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more proof that “the autobiography of vivian” is about me LOL. i can’t go a page without reading something that was pulled out of my brain

“then i started thinking, when was he going to call? what if he didn’t call me soon enough and i wanted to call him? yuck! this is why i hate relationships, why i hate being “in like”! it feels like one big settlement when you can’t act or say or do or call, for that matter, when you want to! i was just fine before i met him. having john on my brain just sucked. consistently overanalytical and never allowing a good moment to be just that, i thought long and hard about why my satisfaction had earned a “dis” just moments after he left. was i needy? immature? did i like him more than he liked me? hi i’m vivian and i’m a freak!”

lol

and tony got promoted at work again! he’s full floor now, congrats to him. he deserves it

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i think one phrase pretty much sums up the night: bum shelves

and in other news. new info about the new u2 album. apparently they are covering a song by the german band kraftwerk. you dont even know how much more hope this brings that the album might actually be good!! fantastic even!! and i don’t even LIKE kraftwerk! just the fact that they’re covering a before-their-time forefather of electro-techno music band, who’s music is at the opposite end of the spectrum from u2…mind blowing really. maybe we’re not getting another “all that you can’t leave behind” oh the possibilities!!!

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I think i had mentioned to most people, that my aunt trudy was hired by NBC to drive around important people in Athens during the olympics. trudy is one of the most facinating people you will ever meet. i wish i could be like her, and do the things she’s done, and that whole thing…

but anyway….if anyone is interested in reading her experience at the olympics, continue…

Hi Walt, hi Laura, hi Sara.

Hi all – long time, no hear, no access to computer. Just got back the other day and must now clear up tons of stuff on the computer along with other piled up jobs. But what I really want to do is lay back for a while.

Did you watch much of the Olympics? Thought you might want an update on my time there so here goes.

My experience at the Olympics was interesting from many perspectives. It was of course, fun to be a part of it all especially since it all went so well surprising everybody, foreigners and Greeks alike. Just minor glitches like a few busses arriving late in the beginning and the head of NBC security whom I was driving around once told me nothing of import had occurred. It was overkill all the way across – too many security people, too many volunteers, too many drivers (never had a job where I was paid to watch TV). They left absolutely nothing to
chance. I could not believe that the metro came every two-three minutes, the special events busses every two minutes and they were mostly empty, a sign all got to their venues on time. Took only 20 minutes to let everyone in for the opening ceremony which was fantastic. I watched the fireworks from a balcony of a friend who was just across from the stadium. Incredibly the Greeks honored (for the most part) the Olympic fast lanes reserved for Olympic traffic and it was weird to see a lane without a car for several kilometers in the middle of Athens – no doubt the drivers squeezed into the other two lanes were cursing under their breath. When the Olympics are finished end of September they will use those lanes only for cars with more than one person in them.
I went to only two events to get the feel of the whole place – it was fabulous, specially at night. Once I went to a tennis match and on the next court was playing a Greek female player who had courageously defeated her opponent the day before despite having obtained a serious leg injury falling down twice and screaming in pain several times. You would have thought there was a football match on the way the spectators roared every time she made a point as if a goal had been made for Greece. This match, despite all that psychological support, she lost to a Russian, however. The Greeks did incredibly well in the medals department – the best for countries that size. It was great to see them win with all that enthousiastic support.
Athens was unbelievably clean, efficiently run, dispersing information everywhere (new maps etc.), festive, music and performances on every street corner, beautifully lit up specially the Acropolis and Thission temple. I took advantage of the fact that my accreditation card allowed me free entrance to all the museums, galleries, archeological sites, and special exhibits and I visited everything after work, even one trip to Epidavros for an ancient tragedy performed in an ancient amphitheatre – just the bus trip there was fantastic. I usually take advantage of all opportunities that present. I even talked Kiriakos into coming to see the new Athens for a couple of days as we had both become disenchanted with that city.
It was also good for me personally, as I learned a lot. I am totally confident now about driving around Athens, even on the highways. It was great for my ego to be the oldest female hired – we had mostly young folks just finished or finishing their degrees. Sadly, most of these fine young folks will be looking for jobs shortly. It was nice to be accepted by them as well. I had some stress in the beginning trying to learn the new and difficult routes – stressed because the training was totally inadequate to the point that after a week I had to speak to
the higher supervisor and tell her I would like to support her in her task but because I was getting no proper training I would be unable to. She corrected it right away. The Greeks, too, were having difficulty but refused to speak up even telling me to go talk to our American Supervisor, so because I did speak up I had some difficulty from the immediate Supervisor, a British gal. But that was also a learning experience, that is the way I am looking at all challenges. Met some interesting people, both fellow drivers and passengers. Dan Hicks, a sports newscaster at NBC, head of security, couple of producers, a three times gold winner athlete in the field of archery, to name a few. And I made a few bucks, too. All in all, it was a positive experience.

