can’t fucking sleep. argggg. this is driving me nuts. and stupid kazaa won’t let me preview/play the breakfast club. i figured i’d watch some for a while, even tho theres an hr left to download…but nooooo. it won’t work. gah.

and i hate my friggen pjs. well the shorts are fine, they’re shorts. but the shirt… it’s one of those stupid spaghetti strap tank top deals. it’s not really my size to begin with (too big), but the first night of wearing it it’s fine. but then after that it’s all down hill as it continues to stretch and stretch. it’s like i might as well not wear it, cuz it’s always half falling off. it’s bugging the shit out of me.

it’s way too hot in here. i had my fan on for a while, but it has started to make this really irritating noise, so i can’t leave it on over night anymore. blaaaaah.

 

didn’t sleep til after 6. slept off an on til 11.

 

wow breakfast club is a really different movie when not on TBS lol. and it’s such a great one. i think it should be required viewing for all high school students. yep. got a bigass headache now tho, ug.

 

it is soooooo hot out. it’s 92 on our backyard thermometer. so i am in the basement. god i hate this keyboard. better than the one on my dad’s comp tho. anyway.

i went to the bank, and on the way home all the elementary kids had just gotten out of school. i realized, at the stop light, that there is a new crossing guard. yes i know i haven’t gone to that school in 16 years, but they’ve had the same crossing guard there since i attended that school. and now there is a new one. for some reason, that’s kinda sad. forget that so many of my teachers have died already, there is a new crossing guard!! lol.

that reminds me of kindergarten. *nostalgia* when i was in kindergarten i was 5 houses away from being eligible for the bus. the bus stop was on the corner 3 houses away, yet they expected a 5 year old to walk a mile to school. right. so my parents bitched and bitched and got me permission to take the bus to school. i was friends with all the 8th graders in the back of the bus. it was great. i remember 2 things about riding that bus to school every day. one is the 8th graders, and hanging out in the back of the bus with them. one time one of the boys had a knife, and all i remember is the one girl who really liked me yelling at him for almost cutting me with it, or something. the other thing i remember, is that our bus driver was black, and he slapped 5 with everyone who came on the bus. but i was too scared since he was a big scary stranger lol. but my very last ride on the bus, the last day of school, i finally did it. i was proud of myself.

so i’ve been sitting in the basement reading…trying to read…sorta distracted by my own thoughts, but reading none the less. kurt was right – vampire armand is completely homoerotic. unbelievable. haha. definitely taking a break from anne rice after i finish this book though. i shouldn’t have started it, but i did, so now i have to finish it. i think i have 2 left after this one. i need a break for lullaby, and to maybe re-read survivor. anyway…rambling. the point of this paragraph was, i haven’t spent this much time in the basement in years.

i forgot that i had a dart board. i forgot that my dad put sheets of tag board around it so we didn’t hit the unfinished walls with the darts. i forgot that we marked off strange places we hit with the darts (like the ceiling, or rebounding them off the heating ducts and through the hats, and onto the board…yes that explanation of one of the hits is written out on the wall). i forgot that i had written random song lyrics around the basement. i think i wrote 3, but i can only find 2. one is from smashing pumpkins “bullet with butterfly wings”, the other is from madonna’s “you’ll see”. i swear there is another one, but i don’t know where. me and ang did this, so that some day when we move out of this house, the people who buy it will discover fun things to read. lol. there are also bad memory invoking things like “i <3 sara” written by psycho, and some other things from that era of my life.

thinking about that stuff, him and the things he said to me when he broke up with me, makes me laugh while making me so pissed off at the same time. and it makes me laugh that ian said almost the same thing when i broke up with him. for example, i distinctly remember psycho saying in his final letter to me, that some day i’d be with some guy who beat me and i’d remember him and how good he was to me. now that in itself makes me laugh hysterically. pisses me off, but makes me laugh. it’s absurd. yeah, he treated me so well. then ian sent me a letter after i broke up with him, saying a very similar thing. that he treated me good, and some day i’d be with someone who didn’t treat me very well, and i’d remember him. haha. i never said ian didn’t treat me well. we never saw each other! i’m starting to not even consider my time with him to be a relationship. just as i’m starting to consider my time with psycho as having been molested. i sorta wish i felt more comfortable talking about that time of my life…i should be. it’s been forever. but i feel weird talking about it all. whatever.

