of money to buy fun stuff like the big rocket and armor haha. attempted to go to the architectural circus since we were in the neighborhood but it was closed. drove down elmwood back towards home, stopped at premier liquor, and best buy. i found out lacuna coil re-released comalies with a 2nd bonus disc of acoustic tracks…so i had to buy it. and it wasn’t insanely expensive, i just wish i had known about it 4 days ago when i was at best buy looking for something to use my gift certificate on. but whatever. the bonus disc is cool, they sound just as good acoustic as all rocked out.

came home, went to get pizza for dinner, back home, then to the casino for a few hours. lost. woo hoo. attempted to go to dennys on the way home but it was packed, so we just came home. 11:30 and nothing else to do…

i’m sorry my posts are so boring and uncreative. i feel as if i have nothing to say anymore. and since i’m as emotionally level as i have been in 5 months, i have no drama to write about cryptically or anything. haha no feelings to talk/whine about at the moment. of course. that could all change tomorrow but LOL. for now.

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