What did you think of the Olympics? Wasn’t the opening ceremony great? But I think the Chinese will put on a real extravaganza – enjoyed their part in the closing ceremony. We got a pretty good salary for Greece from NBC – no tips, just doing our job.

I’m at the crossroads right now in my life wanting to do something constructive but balancing it with time for myself. That’s even tougher with less money these days. Many thoughts float through my head. Example, I was at the Goulandris Natural History Museum recently and I had a thought – all these wonderful things to look at but the small little village schools on the islands have no chance to see them. I thought maybe I should get together a traveling, very small museum in my Motorhome and entertain/educate the children along with my animal awareness program all around the islands. Would take a lot of organizing but I am used to that. We shall see. My immediate goal, however, has to be simplifying my life, getting rid of all kinds of things I don’t need anymore. I must remember KISS – keep it simple, stupid.

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*edit* THIS IS ABSOULTELY NOT ABOUT ANY OF YOU READING*/edit*

i finished reading the fannie flagg book “standing in the rainbow”….it was good, cute, a very “her” book, but not as good as “daisy fay” or “fried green tomatoes”.

leighanne said i had to read a salinger book next, but it was not readily available when i realized i needed something to read before bed the other night. so i started this book called “the autobiography of vivian.” it’s about a college grad who moves to nyc on a whim.

this is a book that i would have written. it’s funny because in the prologue, she says you’ll feel like you’re reading about yourself. and i swear this book is about me LOL. if i thought i was interesting enough to warrant having an autobiography, this is what i’d write….it’s like my blog, but more interesting, complete with comments in parenthesis in the middle of a sentence, and quotes from 80s movies….

and then the scary part…

it’s also complete with the abusive relationship, and thus continuing relationship issues part. for those of you who might not know this about me, i was in a sort of abusive relationship in high school. it was never physically abusive, but it was quite a bit emotionally abusive in that “it’s all your fault, you are useless, no one will ever love you, sort of way.” and this book kind of hit me, because it really made me wonder if i am really scarred as deeply as i suddenly realized i may be….she’s on a job interview and is looking in the mirror and suddenly hears her ex’s voice telling her that she’s worthless, and just a piece of ass, and no one will ever love her or respect her.

and while i can’t say that i consciously think about “psycho” and definitely do not hear him telling me that no one will ever love me like he did, and that when i’m with some guy who hits me i’ll think of him and how good he treated me (he did tell me that), i really wonder if there is residue from that relationship that makes me let people walk all over me. i really wonder if he’s the reason why i think that i’ll never find someone who is going to love me, and the reason why i grasp at any straw offered in hope that i will, and that i’ll find happiness somehow. the reason why i let myself be a complete idiot a year ago. the reason why i don’t ever want to rock the boat, and avoid confrontation at all costs. the reason communication and talking and feeling anything is bad. the reason why i can’t stand up for myself and say no, i deserve better than this, no matter what this may be (work, home, life, relationships).

i should just delete this. it’s going to be massively misinterpreted. to clarify, i’m not thinking about any one thing, or event, or person in this rant. i’m not talking about you, or about my life right now. just in general.

regrets, regrets…i still don’t have any. i like to tell myself that everything i’ve done, every choice i’ve made, every thing that’s happened to me has made me who i am today. that my relationship with “psycho” made me stronger. it’s just that i suddenly realized that i’m not. i used to think that being with him made me realize what it is that i want, and what i don’t want, and what i won’t tolerate, and how i deserve to be treated. but then i realized that i don’t act that way, and i don’t demand respect, and i let myself be taken advantage of.

it’s just that all i want is to be happy. i’m a good person, i’ve been a good person all my life, i’ve never done anything wrong/bad. i think i deserve to be happy.

and what song do i have in my head right now? “i knew you were waiting for me” – george michael and aretha franklin….

i really should delete this.

part of me wants to run into psycho and tell him i’m a lesbian (a different, but amusing story), the other part of me wants to just prove him wrong. but i know if/when i see him again i’ll just want to throw up (like that last time i saw him with his 2 kids…gah that could have been me!). i was thrilled to no end when nate and i ran into his mother (who hated me, yet called out to me when we saw her) at the mall before nate left. i got to be smug and think, hi i’m really happy and i have a great life not to mention this incredibly hot boyfriend, and all you have is your white trash psychotic abusive son with his wife and 2 kids. ha it’s funny, cuz after we walked away i asked nate if i looked good, i wanted to make sure she went home to tell him i looked hot and had a hot boyfriend. ha.

but vivian is the coolest…she ran into bono in an elevator at vh1 and she invented a word i must find a way into my everyday vocabulary: tanorexic