i don’t know where any of this is coming from, cuz this was not what i was thinking about while i was reading. i think it’s from being in the basement. i need new basement memories. i should go back to reading, since i was having nice thoughts when i was reading. they were disturbing but nice. like i was thinking about how i’m so not feeling like myself…i feel so weird, and it’s all nate’s fault lol. i’m not used to wanting to be with someone like this. i need to stop all this lol, i need to not get any more attached to him. trying not to think about it, but it’s going to be so bad when he leaves.

i feel like i should delete this whole post. but i won’t. it’s my current state, i’ll just leave it.

 

went to dinner with the folks tonight. they got on my case about the job situation. but i was expecting that. talked about nate and the peace corps, and i dashed all my moms dreams by saying i didn’t think i’d ever see him again after he leaves. i think she was hoping we’d have something even when he got back. she was like, “he’s going to be a different person when he gets back”. so i say, “you think i’ll actually ever see him again?” she says, “you won’t?!” me, “probably not.” the look on her face was one of disappointment. but what can you do? kristen asked me what was going to happen when he leaves too. not thinking about it. it’s only come up in conversation between me and nate once. i say, life goes on. cuz it will.

no more depressing posts tonight. i promise. however it’s safe to say i’m very unhappy at the moment.

dinner was like a high school reunion of sorts. 2 other people i graduated with, besides my neighbor, work there (one of them is her (ex)boyfriend), then a kid who graduated the year before me came in with a girl. i recognize 2 other girls who work there from going to the high school, but i didn’t know them, and they were younger. surprisingly, carrie didn’t come strolling in. lol. it wouldn’t have surprised me.

for some reason i got this random memory in my head. i was really little, i was with my parents and their friends sue and jerry. and we went and toured some really fancy house in the albany area. and it was hotter than hell. so i asked my mom what it was, and it was called Olana. http://www.olana.org/ and amazingly enough, the pictures on the site are exactly how i remember it looking. i had to have been 5 or 6 years old when we went. i have no idea where that memory came from. that reminds me of this other place we went when i was a kid. it was an old abandoned camp in the adirondacks. we went on a tour of it. it’s now called Camp Topridge, and it was owned by the Post cereal company people. i have no idea how old i was, probably 7 or 8, and i only remember being really impressed with the fact they had a bowling alley. and it was outdoors. i asked my mom what this place was called too, so she asked me if i was writing my biography. when i think about things we did when i was a kid, we did the weirdest stuff. not weird, but weird to be dragging a 5 year old on tours of old houses, instead of going to disney world. but now i think it’s kinda cool. i’d like to go back and see some of these places again. mom said that the camp is now some elite private camp thing, so you can’t take tours anymore. Olana is still there, obviously. i’d like to go to Sharon Springs (it’s off the interstate on the way to albany)…Sharon Springs was a decaying town that used to be booming because it had sulfur springs. the entire town reeks of sulfur, but it was so cool cuz it was all decaying and half abandoned. i liked that stuff even as a kid. but i hated going there as a kid cuz it smelled so bad. i wonder what it looks like now. i want to go to Chitaqua again (that is so not spelled right)… i haven’t been there in years, we used to go all the time. my favourite part of being there was they have this scale mock up of the holy land. yeah don’t ask, but i always loved walking around in the holy land LOL. maybe some day i can drag nate down there with me. it’d give us something to do.

i need to find an infiltration organization in the area. fyi, infiltration is urban exploration – abandoned buildings and the like. need to find one. there’s gotta be one around here. whoever it is who runs infiltration.org is toronto based…but that doesn’t really help me. he had no luck getting into the buffalo psychiatric center. haha. i think i’m going to journey to the buffalo central terminal downtown wednesday to use up my film. gotta see if nate will go with me so he can save me when i injure myself, which i’m sure i will. haha. and i need someone to get arrested along with me for trespassing/breaking and entering…

leah is so funny. her away msg: Not here right now. But I have to advertise my happiness: Sara has a hot boyfriend!!!!!!!