i didn’t realize when i bought the gravity kills cd that they do a cover of personal jesus. it came on and i was like WOAH. it’s pretty cool. also, the song after it, has the same…electro-riff as one of manson’s songs on antichrist superstar. don’t feel like finding which song it is though.

so last night tony ended up calling around 10:30, cuz he was going up to the casino. so adr and i went with him. the pai gow gods were smiling upon me last night. we were playing the new progressive jackpot pai gow, 25$ a hand which i wasn’t happy about at first, then an extra 5$ to qualify for the bonus, which i wasn’t happy about at first either. but my first two hands were a straight with a pair, so i got 20$ extra each hand haha. i ended up walking 95$ up. i lost a 100 of tony’s tho haha.

it is so friggen hot in here. wtf.

we went to the alcohol arcade for food after, came back here around 2:30. watched tv, gossipped, the usual. we taught adr how to play pai gow and mini bacc haha. and he taught us all the diff kinds of poker. we’re such casino dorks. tony left around 5.

i drove out to nccc this afternoon to register for the photog class. it’s full. of course. i can’t register til monday. the lady is gonna keep trying to register for me, cuz they de-register people after the 8th. then if i get in, it’s gonna be about 350$ for the class. i figure if i develop and print 30 rolls, i’ll get my moneys worth hahaha. so not looking forward to it though. just going there made me cringe. not looking forward to interacting with all the 13th graders etc. i feel snobby.

so the xp uninstall was successful, and i’m now back on 98. eric came and fixed my internet. now i just have to try the scanner out again, and cd burner. i had my color pics of the church developed at walmart, so i’m gonna scan those in. i have 2 b&w rolls from the church and terminal, plus the roll still in the camera, to take care of when the 3rd roll gets finished.

took eric to lunch at perkins, then went with adr out to youngstown to pick up her wallet. she lost it apparently haha. came back here for a bit, went to see the parents, went to frisbz. i picked up an advance of the last gravity kills album, a kenna cd, since i think it’s the band we saw last night, and a single/promo for eric. he had no APC swag yet boooo. but i did figure out that nero audio can rip streaming windows media into mp3. *was not doing anything illegal* in other news, this is the APC album art:…i wonder if it was photoshopped or if some girl really had a slug on her face. barftastic.

our light switch in the bathroom completely broke. so landlord came over and replaced it. a real switch, no more dimmer. i guess i can no longer dim the lights down low and get romantic with my…invisible boyfriend…in the bathtub. shame.

at walmart i bought a 12 pack of poptarts cuz they were cheap. they come with a bonus – 4 new yogurt poptarts…i’m afraid to try them. sounds like it’d be really gross. plus…shouldn’t i be putting them in the fridge if they’re yogurt? they weren’t refrigerated at walmart. hmmm

so on tap tonight. scan pics, get them on the site, start condensing my cds – burning all the cds i want to keep in the car, trying to combine short ones, etc. and i gotta figure out this NCCC stuff to take this photography class. i can register on the 4th, which is soon..hah. maybe i’ll drive out there tomorrow afternoon.

i HATE xp. i think i might uninstall it. my mail checker constantly fucks up. since there is this problem with my wireless, where my internet will go on pause every now and then…if the checker checks while on pause, it never checks. it keeps trying to constantly check, and never finishes. it never starts to check again, it just gets stuck checking. i got new norton antivirus, which is hella annoying, cuz it pops up all the time even to scan outgoing email. i know thats an option i could turn off, but…ug. and if i get rid of xp, my scanner will work again.

need to get ready for toronto. bye.

ok my monitor is getting beyond bad. dad said to check the cables before i do anything, like go and buy a new one. i’ll do that tomorrow.

the joys of being on roulette for the entire night. fabulous. slow as hell though, and on 40/20s all night which make it drag and drag. tony went out of his way to find me before he left, and made me talk about the nate thing. tried to cheer me up by saying boys are dumb, and do stupid things. duh. brendan gave me a massage. all good. good massages always accepted gratefully. it was a good tip night too, so things are good.

time for bed. gotta remember to get driving directions for the gahan show.

