Anger/Violence

November 4, 2000 – I don’t remember much of this dream, well at least the parts that make it flow together. It’s very choppy in my mind, so sorry if it makes less sense than normal. In this dream I was extremely violent and homicidal. I was someplace, a house or something, and wanted to fight everyone, or kill someone, or something. I was fighting with someone, I don’t know who, and they threw me over their shoulder like some kind of karate move, and then did some other kind of move where they threw me. The entire dream I was incredibly pissed off and angry, wanting to be violent. Anyway, someone said that I had lost the fight, but I remember I was doing quite well so I wanted to see an instant replay. But instead of an instant replay it was more like a re-enactment. This time since I knew when the girl was going to do those throwing moves on me, I tried real hard so she wouldn’t be able to throw me and she couldn’t. Then this girl I worked with this summer was there, and I wanted to kill her too. So I grabbed this glass as she tried to calm me down, and was going to smash it against the table, but she told me it was plastic. So I tried to find another glass, which there were glasses all over this coffee table. I was sitting on the floor next to the table, and she was across from me. I was holding the glass, and really wanted to smash it so I could throw it at someone. But I didn’t. Then I was at a Sabres game, up in the 300 level. I was still severely pissed off and homicidal, and I wouldn’t talk to anyone. There was something about me wanting to leave and go to sleep, but I don’t know what that was about. So I guess it was the 3rd period of the game, and they took a 5 minute break which confused me. Then I thought it must be going into overtime, that’s why they’re taking the break. But it wasn’t overtime. Then all the ushers working at the arena told everyone to come down to a lower level of seats for the end of the game, because lots of people had left and there were lots of open seats. So everyone went down to the 200 level and I got a seat in the first row. But there was this big wall in front of us, blocking our view, and I thought, “why the hell would anyone want 200 level seats if you can’t even see.” So I stood up to look over the wall, and the players were coming back on the ice after that 5 minute break. Then someone scored, and it was either Varada or Tsyplakov, I couldn’t tell if it was a 25 or 29 who scored. Then we were leaving, and I was feeling in a better mood, but only slightly. I had to go to the bathroom, and then my mom was there, and we went to find a bathroom. She went in first, and I waited outside because I thought it was only a 1 stall thing. Then Danielle and her mom were there, and finally I went into the bathroom. Then I was Michael Stipe from REM, and I had a dress on. It was like an overall type dress, it had straps, and I couldn’t get the straps back on over my shoulders. So I’m struggling with the straps as I’m talking about how I’m dating Courtney Love, and it doesn’t really matter to me (as Michael Stipe) if we get back together or break up. So I can’t get the straps over my shoulders so I decide to leave the top of the dress off, because I had another shirt on underneath, and go back out into the hall. So I’m feeling even better, and I’m not Michael Stipe anymore, and I’m talking to Danielle and her mom. We were playing with these magic wand things, like the ones that have the glitter in them that slowly fall down to the other end. But these had 7 colored disks in them, they were called hypnotic sticks or something, and the purpose was to get all the disks to be equal distance apart from each other, and it was supposed to cure headaches or something. We were playing with them because Danielle’s mom had a headache, with weirdo symptoms. That was about the end of the dream, but through the entire thing, I was in a totally bad homicidal mood, and everyone thought I was delusional and psychotic. People could tell I had “become” Michael Stipe in the bathroom, and when I left the bathroom I was normal again and they could tell. I think people were pitying me because I was so psychotic.

November 19, 2000 – The other one, I can’t remember the beginning, but my parents came over to wherever I was, they had just come out of a carnival type tent thing. My dad had spiraly horns coming out of his hips. They were like the horns in the pictures of circus freaks that have them coming out of their foreheads. I looked at my dad with the horns, and thought about how I used to look at pictures of circus freaks with horns, and now my dad *is* a freak! Then my mom gave me 20$ to go in the tent, and pretend that I was a telepather, because the fortune teller lady, or whoever was in the tent was really good. I wasn’t sure what telepather meant, but I guess it was that I could do mental telepathy. But then I thought, isn’t that what the person in the tent is supposed to do? So I went in the tent, and it was huge. I paid 18$ for this ticket, to go see this woman do whatever she did. So I waited, and only a few people were there, but other people kept getting called before me. So I got really pissed and I went up to the ticket person and demanded my money back, because I had been waiting for 2 hours to be called and wasn’t. So she gave me 18$ back, and I looked at it and she had given me an extra 20, but I left without saying anything. Then I looked at the money again, and I had a 20$, 50$, 34$ bill. I got pissed off because she had given me fake money. So I was really mad, and went back and demanded my real money, and bitched them out.