 

 

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now that it’s back to school time, of course, it gets hot every day…i’m so looking forward to cool weather. because as you know, fall brings along with it, the return of the coat fetish. it’s in full force already. i bought a new coat at target yesterday without even looking at the price tag (which i found out later, was more than i really wanted to pay)…my defense is that it’s almost exactly what i have been looking for, for the past 3 years….red leather jacket. yay. it’s fantastic and i can’t wait for it to get cold so i can wear it someplace. i’m going to try to limit myself to buying only that one coat this season…i hope i can manage! hehe

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ran into someone quite unexpectedly at work today. i was running a bit late because i forgot my badge, so i didn’t have alot of time to talk to them, but it was weird. not necessarily bad weird, but a bit weird. it was dani…from geneseo…who stopped talking to me 4 years ago…acted as if she was really glad to see me, and as if we just sorta lost touch after graduation, and not that she de-friended danielle and i after sophomore year. she’s in town doing a rotation at sisters hospital. so i guess she did get into medical school. traded phone numbers, but i don’t expect a call. like i said. it was weird, but at the same time, it sorta was as if we hadn’t stopped talking…she had been a good friend before all the shit went down with the suitemates…but that’s another story that’s been told many times before (but that still upsets me if i think about it alot…which i don’t ever do lol). it’s a shame really…one of my favourite geneseo memories was with her – when i made her burst out laughing in the middle of our sociology class freshman year.

and i got out of work 2 hours early. can’t complain

don’t be a menace to the east side while drinking your juice in the hood

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i’ve been getting comment spammed like you wouldn’t believe. so i attempted to integrate an anti spam thing…it seems that the site works still, so that’s good, but if you try to comment and it doesn’t work, let me know. and we’ll see if this stops the spam. i sure as hell hope so.

yesterday….james and adr came over, and the 4 of us ended up painting canvases to decorate our living room with. james and lei thought it necessary to have a theme, instead of just doing whatever we wanted to. so the theme ended up being “nucular”. good old W…..so lei painted a sock monkey holding an atom bomb, which is wonderful. adr painted an atomic flower. mine is all red. james’ isn’t finished yet. then adr painted lei an extra special painting of a sock monkey which is fabulous as well.

also we drank a bunch of mike’s alcoholic beverages because their bottle caps all have words on them, and we made them into our very own set of magnetic poetry words for the fridge. rock!

commenced watching the rest of “pirates of the carribbean” which is a highly entertaining movie, tho a bit too long. i did enjoy it though.

then it was bed time.

today brought exploring the bct tunnels. which was actually very interesting in a really boring sort of way. because there is really nothing to see, and definitely nothing to really photograph (besides the fact that there is no light down there anyway). but it was really cool i thought. it was very very creepy. we had to hop a train that was sitting on the tracks between the building and the tunnels, once in the tunnels the train started to move….so it was making very eerie noises while we were in the tunnels. not quite train like noises, it was very surreal and strange. at one point i commented to james that i felt like we were underground in the city of Lud with the war drums (dark tower reference incase you cared). once the train left, it was entirely too quiet, and i very much wanted the train noises back. good thing more trains did come by. our tunnel seems to be perfectly fine, and clean, and relatively non toxic (seriously…it was fine)…the post office tunnel however…i thought i was going to pass out. it just smelled so toxic, the water was so nasty. climbed over some…stuff…that was definitely placed on purpose so people wouldn’t continue through the tunnel to the post office. the water got much too deep farther along for us to continue, and then the strange noises started…not train noises, but noises that made us think someone/thing was at the other end of the tunnel and had heard us (well at least that’s what it made me think haha)…after standing there listening, we headed back and out. it struck me as a cool experience, not something i’m all that interested in, but did more for the actual “thrill” of it, and the fact it’s the only place on property where i haven’t been.

met russell up at the building, and scoped out a space for james to do his art installation. found this really cool room that i had never seen before…i still don’t understand how i continue to find things in that building that i’ve never seen before (also the restaurant managers office, that houses perhaps the largest piece of intact glass in the entire structure hahaha).

from there we spur of the moment decided to go to the last thursday in the square for a bit. i really don’t like being down there, it just doesn’t appeal to me at all. and i was completely scummified from the tunnels. we met up with mike and paul, walked a bit, listened to some of the (as james put it) “indescript rock band”, then went to towne restaurant to get some food. met up with mike and paul again at fugazi, played some darts and pool and headed home.

i had a fun time, so that’s good right? lol.

and i’ve decided that the only reason there are pool tables at bars are so that people have reasons to lean over something and show off their ass, and or boobs, and for others to spectate the view. nothing wrong with that lol.

have to meet with a gallery owner who wants to do a story on the clock thing for artvoice, and probably talk to her about my show she wants to have there in february. work at 10 (BLAH).