 

i love audioslaves “show me how to live”. it’s like a blend of the cool rage music, and cool soundgarden music. i always had a problem with rage cuz it was so repetitive. it’s like…zach thought of 3 lines, and just repeated them throughout the whole song. it’ll be interesting to see what, if anything, comes out of the zach/trent collaboration. trent music with zach’s repetitive vocals? hahah and i really am getting excited about APC coming out. i wish i could go to one of these new shows, hear the new stuff, etc. i’ll be patient. and i love the new korn song “did my time” from tomb raider. just wish i had a better copy, and not the ripped off the raido version. oh well.

gah my monitor…it’s gotta be on it’s death bed. i can’t deal with the static. i wonder if something is making it go wacky. one time it would like flash, and i realized it was cuz my cell phone was too close to it. but my cell is in my car, so..that’s not it.

i’m considering signing the early out list tonight, to get some sleep before we go to toronto tomorrow. amanda’s coming at 1 to leave from here. hopefully we don’t run into too much traffic, but enough to not make us 5 hours early for the show. there’s nothing around koolhaus to distract us for a few hours. and i don’t know how to get around toronto without carolyn, to go downtown or something before hand. i guess we can just sit around outside koolhaus for hours and get good spots inside. we’ll see how things are. amanda said she hopes dave doesn’t cancel in order to go to the stones show. i figure we can just go to that instead if he does haha. right, as if i’d know how to get there, when i don’t even know where it’s being held. the night drive home i’m dreading. all that concert traffic…it’s gonna take hours. i wouldn’t be surprised if it takes us twice as long to get home. ug. gotta remember to bring lots of cds tomorrow. keep us occupied for the hours at a standstill in toronto traffic.

work was good only because it kept my mind off nate, and all the shit that was said before he left, and all the shit i put myself through after he left because of my fucking feelings. as soon as i got in the car, it all came back. i wrote him a 5 page (computer pages) letter, made a few snide remarks about being glad he found someone to fuck over there, felt a bit better. but i think i was better off before him, when i didn’t have feelings, and didn’t think it was possible that i could fall in love. cuz what do i have now. fucking nothing. i seriously view it as a complete waste of time. half of me wants to say fuck it, and fuck him, and fuck me wasting my time and energy trying to keep in contact with him, and keep at least a friendship going. just cut him out of my life. i want to cut practically everyone out of my life right now. but i always do this. it’s just me being self destructive again, even when i know it’s a bad idea. i’ll get over it. always do.

so work…was on roulette for 2 spins before being kicked off to blackjack. made my night even more. was put back on it around 1 for an hour – but that meant i was on a game for 2 hours straight, which is a very bad thing. got 40 min of break after that tho, so at least that was good. brendan kept asking me what was wrong, vented about nate, managed not to cry since we were at a table full of other supervisors.

i have to actually get up at a decent time tomorrow. jenn and jeff are coming over to install new memory after their dentist appt across the street. i said i’d have xp installed by then, but nate’s letter fucked up my day.

off to go to bed, and have feelings, and think to much about all this fucking stupid shit.

 

i’ve been ok today. well. until just now writing back to brian. but i’ve been ok. i feel better. it’s ok.

xp has been installed. my scanner won’t work with xp. and i gave in and went to 1024 screen rez. with xp everything seems so huge at 800600. but everything is so small on 1024. ug. we’ll see how long this lasts. i hate xp. even in the windows classic mode. stupid xp. stupid microsoft.

and jenn and jeff came over to do the memory thing. it’s sorta working. and everquest works..or worked while they were here. who knows about later.

i swear my monitor is about to break. it gets weird sorta staticy lines every now and then. and it seems to be flashing/glowing more than normal. the refresh rate or whatever? i dunno. but it’s irritating. it’s almost shaking, the picture i mean. please don’t break on me til i get a new scanner, and can afford a monitor. ug there it goes again with the static.

i was scheduled in the high roller pit ..that just doesn’t happen. the times i’ve been in there, i’ve been reassigned there. but it lasted 20 min. 20 min of me being on break, cuz i was supposed to be relief. then spent the next hour on break…i was sent to the slums, pit 6, to be relief on 2 tables that weren’t open yet. hense 3 more breaks. spent the night cleaning up after the new dealers i was tapping out. it was fun. i was in the zone lol. brendan was supposed to be my sup on 2 of the tables, but it got changed around. he cracks me up. he was asking about my photography stuff, and i was telling him about the terminal. he’s like, yeah i used to go up top as a kid. i was like OMG you know what i’m talking about. no one ever knows what i’m talking about haha. i got jenn all interested now too, she wants to go with me on one of the tours. but brendan, gah, he just won’t stop flirting with me lol. it was bad today. not as bad as john always was, but still bad.

anyway. i totally gotta do something to my hair. i guess i’ll just dye it again. i really want to cut it off short tho too. if i do that, i’d dye it black again, but…i do still wanna try to keep growing it out, so i guess red it is, again. and i want to get something pierced. we’ll see.

gonna get all the rest of my pics from last weekend up tomorrow. i’ll post highlights when the time comes.