December 16 – I was at the beach, in NT (there are no beaches), so I guess I was down by the river. I wanted to go find something, I can’t remember what, so I was walking down along the side of the rail road tracks. There was lots of people around, because it was summer. So I turned down this other path to get to where I was going, but there was a crane and it was doing weird things, so I turned around to go back because I didn’t want to get crushed under it or anything. So I was walking back, and I had my headphones on, and this weird guy carrying a branch of a tree came up to me and asked me if I was homophobic. I said no, and he said good, then I wouldn’t tell anyone. I kept walking and he was walking next to me, and he asked me if I like getting whipped, and then he hit me with the tree branch. I was like, what the hell. He kept doing it, so I started running, and he ran after me and was hitting me with the branch. So I ran back to the beach and I was screaming for someone to help me, and there were 3 girls from my high school there. They all looked at me screaming and started laughing at me. No one would help me. So this weird guy is beating me with the tree, and I’m screaming for help, no one is helping me in classic social psych fashion. The one girl Leslie keeps laughing at me, so I got really pissed, and I punched her. Then weird guy had a knife and he stabbed me in the back of the shoulder, Leslie was still laughing at me, so while I was getting stabbed, I was punching her, and I grabbed the weird guys knife and I stabbed her in the eye. Then weird guy got me away from her, and kept beating me up and stabbing me, but finally some guy was gonna help, and he started walking over. Apparently weird guy knew him, because he got scared, so I grabbed his wrist of the hand holding the knife, and held it against the ground. The guy came, and I got away, I guess. Then, I was in high school, in a class with Danielle. Everyone was talking about what happened, and was stretching the truth so bad. Someone came up to me and asked me why I stabbed this girl Stacy in the eye, and I got really pissed off because that wasn’t what happened. No one seemed to care that I had been stabbed, only that I had stabbed Leslie and stuff. So someone came in the room and asked Danielle if it was true that she stabbed someone, and I got really pissed off even more because Danielle had nothing to do with it. So I went crazy, and I pushed them out of the room and started screaming at them to shut the fuck up, they didn’t know anything that happened, and to fucking leave us alone. Then this girl Vanessa came into the room and started talking shit about what happened, so I did the same thing to her. Then a teacher, Mr Zayatz realized that I was having problems, and that the whole situation was causing trouble in the school. So he brought his class into our classroom to have a discussion or whatever. Then Vanessa came back with all kinds of McDonald’s french fries. She started yelling at me, and threw fries at me. At this point I was trying not to care anymore, and so I told her I hoped she enjoyed spending all that money on the french fries. But then I grabbed some and threw them at her. I guess Mr Zayatz thought it would be a good idea for us to get our frustrations out by throwing food. So only the people on my side of the room got to throw fries at everyone else. Then Vanessa had runts (candies) and we started throwing those, but I couldn’t throw them far enough to the other side of the room where Dr Cylke was sitting with other students. After we used all the food, we watched some video. I guess it was to clear things up about what happened. Still no one cared that I was the victim and had been attacked. So then it was after school and I had to leave, I decided to apologize to one of the people I had told off. Then since the meeting took so long, my mom left and I had no ride home. So Adrienne came to get me, and we were walking down the main staircase, and when you got to the bottom it was an elevator. If the elevator wasn’t at that floor, there were no bottom steps, so I fell down about 5 feet. I was like, what the hell, why aren’t there any steps. And she said, because the elevator wasn’t there. Then my ex friend Angela was coming down the steps with us so we warned her about the no steps being there. Then the lobby was all weird, it had black and white floor tile, and was all wavy and really big. Then there were these little devil things, running around. And I thought, this is a dream, there are no devils in my school. So I’m trying to tell them they don’t exist because I’m only dreaming, and then we realize they aren’t devils, but they’re Blink 182. They start chasing us, so we get into the elevator that finally arrived on that floor. Finally we leave and we go to Adrienne’s car, but now it was the mall, and we were stuck in mall traffic. Then my mom called, and I had the portable phone from our house and it still worked. She was at the Starter outlet at the mall, and was talking to me, but then stopped. But I could hear music so I knew she was there. But apparently I had never told my parents about getting stabbed, and I was worried they’d find out. That was about the end of the dream, except that there was a horse drawn carriage in front of us in the mall parking lot.

January 31, 2002 – i think it started that i was watching this on tv. there was some serial murderer guy, and he killed this person on this show or whatever. then he went to another person and cut their head off. but not at the neck. he carved all the way around the skull, forehead level, so that the brain showed at the top. so that guy was dead. then the murderer went into another room where there was this girl with all kinds of IVs in her, giving her blood i think. at this point i was there in the room watching. the murderer ripped the IVs out of her and started whipping her with them. someone else was there watching this with me. we were like woah, this is brutal. so he’s whipping her with the IVs and blood is going everywhere, from the IVs and from the girl. he kills her, and leaves. we were covered in blood, and i thought, there’s no way that NIN’s “Broken” movie is more brutal than this.