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“Nine Inch Nails/Trent Reznor is not participating in a Fight Club musical. No matter what this month’s Maxim says. Chuck has remarked at various public appearances that he would do a musical if that’s what it took to get Reznor on board, but that doesn’t mean they’re doing it.”

OH THANK THE LORD!!!!!!!

and in other nin news…a perfect circle emailed their list with their new flash video for a remix of “pet” entitled “count bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums”….can you guess what the video features? yes that’s right, everyone’s favourite president, mr Dubya. the remix is pretty cool (as are most apc remixes, can i get an amen?), however it very much sounds like trent screaming in it…i mean… it’s GOTTA be trent screaming in it. and it very much sounds like a danny lohner remix (and he has been rumored to have completely remixed thirtheenth step for the november remix album/dvd release so it makes sense)….so i would not be surprised if danny used trent screaming in the remix.

cuz any of you cared to read that i know.

i had a pretty….stressful…not really nightmare, but still frightening in a disturbing way….dream about james last night. yeah. disturbing is the word to describe it. don’t remember much, but it had something to do with him and my mom….plotting against me or something. and a self help group of some type. i just half woke up from it and was very unhappy, and forced it out of my head so i could fall back asleep.

i was also interviewed by the buffalo news today, for an article that should be in tomorrow’s paper (meaning, wednesday’s paper).

dunno what’s going on tomorrow. brian has a “business meeting” hehe to attend, but might come by after depending on time, and i haven’t talked to james cuz he’s never online and i don’t know how to use a phone. but hopefully we’ll be seeing them tomorrow. i really have nothing to occupy my 2 days off, no laundry even, so…who knows.

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today sucked. went mental regarding things at the terminal, which are still unclear at this time. depending on what tomorrow brings, i may either be 1. telling someone off the next time i see them 2. shutting up with my foot in my mouth. all i know is that it stressed me out and made me very pissed off, and i can only hope and hope and hope that it turns out ok.

and then work sucked. got suited up. it’s always me. and i’m not exaggerating. and it’s always when i’m trying to get out early. and not only that, but when i was supposed to get out tonight after my games closed, no i had to go replace someone who wanted to go home sick, but admitted that they werent actually sick. so once i got their games closed, i was supposed to go home, but no…someone else just decided to leave 2 hours early, and stick someone else in for over 2 hours, so guess who had to go give them a break. me. fabulous. i finally got out when my original pit boss saw i was still there and had a fit.

my new lie about why i don’t smile is that i was born without the proper muscle structure that would enable me to smile. any half smile you may see on my face is the result of thin plastic strings that are attached to my face, and go behind my head and down my sleeves, and i can pull on them and make my face show emotion. i thought it was pretty good.

tomorrow when they try to suit me up, i’m going to lie and say i forgot to bring a suit, and let them write me up. at least i’ll get to deal, or maybe even get sent home. i also need to look into demoting myself. because i’m tired of this.

 

i realized my calling in life. eventually, at some point in time, i myself will be an owner of an architectural salvage store. but only because at some point in the future i will have acquired enough weird crap that i’ll need to start selling it to buy food.

i must MUST own this: chicken egg vending machine

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as if jordan knight playing buffalo in october wasnt exciting enough…vh1’s bands reunited show is reuniting new kids on the block!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *dies*

thursday was the pr committee meeting, which went really well. tackled a bunch of things, started planning stuff for next year. should be exciting if we can pull it off. after the meeting went to buca’s with lei, adr, and james. we had a 100$ visa card to spend, and we accomplished that quite nicely hahah. not sure what it is about buca that brings out the…sex conversations…but it does LOL. what happens at buca’s stays at buca’s. it was super fun, i thought lol. back home for the night, watched wayne’s world, and went to bed. i hadn’t realized how much i had been quoting that movie lately until we watched it. still have yet to watch the sequel tho.

today brought avoiding air show traffic (tho it didn’t start today, dunno why it was so traffic-y around our house), trying not to go deaf, praying for rain this weekend, and picking up my dry cleaning. worked 9-5 but got out at 4. easy night, all good. i think i floor the rest of the weekend, but i forget, and the scheduling office was closed by the time i got my first break (i got stuck in 2.5 hrs, ug). dealing mon and tues, flooring the rest of my days…we get new uniforms next week too. yippee fun wow

i think i have the only job in the world where you can complain when it’s been an hour (or 2 hrs if your flooring) and you haven’t gotten a break.

and tonight, someone told me i look like sailor moon. it’s been a while since i’ve gotten the asian/anime comments.

and ha, i just found my very very first email to brian. where i promised not to be annoying if he let me tag along urbexing with him. ha. so great.

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