 

i got a letter from nate. i almost wish i hadn’t. at least i know he’s alive. why the hell am i crying? i hate this. it’s so frustrating. he has gotten all my stuff, my packages, my letters, but didn’t write back til june. i wrote in his letters about the stuff with john, and he writes that he’s seeing some 27 year old girl, where things went south, but it doesn’t mean they’re not sleeping together – and that makes me mad. what do i expect, when i wrote to him about dating. fuck. i really hate this. i should be happy that he still at least thinks of me over there, and made an attempt to contact me, even if i’ve gotten 2 letters from him and i’ve sent him about 10. i hate him. at this moment, i hate him. for no good reason. maybe a part of me still believed that the whole way things were with us, or at least how things were with me, that there was something unknown about our relationship that would bring us back together in the end. maybe i was still stupidly holding on to hope that he’d go over there and realize how much i meant to him. fuck. i hate myself.

well. blackjack in pit 3 last night, surprise. they pulled me off around 2am to do pai gow. surprise! i told them that it was my first time on a live game. i messed up my first hand LOL. but it was ok. i dealt the hands to the wrong spots. only ended up dealing 5 or 6 hands, cuz i got tapped off for break right after i got on the game, then it was dead until 5 min before i left. but it was good. i’m scared to do mini-bacc tho.

today. met brian and james at the terminal to go to the abandoned church near by. wow. beautiful church. and beautiful in it’s decay as well. surprisingly non grafittied, since it is on the east side and everything. lots of bird shit. lots of bird skeletons. lots of pretty ness. almost all of the stained glass windows are intact, which is phenomenal. very very nice place. when we were leaving, the construction workers asked if we took pictures inside. i was like um *not saying anything*. brian took over, said yes, they were cool about it and were talking about how it’s a shame it was abandoned like that. all good.

so from there we went back to the terminal. brian wanted to do some exterior shots and check out the mail building some more. i swear to god, the terminal+my camera=shit…the first time i was getting the stupid flashing Fstops (which i found out was a problem with not recognizing the lens)…2nd time, ran out of film…this time, ran out of batteries. fuck. thankfully brian had to go meet his mom and give her his digi cam, so we ended up by a walgreens, where i had to borrow 20 bucks from james to buy new batteries. but anyway. went into the parking garage. wandered in there a bit with james, brian was in the mail building i think at that time. left to do the cam drop off, came back. back into the parking garage now that i had batteries. then to the mail room. the staircase leighanne and i had found, but had no flashlights to explore, ended up going to a power room. a nice toxic power room. super. went out back to the tracks. i swear, this building is never ending. the things we find. it’s like no matter what we do, even if we think we’re at a place we’ve been before, and seen all we can see, there is something else. tons more stuff we found. we had limited time, so we have to go back. but yeah. unbelievable. the building never friggen ends. aside from the parking garage, and the mail building, and the baggage building, brian found another underground labrynth of tunnels. we didn’t check them out this time, cuz we found other stuff. but it’s a secret. and we find the most bizzare stuff in that place. this time we found big letters…made out of styrofome. if they had been metal or wood i wanted to take one, since they had an S.

so yeah. i told them if we happened to get caught by police i could get us out of it in 2 minutes, so to let me do the talking. i got it all planned out. it’s fool proof.  i like myself hehe

so yeah. great day, aside from having to get up at 8, thus having 3 hours of sleep. i so need to nap, but i need to eat first. and clean myself. i feel dirty.

gah gah gah the full version of a perfect circle’s new song “weak and powerless” was leaked to radio. gah this is so great!!!!!!! *still not regretting my tattoo* this sounds more reminiscent of tool than their previous album. it’s got a tool type bass line it seems. who’s their bassist now? oh yeah, twiggy. gaaaaaaaah.

 

gah gah gah gah gah aperfectcircle.org has a preview clip of APC’s first single “Weak and powerless” gaaaaaaaaah so excited. i can’t wait!!!!!

up early to go back to the rents house to scan the rest of my film. bye.

 

so i made myself a 2 volume set of best of MJ. and it makes me wonder what the hell happened between blood on the dance floor and invincible. cuz he has such great songs, and then… invincible. i put 2 songs from invinc on the best of set. i said this to ty, and thought it was sorta funny:
*secret stealth screenname*: invincible is not awful, it sounds like the pop music of today. not mjs fault todays pop music sucks.
ha i’m funny.

finished scanning all the negs. working on getting them up now. and i gotta install winxp sometime soon. eek. scary. everything better fucking work when i’m done. my comp is tempermental and doesn’t like new programs.

i had other shit to say but i forget. oh yeah. i gained 10 lbs in 2 months. hahah

ran into scott at eckerd too…wished him luck on his wedding tomorrow etc.

so last night after class involved taking my film to be developed out on sheridan. from there, we went down elmwood to the poster shop and i got 2 more things for the apartment. now we just need poster frames. then stopped at home depot to get clear spray paint for The Can. one more stop at the outlet mall to check out the record theatre outlet. picked up u2’s war, and unforgettable fire, with no album art, for 5$ each. i was kinda iffy about getting them, cuz most places have used cds with art for 5$…but whatever. almost bought bowie’s “hours” but i dunno what’s on it, and if i want that one or not. whatever. watched tv and did nothing all night.

class today. only 8 of us showed, since it was the last day. we left at 2. did errands – post office, bank, gas, carwash – and stopped at media play to find poster frames. i thought adr said her bro got them there cuz they’re the cheapest. but it wasn’t that cheap, plus it was too big for both of the posters. they’re odd sizes. crap. stopped at the camera joint i found in the phone book on military to ask about b&w processing and the terminal film reel, since they do video transfers…basically same price to do b&w processing, but they send it out and it could take 2 weeks. no thanks, i’ll keep driving to sheridan to get it done over night. as far as the film reel. she thought it was audio cuz you can’t see frames…you don’t see frames on VHS tapes…and… does kodak even do audio tapes? then looking at it more, she said it could be 16mm video. i started to unravel the reel, and there are parts of the tape that are clear…dunno why. she said to call around to video transfer places and ask if they do 16mm, and it will be expensive. maybe i’ll call around and go in to show them the tape. it might not even be worth trying to view, now that i noticed the blank sections. we’ll see.

i looked around and contacted UB, buff state, and NCCC about taking a photography class or two in the future. only heard back from UB, and all classes for the fall are full…hoping i can get in something at the other 2, cuz i don’t want to wait til spring to learn how to use my camera again haha. nccc is closer and cheaper, so i almost hope i can go there…even if it is 13th grade. they have an intro to the camera class, then intro to photography and an interemediate photog class…i’m wondering if i should skip the intro to cam class or not…i think that might be what i want to take…so i’ll just go for that – if i hear back from them.

tonight brings scanning the negs at my parents house. catch me on the other screenname all night, if you like.

 

hooray for me being smart and taking the film reel to color tech with me. i asked if they knew what it was. and they did. it’s micro-film. so with that information in mind, i headed to the library to take a look at what is on it. it’s lots of documents from New York Central Railroad. while slightly less exciting than what we were hoping to find on the reels, when we thought they were video film, it’s cool none the less. who knows what’s on the rest of them. my father said railroad museums might be interested in having them. so gonna talk to russell about bringing them up from the depths. exciting stuff.

its been almost 3 hours, done 2 rolls of film. i’m gonna die. see you in 19752345 years when i’m done with this.

 

the coolest show is on primetime live. about the zodiac killer – some history, timeline of his killings, and dna research based on his letters he sent to news papers about the killings. sooooo friggen cool. *loves this stuff* *i know i’m a freak*

2 full rolls done, started in on first roll from last sunday.

well my stint outside of pit 3 lasted 1 day. back in 3 last night on blackjack. i’m waiting for the day where i’m scheduled for mini-bacc and pai gow now. apparently we secretly took our auditions yesterday, aside from the test. i’m assuming i passed since i can do it haha.

today brings class, graduation party at the old hard rock haunt, angelos in the travelodge, taking my film in to get processed…i want to see if i can get some kind of clear…paint/sealer…to use on the civil defense can. it’s thundering out at the moment, so i guess i still can’t bring the can in, since it’s still wet.

 

who the hell likes creme eyeshadow??? why is it popular, and like, the only kind of eye shadow you can find now. it’s the worst! it immediately collects in your eyelid creases, it’s impossible to get on, since it doesn’t use any kind of applicator other than your finger…it’s awful. some of them even feel wet on your eyes the entire day. ug.